#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s over now, move over.  Tur-key’s turn now, it’s over.  October’s.  Shut.  Down. ……SORRY!

You don’t know about that.  R.I.P. Natina Reed.

BUT WAIT!  We’re not putting #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 to rest just yet.  We still got 11 to go over.

Day 21: Trilogy of Terror (1975)

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Like Tourist Trap, this movie was featured on “The 50 Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen”; a documentary special released in 2014.  I watched that special (obviously) and I’m planning on watching all the movies I haven’t seen on there.  I went with this one first strictly for it’s short run-time.  I thought the first short of this anthology was alright and I already forgot what the second short was about.  The last one though… it was the memorable and fun to watch compared to the others.  There’s one “Oh shit, it’s about to go down.” moment that brought me way too much joy than it had any business  bringing.  Not only that; everything from the opening monologue to the final shot was entertaining to me which can’t be said about a lot of the dry, slow-moving horror produced before ’78.

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Day 22: Tales From The Crypt (1972)

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Another one.  Anthology horrors don’t necessarily need a connection between the tales but this one is better for having one.  After the tales are told, it’s revealed why they were told, which gives the movie a bit more purpose than the customary anthology horrors of that time.  While some of the acting isn’t the best and the images aren’t the scariest, the good terror was in the idea of what was happening more so than what’s seen on screen.  There were a couple of special effects that were impressive for a movie released in the early 70’s but none that would be as memorable if not for the story surrounding them and that’s what I like about these tales.  It’s the theme each tale had in common and the ending that I appreciated and liked just enough to make me want to watch the sequel.  So that’s what I did.

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Day 23: The Vault of Horror (1973)

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Nope.  This is not…. *sigh*.

In case you didn’t know, this movie is based on a comic book series published by EC Comics in the 50’s.  My favorite thing about this movie is an Easter egg.  I’m talking the smallest minor detail.  The comic book itself is seen sitting on the table in one scene and even the Tales From The Crypt book, which was also a comic published by EC Comics, is shamelessly plugged.  I love meta shit like that.  ……That was it.  The tales were fine but… meh.  The audio in these old movies are already not that great but this shit sounded horrendous.  I know not to expect much from these movies but that ending was trash.  I think I’m done with the 70’s for now. *hops back in time machine*

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Day 24: Tales From The Hood (1995)

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Clarence. Williams. III.  Great performance!  Now I know where The Game got that excerpt for “Da Shit” on his sophomore album Doctor’s Advocate.  (There I go again showing how much of a Hip-Hop savant I am.)  Anyway, there’s a tale featuring David Alan Grier on here about voodoo drawings and I swear I saw this as a kid on VHS.  Something tells me it might have been Wishmaster but I don’t know.  I must’ve seen this somewhere, it’s so familiar.  The scariest scene in the entire movie is basically a music video with gangsta ass music playing behind a bunch of graphic images of dead people and real lynchings.  It was disturbing.  The rest of it was as cringe worthy as Rodney King’s “Can we all get along?”, which was quoted in this movie.  While it’s not even close to being Spike Lee’s best effort, I enjoyed about half of this movie just fine.

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Got a little carried away with the anthology horrors.  As much as I like watching them, they’re not giving me that feeling I’m looking for.  I need to get back to the real movies to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 the right way.  It’s time to take it back to the master of horror, Stephen King.

Day 25: 1922 (2017)

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I didn’t plan it but this makes 4 Stephen King based movies for this year’s list.  Netflix is pumping them out!

Somehow, I didn’t get the feel I was hoping for with 1922 either.  The most horrifying stuff happens in the first half of the movie.  The rest wasn’t all that scary, I didn’t think.  However, in terms of storytelling, this was a damn good movie.  The story had me invested early on; focusing on every detail, clinging to every word,… I was relishing how dark the narrative was becoming.  If you’re looking for a great suspenseful drama with heavy southern accents,  this is a great one.  Just don’t expect to be blown away by the end.

