Stephen King’s IT Retrospective

thumb-1920-787294

HIYA GEORGIE!

On September 8th, 2017,  The Losers’ Club and Pennywise hit theaters for the first time.  Although it’s only been less than a month since then, it feels far behind us enough – especially in these fast times we live – to look back at already.  (Anything after two weeks is a lifetime in the age of information.)  Naturally, comparisons were, are and will be made to the original TV mini-series that aired on ABC in 1990 because while not technically a movie, it’s the only other visual based on Stephen King’s novel.  After all, Hollywood refuses to make anything original anymore so what fun would it be if we didn’t make connections while we’re forced to watch different versions of already existing intellectual property?  There’s basically no other choice.  Basically.  HOWEVER! …It’s ok.  It’s perfectly fine this time because IT was, for the most part, remade for the better and it was glorious.

maxresdefault

As a horror lover who has never read the novel and completely missed out on the mini-series all the way until AFTER the 2017 movie trailer was released, I had no idea what IT was about, really.  The combination of Pennywise’s pop culture relevance and the quality of Stephen King’s bibliography and their film adaptations suggested that I probably should have watched this already.  Unfortunately, those things were also exactly what created expectations for me.  As much as I hate to say that there was a presumed threshold of quality I felt this mini-series needed to meet for me to justify its impact, I certainly could not deny the underwhelming sour taste of lackluster I was left with once it was over.

maxresdefault

The first half of this two-parter was perfectly fine.  A shapeshifter that exploits the phobias of a group of children, mainly in the form of a creepy clown, is such a great concept because young kids are susceptible to being consumed by their fears.  That’s exactly what we got in part one.  I thought, “This is perfect pacing.  First half’s to become familiar with the characters, second half’s for straight clown terror.”  I was excited to start part two immediately and was let down just that fast.  Then I was let down again, and again, and……..”OH MY GOD! THAT ENDING WAS EGREGIOUS!”, I thought to myself.  Wasn’t this supposed to be a classic?

index

The only thing classic here was Tim Curry’s performance as Pennywise.  He is unrecognizable in that makeup and even through all his goofy actions, the character is genuinely scary.  Curry made me understand why so many people fear clowns on a deeper level after a lifetime of just chalking it up to their seemingly predatory appearance.  I could only imagine what watching this as a child can do to your psyche.  Sorry y’all went through that, 80’s babies.  Clowns are officially no longer allowed 50 yards from me.

tumblr_of9qiaxH8W1tr6ni8o1_500

Curry’s awesomeness alone isn’t enough to captivate the audience for more than 3 hours though.  Neither can the fun mini-game we all play of pointing out familiar faces when we watch old stuff.  “Oh, it’s Annette O’Toole, a.k.a. Lana Lang from Superman III.”…”LOL what are you doing here, dad from Sister, Sister?” … “Wait, is that…?  Holy crap, that’s Seth Green!  He’s so young there!”  The unexpected use of the N-word made for some heavy drama but that wasn’t gonna cut it either.

Not-So-Fun Fact: Did you know that John Ritter, who played Ben and Jonathan Brandis, who played Young Bill, both died in 2003?  Eerie.  Brandis through suicide by hanging.  So sad.

Do you see the problem here?  I’d rather talk about the things surrounding IT than the mini-series itself.  There’s also a lot to laugh at while you watch but most of it is unintentionally funny, almost to the point of making you want to create a drinking game for it.  Out of the second part’s 90-minute runtime, only about 10 were enjoyable.  The parts where the original airing took commercial breaks weren’t even edited in the home release.  A lot of IT just flat-out sucks, unfortunately.  It made all the sense in the world why so many were excited this year about the theatrical release of a remake.

