#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 1-10)

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Thank you, baby Satan!  Eleven whole months have passed since the last edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth and not 1 image of gore has been transmitted through my optic nerve, bruh.  The same can’t be said for some of you who recently watched those beheading videos online, you sick motherfuckers.  News flash: Those videos BEEN online for quite some time now.  For some reason, they were noticed by a broader audience this year.  But enough of that sick, twisted shit.  We’re here for visually stunning, fictitious flicks with the actors and the…camera angles and the……. the FAKE shit, OK?!  The scripted ones.  Real people actually being killed is terrible.  I hate it.

So last year, I mentioned something about the movie Gravity, although not falling into the genre of horror, having a horrific theme.  I also said I might save it for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth list of movies to watch if I didn’t give in on opening weekend and caught it on the silver screen.  Well, call me Mr. Patience.  I put it off long enough and that’s why I’m starting this year’s edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with Gravity.  So here we go.  Days 1-10.

Day 1: Gravity (2013)

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Sandra!  NOOOOOOOOO!  I mean, wait…..what’s her name in the movie again?  I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re drifting aimlessly in space, now does it?  I noticed my breathing changed while I watched this movie.  All my zero gravity fantasies were discarded with a determined long range Michael Jordan fade away.  With the tongue out.  No way in hell do I want to feel like a yo-yo that never retracts.  That’s what Sandra Bullock was for a good 15 minutes.  No control of her direction whatsoever.  On George Clooney’s string, much like the women in his life were before he chose the one to settle down with.  (It’s a miracle.)

Remember when you were a kid and your big cousin would pick you up and swing you until you begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t, unless you were on the brink of genuine, pussified tears? THAT’S WHAT THIS WAS! But WORSE.  And then to top it off, a cameo from everybody’s least favorite Looney Tunes character, Marvin the Martian.

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How fitting.  I enjoyed the shit out of this movie.  The film score did it for me.  Many feels.

Day 2: Carrie (2013)

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Well, well, well.  If it isn’t one of the best horror remakes I’ve ever seen.  All the elements are there.  Nobody can say this is a watered down version of the story or it wasn’t as captivating as the original.  The buildup, the payoff, the characters. All there.  Of course there’s minor differences.  E.g., instead of traditional volleyball, they played in a pool.  Then, of course, the modernization of the setting.  Internet instead of books, a Tim Tebow reference, and “Young Blood” by The Naked and Famous playing at the prom.  Naturally, the violent scenes are little better, visually, because technology allows that now.  Still, they kept from using too much CGI.  No John Travolta.  But his replacement is just as douchey.  No Sissy Spacek, but my God, if Chloë Grace Moretz didn’t do a hell of a job making the viewer believe she was odd and not as attractive as the other girls… I mean, I have to admit…I was a little skeptical about how believable she would be, coming into this.  The character is supposed to be an ugly duckling and Chloë is far from that.

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But somehow, she made it happen.  She made you feel for her when she was getting picked on and I was just as happy for her as I was for Sissy’s Carrie when Billy was being nice to her.  Oh yeah, can’t forget about Julianne Moore’s performance. Wow. What a fucking psycho.

Remakes that are actually good are hard to come by.  Finding any that are AS good as the original is even more unlikely, making this film a pleasant rarity.

Day 3: You’re Next (2013)

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Thirty minutes in, I was ready to say this is the dumbest movie ever.  Then it became enjoyable. By enjoyable, I mean violent & unfortunate for the characters.  “Crawling on broken glass” unfortunate.  Just when it was on it’s way to being a pretty good movie, some corny, over-the-top shit happens like some whore trying to convince her man to fuck her next to his dead mother and it’s right back to being the worst.  Soon after, a blender is neatly used as a weapon and just like that, it’s good again.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s more than decent for a movie with a million dollar budget.  I’d say it’s a good slasher.  Everybody knows slashers are not always the best movies.  As long as people die every 5 minutes, it’s worth it.  The masks in this one though, is what put the movie on the map.  The Wyatt Family in the WWE stole the sheep mask look because it works so well at creeping people out and made it arguably more menacing which only brought more attention to the movie.

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That’s the only reason I wanted to watch You’re Next.  To see that creepy ass mask some more.  Seriously considering buying one.