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Day 26: Creep 2 (2017)

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Could you think of a sequel that’s better than the first movie?  There are some out there but they’re few and far between.  ADD CREEP 2 TO THE LIST!  Mark Duplass is BRILLIANT!  I thought he was great in the first movie but he knocked this one out of the park from the opening scene to the very end.  I’m officially a fan of this series and yes, a third will apparently be made which makes this an actual series.  I can not wait to see what this crazy bastard does next.

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I had one problem with this movie, just one.  As a person who has no problem suspending disbelief, I had a tough time believing anyone in the real world would act the way a certain character did in her situation.  Her reactions to some things were a bit muted.  Even though it’s explained – and for that, I’m willing to let it slide – I still feel there could’ve been a way to make it feel a little more realistic.  Although at this point, I’m just nitpicking.  I’m sorry.  That’s what happens when you watch hundreds of horror movies and you know how they work.  Good thing I also know when to throw minor criticisms out the window and recognize when a movie is greater than that one minuscule flaw.  I really had a blast watching this movie and that’s all that matters.

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Day 27: Blair Witch (2016)

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SHIT.  GOT.  REAL.

You’d think after watching hundreds of scary movies, it gets easier to sit through them.  I mean… it kinda does but if there’s something that still frightens me to my core, it’s the memory I have of watching The Blair Witch Project.  I was 8 or 9 years old and the way I felt watching that movie was completely justifiable for anyone at the time but especially for a kid.

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Halfway through this movie, I felt it.  My stomach got queasy and my throat was dry but I didn’t wanna sip water in fear that I might choke if I was startled while drinking.  My 9 year-old feelings came back one by one with every familiar image.  The callbacks to the original had me on edge and the events in this film were scary as shit.  Perfect combination of keeping the essence of the Blair Witch lore and introducing new ideas and information about the Black Hill Forest.  I almost went back to watch a few scenes again to piece things together carefully to better understand what I just watched and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I had had enough.  I was shook.

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Day 28: Yoga Hosers (2016)

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This is the most Canadian movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s not even a Canadian production.  Apparently, Kevin Smith’s intention was to make three Canada-centric horror comedies that all connect in some way.  Yoga Hosers is the second installment of what Smith calls his “True North Trilogy”.  Wish I knew that before I watched this spin-off of the first installment, a movie called Tusk.  (Fuck it, I’m watching that next.  It’s Kevin Smith, man.)  Anyway, this movie isn’t scary at all.  It probably shouldn’t be on this list but it’s too late now.

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Starring Kevin Smith’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith and Johnny Depp’s daughter, Lily-Rose Depp, who start the movie with a rap rock jam session (Of course, the director’s a huge Run DMC fan.), I was curious to see how a movie like this could work.  ……You’re damn right Silent Bob made it work.  Despite its ridiculous premise, Yoga Hosers is dripping with butt jokes and jammed up that very ass with Canadian caricaturization, nerdy nods and comic book references; that signature campy style we’ve come to expect and want from Kevin Smith movies.  His techniques still charm my geek shorts off.  We got Smith and Depp themselves in supporting roles, cameos from iconic people, tons of Batman references and Easter eggs, (More than I caught with my own eye, I’m sure.) and… come to think of it…this is the most “Kevin Smith” movie I’ve ever seen.

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Day 29: Tusk (2014)

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Nobody creates a cinematic universe quite like Kevin Smith, holy crap.  I had no idea how different this movie was gonna be from Yoga Hosers.  Now that I’ve seen them both, when I think about how these movies work in order, it’s pretty fucking brilliant.  Tusk begins as a comedy and slowly gets darker and more fucked up as it continues.  There’s still humor throughout the movie but it’s done in moderation which doesn’t take away from the sick, crazy story being told.  Props to this cast for carrying this movie and somehow keeping it up in the next movie as different characters, with the exception of a few main characters who get more screen time and more of a center focus in Yoga Hosers.  A trilogy of three completely different types movies within the same universe?  This is not the first time Kevin Smith has executed this.  However, it’s taken a step further this time.  Genius.  Can’t wait for the third installment, Moose Jaws.