tenor

Every trailer I saw for the new IT was convincing.  The formulaic approach of overusing the cliché jump scare and other repeated tactics made familiar in high-budget horror movies was apparent in each one.  Yet, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing in this case because while not completely sold on Bill Skarsgård’s version of Pennywise, I sensed this film would be solid at best compared to the previous one.  How could it not be?  I found myself at an early screening with a friend 3 days before the release date and no more that 5 minutes into it, the tone was set.  The opening scene was gruesome!  The scene after that was a “Try Not To Look Away Challenge” for animal lovers.  In just the first 10 minutes, I was flabbergasted by how far the limits were pushed in a movie starring a bunch of child actors.

landscape-1490698430-it-the-losers-club

For how graphic the images were and continued to be throughout the entire film, the comic relief and performances connecting them were just as potent.  The cast was nothing short of fantastic, the majority of them too young to apply for a learner permit in most states.  Finn Wolfhard of Stranger Things fame managed to play a different character in what many people worried to be just a mirror image of his role in the Netflix Original series.  His portrayal of Ritchie acting as more of an inappropriate joke dispenser than Seth Green’s version of the character in the mini-series begged to differ from that notion.  He brought a freshness to the role and his energy bounced right off the other characters perfectly.  The chemistry was there and it felt like they were regular kids you can identify with, which helped me relax and let my guard down enough to be startled by a majority of the scary moments the movie had to offer.

it-bill-skarsgaard-pennywise

This movie is dark!  Not for kids at all.  While the 90’s version included language and images not suitable for children, this version is strictly geared toward an adult audience even with its comparatively covert horror tropes. There’s no doubt about which one was more frightening and it all comes down to Pennywise.  In not necessarily a better depiction, Bill Skarsgård’s version is without a doubt the more emotionally scarring of the two.  While Tim Curry’s Pennywise evokes nervous laughter with typical goofy clown mannerisms and underlying creepiness, Skarsgård’s eliminates any uncertainty about the intentions of a stalking clown with a sinister smile that instantly assures “It” is not to be trusted.  New Pennywise is spine-chilling.

One scene in particular was so disquieting, my eyebrows shot up, my mouth fell open and my face would not relax until the next scene.  There’s something to be said about a horror villain that still finds its way in a 26-year-old horror fanatic’s mind, causing neck-snapping glimpses over the shoulder while walking the dog late at night long after the movie is over.  Call me irrational for half-expecting to see a clown standing still, staring at me from across the street; the image of Pennywise’s face flashed before me continuously to the point of unreasonable slight paranoia.

it-teaser-trailer-spicypulp

With such a short period between my first viewing of the 1990 TV mini-series and the 2017 film’s theatrical release, I personally, almost involuntarily favor the latest adaption of Stephen King’s IT.  Critically acclaimed remakes are uncommon, rare even, placing this ubiquitously positively reviewed flick in a special class.  Chock-full of comic relief, effective scares, impressive performances across the board and an abundance of 80’s references and easter eggs, this awesome revision of the coming-of-age story is a delight, especially, but not exclusively to viewers already familiar.  A much needed upgrade from the antiquated visuals once believed to be definitive insures horror fans, including Stephen King, the IT re-imagining we deserve.

Advertisements

How good was Superbowl XLVII?

How good was Superbowl XLVII

It’s been 3 days since the big game and I still can’t get the image of Beyoncé licking her thumb and provocatively sliding it down her chest out of my head.  And I’m not mad (at all) at the popular opinion that her Halftime show performance was possibly the best we’ve ever seen.  This also can be said about the actual game.  Every Superbowl is exciting in its own right and there are always fun facts thrown around to keep us caring about the two teams in the ultimate match-up.  But if you sit for a sec and recap what you witnessed on Sunday night, you might catch yourself mumbling, “Wow, that game was really amazing.”  Let’s start with the NFC & AFC Championship games of last season.

Last year, both of these teams fell short by an inch!  They both lost because they each made a mistake so miniscule, that fate can be the only explanation for what happened.  The truth is, the New York Giants and New England Patriots got lucky.  The San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens both deserved to be on the big stage last year as much as the teams that made it there.  So them being the top dogs THIS year is a true testament to that.  It’s like a fairy tale.

