#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s over now, move over.  Tur-key’s turn now, it’s over.  October’s.  Shut.  Down. ……SORRY!

You don’t know about that.  R.I.P. Natina Reed.

BUT WAIT!  We’re not putting #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 to rest just yet.  We still got 11 to go over.

Day 21: Trilogy of Terror (1975)

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Like Tourist Trap, this movie was featured on “The 50 Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen”; a documentary special released in 2014.  I watched that special (obviously) and I’m planning on watching all the movies I haven’t seen on there.  I went with this one first strictly for it’s short run-time.  I thought the first short of this anthology was alright and I already forgot what the second short was about.  The last one though… it was the memorable and fun to watch compared to the others.  There’s one “Oh shit, it’s about to go down.” moment that brought me way too much joy than it had any business  bringing.  Not only that; everything from the opening monologue to the final shot was entertaining to me which can’t be said about a lot of the dry, slow-moving horror produced before ’78.

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Day 22: Tales From The Crypt (1972)

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Another one.  Anthology horrors don’t necessarily need a connection between the tales but this one is better for having one.  After the tales are told, it’s revealed why they were told, which gives the movie a bit more purpose than the customary anthology horrors of that time.  While some of the acting isn’t the best and the images aren’t the scariest, the good terror was in the idea of what was happening more so than what’s seen on screen.  There were a couple of special effects that were impressive for a movie released in the early 70’s but none that would be as memorable if not for the story surrounding them and that’s what I like about these tales.  It’s the theme each tale had in common and the ending that I appreciated and liked just enough to make me want to watch the sequel.  So that’s what I did.

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Day 23: The Vault of Horror (1973)

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Nope.  This is not…. *sigh*.

In case you didn’t know, this movie is based on a comic book series published by EC Comics in the 50’s.  My favorite thing about this movie is an Easter egg.  I’m talking the smallest minor detail.  The comic book itself is seen sitting on the table in one scene and even the Tales From The Crypt book, which was also a comic published by EC Comics, is shamelessly plugged.  I love meta shit like that.  ……That was it.  The tales were fine but… meh.  The audio in these old movies are already not that great but this shit sounded horrendous.  I know not to expect much from these movies but that ending was trash.  I think I’m done with the 70’s for now. *hops back in time machine*

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Day 24: Tales From The Hood (1995)

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Clarence. Williams. III.  Great performance!  Now I know where The Game got that excerpt for “Da Shit” on his sophomore album Doctor’s Advocate.  (There I go again showing how much of a Hip-Hop savant I am.)  Anyway, there’s a tale featuring David Alan Grier on here about voodoo drawings and I swear I saw this as a kid on VHS.  Something tells me it might have been Wishmaster but I don’t know.  I must’ve seen this somewhere, it’s so familiar.  The scariest scene in the entire movie is basically a music video with gangsta ass music playing behind a bunch of graphic images of dead people and real lynchings.  It was disturbing.  The rest of it was as cringe worthy as Rodney King’s “Can we all get along?”, which was quoted in this movie.  While it’s not even close to being Spike Lee’s best effort, I enjoyed about half of this movie just fine.

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Got a little carried away with the anthology horrors.  As much as I like watching them, they’re not giving me that feeling I’m looking for.  I need to get back to the real movies to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 the right way.  It’s time to take it back to the master of horror, Stephen King.

Day 25: 1922 (2017)

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I didn’t plan it but this makes 4 Stephen King based movies for this year’s list.  Netflix is pumping them out!

Somehow, I didn’t get the feel I was hoping for with 1922 either.  The most horrifying stuff happens in the first half of the movie.  The rest wasn’t all that scary, I didn’t think.  However, in terms of storytelling, this was a damn good movie.  The story had me invested early on; focusing on every detail, clinging to every word,… I was relishing how dark the narrative was becoming.  If you’re looking for a great suspenseful drama with heavy southern accents,  this is a great one.  Just don’t expect to be blown away by the end.

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Day 26: Creep 2 (2017)

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Could you think of a sequel that’s better than the first movie?  There are some out there but they’re few and far between.  ADD CREEP 2 TO THE LIST!  Mark Duplass is BRILLIANT!  I thought he was great in the first movie but he knocked this one out of the park from the opening scene to the very end.  I’m officially a fan of this series and yes, a third will apparently be made which makes this an actual series.  I can not wait to see what this crazy bastard does next.

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I had one problem with this movie, just one.  As a person who has no problem suspending disbelief, I had a tough time believing anyone in the real world would act the way a certain character did in her situation.  Her reactions to some things were a bit muted.  Even though it’s explained – and for that, I’m willing to let it slide – I still feel there could’ve been a way to make it feel a little more realistic.  Although at this point, I’m just nitpicking.  I’m sorry.  That’s what happens when you watch hundreds of horror movies and you know how they work.  Good thing I also know when to throw minor criticisms out the window and recognize when a movie is greater than that one minuscule flaw.  I really had a blast watching this movie and that’s all that matters.

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Day 27: Blair Witch (2016)

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SHIT.  GOT.  REAL.

