#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 1-10)

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Chucky, if you don’t get cho ass outta here, man… YOU KNOW WTF GOIN’ ON!  #ScaryMovieADayMonth is here!  Let’s waste no time.

Day 1: IT (1990)

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No need to write about this again. Read my thoughts here: Stephen King’s IT Retrospective

Day 2: IT (2017)

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Don’t feel like reading a full length post about a dancing clown stalking kids?  I’ll squeeze you into some OshKosh B’Gosh while you’re asleep and send his ass to your house.  Click the goddamn link.

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You don’t want those problems.

Day 3: Get Out (2017)

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Remember how you felt when you watched “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?” as a kid?  Yup.  I got that vibe watching this uncomfortable ass shit.  My LORD! this was a racial tension convention.  Predictability ruins movies, especially ones that spend all its time building up to an inevitable clusterfuck but Get Out is so original and brilliant, I don’t care.  Jordan Peele keeps it fresh enough to keep you invested and curious.  As far as the actors go, you can never go wrong casting LaKeith Stanfield and Daniel Kaluuya is outstanding!  This was already a fact but after Get Out, it’s super facts.  He keeps coming with it.  Incredible actor!  This movie is good enough to buy AFTER you already watched it.

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Day 4: Cult Of Chucky (2017)

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Chucky movies will always be enjoyable to an extent because we love Chucky and we can’t get enough of him.  He’s hilarious and his one-liners are classic.  That’s sort of my only problem with Cult of Chucky.  I wanted more Chucky!  His scenes were worth the watch alone, I just wanted more.  That’s it.  He’s what keeps us wanting more of these movies more than anything.  However, this franchise is starting to get some of the charm it had in the original trilogy.  Child’s Play fanatics might want to stick around for the credits, hint hint.

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Day 5: Life (2017)

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Is it just me or this movie is hard to hear for the first 20 minutes?  I had to rewind like 80 times to catch dialogue.  Either my audio was off or my ears were shot from the Paramore show the night before.  Once I threw the captions on, it was smooth sailing from there.  I really enjoyed it.  Being stranded anywhere is frightening.  Being stranded in outer space is fucking hopeless and it’s thrilling to watch.  The panic is 10 times worse and the stakes are far more drastic.  This movie is reminiscent of a little classic from the 70’s you may know of.

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Day 6: It Follows (2016)

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So….I didn’t take notes.  I thought maybe I would make sense of it over time but here I am not knowing what the fuck it all meant.  I caught on to the “what” really early on, I just never got the “why”.  The final scene only confused me more.  With that said, I don’t think I would enjoy it the same if I wasn’t confused.  To me, that’s what makes It Follows worth watching.  One of the best things about watching movies is the talk about it as soon as it ends.  Not everyone will appreciate this movie but everyone will feel the need to have a discussion after.  It’s one of those.

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Day 7: Lights Out (2016)

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Lights Out had its moments.

  • Decent jump scares: Check.
  • Protagonist that looks like Avril Lavigne: Check.
  • Laughable moments: Check.
  • Two actresses that can pass as mother and daughter in real life: Check.
  • Underwhelming feeling when the credits rolled: Check.

It was meh.  Can’t really expect a short film that went viral on the internet to impress anyone when it’s made into a full length feature film.  Even if it’s not, it will seem like a money grab.

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Day 8: The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)

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Falling asleep mid-movie always sucks.  It takes you out of it.  Even when it’s not the movie’s fault, it’s hard to enjoy the rest later.  It was a long weekend, I couldn’t keep it together, I was done.  I remember thinking, “I like where this is going” right before I passed out.  I still liked where it was going when I picked it back up, but not as much.  By the end, I was a little disappointed overall but I still don’t know if it was the movie or the nap.  I’ll blame the nap because I love crime mystery drama shit so….whatever.  The point is… autopsies are interesting.  Whether or not the ending is good, everything before that is good enough. Great, even.  Don’t watch movies when you’re sleepy.

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Day 9: Raw (2016)

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The title alone tells you it’s about to get weird.  Why is it called Raw?  Well, here’s the synopsis I pulled from IMDB; “When a young vegetarian undergoes a carnivorous hazing ritual at vet school, an unbidden taste for meat begins to grow in her.”  Before I read that, I found out this is a French-Belgian film so I was ready for weird.  Foreign films tend to push boundaries moviegoers in America don’t even believe exist for them to be pushed.  Watch movies produced in other countries, you’ll see what I mean.  It’s just different. I can’t begin to explain what I saw because it’s too weird to briefly explain.  I’ll just leave it at…it’s just different.

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Day 10: Clown (2014)

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We all like a good comeback.  When something that appears to be unsalvageable redeems itself before it’s too late, it’s given more credit than it originally would have had if it wasn’t a disaster at all.  Clown managed to entertain me after some hilariously ridiculous moments early in the movie had me convinced I couldn’t get jiggy with this shit.  Great shots, great makeup, one character had one of the greatest slips in movie history.  She busted her ASS, you can tell it was real.  Not the best movie at all, not even close, but I had fun.

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Days 1-10, over.  See y’all in like a week.

*lights self on fire and leg drops tub full of dynamite*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*