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Day 30: Happy Death Day (2017)

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A girl wakes up on her birthday. That night, she’s murdered. She wakes up the next morning, it was a dream. Or was it?

Look, I’ll save you the Google search. It wasn’t a dream.  The poor girl relives the same day every day and dies every night.  It’s Groundhogs Day: The Horror Version.  The college girl horror version. There was a moment toward the end that took the movie from alright to “oh shit, that’s crazy”.  That lasted for a minute and five seconds.  It got corny fast. They almost redeemed it all with just two words, but by the end, it just converted to a good kind of corny.  A “Ok, that wasn’t all that bad. I had fun.” kinda corny. I guess the term is “cheesy”.  Whatever.  It was an eventful 95 minutes.

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Day 31: Halloween (1978)

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Come on.  I couldn’t NOT watch the original Halloween on Halloween after this:

If you haven’t already seen this CLASSIC, you’re not about this horror life.  I mean, I can respect that.  After all, not everyone is a loony horror enthusiast who watches scary movies for fun on the date the movie takes place in.  You definitely should cuz it’s better that way but you don’t hav- … I say that to say, … what is there to say about this iconic film?  John Carpenter.  Jamie Lee Curtis.  William Shatner face mold mask guy with a knife.  What else you need?

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Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Nothing.  I haven’t watched Stranger Things Season 2 yet.

Welp, Happy Halloween!

*stays home sipping hot cocoa, calmly*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 21-31)

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That’s it?  I still got a long ass list of movies though. …..  (Thank God, yo.  I was dying, yo.  Nah, yo.  Nah.  Too many fucking movies, b.  Chill, b.  I brrrrrr wit the nah-nah-nah, b.  Almost gave up about a week agooo!)

Fellow brethren and sistren, October has come to an end and that means we can stop acting scary now.  No more life-size poseable skeletons, jack-o’-lanterns and rubber roach replicas.  Only “boo” you need to be worried about after midnight is your significant other.  Y’all are just about ready to move on from all this ghoulish stuff so I’ll cut to the chase.  Homestretch.  We on it.

Day 21: Oculus (2013)

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I have to watch this one again.  When it finally got going at the end, I kind of wished I didn’t almost doze off during the first hour.  In my defense, it takes way too long for shit to pop off.  NOTHING HAPPENS!  I didn’t even take notes so I have nothing to talk about here.  All I know is when something DID happen, it was interesting enough to make me want to revisit it and pay close attention to that first hour.  With that said, I tucked this one in my movie stash for a rainy day.

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Day 22: See No Evil (2006)

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Let’s keep the WWE Studios produced movies theme going, shall we?

Just what I need.  Senseless, erratic mutilation.  “Choke slam to the ceiling!” (Jim Ross voice)  If you get queasy at the thought of eye sockets being infiltrated, LOOK AWAY.  This is not for you.

Hey, remember that show, Taina on Nickelodeon?  All my hick-spanics know!  I was surprised to see her in a horror movie for no valid reason at all.  And to last as long as she did in this one.  Because let’s face it. Only the white survive.

I have just a few comments for some of the scenes in this movie, so here they are.

-Yeah, sure.  Tell the man that holds your life in his hands to let you go as he dangles you from an apartment building window.  Very smart.

-The blonde chick is lucky the iPhone 6 Plus wasn’t out at the time or she would’ve had to deep-throat that.

And finally….

-What’s with all the generic hip-hop music in this movie? ……  OOOOH, that’s right.  This was made around the time Vince McMahon was in his black phase.

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I wish I was joking but this “Keep it up” segment happened late 2005 and See No Evil was released in 2006. Shaking my motherfucking head.