Superbowl-XLVII-Wallpaper

You got Ravens wide receiver, Torrey Smith, who lost his 19 year old brother from a motorcycle accident earlier this year and still played what would turn out to be the best game of his career just hours later.  Then of course, their linebacker Ray Lewis, a leader who although was indicted on murder and aggravated-assault charges back in 2000, managed to recover his image and went on to defensively dominate on a consistent basis becoming one of the greatest middle linebackers of all time.  After tearing a tricep early in the season, he announced his retirement from the NFL, making this his last season.  On the other side, there’s Niners Quarterback Colin Kaepernick.  He’s a baby in the game!  Only his 2nd year in the NFL and already led his team to a Superbowl on his 1st year as starting QB.  And if that’s not enough of a fairy tale for y’all, the coaches came out of the same vagina!

super-bowl-xlvii-the-harbowl-570x380

Jim and John Harbaugh, brothers.  Only a year apart.  Who isn’t intrigued by the idea of siblings putting their love for each other aside for 4 hours and competing to make their mutual lifelong dream, the one thing they worked incredibly hard for, become a reality?  Fuckin’ NOBODY!  With this fun little factor, non-Ravens fans and non-Niners fans now have a reason to care about this event.

As if this wasn’t enough to care:

beyonce-super-bowl-600x450

Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook choir sing “America The Beautiful” together, Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem, and BAM!  The game begins.  The 1st half was all Ravens.  They jumped, slid, rolled, danced to the end zone.

Light work!

Light work!

It was sad how bad the Niners were getting spanked.  21-6 at the half and it was time for Queen B to show the world what she does.  And boy, she does it well!  I mean, this MILF……. *sigh*.  I don’t know what to say.  All I know is when the announcer said “Beyoncé”, every female species on earth broke their neck and their eyes were glued to the screen in a split second for the 1st time all night.  She came out, ripped a few garments off and every MALE species on earth felt something flinch in their pants.  We all got chubs in unison.  You can’t get raging boners at social gatherings like that so we all just popped a quick chub.  The most consistent Superbowl chub of all time, might I add.

beyonce-thumb-699x1024-78483

Milf-oncé

 

Beyoncé, to come off  lip sync controversy and bounce back so quickly and efficiently, was amazing.   WHAM!  She hits us with a Destiny’s Child reunion!  Chubs flinched yet again when Kelly Rowland came out flaunting her new cakes.  Irreleva…. I mean, Michelle Williams came out the ground and our chubs anticipated the cameras to lose focus or switch angles.  There were  lights, smoke, fire, sparks coming out of guitars & 90’s babies’ ears perked up.  The nostalgic trip was in full effect.

beyonce-super-bowl-fashion-destinys-child-650-430

Just before it gets too DC’d out, B nips it in the bud.  She closes the show out with “Halo” and shows off her glorious vocal pipes after 8 minutes of non-stop choreography.  Inconceivable.  I can’t even rap along to my iPod while walking without needing a Gatorade.  She sang the SHIT out of the word “Halo”.  It was truly breathtaking.  You can almost see Ray Lewis catching the holy ghost with a face full of tears in the locker room while the rest of the team prepares for the second half.

Twitter was bombarded with Beyoncé tweets.

 

 

You know I couldn’t resist.

 

 

If I can recall correctly, there was one play before the lights of the stadium went out for 34 minutes.  Jacoby Jones runs 109 yards to break a new record for longest kickoff return touchdown in a Superbowl, ever.  To add insult to injury, this dude did the Ray Lewis squirrel dance in the end zone.

 

sb5

I swear, they thought this shit was Soul Train.

 

Niners fans all across the nation sucked their teeth and took off their team gear at this point.  All hope was lost.  Next thing we knew, half of the Superdome had shut down.

 

628x471

 

The lights went out.  That’s when Jigga Man himself shared a tweet.