You’d think after watching hundreds of scary movies, it gets easier to sit through them.  I mean… it kinda does but if there’s something that still frightens me to my core, it’s the memory I have of watching The Blair Witch Project.  I was 8 or 9 years old and the way I felt watching that movie was completely justifiable for anyone at the time but especially for a kid.

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Halfway through this movie, I felt it.  My stomach got queasy and my throat was dry but I didn’t wanna sip water in fear that I might choke if I was startled while drinking.  My 9 year-old feelings came back one by one with every familiar image.  The callbacks to the original had me on edge and the events in this film were scary as shit.  Perfect combination of keeping the essence of the Blair Witch lore and introducing new ideas and information about the Black Hill Forest.  I almost went back to watch a few scenes again to piece things together carefully to better understand what I just watched and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I had had enough.  I was shook.

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Day 28: Yoga Hosers (2016)

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This is the most Canadian movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s not even a Canadian production.  Apparently, Kevin Smith’s intention was to make three Canada-centric horror comedies that all connect in some way.  Yoga Hosers is the second installment of what Smith calls his “True North Trilogy”.  Wish I knew that before I watched this spin-off of the first installment, a movie called Tusk.  (Fuck it, I’m watching that next.  It’s Kevin Smith, man.)  Anyway, this movie isn’t scary at all.  It probably shouldn’t be on this list but it’s too late now.

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Starring Kevin Smith’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith and Johnny Depp’s daughter, Lily-Rose Depp, who start the movie with a rap rock jam session (Of course, the director’s a huge Run DMC fan.), I was curious to see how a movie like this could work.  ……You’re damn right Silent Bob made it work.  Despite its ridiculous premise, Yoga Hosers is dripping with butt jokes and jammed up that very ass with Canadian caricaturization, nerdy nods and comic book references; that signature campy style we’ve come to expect and want from Kevin Smith movies.  His techniques still charm my geek shorts off.  We got Smith and Depp themselves in supporting roles, cameos from iconic people, tons of Batman references and Easter eggs, (More than I caught with my own eye, I’m sure.) and… come to think of it…this is the most “Kevin Smith” movie I’ve ever seen.

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Day 29: Tusk (2014)

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Nobody creates a cinematic universe quite like Kevin Smith, holy crap.  I had no idea how different this movie was gonna be from Yoga Hosers.  Now that I’ve seen them both, when I think about how these movies work in order, it’s pretty fucking brilliant.  Tusk begins as a comedy and slowly gets darker and more fucked up as it continues.  There’s still humor throughout the movie but it’s done in moderation which doesn’t take away from the sick, crazy story being told.  Props to this cast for carrying this movie and somehow keeping it up in the next movie as different characters, with the exception of a few main characters who get more screen time and more of a center focus in Yoga Hosers.  A trilogy of three completely different types movies within the same universe?  This is not the first time Kevin Smith has executed this.  However, it’s taken a step further this time.  Genius.  Can’t wait for the third installment, Moose Jaws.

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Day 30: Happy Death Day (2017)

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A girl wakes up on her birthday. That night, she’s murdered. She wakes up the next morning, it was a dream. Or was it?

Look, I’ll save you the Google search. It wasn’t a dream.  The poor girl relives the same day every day and dies every night.  It’s Groundhogs Day: The Horror Version.  The college girl horror version. There was a moment toward the end that took the movie from alright to “oh shit, that’s crazy”.  That lasted for a minute and five seconds.  It got corny fast. They almost redeemed it all with just two words, but by the end, it just converted to a good kind of corny.  A “Ok, that wasn’t all that bad. I had fun.” kinda corny. I guess the term is “cheesy”.  Whatever.  It was an eventful 95 minutes.

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Day 31: Halloween (1978)

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Come on.  I couldn’t NOT watch the original Halloween on Halloween after this:

If you haven’t already seen this CLASSIC, you’re not about this horror life.  I mean, I can respect that.  After all, not everyone is a loony horror enthusiast who watches scary movies for fun on the date the movie takes place in.  You definitely should cuz it’s better that way but you don’t hav- … I say that to say, … what is there to say about this iconic film?  John Carpenter.  Jamie Lee Curtis.  William Shatner face mold mask guy with a knife.  What else you need?

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Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Nothing.  I haven’t watched Stranger Things Season 2 yet.

Welp, Happy Halloween!

*stays home sipping hot cocoa, calmly*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 11-20)

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Chew right through that mystery gristle, my guy!  That voracious appetite for horror will only get stronger as Halloween stealthily approaches.  You gotta be well fed by the 31st, that’s how you know deep down in your dark soul you did everything you could to put on for the greatest holiday ever.  Go on, now.  Eat.  EAT!!!!!

Day 11: The Eyes of My Mother (2016)

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Film-making is an art.  Independent filmmakers make artsy films.  “Borrow the slow pace, carry the low budget…” If my math is correct, that’s double the artys-fartsy.  As we know, art is subjective.  Every piece ain’t for everybody.  This movie certainly is not for everybody.