Day 23: See No Evil 2 (2014)

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Not 1 single eyeball was poked out.  What in the entire fuck!???!!!  I thought that was Jacob Goodnight’s schtick.  WHY IS HE TALKING?!  *sigh*

I have to say, this is still better than the first one.  The suspense in the first half hour of this movie is some of the finest straight-to-DVD films have to offer.  Aside from Kane talking and not even coming close to an eyeball, his character appeared to be much more complete.

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Jacob Goodnight was super imposing, upgrading his attire by adding a leather apron and a mask.  Even the weapons looked more pristine and bad-ass.  He looks now like he can even take on the elite slasher movie serial killers like Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.  On second thought, it’s pretty cool Kane got some lines this time around.  He deserves it.

Day 24: Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

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Ever since I went to the See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel at NY Comic-Con last year, I had been looking forward to these movies, so I watched them back to back.

You see that picture of Hornswoggle right there?  Most misleading shit I’ve ever seen.  The man wasn’t shown ONCE in the movie.  He’s credited for making believe he’s in the movie. LMAOOOOO!  What the fuck was this?  There’s no way in hell Hornswoggle was in the costume and makeup.  It wasn’t even a Leprechaun.  It was some ugly ass creature running around, naked.  Am I missing something?  I don’t remember shit about the Leprechaun movies but, fuck outta here!  I know what a Leprechaun is.  That’s not a fucking Leprechaun.

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As far as the quality of the movie goes, it was ok.  Between the few gruesome scenes and the Irish dudes hilariously arguing in that Irish accent, it was watchable.  There was one scene that was excellent.  My eyebrows shot up, my eyes popped out of my head and I reacted with actual words.  “OOOH! ….. Daaamn.”  If you saw this movie, I’m sure you know the scene I’m talking about.  Very well done.

I’m still pissed the homie Hornswoggle wasn’t in a green top hat, sniffing around for gold coins and eating Lucky Charms though.  It’s bullshit.

Day 25: The Shining (1980)

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“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Please tell me one person did not sit at the typewriter and typed that shit.  It was like 100 pages of that shit.  If it was, I feel sorry for their fingers.

Jack fell asleep in a kitchen full of free Oreos, Tang, Country Time Lemonade, Corn Nuts and Nilla Wafers.  Unless the reason he fell asleep in there was the itis, Jack was buggin’.

All jokes aside, this is a masterpiece.  Stanley Kubrick shot this shit beautifully.  I’m glad I didn’t waste my time looking for the shorter, supposed “better” version as Kubrick would call it.  I prefer seeing every scene that was shot for this movie.  Jack Nicholson HAS to be a psycho in real life.  The faces he makes, to me, can’t be learned.  That shit is natural.  Don’t try to convince me he’s THAT good of an actor because I already know that.  It’s not happening. Those expressions have not nearly enough to do with acting than it does being a fucking born psychopath.

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If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and just watch it.  I never watched it from beginning to end without distractions until now and it was 10 times better than I remembered it.  That’s cuz I didn’t pay attention before.  What more do I need to say about an 80’s horror movie that would convince you to watch it other than “It’s an 80’s horror movie”? That’s pretty much all that needs to be said.  So isolate yourself for two and a half hours. GO!  This needs to be SEENT.

Day 26: V/H/S: Viral (2014)

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Three days after its release, I was watching this on a comfy couch, in the comfort of my home.  The internet is the greatest aspect of life.

Movie begins with a dude obsessively filming his pretty ass girlfriend, on some Joe Budden shit.  Before I knew it, shit got REAL!  I got goosebumps at the 19-minute mark.  That’s unheard of!  The movie moves so quickly, you don’t have to wait AT ALL for shit to go down.

The entire V/H/S series is fun to watch.  Never a dull moment.