What else did they expect to happen with stage production like this?

 

power5n-5-web

 

……………………..

// I just had to add that.

Blackout.  I immediately thought, “This is a good thing.”  The San Francisco 49ers is my 2nd favorite team.  And being that the Baltimore Ravens took out MY New England Patriots in their last game, the only thing I wanted more than to tell the Ravens they can draw upon my pubic sack succulently for no less than 30 seconds, was this much needed momentum shift.  Momentum shift granted.  49ers made a remarkable comeback taking the lead and we had ourselves a FUCKING GAME!  Kaepernick reminded us how he and his team made it this far.

 

628x471

-crabtreeTDx-large

ONHK8cf

 

The bad calls on both sides, the intentional safety, the failed 2-point conversion … this game was IN. TENSE.  Just like last year, every second was crucial.  It came down to the last play.  Niners came up short, big brother upset little brother, the Baltimore Ravens prevailed.

 

url

Ray Lewis with the Lombardi Trophy

 

So now, these motherfuckers eliminated my favorite team AND beat my 2nd favorite team in the Superbowl!  Or the #Harbowl or the #Sup-Harbaugh, as I like to call it.  Some refer to it as the #BeyonceBowl.  Whatever!  They crushed my happiness twice.  But in the end, I couldn’t be mad at them.  Joe Flacco was astounding throughout the entire season, finishing with no interceptions. Not 1.  They deserved it.

Great game, Great halftime ….. but what about the commercials?  Honestly, we were too busy discussing the game to even care about commercials this year.  I glanced at the TV here and there.  I saw 2 or 3 good ones.

Like this one:

 

I don't even know what this commercial was for.  I just rememeber an old man nipple on a glass.

I don’t even know what this commercial was for. I just remember an old man nipple on a glass.

 

But for those who were REALLY watching them, quick question.  Were the commercials really not up to par this year or was the event just impossible to outshine?

 

I guess you can say I’m back…? *shrug* Let me go watch that Halftime show one more time though.

I’ll holla!  *hops in tub of Jergens*

 

The Fuckery: Love & Shit Pop: Atlanta

First off, let me get this off my chest…… LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This show is such a disservice to men & women. Especially for men.  But before I get into that, I want to point out this show is PACKED with doppelgangers.  The whole cast is just a bunch of look alikes .  K Michelle is a fake Keyshia Cole, that’s a given.  Mimi has a little Trina thing goin on.  Karlie reminds me of Shanell from Young Money a little too much.  There were rumors in the past about Joseline possibly being a man, so that’s that.  Rasheeda…….i don’t know who she looks like, but I don’t care.  Nobody does.  Her storyline sucks.  Her man looks like Lamar Odom though.  Benzino looks like a fucking british bulldog.   Lil Scrappy looks like he just finished eating ass every single time his face pops up, I’m sorry but he does.  Maybe that’s his secret to keeping his teeth that white.  If you ask me, his baby momma Erica looks like a man too.  And as for the rest of the cast….

Stevie J looks like everybody though.

Let’s talk about this fool for a second.  Stevie J is the reason why the show is so popular.  He’s a fucking clown.  Just look at his face.  That’s only 1 of the many retarded faces he makes randomly.  This man is the epitome of an “ain’t shit nigga”.  This dude is the disservice to us men I was talking about.  In women’s minds, he’s confirming that the majority of us are “ain’t shit niggas”.  Never mind what he does and has done for the music industry.  Strictly based on what’s happens on VH1 on Mondays at 8PM, this man is dumb as fuck.  But funny as fuck to watch.

Time out.  Look what I just found though…

See? Told you. Buncha look alikes.

Like I was saying… This motherfucker Stevie J is bugged.  Always making funny faces and saying outlandish shit.

