#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

*sigh*

Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 11-20)

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Here I am.  I made it through the second batch of films despite the distractions.  This is usually the toughest part of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  It’s when my attention span is broken into little pieces, causing things like Fall TV show season premieres, NFL football and bae to finagle their way into my “free time” schedule.  I thought this would be a cake walk but my God, where does the time go?  It doesn’t help that I take 2 hours to watch a 90 minute movie.  My mind wanders and I find myself rewinding like a maniac.  Meanwhile, the DVR is about to burst and my iPod is dick & butt with podcasts that become irrelevant as the weeks blow by.  If you’re not sure what “dick & butt” means….. think about all the times you’ve been in the pit at a rock show or a crowded elevator.  How close your genitals came to brushing up against a pair of butt cheeks.  Yeah.  I just hope, fellas, there was always a lady behind and in front of you.

Anyhow, here are days 11-20 in short and sweet form to make it easy on the both of us.  Giddy up!

Day 11: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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“You have your mother’s eyes………and they were always too FUCKING CLOSE TOGETHER!” *stabs eyeball*

Seed of Chucky was hilarious but I wanted the old Chucky back.  The ferocious “Good Guy”.  The one who made jokes and puns right before and AFTER killing people, as opposed to joking around every chance he got.  And I got that with this movie.  Also, I can never get tired of seeing Chucky’s little feet walking to his next victim.  That little motherfucker is over-the-top with the killings too.

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Loved it, it was fun to watch and whaddya know?  This was a direct-to-video release, the first in the Chucky series, and it was better than the last one.  We live in a different time.  We can no longer treat these movies like they’re less important than theatrical releases especially when they’re this entertaining and have great surprises how Curse of Chucky had at the end.

Day 12: Candyman (1992)

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“Have you heard of Candyman?  I’ve heard of him, have you?”  “I’ve heard of some guy called the Candyman, have you heard of him?”  “Have you heard of…”

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Goddammit, was everything in the 90’s as dumb as these bitches asking the same question over and over?  Because that’s not how I remember it.  This movie is almost TOO 90’s.  Rusty sinks, empty lots, graffiti everywhere…  Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t bad….but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t bored the whole time.  Maybe the story is just old to me.  I can’t blame the movie because I’m the one who’s late.  I’ve been joking around about saying “Candyman” five times in front of my bathroom mirror, in the dark, since the 2nd grade.  I guess it would be scary as shit if I heard the black man’s voice after saying it five times.  His deep voice was hella dope though.  He could use it to serenade the hoes but instead, he murders the hoes.  Maybe his deep voice has something to do with having bees in his fucking mouth!

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Look at the look of struggle splattered on his face.  That’s what sacrifice looks like.  If i were to look up the word “struggle” right now, I’d probably….yup, found it.

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Only watch this for nostalgic purposes.  If you’ve never watched it, don’t.  Fuggedaboutit!

And now, here’s the series I alluded to in the last post. Here’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise!

Day 13: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

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Do I even need to talk about this one?  This is a certified clizznayee.  A CLASSIC!  Go on imdb.com and read the ‘Trivia’ section for this movie.  BRUH.

If The Exorcist didn’t exist, this would be the scariest movie of all-time.

Day 14: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

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So, the reason I chose to watch this franchise is because I had watched the original a bajillion times, and I watched the 2003 remake when it came out on Pay-Per-View.  One day, I was listening to a horror movie podcast when I heard that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 much more violent than the 1st one and possibly every other sequel.  I had to see it for myself so I figured why not just watch em all in a row?  Violent it was.  It also had humor in it which took away from the terror that is Leatherface.  Why the fuck was Dennis Hopper using a chainsaw more than Leatherface himself though?  Before I go any further, I’ll just say that it doesn’t get better than this one for this franchise when it comes to sequels.  It wasn’t great, but it’s far more entertaining than the rest of them.  The protagonist is pretty fucking attractive so it’s easy to watch.  Caroline Williams was a looker back in her day.