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I wish I could be a fly on the wall at one of the round table discussions/brainstorming sessions for these movies.  How do they come up with this stuff?  Everybody in the threads on Reddit are saying they were disappointed with this movie.  That it wasn’t as good as the first 2 movies.  That part is true.  This one lacked compared to the others and the story was confusing.  Disappointed though?  Sounds like a personal problem.  Whoever says they didn’t have fun watching this is a lying ass faggot.  Parts 1 and 2 were good because they were fun to watch and made you go, “What the fuck?”.  “Viral” did that.  So take the dicks out your asses and just accept the fact that every horror movie declines with every sequel.  Not every movie is going to have a strong ending.  Just enjoy the ride.

Day 27: The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

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Oh my God.  Why does this exist?  Please let this be the last ‘Purge’ movie.  Shit sucks!  The casting is horrible.  These actors were not meant to be in a movie like this.  They sucked.  The movie itself pissed me off.  It’s always some emotional ass stupid bitches fucking up the groove.  Let the man get his revenge, who GIVES a fuck?

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It’s like you do right by somebody and they repay you by being clingy and ruining your life.  Hate that shit.  This shit was MAD disposable.

Omar from The Wire and I share the same sentiment.  “MOTHERFUCK THE PURGE!”

Day 28: World War Z (2013)

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The unrated cut.  EXCELLENT movie.  It could’ve ended after 28 minutes and I would’ve been satisfied with just that.  So fast-paced, so intense.  You know shit is hectic when you eagerly take refuge in a project building in Newark, New Jersey.

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I officially want to read the novel this movie is based on, which is kind of backwards for me.  I prefer reading books (this sentence already sounds inaccurate) before watching their film adaptations…….on the rare occasion that I DO read a book.  See how I patched that sentence up at the end like dat dere?  (Auntie Fee voice)

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Oh, you didn’t?  Then why the hell you pointing the ca….take that mothafuckin’ camera off me and point it at the blog, SHIT!

Anyway,  the “Mother Nature is a serial killer” monologue alone made me wonder what other gems were compressed and even removed completely from the script.

I recommend World War Z to pretty much anybody who likes movies in general.  Or Brad Pitt.

Day 29: Aftershock (2012)

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Eli Roth never disappoints.  It’s all in the tagline.  Everything that can possibly go wrong in this movie, DOES!  And it’s all humanity’s fault once the earthquake is over.  Even acts of kindness result in the most unimaginable epic fails you’ve ever seen in any film.  It’s what separates this one from the others.  Every glimpse of hope these characters felt were immediately crushed.

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At one point, I figured there’s no happy ending for any of these people. They have the worst luck.  Whether I was right or wrong is up to y’all to find out.  I’m not one to spoil things.  That’s for the faggots.

Day 30: A Serbian Film (2010)

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I can not believe what I just watched.  I’m surprised this isn’t banned everywhere.  This movie is not for the faint of heart any-fucking-body.  Seriously.  Is this how Serbia gets down?

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It’s rated NC-17, so I should’ve known.  I should’ve known I was in for some fucked up shit.  I don’t even wanna say what it’s about.  If you’re curious, google it and read the synopsis.  I will say, though, that after reading about the director’s intentions, I reckon that this movie has artistic merit.  Srđan Spasojević (don’t even know how to pronounce that) said in an interview, “You’re raped from birth and it doesn’t even stop after your death.”  Now, I see the movie in a new light.  It’s still fucked up to no end, but now I know it wasn’t made to just sicken the audience as much as possible.  It was also to make a statement through metaphor.  I just don’t think the average person can sit through this.  Too graphic.

DOUBLE FEATURE!

WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A

DOUBLE FEATURE!

Day 31: Eraserhead (1977) & Pieces (1982)

Decided to watch 2 movies to conclude #ScaryMovieADayMonth because I’m a masochist and apparently, 31 movies in 31 days just isn’t enough for me.

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In 2014, a 1977 movie made me say, “Whoa, how’d they do that?”  You new special effects people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

This movie is fucking weird.  Even though there’s no definitive explanation of what this movie is about, but to me, it’s basically about how life sucks balls and marriage and parenthood makes it suck dick.  And that the little bit of sleep you get as a parent sucks ass because if you’re not having a nightmare, you’re having a sweet dream that only makes you realize how much your life sucks orangutan tits once you wake up.  And that the only solution is to murder your child in cold….grits?  Oops, I just gave away too much.  Oh well, it’s not like your were going to watch this anyway.

