#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s fucking over.  What’s that? Like 100+ movies since 2012?  Bruh.  Somehow, this is the first time I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to push through the last week.  Must’ve been the convenience of starting with all Netflix picks.  Or maybe it was cuz I watched almost all of these at midnight so i had a whole day ahead of me to plan.  Maybe I’m just getting used to it.  Fuck it, I’m just old.  Months fly by quicker the older you get.  Yeah, that’s it.

Day 21: Crimson Peak (2015)

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Let me paint the picture for y’all. It’s 10 AM on a Wednesday.  Reserved seat dead center of an IMAX theater.  7 people scattered, 600 seats in total.  2 exits in the back and the only person sitting behind me is a man is business attire a few rows back.  A 2 hour movie about ghosts didn’t scare me as much as my mind did in those first 15 minutes of me sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start.  For 15 minutes, all I could think about is WHAT IF  someone just stands up and starts shooting.  But even if my girlfriend didn’t successfully put that fear in my hand for a short period of time, this movie still couldn’t scare me.  This movie couldn’t scare a kid.  It was not at all what I expected it to be in terms of being a horror movie.

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However, it was dare I say an excellent drama.  Mia Wasikowska as Edith Cushing reminded me of a young Claire Danes for whatever reason.  Her soft face contrasted with Jessica Chastain’s strong features.  That girl’s got a broad chin……CRIMSON CHIN! Ba-dum-ch!

I noticed a few audio/visual synchronicity issues early in the movie but nothing too serious.  Good story, lots of drama, great movie.  I think I might want this on Blu-ray because visually, this mothafucka was beautiful.  Some scenes looked Titanic adjace. (Early 1900’s)  Guillermo Del Toro did his goddamn thing.

Day 22: Ouija (2014)

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“Producer of Insidious” … THAT part is apparent.  I didn’t li-…… It just wasn’t go-…. It was whatever.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Y’all know how PG-13 horrors go.  Potential but no pay off.  Not only that, the acting.  Olivia Cooke is a beautiful girl but she has the same face on the entire movie.  She looked the same when she was shocked, sad, scared, worried, curious, doing her googles. Just all the time.  She’s young, she’ll get it right in the future.

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I don’t think I’ve seen many bathroom sinks to the head in horror movies but it happened in Crimson Peak and saw it again in this movie.  Back to back bathroom sink kills.  I could see how this movie can work on a kid who’s never heard of a Ouija board before.  I can at least say this movie came out at a proper time since all kids know about nowadays are iPads. But yeah……*raspberry*

Day 23: Frozen (2010)

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Same here, Harry Knowles.  I loved this damn movie.  It was a very stationary, simple movie but it wasn’t boring at all.  It’s about a terrifying situation that lots of people fear, but doesn’t happen because ski resorts are inspected to prevent it, but is still scary as fuck.  Being left and forgotten on a chairlift high off the ground.  This film sucks you in emotionally with the score and the acting, specifically Emma Bell’s and Shawn Ashmore’s performances. *COUGH*Animorphs*COUGH*

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That’s bae.  Has been ever since she portrayed Amy on The Walking Dead. … which came out after this movie.  So basically she was bae before I knew she was bae cuz she’s a babe in this movie.  I don’t know if she still is now but I’m pretty sure she could still be bae.  Anybae way, I noticed almost, if not everybody has blue eyes in this movie.  Purposely? I don’t know.  IMDB could help me out with….OH MY GOD.  The trivia on this movie blew me away.  To avoid spoiling events in the movie, I’ll just isolate one for y’all.

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That. Is. Crazy.  Rest of the Q&A HAD to be awkward.  The rest of the shit I read on IMDB just makes this movie officially one of my favorites.

Day 24: The Vatican Tapes (2015)

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If I were the devil, I’d possess this fine ass bitch too LAWD!

But I want to know……why women? Why are only women possessed in these movies? Why won’t the devil possess men? Would getting inside a man make the devil gay? Is he homophobic? I wonder…
At least this exorcism was kind of different. The whole thing was ‘meh’ until the very end. The movie closes with so much possibilities. Is this it? Could Angela Holmes be that iconic recurring female character in horror that I’ve been talking about?

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I hope so.  The final shots of the movie were promising.  I sure hope that if there were any sequels in the future, that they actually make more sense. Some scenes were choppy and some were just ridiculous.  Like how the fuck can the devil shape shift into a clone of the person they possessed?  Why were there two Angelas? What the fuck.  Why the fuck does Michael Peña play a priest?  Why is an older man calling him “father”?  NO.  Next!