Day 15: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

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Kenan & Kel’s dad? Wtf are YOU doing here? … The only man to take the chainsaw revving skinner head-on.  The black man.  Respect.  But the respect ends there cuz this movie was a feces sandwich with cheese.  Leatherface looks corny.  It’s easy to read about movies and like them based on the directors explanation of the direction they took.  But I saw this dung salad with my own eyes and there’s no convincing me that it was worth anything when Leatherface wasn’t on my screen, which was too often for a movie titled, “Leatherface”.  In this case, it doesn’t even make sense.  I read that this was a reboot and a sequel at the same time.  HOW SWAY?!  Leatherface has a knee brace on in this movie implying that it’s a sequel since he accidentally sawed his leg in the 1st movie so that’s what the fuck it is to me.  Reboot? What the fuck is you talkin’ about, b?  Fuck outta here with that bullshit.  It’s a sequel and it’s terrible.

Day 16: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

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Shelved for 3 years, this one actually came out in ’97.  This movie has some similarities to the original so it’s already better than the last one.  This one, however, is more annoying.  Let me get the positive out the way before I go in.  Renée Zellweger shows these other bitches how it’s done in this movie.  When you see a motherfucker with a chainsaw coming at you, you do what my Zell-wigga Renée did.  RUN. LIKE. USAIN. BOLT.  This girl was hauling ass and she had a dress on.  If she tripped, which I can’t recall, she probably got right back up because she was OUT!  No “deer in the headlights” bullshit.  Get the fuck outta there immediately.  Good for her.

Now, the negatives.

“The Next Generation”.  Nobody gives a fuck about this new Sawyer family.  We want to see Leatherface killing.  He barely did anything here.  FUCK Matthew McConaughey and his whistling S’s.  Fuck him right to hell.  Taking up all the screen time, fuck is wrong with him?  Was there any dialogue in this bullshit?  I swear all I heard was annoying screams the whole time.  Oh, right.  There was dialogue.  I heard some heffer say “mucho quicko”.  “Mucho quicko”??? What in the blue hell is that?  Bitch?!  Don’t even think about spanish.  That’s unacceptable even to a fucking mute.  Mucho quicko.  You need mucho dicko in your mouth to keep shit like that from coming outta there, dumb bitch.  WHY?!  Who allowed this gah-bidge?  All they did was take from the 1st movie, dipped it in a tub of Bling Bling the bum’s sweet and sour looking excrement and sautéed it.

Day 17: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

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*Sigh*  What a breath of fresh air….  Holy shit!  This movie came out on October 17th!  What a dope coincidence that it landed 17th being that I just started the series spontaneously.  11 years exactly.  Wow.

I remember ordering this when it came out On Demand and loving it.  Still love this.  It’s savagely violent.  I almost couldn’t finish my food just by looking at the hitchhiker.  I remember this movie like it was yesterday but it still affects me.  It’s even better now because I developed a keen eye for little details by watching so many horror movies.  Subtle shit like the leak on the ceiling in the basement forming a puddle early in the movie and noticing that’s the reason there’s a flood by the time Jessica Biel gets thrown down there.  Before, I would have probably been like, “Why the fuck is the basement a pool?”

Speaking of Jessica Biel, watching this as an adult, I noticed she’s a stone cold bitch in this movie.  She bitches about the weed in the car, then she disrespects the weed, puts everybody in danger and gets an attitude with her boyfriend over it like it’s his fault.  …….and I STILL was thinking, “Well, helloooo there, snowflake.”  Her body is on fleek!

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Shout out to Marcus Nipsel and Michael Bay for trying their ALL to get her nipples rigid.  They succeeded briefly.  But props to Biel’s jugs for defying damn near every classic element.  She went from hiding in a meat freezer, to running through sprinklers, to running in heavy rain and her nipples didn’t even flinch.  Trust me, I checked.

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What else did I notice? …. A lot of Leatherface’s past is explained.  We get to see him sewing himself a new face and his bare face, all deformed from some skin disease.

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OH, this might be a reach but the fact that the group was on their way to a Skynyrd concert could be a play on words.  Leatherface?…..you see where I’m going here?  He’s a skinner.  Maybe it has nothing to do with that and they just really love Lynyrd Skynyrd. After all, they were blasting “Sweet Home Alabama” in the car.  I can go on forever about this movie.  It’s THAT good.