Chicken period.

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Pieces

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80’s gory goodness.  The only copy I could find was like a videocassette rip and it looked all shitty.  PERFECT.  I prefer watching old movies like that, in their fuzzy, original picture quality.  Unless it’s a masterpiece or a movie with highly visual scenes, I don’t want to watch old movies in Blu-ray.  It’ll just unmask more flaws from already flawed movies with unprecedented clarity.  Fuck that.  Other than the few enjoyable, gory scenes, this movie is pretty bad.

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The actors where just miming recordings of their voices reading the script, you can tell.  Sometimes, their mouths barely moved while you can clearly hear them “speaking”.  There were stupid scenes that had nothing to do with anything.  Like the Kung-Fu professor scene.  Pointless.  Lots of nudity, including full frontal from both a female and a male.  That’s 2 days in a row I watch a movie with male full frontal nudity.  This is ridick-ulous.  I’m kind of glad #ScaryMovieADayMonth is over.  The pecker sightings were getting out of hand.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

– Lights Out by David F. Sandberg (2013)

Short 2-minute film.  Creepy as all hell.

Tuck Me In by Ignacio F. Rodó (2014)

Advertised as the scariest 1-minute short film you will ever see.  Sounds about right.

– Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments (2004)

The infamous countdown that I can still enjoy a decade later.  My potential list of movies for next year is already significantly hefty but it’s better if it always is.  This countdown is helping me with that.

3 years in a row.  94 scary movies in 93 days.  Not really back to back but yes, really… sort of .. kind of.

Time to go Trick-or-Treating!  Which, by my definition, is pickpocketing kids for their candy while creepily salivating over the sexy Halloween costumes the THOTS so THOTfully wear.  (I’m not doing this. It’s just my definition.)

There might even be a costume twerk-off in the middle of the street.  You never know, these days.

Happy Halloween, everybody!  *revs up chainsaw, runs like maniac through crowded NYC streets*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 21-31)

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That’s right, hoochie mamas & baby daddies!  I sat and watched a movie errday for a month, for the 2nd year in a row.  #ScaryMovieADayMonth is finally over.  Thank you, ass cramp relief gods, no homo.  Only the 2nd time I do this and I already found myself digging for the shortest flicks I could find.  Big mistake.  And to think, I went for the most interesting sounding short ones.  So you’ll know its longer than 1 hour and 35 minutes if I’m saying positive things about it.

Let’s see if shit hits the fan in any of these.

 

Day 21: Cujo (1983)

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Big ass rabid dog attacks.  Guaranteed to scare the shit out of kids.  Make ’em cross the street when they see a dog.  The fear of having a dog black out on you can be instilled in people of all ages though.  Good watch, well done.

 

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Day 22: Jaws (1975)

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This shit here!  Similarly to “Cujo”, this one would make a casual swimmer/surfer/beach-head stay the fuck out of the water.  This movie is 10 times better than “Cujo” though, to me.  In 1975, the mechanics used in this movie blew minds, I’m sure of it.  That shark looks real as fuck! ….. I mean uh ….. it’s real, you guys.  Forget I said anything.  This is simply a shark caught on tape, ironically, fishing for humans.  Yup, that’s my belief and I’m sticking with that.  (Movie is fucking real, bruh.)  But yeah.

 

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This is actually a thriller but the realism and idea of this happening was horrific enough to land a spot on the “100 Scariest Movie Moments” special on the Bravo Network.  After all, I did replace the word ‘horror’ with ‘scary’ in #ScaryMovieADayMonth for that reason.  There are thousands of thrillers that capture the audience with fast-paced action but then there are films that rely on horrific themes that were put on-screen to scare people.  I haven’t seen the movie Gravity yet, but the plot is terrifying.  The idea of being unanchored in space is gut-wrenching.  (Making a mental note to watch this next October if I don’t give in and just go catch it in IMAX this weekend.)  I put myself in the character’s shoes and feel what they feel.  I be gettin’ lost in these movies, g. Word!