Day 25: Cooties (2014)

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I cried.  It starts with some light comedy and then shit hits the fan, hilarity ensues and I cried laughing.  The first 30 minutes were just back-to-back jokes, fast-paced comedy and blood everywhere.  It’s very colorful and as the movie progresses, it gets darker and scarier.  It goes from being a horror comedy to a comedy horror but it keeps it’s schtick and that’s why this was a fun watch.  I recommend this shit to anybody.  Especially fans of TV comedies.  Look at this cast.

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SQUAD!  At one point, Rainn Wilson starts dropping one-liners out his ass.  What more can you ask for?

Day 26: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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Wait……Margot Kidder was hot???  Really?  I watched the whole Superman movie series and not once did I think, “Damn.  Lois Lane is one fine bitch!”  But I did while watching this.  Like, come on.  She had ribbons in her pigtails.  Anyway, this shit was hilarious.  There’s a nun playing blacktop basketball.  I was dying.

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I just love the shitty editing of the 70’s.  And now I know where that Scary Movie 2 scene came from with the priest and the flies….he really looks like he was taking a shit.  Good shit, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Day 27: Unfriended (2014)

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Don’t know if this movie was actually good, but I was fucking glued.  The entire thing from beginning to end is a video screen capture of a girl’s computer.  I watched it on my laptop as everyone should for that authentic feel.  Preferably on an Apple computer but if you don’t have one, just pretend that your laptop is, like I did.  After the movie was over, I felt weird Googling stuff.  I felt like I was a character in the movie and I was being haunted.

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This shit was pretty cool.  It’s so original and creative.  Kudos to the producers for effectively executing such a unique film.  Lots of “Oh shit!” moments on here.  The acting starts to get ridiculous and cheesy half way through and unfortunately, the viewer can be temporarily reminded that it’s just a movie but it doesn’t really matter once you’re interested.  The ending was flawed but only from a technical standpoint.  I’ll take it though.  Technology, man.  It’s changing the landscape of cinema.  This one’s for the ‘Skypers’.

Day 28: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

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I did a terrible job at picking movies this year.  I want to be scared, not bombarded with action sequences.  I don’t fuck with action movies all that much.  There’s only so much you can do with them.  However, I ain’t mad at this one cuz it was fucking awesome.  If it’s action, there gotta be some serious ass-kicking or else I’m not interested.  This bitch right here? Badass.

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There was some horror in there somewhere, I guess.  Barely.  Originally an anime film but I was not about to watch that shit too.  Not now anyway.  Some of the special effects are god-awful.  Super trash.  All is forgiven once Saya starts slinging that katana though.

Day 29: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

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Maaaaan, there’s nothing like 70’s and 80’s horror movies.  If they’re not fantastic, they’re so terrible that they’re good.  If they’re neither, they’re weird enough to stay with you for a long ass time and the images of the movie replay in your mind to the point where the memory of it is more vivid than all your other movie memories.  Don’t Go in the House is both good and weird.  It’s good BECAUSE it’s weird.  The movie focuses on the psychotic killer, as opposed to the victim of the psychotic killer.  The first act of violence in the movie is so gruesome that, despite the noticeably shitty special effect, the movie was banned in England and Wales.

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We’ve probably seen crazier shit over the years but at the time, it was pretty crazy.  Speaking of crazy, this motherfucker Donny, man.  What the fuck, bro?  Had me believing Dan Grimaldi, the actor who plays Donny, is really crazy.  He look like Bob from That 70’s Show in some scenes though LMAO!  Anyway, pretty solid horror film.

Days 30: Demons (1985)

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What the fuck did I just watch?  This shit was type trash, b.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the protagonist is completely forgotten about for like 20 minutes.  Like yo, huh?!  It’s an Italian movie yet it’s in English and the actors are CLEARLY speaking English but it still seems like the English audio was POORLY dubbed over cuz the audio-visual synchrony fucking sucked.  WOW.  At least there was some good gore.

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Day 31: Demons 2 (1986)

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Oh my fucking God.  Again with the terrible dubbed audio.  Both these movies are just about demons acting like zombies.  Mr. Argento…put the quill down and stick to directing, my G.

But seriously though, at least this one was kind of better.  Less gore, but better all around.  It’s like they used the first movie as a template and just changed the scenery and the practical effects and….OH look, same black guy.  As a different character.  Are they trying to say that all black people look alike and nobody would notice? Because that’s what it seems like.  WHY?  BRUH. WHY? Smh.