Day 18: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

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Who the fuck is Tommy? I thought his name was Jedidiah.  Anyway, Jordana Brewster is one fine bitch.  Why am I just now seeing this?  Good prequel to the 2003 remake.  One problem: When Chrissie hides in what appears to be a tub of blood at first, why is her face the only thing covered in blood?  The liquid is clear when it drops off of her and the knife.  Then when she gets out, she’s completely covered in blood. WHAT WAS THIS?!  I’ll tell you what it was.  The most obvious continuity error of all time.  The beginning of this movie could’ve passed as the music video for 2Pac’s “Brenda’s Got A Baby”.  “She wrapped the baby up and threw him in a traaash heap.”  Turns out, Leatherface was a dumpster baby.

Day 19: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

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This one starts where the original movie ended which was dope.  Leatherface’s name is Jed and not Tommy.  I was glad about that.  Trey Songz dies…..HALLELUJAH!  The man can’t act, I’m sorry.  ….. Oh look, a dead armadillo.  Oh, the weird chick from LOST! She’s uh…  veryyy…..very THOTful, if you will.  This, I didn’t get.  Why is the camera always pointed at her ass?  We get it, she has a nice ass.  But why?  Especially if you’re gonna show her ass in a thong later on in the movie, why would you keep focusing on her bu..oooh I see.  Of course.  Whore-shadowing.

Anyway, the scene where Leatherface sews his new face on has never been so graphic.  So that’s cool.  What’s not cool is the way the movie tried to make us feel for Leatherface a little.  Am I supposed to feel sympathy for this guy?  I don’t give a damn if you’re my mother, if you murder innocent people, I don’t bangs wit chu, bruh.  “Ladies makeup?  What a fruitcake!”

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this movie and watching this whole collection.

40 years of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  SWAG!

Day 20: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

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Oh, we got another anniversary here!  30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Had to end the 2nd trimester of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with a goddamn classic!  This movie pushed cinema boundaries.  Changed the fucking game.  The special effects still hold up til this day.  80’s movies have the best special effects because none of it was digital.  No CGI.  Everything was crafted brilliantly for the movies.  Blood & makeup, remote control robots, all the details in the background, all that shit.  By hand.

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A Nightmare On Elm Street was unique.  Some of the scenes in this movie still impress me.  They just don’t make them like this anymore.  There will never be another Freddy Krueger to me.  Robert Englund is so good, and he has this distinct face that played as much a part as the fedora, the striped sweater and the metal-clawed brown leather glove in making this character iconic.  It just worked.  Perfectly.

20 movies down.  11 to go.

Game face: ON.

See you fuckers in 11 days.  *hangs up blood-filled piñata and picks up chainsaw while blindfolded*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

This has become one of my favorite months/holiday traditions.  Whether or not Halloween is considered a real holiday, I treat it like one.  It deserves just as much attention as the other holidays despite its lack of importance in history and origin or whatever the fuck.  So for the 2nd year in a row, I’m watching a horror movie every day for the month of October.  I mean, look….this is no different than putting up Christmas decorations before taking a massive Thanksgiving dinner shit, alright?  If you think it’s stupid, fine.  This is my shit.  So, I’ll go do me, & you go do you.  And by ”do you”, of course I mean go fuck yourself.

Let’s just get right into it.

 

Day 1: Suspiria (1977)

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The tagline for this movie is what drew me in.  A creepy dude with a deep voice in the theatrical trailer states; ”the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92”.   So I thought, “I gotta see this for myself.”  The 1st 5 minutes were pretty good, but that’s about it.

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I shit you not, the word ”terrifying” in the tagline should have been replaced with the word ”shitty”.  I’m sure it worked in the 70’s, it does have some creepy ass music that still holds up. But my God, the build up was dreadful.  To me.  I hated it but I won’t dismiss the ending completely because maybe furniture magically attacking people was frightening 36 years ago.  But no.  Fuck this movie.  NEXT!

 

Day 2: The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

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In watching Suspiria, I remembered a brief debate in the movie Juno about which horror movie was the best of all time between Suspiria (Juno was buggin’), and this other film, The Wizard Of Gore.  So I dug it up (it was on YouTube) & I watched it.  First of all, Juno was wrong.  Suspiria was not better than this.  Cinematically? Sure.  But this, also shitty movie, had disgusting corn syrup everywhere. Win!  Oh no wait…

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FAIL.  Continuity sucked, dialogue was boring as shit, & the story itself was trash dookie.  But there was this eerie feel to it & psychological trickery that’s hard to forget, unfortunately.