Day 4: Freaks (1932)

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After 3 consecutive 2013 releases, I felt the need to just watch something that wasn’t modern.  I kind of overdid it and went back 82 years.  Freaks is a movie that I knew about for like 10 years but I never had the balls to watch it.  As a matter of fact, I found out about this film while watching Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments which aired in 2004.  I was right on the money. 10 years ago.  Coming in at #15 on the countdown, the clips were so fucking creepy to me despite being desensitized from watching clips from the previous 84 entries to the countdown.  A woman being chased by a legless man and a completely limbless man on his stomach, wobbling left and right with a knife in his mouth was the image that stuck in my head since I was 13 years old.

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All types of real-life deformed people in one movie was something I just could not bring myself to watch for 10 whole years. Until now.  Apparently, the original cut was too shocking and doesn’t even exist anymore as it was edited from it’s initial 90 minute runtime to the 64 minute version that’s out there.  Shit is short as hell.  I already saw the scariest parts by forcing myself to watch a clip here and there through the years so I basically just watched a midget leave his midget bae for a full-size bitch who only wanted to marry him for his money.  Black man lights cigarette with his mouth, “One of us! One of us! We accept her, we accept her! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us!”, roll credits.  That’s it.  Great for it’s time.  Creepy chant is the most memorable part in this whole shit and the “freaks” leave a lasting image in your psyche.  A must watch for those who want to say they’ve seen the movie that defined the subgenre “cult film”.

 

Day 5: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

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Oh, look.  I’m unintentionally back in 2013 again.

I hate way more about this movie than I care to like.  I’m giving this movie the same rating I gave the 1st one.  TD.  Trash Dookie.  It’s not fair at all that I realized it was rated PG-13 after I watched it.  But come on, y’all really liked this shit?  It was pretty scary for PG-13 but the majority of it is just jump scares.  I’m not even exaggerating, every time there was a jump scare, it was laughable.  Hands slamming down on piano keys was all they used to create suspense. There were maybe 2 good ones but I still laughed after them and it’s because there was no reason for me to be startled by a jump scare.  I didn’t flinch but if anyone did, it’s because the sound was loud and that’s just a reflex.  It has nothing to do with the possibility of something scary jumping out at you or the story being really creepy because there was none of that until like halfway through the 3rd quarter of this movie.

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I showed more emotion at the terrible shopping decisions this family made, especially when it came to house decorations and appliances.  I was like, “That wallpaper is God-awful.  And why the fuck do they have a TV with a knob on it?  What year is this?”  Other times, I was like, “So y’all just gon’ cover YOUR ears when the burglar alarm goes off and leave the baby’s ears unprotected, you selfish assholes?  Oh, that’s right.  Y’all suck at protecting.  Should’ve protected your genitals because you clearly are unfit parents.”  Movie is such a fucking drag.  You should see how the writers attempted to include comic relief.  Really, that shit couldn’t have been in the script.  It must’ve been ad-libbed on a day where the director just wanted to go the fuck home already.  PG-13 horror movies be so trash, bruh.

Day 6: Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

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I ain’t mad at this one.  I ain’t mad at any of the Paranormal Activity movies.  Truth is, they keep it fresh with the surveillance camera footage.  I made the mistake of watching this on a TV.  This is the one movie that should be watched on a laptop with some good headphones because then it feels like the actual found footage.  This time, laptop webcams were turned on on all the laptops in the house to keep tabs on the creepy boy from across the street who was sleeping over for like a week and a half for a reason I’m not sure about.  (My copy of the movie had really low audio.  Or maybe it was the loud ass fan on my Xbox making it impossible for me to hear indoor voice dialogue.)  SPEAKING OF XBOX!  A Kinect is used in the most dope way for this movie.  The special effects just keep getting better and better in this series.  The whole thing was like one big Kinect ad and I loved every minute of it.

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“Fucking Prius!”  LMAO!  The main character, Alex, yells this at someone who almost runs her over with a Toyota Prius.  I don’t understand the global hate for this vehicle but it sure is funny.  There’s a brief much-needed reminder of how the last one ended in the beginning, thank God.  The endings might not be as shocking anymore since we have an idea of what to expect but they’re still effective.  I heard the next one is not a sequel, but a spin-off.  So maybe it won’t be as predictable.  Should be fun.  Might watch that next, idk yet. ……

Day 7: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

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Psych, I’m just fucking with you.  Of course this was next. You kidding me?  I love these movies!  (Also, I have slight OCD so I couldn’t have watched anything else even if I tried.)  Holy shit, this was good!  I even forgot to take notes.  Well, not entirely.  I could revert to my tweets.

