#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

*sigh*

Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

Happy Cinco de Mayweather!

…..is what all the hoes want to hear from dude.

The swag this man possesses. To beat a Mexican on Cinco De Mayo.

Move over Star Wars fans,  “May Day” is now 3 days later and quite honestly, “May the 4th be with you” is a little outdated.  Let’s face it, George Lucas released the raging bull and Disney hung a red blanket before  a wall of spikes that activates a hydrofluoric acid splasher. It’s fucking over.

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But what’s NOT over is ‘Money’ Mayweather’s perfect winning streak record.  Floyd Mayweather Jr. has now won 44 bouts in a row.  Y’all thought Undertaker was impressive?  Well, wrestling is fake.  So yea. …No.

His latest victim, Robert Guerrero was confident that he would be the one to finally defeat Money May, as every boxer in the past has.  Maybe he should have stepped on Floyd’s foot to keep him where he wanted him but…OH! Wait a minute, he did!  More than once.  Which is the only reason Guerrero looked strong in the 1st round.  I don’t care, it was a wrap for him as soon as he came out to the ring.  And to think, Mayweather was the one who was accompanied by a rapping Lil’ Wayne during his entrance.

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Instead of HBO, it was Showtime.  Instead of his uncle Roger Mayweather, it was his father Floyd Mayweather Sr. in his corner.  Instead of 50 Cent, it was Lil’ Wayne who came out with ‘Money’.  I was nervous y’all.  After Cotto gave him the fight of his life and after being incarcerated for two months, shit just wasn’t right.  He wasn’t “Pretty Boy Floyd”.  He was humble as fuck.  However, his greatness is enough to keep us reminded of how good he is.

Oh yea, by the way… some of y’all don’t even remember when Floyd had hair so stop washing the man’s meat.  We know he’s great, just chill with all the bibble.  He’s human.  He can and will lose eventually.  So many people on this guy’s nuts, I almost misread a few tweets.  But I caught myself before I could comment on them.  For example, Peter Rosenberg of Hot 97 tweeted this:

Pete

To which I almost replied, “Yo fam, take the dick out your throat and do your research. Nicolino “El Intocable” Locche.” (The Untouchable)

But then I realized, Rosenberg wasn’t wrong.  He said “I’ve never seen..”, which means he’s just oblivious to Locche, as most people are to begin with.  So, just like the meat riders, I need to chill.  (Y’all must chill first in order for me to chill though, so chill. )

Long story short, Floyd outboxed this dude.  The numbers on the scorecards could’ve been mistaken for salary income.  Mayweather’s percentages were waaaaaay above Guerrero’s in ever damn facet of the match-up.  He did it again.

“May Day” was yesterday but it continues on until maybe 6PM today.  Why 6?  I don’t fucking know.  Who gives a flying enchilada shit anyway? ……………………………. Bitch.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody!

Enjoy!  *dubs twerk videos with Mariachi music*

How good was Superbowl XLVII?

How good was Superbowl XLVII

It’s been 3 days since the big game and I still can’t get the image of Beyoncé licking her thumb and provocatively sliding it down her chest out of my head.  And I’m not mad (at all) at the popular opinion that her Halftime show performance was possibly the best we’ve ever seen.  This also can be said about the actual game.  Every Superbowl is exciting in its own right and there are always fun facts thrown around to keep us caring about the two teams in the ultimate match-up.  But if you sit for a sec and recap what you witnessed on Sunday night, you might catch yourself mumbling, “Wow, that game was really amazing.”  Let’s start with the NFC & AFC Championship games of last season.

Last year, both of these teams fell short by an inch!  They both lost because they each made a mistake so miniscule, that fate can be the only explanation for what happened.  The truth is, the New York Giants and New England Patriots got lucky.  The San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens both deserved to be on the big stage last year as much as the teams that made it there.  So them being the top dogs THIS year is a true testament to that.  It’s like a fairy tale.

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You got Ravens wide receiver, Torrey Smith, who lost his 19 year old brother from a motorcycle accident earlier this year and still played what would turn out to be the best game of his career just hours later.  Then of course, their linebacker Ray Lewis, a leader who although was indicted on murder and aggravated-assault charges back in 2000, managed to recover his image and went on to defensively dominate on a consistent basis becoming one of the greatest middle linebackers of all time.  After tearing a tricep early in the season, he announced his retirement from the NFL, making this his last season.  On the other side, there’s Niners Quarterback Colin Kaepernick.  He’s a baby in the game!  Only his 2nd year in the NFL and already led his team to a Superbowl on his 1st year as starting QB.  And if that’s not enough of a fairy tale for y’all, the coaches came out of the same vagina!

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Jim and John Harbaugh, brothers.  Only a year apart.  Who isn’t intrigued by the idea of siblings putting their love for each other aside for 4 hours and competing to make their mutual lifelong dream, the one thing they worked incredibly hard for, become a reality?  Fuckin’ NOBODY!  With this fun little factor, non-Ravens fans and non-Niners fans now have a reason to care about this event.

As if this wasn’t enough to care:

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Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook choir sing “America The Beautiful” together, Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem, and BAM!  The game begins.  The 1st half was all Ravens.  They jumped, slid, rolled, danced to the end zone.

Light work!

Light work!

It was sad how bad the Niners were getting spanked.  21-6 at the half and it was time for Queen B to show the world what she does.  And boy, she does it well!  I mean, this MILF……. *sigh*.  I don’t know what to say.  All I know is when the announcer said “Beyoncé”, every female species on earth broke their neck and their eyes were glued to the screen in a split second for the 1st time all night.  She came out, ripped a few garments off and every MALE species on earth felt something flinch in their pants.  We all got chubs in unison.  You can’t get raging boners at social gatherings like that so we all just popped a quick chub.  The most consistent Superbowl chub of all time, might I add.