LMAO!  Something is really wrong with him.  That ain’t even the half.  Those of you who watch know.  I was late to this show and watched the 1st 7 episodes last week.  Yea, I was sucked into this ratchet-fest.  Now I’m recruiting more of y’all.  If you haven’t watched, I recommend Stevie J’s storyline ONLY!  Fuck everything else.  Just watch how this fool acts.  Skip through the whole show.  Just watch HIS parts.  He’s still a “ain’t shit nigga”, but funny to watch.  The girls on this show just showcase women’s gossiping and chitchatting habits.  Of course, not every woman is like that.  Just how not every man is like Stevie J.  But America doesn’t think like that.  What’s seen on the show makes us look bad.  In some cases, women are the ones cheating and men are the one’s talking behind people’s backs.  But with shit like THIS on TV, people think only men are pigs and women talk.  But whatever.  Fuck all that.  Just watch this fool be dumb as fuck and the fights, I guess. If that’s your thing.

Why Love & Hip Hop though?  Joseline makes reggaeton, Karlie speaks in tongues and K Michelle is a singer.  Shit makes no sense.  Rasheeda is the only one that raps.  Then there’s Benzino & Master Splinter over there, but that’s about it.  There’s more drama and shit poppin’ off than Hip Hop.  I ain’t mad though.  That shit would be boring as fuck anyway.  I prefer watching the fuckery.

Adios amigos!  *sails away in boat making Stevie J face*

Olympic Gold

Oh man.  The Olympics.  This shit is golden.  There’s so much going on.  So much competition.  So much pride and honor…….So much to laugh at.

It’s hard to keep up, there’s so much going on.  Even for the country you’re rooting for.

Randumb:  “Rooting” means “fucking” in Australia

The only way to stay interested is to watch with a different mentality.  Other than the Brazilian Women’s Volleyball team looking fine, there’s only one other way to enjoy the Olympics.  Laugh.  Everything in life is better when you laugh.  Well, except diarrhea.  But you get what I mean.

Athletes falling, tripping, missing landings.  At times, it could be so intense that you don’t want to laugh at the participants crying after a mistake that cost them the gold.  But you just gotta pull out that inner asshole that everybody possesses knowingly or unknowingly and just crack up.  Come on, you can do it!  You know you’re asshole on the low.  Everybody knows it’s the way to go. (See Silent Savagery)

Now, I’m not a complete asshole.  For instance, I don’t laugh when a gymnast fails a landing and they appear to have injured something.  I give it up.  Well, the replay MIGHT get me sometimes.  But when I see them getting carted off, crying in pain but still smiling and waving, I feel for them and respect their bravery.  It sucks that all of their hard training went to shit, but they tried until they couldn’t anymore which is admirable.  EVERYTHING else makes my heart stop temporarily from rolling in the aisles though.  The way boats are rowed in those races makes me chuckle.  The struggle to score in Water Polo makes me grin.  The ass whoppings USA is giving the rest of the countries in basketball makes me pump my fist and let out an evil villain laugh.  I love it.

OH! What about when Japan bought Ukraine’s medal?

LMFAO!

Ok.  Fine.  They didn’t BUY it.  They appealed the judges’ decision and succeeded.  They were in fourth place.  Ukraine had the bronze, Britain had the silver.  Homeboy from Japan’s Men’s gymnastics team whipped out a few Benjis and the rest is history.  Now, Japan takes home silver, Britain bronze and Ukraine…well Ukraine got the fuck up out of there with nothing to show for their effort

and this face:

It wasn’t a funny situation for some.  But I found myself having to look for something to dry my face before my beard got wet while my 1-pack convulsed.  It was a challenge.  I couldn’t see with all the tears waiting in line for their turn to trickle down my cheek gracefully.  *sigh*  What a moment.

Olympic Comedy Gold.

Let’s all be semi-assholes collectively and enjoy these Summer Olympic games more by laughing.  Stop mean mugging the TV all the time, looking all concentrated.  Let it out.  Unless you have diarrhea.  You might want to let that pass first.

Signing out.  *floods Mentos factory with Coke*