But seriously though, this is the best one out of the bunch.  This one makes the whole franchise worth it for me.  It’s the funniest, it’s the scariest, and….just fucking watch it.  That’s it.  I’m not saying anymore on it.  The next installment is called Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and it was supposed to be out in theaters on the 25th of this month.  It was pushed back to March 13, 2015 and now I’m pissed.  (Oh yeah. Movies come out on Fridays so it’s on Friday the 13th.)  I might not even wait for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth and just go on opening day, fuck it.

Day 8: Mama (2013)

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Remember when I said PG-13 horror movies be trash? … Scratch that.  FAITH RESTORED!  THIS motherfucker right here is frightening!  The story, the acting, the score, it’s all GOOD.  The girls humming was spine-tingling, sound effects on fleek, special effects eerie as fuck.  Jessica Chastain looked pretty good with black hair.  Loved it.  I don’t even like horror fantasy like that.  I feel like most of them are not creepy enough.  I noticed that the horror aspect turned into more of a drama-fantasy at the end of Mama.  It was fitting, though, and there was closure to the story.  The entire movie was sinister so I didn’t need an over-the-top gory ending.  PG-13 rated horror movies are back in my radar.

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Day 9: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

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Feels like American Pie at first.  Then Jesse Williams aka my nigga Jackson from Grey’s Anatomy shows up.  Then a pot head pulls up in a hoopty playing Asher Roth’s “Blunt Cruisin'”.  In those first 5 minutes, I was sold.  But I didn’t think it was gonna get any better.  After all, I WAS watching a horror movie on Netflix.  BRUH. …. When I say this is one of the best horror movies I’ve seen, I’m not just talking about this year.  Or since I started #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  EVER, bro.  E-VERRRR!  Shit was creative as fuck, goddamn!  I haven’t had this much fun watching a cabin movie since the original Evil Dead.  (I’m making it sound like I saw it when it came out.  I saw that shit for the 1st time last year.)  Seriously, it was fun, it was funny, it was scary, there was blood, there was gore, there were twists, there were surprises, there were tits, there was action, …I can’t even keep going like I want to because I don’t want to spoil it.  GO WATCH THIS MOVIE!  NOW!!! It’s my new fav.

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Day 10: Alien Abduction (2014)

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Begins so serious.  Next thing I know, there’s a family on the road and Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick” is playing on the radio.

So there was really a family bumpin’ this on the way to their demise in real life I guess because apparently, this is “actual footage” retrieved from an 11 year old autistic boy’s camera.  Priceless.  This one was limited in theaters and released on VOD and yo….I’m gonna stop shunning straight-to-video movies because this was actually worth my time.  It’s barely 90 minutes long and the proverbial fecal matter hit the gyrating, bladed appliance for sure.

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It has post-credits goods and the whole Project Blue Book thing had me googling shit after the movie was over and it added a sense of reality to it.  I always go too far with the government cover-ups/military studies research after watching alien movies and I need to stop.

Bada bing, bada boom. Days 1-10: Over.

Next 10 days might include an entire franchise.  Come back on the 20th to find out which legendary horror villain I’m going with.

Peace gawd, I’m gone.  *opens airborne airplane emergency exit whilst wearing a cape*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 21-31

 

Hurricane Sandy was a tragic bitch.  That heaux not only ruined lives, but she TOOK lives.  I can’t even begin to imagine how devastating it must feel to no longer have a home to go back to.  It’s sad and I’m extremely sympathetic towards the people who lost family, lost homes by water, lost homes by fire & the people who are sitting at home right now with no light or heat as the days get colder.  I truly am.  In addition to that, I heard Halloween has been postponed and rescheduled for Monday, November 5th.  There goes the spirit of Halloween.  I toyed around with the idea of extending #ScaryMovieADayMonth and ending it on the NEW Halloween date.  But I decided that if I DO watch horror movies between today & the 5th, it won’t be counted on the list.  So today is officially the last day of #SMADM.   Some of the best AND some of the worst movies on the entire month list are in this bunch right here.  Let’s get it crackin’!  Here are days 21-31:

 

Day 21:  The Shrine (2010)

 

This movie was pure gar-baj for way too long.  Although, once the suspense and horror started picking up, it was pretty decent.  Especially for a private independent company funded Canadian movie or whatever the fuck this was.  I guess I would deem this movie “ok”.  Still don’t recommend anything but a few main scenes which can most likely be viewed on the glorious site that is Youtube.  So go right ahead and check those out.  Just make sure you scroll right on by this shit when you see it pop up on your Netflix Instant screen.  Unless you wanna see shit like this in HD:

Day 22:  Osombie: The Axis Of Evil (2012)