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You can tell these motherfuckers were watching Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and were like, “BROOO.  We should make a horror movie with mad rock music playing in the background for no reason”.  At least they upped the ante for this one.  Dogs and kids are with the shits in this one.  So here’s basically what I watched.  Grown ass women playing 16 year olds, midgets playing 6 year olds and the same black guy playing another black guy.  What the fuck is going on in Italy?

Alright, that’s it!  31 movi….

PSYCH!

BONUS MOVIE OF THE MONTH!!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

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Oh my God, it’s Bae from The Vatican Tapes.  I love her.  Oh, but wait.  She just single-handedly ruined the franchise.  How, you ask?  Well, she’s somewhat of a recognizable face in horror now.  These movies are supposed to be taken over by unknown actors to suspend disbelief.  But then again, what is this?  The 5th Paranormal Activity? Nobody even remotely suspects that this is actual found footage and nobody has since the 1st movie.  It picks up where the 3rd movie ended with little Katie.  Then it…. I’m not about to explain all this shit, bruh.

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It’s too complicated to verbalize.  Just know that the creative and innovative ways of camera use in the previous ‘Paranormals’ are coming to a slow and deliberate, while still screeching halt. But the creative efforts of these writers are starting to focus on the tie-ins. Every movie now is starting to put some puzzle pieces together that help understand the timeline of these hauntings and it’s all one big overwhelming knot that’s ready to be picked apart and explained on some elaborate essay. What’s that I hear? Do it for the blog? I AIN’T GON’ DO IT.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Bravo’s 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006)

Bravo’s 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009)

IT’S HALLOWEEN! A.k.a Ash Vs. Evil Dead day for the real niggas.  And the realest of niggas already seent the first episode but I’m still gonna watch it again cuz I’m a real nigga.

Until next year, fuckheads.  *ghost rides DeLorean through Halloween parade*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 1-10)

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Thank you, baby Satan!  Eleven whole months have passed since the last edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth and not 1 image of gore has been transmitted through my optic nerve, bruh.  The same can’t be said for some of you who recently watched those beheading videos online, you sick motherfuckers.  News flash: Those videos BEEN online for quite some time now.  For some reason, they were noticed by a broader audience this year.  But enough of that sick, twisted shit.  We’re here for visually stunning, fictitious flicks with the actors and the…camera angles and the……. the FAKE shit, OK?!  The scripted ones.  Real people actually being killed is terrible.  I hate it.

So last year, I mentioned something about the movie Gravity, although not falling into the genre of horror, having a horrific theme.  I also said I might save it for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth list of movies to watch if I didn’t give in on opening weekend and caught it on the silver screen.  Well, call me Mr. Patience.  I put it off long enough and that’s why I’m starting this year’s edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with Gravity.  So here we go.  Days 1-10.

Day 1: Gravity (2013)

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Sandra!  NOOOOOOOOO!  I mean, wait…..what’s her name in the movie again?  I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re drifting aimlessly in space, now does it?  I noticed my breathing changed while I watched this movie.  All my zero gravity fantasies were discarded with a determined long range Michael Jordan fade away.  With the tongue out.  No way in hell do I want to feel like a yo-yo that never retracts.  That’s what Sandra Bullock was for a good 15 minutes.  No control of her direction whatsoever.  On George Clooney’s string, much like the women in his life were before he chose the one to settle down with.  (It’s a miracle.)

Remember when you were a kid and your big cousin would pick you up and swing you until you begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t, unless you were on the brink of genuine, pussified tears? THAT’S WHAT THIS WAS! But WORSE.  And then to top it off, a cameo from everybody’s least favorite Looney Tunes character, Marvin the Martian.

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How fitting.  I enjoyed the shit out of this movie.  The film score did it for me.  Many feels.

Day 2: Carrie (2013)

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Well, well, well.  If it isn’t one of the best horror remakes I’ve ever seen.  All the elements are there.  Nobody can say this is a watered down version of the story or it wasn’t as captivating as the original.  The buildup, the payoff, the characters. All there.  Of course there’s minor differences.  E.g., instead of traditional volleyball, they played in a pool.  Then, of course, the modernization of the setting.  Internet instead of books, a Tim Tebow reference, and “Young Blood” by The Naked and Famous playing at the prom.  Naturally, the violent scenes are little better, visually, because technology allows that now.  Still, they kept from using too much CGI.  No John Travolta.  But his replacement is just as douchey.  No Sissy Spacek, but my God, if Chloë Grace Moretz didn’t do a hell of a job making the viewer believe she was odd and not as attractive as the other girls… I mean, I have to admit…I was a little skeptical about how believable she would be, coming into this.  The character is supposed to be an ugly duckling and Chloë is far from that.