It happened with Jaws.  I was sucked in.  But this dope ass, Spielberg directed classic is almost 40 years old, so I’ll stop holding up the goddamn blog to get to the new stuff.

 

Day 23: Silent House (2011)

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This remake of a 2010 Uruguayan independent film of the same name stars the youngest Olsen sister, Elizabeth Olsen.  Her performance wowed me.  I didn’t think it would be as good as it was.  If memory serves me correct, there appears to be no cuts in the scenes, giving the viewers a sense of unedited raw-ness, if you will.  Whole movie, one continuous shot of a girl FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!  I enjoyed this and your girl did… I mean … will too.

 

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Day 24: Them (2006)

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French-Romanian movie with subtitles. It’s was barely ‘ok’.  OH but wait, this is based on real events?! Oh my God! That makes this really sca….no.

O-K. That’s it.

 

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Day 25: The Haunting (1963)

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I watched this because it’s Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror film.  Curiosity bored the shit out of this cat.  I guess he loves it for the script and neat camera shots. I’m guessing because I didn’t pay enough attention to dissect it.

What are the 5 best movie elements of all time?

Dialogue …. Dialogue …. Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue.

Ugh.

 

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Day 26: Creepshow 2 (1987)

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Here I go, picking the easiest movies to watch again. Ya’know, I kind of learned to like these somewhat light-hearted stories, so I watched the rest of the series.  Bad acting everywhere, what a treat.  It’s like watching Goosebumps or Are You Afraid Of The Dark? but for adults.  “Thanks for the ride, lady!”  Some good laughs here.

 

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Day 27: Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

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An 80’s TV show, turned movie.  Cool.  Even though it’s expected, this movie has a surprising amount of stars in it.  Christian Slater, Julianne Moore, Matthew Lawrence (Boy Meets World), Steve Buscemi, even Debbie Harry from the band, Blondie.  The list goes on.  It was like playing I Spy.  Like, “Oh shit!  Look who it is!”  “Oooh!  Where is she from again?”  On top of that, this shit was hilarious.  “You broke your promise, you idiot!  I loved you!”  *rips own scalp in 2*  … My midsection was boomin’, cuhh.  It ends with a kid throwing a suburban housewife in an incinerator and saying, “Don’t you just love happy endings?”  I lost it.  Genuine tears.  What kind of shit is that?

 

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This isn’t really a sequel, just made by the same people.  So after making this next movie on the list, the creators said in an interview that Tales From The Darkside: The Movie was the actual 3rd and final installment to the Creepshow series.  I guess they agreed with my sentiment of Creepshow 3.

 

Day 28: Creepshow 3 (2006)

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This is the only movie that ties in all the stories and show what and how they affect each story.  It’s way more simple than what I just said.  This movie is ass.  A few gruesome deaths and way more blood is shed though, I’m guessing to quench modern horror movie-goers’ thirst for disgusting guts splattering.

 

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Day 29: V/H/S (2012)

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Awwww sheeit!  This is my new favorite series.  A bunch of sick footage gathered and edited into 1 long montage.  When I tell you shit hits the fan in this, it’s because the proverbial fecal matter does indeed hit the propellers.  The deaths look a little TOO real and I found myself cringing, even after being desensitized by the 28 movies I already watched this month.  The point of the movie might not be all that but once you see what happens, who cares?  I strongly recommend this shit, unless you have a weak stomach.

 

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Day 30: V/H/S/2 (2013)

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Once again, the excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device!  It started off really stupid but picked up halfway through.  Even the fake, impossible shit makes you go, “Whoa.  Did that just…..CAN that happen?” ….. ILL.