 

This one HERE tho……… oh. my. Gawd.  Thee worst movie I have EVER ……. EVER seen!  This one was my fault completely.  I saw how wack it looked, I imagined how wack it could be, & I KNEW this piece of skunk shit had no Wikipedia page.  No Wikipedia page should have closed the deal.  I should have taken the idea of watching it & soccer kick that shit into the Hudson River.  But I went right ahead and pressed play anyway.  This shit here exceeded any expectation of wackness I could have ever imagined.  Boy, do I feel like the dumbest motherfucker on earth?  It’s like touching the pot after momma said it was hot.  Check this out though… After I watched this, I read a review that said this movie sucked.  But it also suggested that it’s good “turn-off-the-brain” fun.  FUCK. OUTTA. HERE.  Fam, the deaths looked infinitely fake, the jokes were not funny enough for an 8 year old, & to top the feces sundae with waxed dingleberries, O-fucking-sombie wasn’t even seen until the end!  After the intro, he disappeared for what felt like the entire movie!  Why else would anybody watch this trash?!  Nobody gives a rancid necrophilic fuck about these characters and their faggot ass relationships.  GOD!

 

 

Day 23:  Quarantine (2008)

 

Why did I put this movie off for so many years?  I don’t remember the trailer much but I never forgot about this picture.  And I never will.  Maybe it’s because this movie is one of the best modern horror films I have seen to date.  Definitely top 5 horror movies of the 21st century.  I don’t care if certain things don’t make sense or how many times the characters contradict themselves.  The truth is….shit happens.  And when it does, nobody is thinking about shit but “get me the fuck out of here” and “i don’t wanna die”.  It’s pretty simple.  And I simply watch horror movies to see and feel horror.  Quarantine embodied that.  Not necessarily just in a gory sense but every sense.  Suspense, vulnerability, death, limitations, desparation, confusion, mutation … I can’t remember what else.  But I do remember this shit was fire.  I would and WILL watch this one again.

 

Day 24:  Friday The 13th: Killer Cut Extended Edition (2009)

One thing about remakes:  Typical.  Some movies take different routes with familiar elements, some just cast current babyface stars and repeat the same thing.  Which is cool, I guess.  I only had one problem with this one.  I’m fully aware that I watched the extended version, but I researched the differences from the theatrical version and the scenes were just longer for no significant reason.  Some scenes just were changed in sequence.  The beginning was made in typical slasher movie fashion.  Drunk friends sitting around making piss drinking jokes, using the word “fish” as another term for pussy and of course, the fakest boobs Michael Bay & the casting crew can find.  Which is expected anyway.  Sex scenes are expected as well.  But this shit was entirely too long.  Again, I know I watched the long version but the regular one was long as fuck too.  Mad unnecessary.  The shit was basically softcore porn.  Ironically, “Brooklyn We Go Hard” was playing in the background while they got down & dirty.  I guess they DID go kinda hard for that Cinemax type sex scene.  Hard, softcore coitus, b.  Coitus = ass ramming.  For you simpletons.  All in all, good traditional fun with Jason Voorhees.

 

 

Day 25:  Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

 

 

I was young when the 1st one came out.  And I nearly shit my pants when I saw it.  So i’m not sure if this one wasn’t as scary to me because i’m older or because this one wasn’t filmed as a Handycam POV.  Not comparing it to the original, it was good.  All the confusion caused by ghosts possessing bodies is pretty cool and interesting enough to keep you from checking how much time is left in the movie every 15 minutes.  I just kind of wish I saw this when it came out.  I would probably like it more and fear shit like this.  I still remember wanting to see it but being too scared to every time I saw the billboard poster over the KFC that once existed around my way.  RIP beloved automatic door system equipped KFC.  (Homeless dudes ALWAYS opened the door for people.)  But yea, movie was iight.

 

Day 26:  Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Excerpt from a “Halloween: H2O” review

It’s not the greatest horror film there has ever been but there’s a lot of fun to be had in its 86 minute runtime and I can definitely think of worse ways to spend a gloomy, autumnal evening; watching Halloween: Resurrection for example.

Why couldn’t I have read this BEFORE I watched Resurrection?  Day 26 wasted on a movie that’s straight buns. Trash dookie.  Feces sandwich.  Day 26 hasn’t gone to waste like this since Diddy dropped all the Making The Band artists.  Why did I think watching a scary movie with Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks in it was a good idea?  Not even a comedy.  I could watch the entire Halloween series and skip over this one with no problem at all, and I have OCD.  That’s enough validation to grab this movie & pull up a 3-point range Kobe Bryant fade-away jumper in the triddash if you ask me.