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But somehow, she made it happen.  She made you feel for her when she was getting picked on and I was just as happy for her as I was for Sissy’s Carrie when Billy was being nice to her.  Oh yeah, can’t forget about Julianne Moore’s performance. Wow. What a fucking psycho.

Remakes that are actually good are hard to come by.  Finding any that are AS good as the original is even more unlikely, making this film a pleasant rarity.

Day 3: You’re Next (2013)

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Thirty minutes in, I was ready to say this is the dumbest movie ever.  Then it became enjoyable. By enjoyable, I mean violent & unfortunate for the characters.  “Crawling on broken glass” unfortunate.  Just when it was on it’s way to being a pretty good movie, some corny, over-the-top shit happens like some whore trying to convince her man to fuck her next to his dead mother and it’s right back to being the worst.  Soon after, a blender is neatly used as a weapon and just like that, it’s good again.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s more than decent for a movie with a million dollar budget.  I’d say it’s a good slasher.  Everybody knows slashers are not always the best movies.  As long as people die every 5 minutes, it’s worth it.  The masks in this one though, is what put the movie on the map.  The Wyatt Family in the WWE stole the sheep mask look because it works so well at creeping people out and made it arguably more menacing which only brought more attention to the movie.

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That’s the only reason I wanted to watch You’re Next.  To see that creepy ass mask some more.  Seriously considering buying one.

Day 4: Freaks (1932)

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After 3 consecutive 2013 releases, I felt the need to just watch something that wasn’t modern.  I kind of overdid it and went back 82 years.  Freaks is a movie that I knew about for like 10 years but I never had the balls to watch it.  As a matter of fact, I found out about this film while watching Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments which aired in 2004.  I was right on the money. 10 years ago.  Coming in at #15 on the countdown, the clips were so fucking creepy to me despite being desensitized from watching clips from the previous 84 entries to the countdown.  A woman being chased by a legless man and a completely limbless man on his stomach, wobbling left and right with a knife in his mouth was the image that stuck in my head since I was 13 years old.

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All types of real-life deformed people in one movie was something I just could not bring myself to watch for 10 whole years. Until now.  Apparently, the original cut was too shocking and doesn’t even exist anymore as it was edited from it’s initial 90 minute runtime to the 64 minute version that’s out there.  Shit is short as hell.  I already saw the scariest parts by forcing myself to watch a clip here and there through the years so I basically just watched a midget leave his midget bae for a full-size bitch who only wanted to marry him for his money.  Black man lights cigarette with his mouth, “One of us! One of us! We accept her, we accept her! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us!”, roll credits.  That’s it.  Great for it’s time.  Creepy chant is the most memorable part in this whole shit and the “freaks” leave a lasting image in your psyche.  A must watch for those who want to say they’ve seen the movie that defined the subgenre “cult film”.

 

Day 5: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

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Oh, look.  I’m unintentionally back in 2013 again.

I hate way more about this movie than I care to like.  I’m giving this movie the same rating I gave the 1st one.  TD.  Trash Dookie.  It’s not fair at all that I realized it was rated PG-13 after I watched it.  But come on, y’all really liked this shit?  It was pretty scary for PG-13 but the majority of it is just jump scares.  I’m not even exaggerating, every time there was a jump scare, it was laughable.  Hands slamming down on piano keys was all they used to create suspense. There were maybe 2 good ones but I still laughed after them and it’s because there was no reason for me to be startled by a jump scare.  I didn’t flinch but if anyone did, it’s because the sound was loud and that’s just a reflex.  It has nothing to do with the possibility of something scary jumping out at you or the story being really creepy because there was none of that until like halfway through the 3rd quarter of this movie.

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I showed more emotion at the terrible shopping decisions this family made, especially when it came to house decorations and appliances.  I was like, “That wallpaper is God-awful.  And why the fuck do they have a TV with a knob on it?  What year is this?”  Other times, I was like, “So y’all just gon’ cover YOUR ears when the burglar alarm goes off and leave the baby’s ears unprotected, you selfish assholes?  Oh, that’s right.  Y’all suck at protecting.  Should’ve protected your genitals because you clearly are unfit parents.”  Movie is such a fucking drag.  You should see how the writers attempted to include comic relief.  Really, that shit couldn’t have been in the script.  It must’ve been ad-libbed on a day where the director just wanted to go the fuck home already.  PG-13 horror movies be so trash, bruh.