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Milf-oncé

 

Beyoncé, to come off  lip sync controversy and bounce back so quickly and efficiently, was amazing.   WHAM!  She hits us with a Destiny’s Child reunion!  Chubs flinched yet again when Kelly Rowland came out flaunting her new cakes.  Irreleva…. I mean, Michelle Williams came out the ground and our chubs anticipated the cameras to lose focus or switch angles.  There were  lights, smoke, fire, sparks coming out of guitars & 90’s babies’ ears perked up.  The nostalgic trip was in full effect.

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Just before it gets too DC’d out, B nips it in the bud.  She closes the show out with “Halo” and shows off her glorious vocal pipes after 8 minutes of non-stop choreography.  Inconceivable.  I can’t even rap along to my iPod while walking without needing a Gatorade.  She sang the SHIT out of the word “Halo”.  It was truly breathtaking.  You can almost see Ray Lewis catching the holy ghost with a face full of tears in the locker room while the rest of the team prepares for the second half.

Twitter was bombarded with Beyoncé tweets.

 

 

You know I couldn’t resist.

 

 

If I can recall correctly, there was one play before the lights of the stadium went out for 34 minutes.  Jacoby Jones runs 109 yards to break a new record for longest kickoff return touchdown in a Superbowl, ever.  To add insult to injury, this dude did the Ray Lewis squirrel dance in the end zone.

 

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I swear, they thought this shit was Soul Train.

 

Niners fans all across the nation sucked their teeth and took off their team gear at this point.  All hope was lost.  Next thing we knew, half of the Superdome had shut down.

 

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The lights went out.  That’s when Jigga Man himself shared a tweet.

What else did they expect to happen with stage production like this?

 

power5n-5-web

 

……………………..

// I just had to add that.

Blackout.  I immediately thought, “This is a good thing.”  The San Francisco 49ers is my 2nd favorite team.  And being that the Baltimore Ravens took out MY New England Patriots in their last game, the only thing I wanted more than to tell the Ravens they can draw upon my pubic sack succulently for no less than 30 seconds, was this much needed momentum shift.  Momentum shift granted.  49ers made a remarkable comeback taking the lead and we had ourselves a FUCKING GAME!  Kaepernick reminded us how he and his team made it this far.

 

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The bad calls on both sides, the intentional safety, the failed 2-point conversion … this game was IN. TENSE.  Just like last year, every second was crucial.  It came down to the last play.  Niners came up short, big brother upset little brother, the Baltimore Ravens prevailed.

 

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Ray Lewis with the Lombardi Trophy

 

So now, these motherfuckers eliminated my favorite team AND beat my 2nd favorite team in the Superbowl!  Or the #Harbowl or the #Sup-Harbaugh, as I like to call it.  Some refer to it as the #BeyonceBowl.  Whatever!  They crushed my happiness twice.  But in the end, I couldn’t be mad at them.  Joe Flacco was astounding throughout the entire season, finishing with no interceptions. Not 1.  They deserved it.

Great game, Great halftime ….. but what about the commercials?  Honestly, we were too busy discussing the game to even care about commercials this year.  I glanced at the TV here and there.  I saw 2 or 3 good ones.

Like this one:

 

I don't even know what this commercial was for.  I just rememeber an old man nipple on a glass.

I don’t even know what this commercial was for. I just remember an old man nipple on a glass.

 

But for those who were REALLY watching them, quick question.  Were the commercials really not up to par this year or was the event just impossible to outshine?

 

I guess you can say I’m back…? *shrug* Let me go watch that Halftime show one more time though.

I’ll holla!  *hops in tub of Jergens*

 

“What’s Really The Point?” (by @DontFeedTheBird)

Hoodwinked…

Now, that I have your attention…I’m here to disclose some information with you niggas who follow & RT parody accounts on twitter…IT’S FUCKING USELESS BRO. COMPLETELY USELESS. Please explain to me the satisfaction one gets from following a “@WhatTedSaid” page. It’s a fucking movie bro. I hate the word “bro”..especially when I don’t fuck with you like that…that’s neither here nor there though. Back to what I was saying, Ted for instance it’s a fucking Teddy Bear that’s verified on twitter. You niggas really got a fictional character verified, We must do better. The nigga has a whopping 400,000 followers my jiggy…let’s be fucking serious.

Led-astray…

Meek Mill, Will Ferrell, Drake, Frank Ocean, Wiz Khalifa, Kirko Bangz…you ask what they all have in common? TONS OF PARODY PAGES.

You hooligans really sit there & run fake pages. Nigga, it’s 2012…be yourself. You really think these niggas have time to sit there & give relationship advice!? They got roleys to cop, movies to film, bottles to pop, & write songs bout him (disgusted iPhone emoji for the real niggas like myself). But anyways, all them parody pages tweet THEE SAME SHIT. A famous one will be “As a couple, never argue with each over Twitter. Never let people know when your home isn’t happy. That’s when hoes think they’re invited.” – Ted…. <— you see that bullshit!?! Even tho it do be shit you want to RT, you must chill & have some dignity & pride. Unfollow these parody pages & lets stop them from ruining what we accomplished, & that’s making twitter the dopest shit to ever be invented.

Remember, just cause you lied a few times, it does not make you a liar. #100.