Day 27:  The Omen (1976)

Classic.  Despite having less technological advances, 70’s & 80’s horror movies are just BETTER!  It’s like they had less to work with so they focused more on creepy mannerisms, vibes, & music.  And less on all the craziness.  A simple suicide by noose is enough.  I loved this movie.  Nothing special, but that’s what makes it special.  To me. It’s just pure DIABLO.  The music made for this movie is still haunt people today.  Fucking creepy ass music, gawd.  Matter fact, do me a favor.  Just press play and read the rest of this blog with this shit playing in the background.  Here you go:

 

“Sanguis Bibimus!  Corpus Edimus!”  I’m not gonna translate that satanic shit for y’all.  Google it if you’d like.  The funny shit is, the scariest part isn’t even in the song.  In the movie, they just have a woman chanting those 4 words between scenes & shit. LMAO!  This movie and The Exorcist back-to-back in one night?  Forget about it.  Need diapers on deck, g.  I’m telling y’all.  Little kids and old people are the evilest.

 

 

Day 28:  The Stuff (1985)

 

This shit was retarded.  The little kid is a hater and there’s just ice cream oozing all over the floors and walls.  I laughed.  But I liked it.  It was very 80’s.  It was weird as fuck when the mutations started.  Too weird.  I like weird.

Day 29:  The Thing (1982)

 

Once again, 80’s.  But this one was a little more advanced somehow.  Or is it that John Carpenter is the man? … Yea, that.  It might just have been his ability to make it look advance.  I have no clue how they did it but this movie had cooler special effects than a lot of movies today.  That’s why this one is critically acclaimed.  One of the best horror films of all time.  I realized that when I suddenly felt the urge to youtube scenes from the 1951 original, watch the remake that came out recently & call my dad to ask him if he still has the video game.  I would always see it on the dresser and ignore it.  I was oblivious to the awesomeness while he kept all the fun to himself.  LOL!

 

 

Day 30:  Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

 

 

I wasn’t planning on watching any of the sequels until I was told “No, dude….they’re all good.”  And even though IMDB said otherwise, I went for it.  I agreed.  Well, I haven’t seen the 3rd yet.  But i’m sure i’ll enjoy it.  Why? …. That’s right, kids!  Because it’s 80’s!  You just can’t beat the 80’s, bro.  It’s not like these sequels are all title.  They’re actual sequels.  Same cast (for the most part), progressive storyline, and connections.  I love shit like this.  Once again, the creepiest element in scary movies is used in this one.  Old people.  The “Beast” is scary as fuck.  He looks 100.  But at the time, he was only like 59 or 60.  He died soon after the movie of stomach cancer.  That might explain why he already looked dead.  After the movie, I did my routine fact dig-up research as I do with every movie and found out he was born in Washington Heights.  Now i’m haunted f or life thinking “What if his spirit still wanders around?  What if he lived in my apartment?”   This is the scariest old man i’ve ever seen & the motherfucker was born here.  But that’s what I wanted out of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  To be petrified.

 

 

Day 31: The Fog (1980)

 

 

” Just one more.  One more movie before 12.”  … Didn’t like it.  I’m gonna cut it some slack because it came out in 1980 which means it was filmed in the 70’s.  When I see a movie was released in the 80’s I have all these expectations.  But I have to consider how good this movie looked for a 70’s movie.  And that the idea of a fog traveling against the wind filled with vengeful ghosts was probably WAY scarier at the time of its release.  I can’t say this movie is good because Carpenter made it between Halloween & The Thing, 2 masterpieces.  So yea.  I’ll say it was ok.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Family Portrait Revisited (1988)

A documentary on the 1974 original.  Interesting stuff.

-Nightmares In Red, White & Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (2009)

The title says it all.  And that it was.  Great documentary.

 

I did it!  I watched a scary movie every single day without fail in the month of October to keep the spirit of Halloween floating way longer than it usually floats.  It should be like this every year.  Which is why i’m planning on doing this again next year.  Maybe I’ll watch all Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees next time.  Or split the month in categories.  I don’t know yet.  I do know that I’ll premeditate the next.   Welp, I won’t lose the spirit until November 5th so i’ll be watching scary shit until then.  They just won’t be listed.

 

As long as when I watch them, I don’t look like this:

 

But like this:

 

 

 

C’mon guys!  Let’s piss & shit our underwear with fear!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  *crushes & lines up candy corn on glass table*