Day 6: Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

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I ain’t mad at this one.  I ain’t mad at any of the Paranormal Activity movies.  Truth is, they keep it fresh with the surveillance camera footage.  I made the mistake of watching this on a TV.  This is the one movie that should be watched on a laptop with some good headphones because then it feels like the actual found footage.  This time, laptop webcams were turned on on all the laptops in the house to keep tabs on the creepy boy from across the street who was sleeping over for like a week and a half for a reason I’m not sure about.  (My copy of the movie had really low audio.  Or maybe it was the loud ass fan on my Xbox making it impossible for me to hear indoor voice dialogue.)  SPEAKING OF XBOX!  A Kinect is used in the most dope way for this movie.  The special effects just keep getting better and better in this series.  The whole thing was like one big Kinect ad and I loved every minute of it.

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“Fucking Prius!”  LMAO!  The main character, Alex, yells this at someone who almost runs her over with a Toyota Prius.  I don’t understand the global hate for this vehicle but it sure is funny.  There’s a brief much-needed reminder of how the last one ended in the beginning, thank God.  The endings might not be as shocking anymore since we have an idea of what to expect but they’re still effective.  I heard the next one is not a sequel, but a spin-off.  So maybe it won’t be as predictable.  Should be fun.  Might watch that next, idk yet. ……

Day 7: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

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Psych, I’m just fucking with you.  Of course this was next. You kidding me?  I love these movies!  (Also, I have slight OCD so I couldn’t have watched anything else even if I tried.)  Holy shit, this was good!  I even forgot to take notes.  Well, not entirely.  I could revert to my tweets.

But seriously though, this is the best one out of the bunch.  This one makes the whole franchise worth it for me.  It’s the funniest, it’s the scariest, and….just fucking watch it.  That’s it.  I’m not saying anymore on it.  The next installment is called Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and it was supposed to be out in theaters on the 25th of this month.  It was pushed back to March 13, 2015 and now I’m pissed.  (Oh yeah. Movies come out on Fridays so it’s on Friday the 13th.)  I might not even wait for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth and just go on opening day, fuck it.

Day 8: Mama (2013)

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Remember when I said PG-13 horror movies be trash? … Scratch that.  FAITH RESTORED!  THIS motherfucker right here is frightening!  The story, the acting, the score, it’s all GOOD.  The girls humming was spine-tingling, sound effects on fleek, special effects eerie as fuck.  Jessica Chastain looked pretty good with black hair.  Loved it.  I don’t even like horror fantasy like that.  I feel like most of them are not creepy enough.  I noticed that the horror aspect turned into more of a drama-fantasy at the end of Mama.  It was fitting, though, and there was closure to the story.  The entire movie was sinister so I didn’t need an over-the-top gory ending.  PG-13 rated horror movies are back in my radar.

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Day 9: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

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Feels like American Pie at first.  Then Jesse Williams aka my nigga Jackson from Grey’s Anatomy shows up.  Then a pot head pulls up in a hoopty playing Asher Roth’s “Blunt Cruisin'”.  In those first 5 minutes, I was sold.  But I didn’t think it was gonna get any better.  After all, I WAS watching a horror movie on Netflix.  BRUH. …. When I say this is one of the best horror movies I’ve seen, I’m not just talking about this year.  Or since I started #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  EVER, bro.  E-VERRRR!  Shit was creative as fuck, goddamn!  I haven’t had this much fun watching a cabin movie since the original Evil Dead.  (I’m making it sound like I saw it when it came out.  I saw that shit for the 1st time last year.)  Seriously, it was fun, it was funny, it was scary, there was blood, there was gore, there were twists, there were surprises, there were tits, there was action, …I can’t even keep going like I want to because I don’t want to spoil it.  GO WATCH THIS MOVIE!  NOW!!! It’s my new fav.

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Day 10: Alien Abduction (2014)

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Begins so serious.  Next thing I know, there’s a family on the road and Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick” is playing on the radio.

So there was really a family bumpin’ this on the way to their demise in real life I guess because apparently, this is “actual footage” retrieved from an 11 year old autistic boy’s camera.  Priceless.  This one was limited in theaters and released on VOD and yo….I’m gonna stop shunning straight-to-video movies because this was actually worth my time.  It’s barely 90 minutes long and the proverbial fecal matter hit the gyrating, bladed appliance for sure.

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It has post-credits goods and the whole Project Blue Book thing had me googling shit after the movie was over and it added a sense of reality to it.  I always go too far with the government cover-ups/military studies research after watching alien movies and I need to stop.

Bada bing, bada boom. Days 1-10: Over.

Next 10 days might include an entire franchise.  Come back on the 20th to find out which legendary horror villain I’m going with.

Peace gawd, I’m gone.  *opens airborne airplane emergency exit whilst wearing a cape*