 

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Day 31: Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

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Looked at this picture, then read how interesting the film-making process was and I was sold.  The maker of this movie, Randy Moore, actually shot a majority of this film in Disney World and Disneyland.  Get this: …….WITHOUT PERMISSION!  They had the scripts on their iPhones and made a fucking movie on the low without Walt Disney Company’s approval.  I had to watch it.

 

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Shitty.  Didn’t like it.  But then again, I don’t really fuck with psychological horrors like that.  They’re effective on me but I just think they should at least try to get a physical reaction out of the audience as well as mentally to hit a home run.  This genre is full of pop up fly balls that ultimately get nowhere.  However, this is Randy Moore’s debut and I gotta say…that was a helluva risk he took, making this movie.  It gives me the impression that he’s a visionary who soon will make something awe-inspiring.  And for that, I’ll keep an eye out for his future work.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

The Fear of God: 25 Years of ‘The Exorcist’ (1998)

Dope documentary. All the tricks they used for special effects, cool facts and creepy coincidences between events in the movie and in real life.

 

The Curse of ‘The Omen’ (2005)

This documentary scared me more than any of the movies. The things that happened to the people involved with The Omen are peculiarly bone-chilling.

 

BAM! 31 in a month again.  *wipes sweat*

Already got a few in mind for next year.  But, fuck!  I just hope it takes forever to get there.  I’ll probably get excited again during the summer, when that heat makes me beg for autumn weather again.

I need a fucking shower.  I’m outtie!  *cannon ball dives into giant washing machines*

MTV, Please Come Back!

Dear MTV,

Where the fuck you at, b?  You hit us with the famous deadbeat dad line, “I’ll be right back” and hauled ass.  We ain’t seen you for a few years.  All we have are bittersweet “photo album-like” memories to reminisce over on the internet and VHS tapings.  It’s not enough.  What were you thinking?  Introducing us to MTV2 and MTV Tr3s was your little way of disguising your weak ass programming, huh?  Sure you tried to make a few comebacks in the past.  Yo! MTV Raps (online), Beavis and Butt-Head, and even Celebrity Deathmatch on MTV2 for a while.  But those never lasted.  They were swept right out from under our feet yet again and left with what?  Friendzone, WakeBrothers and reruns of The Hills.  Are you out of your fucking mind?!!  While you’re at it, just change the name of the station already!  Add an ‘F’ to the front, seriously! Don’t get me wrong, Jersey Shore WAS ok.  WAS.  It’s the same shit every season though and we caught on to that.  It’s over for that shit now.  Nobody gives a flying flaming bag of dog shit about what a pregnant Snooki & J-Woww do on their lonely journeys together either.  Or what club DJ Pauly D is hitting up every night.  The only thing that actually represents what the channel should be is AMTV and that shit comes on too early in the day.

You’re really gonna let BET have the upper hand on you on something?  They actually have a music countdown that airs every weekday.  Let’s face it, nobody watches it because it sucks ass.  BET is “Strugglelandia” and the only thing worth watching there is the Hip-Hop Awards and the opening performance at the BET Awards.  Nothing else.  But at least they have a countdown.  Would it hurt to air MTV Jams again from 7-8 PM on a nightly basis before new episodes of ‘whatever-the-fuck’ comes on?  Or how about TRL from 3-5 again? (the hour long TRL sucked)  You do realize that ain’t shit on TV at that time and your ratings would be much better if you didn’t repeat episodes of oompa loompas “doing” sex all goddamn day, right? *sigh*

Other than FUSE, you’re the only network that doesn’t need ratchet reality TV shows to entertain.  All you need is a music countdown in the middle of the day that airs live from Times Square, NYC “Daly” to satisfy us and actually live up to the name of the network.  MTV, don’t leave us like this.  Please come back!

                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                          Fan of 15 years

P.S.  Spring Break deserves to be aired strictly on TV.  Bouncing boobs and ass shakes don’t look as good on computer screens.

Until next time…  *walks like Shaggy into car wash to hide struggle tears*