Verdict: The debate on Juno was worthless & stupid.

 

Day 3: Carrie (1976)

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Great movie.  Good character build.  John Travolta’s debut.  Based on the novel by Stephen King, Directed by Brian De Palma.  And to top it off, an outstanding performance by Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie White.

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I’m not about to ruin my experience of watching this movie by watching any sequels.  I only look forward to the remake.  I mean, it’s Chloë Grace Moretz! Like, come on.  Let me put it this way… if by any chance she gets kidnapped at New York Comic Con, it was probably me.  (Not serious.  (You’re goddamn right I’d do it) Nah, yea.  Nah) Like I was saying.  She’s not just smart & cute, she respects and understands there’s different methods to acting at such a young age and she loves the original.  Which can only mean she will perform to the best of her ability.  I want to hear her say ‘mama’ after every sentence, too.

But yea, I fucks with the original.

 

Day 4: The Thing (2011)

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Dope remake.  Cool special effects.

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The creatures make me want to play Dead Space for Xbox. But of course, there’s nothing like 80’s movies.  The original is cooler, to me.  Nevertheless, this movie’s good.  I recommend it.

 

Days 5-8: The Evil Dead Franchise: The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), Army Of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (2013)

EVIL DEAD FRANCHISE

The Evil Dead? …… FIRE!

The Evil Dead, 1981

Evil Dead II? …… Pretty Good.

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Army Of Darkness ……. Not even a horror. Shit was LIGHT! It’s a comedy dark-fantasy. It would be OK if it was a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Not my favorite.

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Evil Dead remake? ……. Pretty fucking sick.  I would put it 3rd, if not, tied with the second movie.  (Jane Levy got some sexy, thick, full legs.)

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Day 9: The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

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Watched the first one last year and when the sequel was announced, I told myself, in South Park voice, “You gotta go see this movie, dude.” ……. I didn’t.  I waited til it came to me.  So I finally watched it and…..it was straight ass juice.  Butt nectar.  Rear beer.  I was disappointed.  If you go back and read my opinion on the 1st one (#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20), I obviously thought it was a good one.  So to see this sphincter milk of a movie was such a letdown.  I do, however, think that this is not the end all, be all of this series or main character.

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History shows that the biggest horror movie characters, such as Freddy,  Jason, Michael Myers, Leatherface etc., became what they are because of the fans, not the quality of movies.  Let’s face it ….. them Friday The 13th movies are garbage to the core.  With the exception of 3 or 4 slighlty above MEDIOCRE ones, that whole franchise is TERRIBLE.  The name, Jason Voorhees, is HUGE though.  The same goes for the others.  (Especially Pinhead, my God! The 1st Hellraiser is a classic.  The rest? Disposable as fuck.)

the-exorcistMy point here is … the horror movie culture doesn’t have a solid female villain character, or has had one since Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist.  The Last Exorcism Part II was based around this character, Nell Sweetzer, which wasn’t the case for the 1st one.  Why else would they keep referencing her Doc Marten boots?  It’s probably her signature style.  Every major horror movie villain has one.

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I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt because this could have been a film just to build on this character and explain why she’s “the devil”, if you will.  Maybe in the next one, she won’t waste any time and just start fucking shit up from the jump, which is what we begin to see in the end of this one.  I won’t give up on Sweetzer, but this movie was confusing.  The bad kind.  The one where it was unnecessary an not beneficial to the story at all.

 

Day 10: Pumpkinhead (1989)

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I was expecting this:

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But Pumpkinhead was this:

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Whatever.  Honestly, I chose this movie today cuz I wanted to go to sleep early & it was the shortest one on my list.  It served its purpose.  Watched it on the computer and everything was dark as Sam Jack in Django.  Didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  So, yeah.  If you’re a fan of this so called Pumpkinhead, I’m sorry but…. I didn’t have to pay attention to know that this is as special as a skid mark in a homeless dude’s tighty whiteys.

There you have it.  Days 1-10.

Comic Con all weekend.  So many thots in Chun Li & Catwoman costumes, I can’t wait.  Days 11-20 are still coming though.

Th- th- the- thih- th- THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!  *chases pig with a chainsaw*