I watched this with my cousin and he didn’t wait for it to end to look at me and say, “This movie is lame.”  While I couldn’t disagree, his opinion couldn’t sway me into agreeing.  This movie is slow, it’s in black-and-white and it’s a borderline snoozefest.  To someone looking to be entertained, this movie can be painfully boring.  However, art shouldn’t be judged just on its entertainment value, it’s deeper than that.  Some of the images in this film are still in my head a week later, whether it was a sick and twisted scene or simply beautiful cinematography.  For a movie with only a $250,000 budget, there are some great shots made more impressive by the fact that it’s director Nicolas Pesce’s debut.  Not to mention, he wrote and edited it as well.  I respect filmmakers too much to call this movie wack or trash just because it didn’t move fast or make me jump.

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Day 12: Gerald’s Game (2017)

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Few hours later, I got the complete opposite side of the coin with Gerald’s Game.  Having not read Stephen King’s novel and not knowing what to expect at all, I decided to give this a watch simply because it was new and as Netflix Originals are usually promoted, it was featured on the app’s main page.

Wow!  This is a movie.  I don’t mean the type you say that about when you leave the theater after a summer blockbuster.  I mean, this is an amazingly written, emotional movie.  It’s so dialogue driven in the best way.  It’s cerebral, it’s emotional, it’s….. just exceptionally well done. I didn’t care to check what critics are saying; I know this movie is good and you should see it.  All you have to do is open the app and press play.  God bless Netflix.

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Day 13: Friday The 13th (1980)

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Come on.  You knew it was coming, right?  A 13th day that happens to fall on a Friday in October… I’d be crazy to turn on a horror movie that’s not Friday The 13th.  This is why I’m here; to celebrate horror the right way.  Who am I to fuck tradition up?

No need to recap.  We know what this is.  It started a phenomenon and it’s one of the main reasons I’ll look at you crazy if you make it a thing to stay at an old cabin in the woods.  For fuck’s sake, get an Airbnb.  Love yourself.

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Day 14: They Look Like People (2015)

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I have no problem with low budget films.  This movie though….. this shit had damn near no budget.  I’ve seen iPhone clips with better quality than this.  Holy shit.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m above watching stuff like this because I’m not.  At all.  I just couldn’t get jiggy with this shit.  If a major studio were to make a movie like this with more, it would be perfectly fine.  Props to the makers though.  A lack of resources shouldn’t stop you from making what you want.

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Day 15: The Possession (2012)

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October 15th marked the 36th anniversary of one of my favorite horror movies of all time, The Evil Dead.  Since I already watched it for #ScaryMovieADayMonth a few years back, I decided to go with a different Sam Raimi flick to commemorate him in some fashion.  Maybe it was the fact that The Possession wasn’t Evil Dead at all that kept me from enjoying myself but I just wanted it to be over after like an hour.  The ending got pretty intense but not as intense as the voicemails my pillow was leaving me.  It was callin’, bruh.  The movie wasn’t horrendous, I don’t think.  It’s just …. I had more fun pretending the events in this movie were leading to Jeffrey Dean Morgan becoming Negan in The Walking Dead.  I’m assuming that having a possessed daughter will fundamentally change you as a person.

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Day 16: Little Evil (2017)

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Sometimes you gotta throw on some silly horror comedy to cleanse your palate.  Even though I didn’t laugh out loud over 1.5 times or at all for that matter, it was mindless fun.  There’s some Edgar Wright-influenced transitions sprinkled in there, that’s always fun.  So is realizing Evangeline Lilly ages like wine, which happens whenever she’s on the screen.  Overall, it was entertaining enough for me to not feel like I wasted my time.  Give it a shot if you’re bored and/or familiar with The Omen.

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Day 17: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

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I forgot where but I heard from somewhere this was a good found footage so I went for it.  I understood that it’s a good movie that happens to be found footage but it turned out to be a decent film that is better because it executes the style really well.  Scenes never linger enough to slow down the pace of the movie.  The editing and camera angles keep you interested in the story that would otherwise be standard horror storytelling.  Regardless, the documentation of an elderly woman battling Alzheimer’s doesn’t need much else to make one feel uneasy and this movie expounds the danger of a forgetful and unpredictable person and more.

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Day 18: XX (2017)

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I really enjoy anthology horror films.  It’s like binge watching a short series.  If one short sucks, OH WELL!  I didn’t waste 2 hours of my life watching a shitty movie.  Luckily, none of the four shorts on here were terrible.  There are always standouts in these types of movies but none are deal breakers.  If you want adult Goosebumps vibes, pick up an anthology horror.  Maybe start with this one.  You will enjoy at least one of these tales.

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Day 19: Train to Busan (2016)

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Ever wonder what a zombie virus spreading in a moving train in South Korea looks like? Look no goddamn further!  I found this on a “Top Horror Movies to Watch on Netflix” list and I was transfixed by the concept of such merciless pandemonium.  What can you do in that situation?  I had to see how fucked the situation was for myself.

This movie is emotionally exhausting.  One minute, I’m rooting for a group of people.  The next, I’m wishing death on some asshole.  The very next, I’m mourning and then furious…and then laughing…and then shocked, and then…. IT’S NON-STOP!  Balls to the motherfucking wall!  The reason is that this movie somehow makes you care about the characters at an impressive rate.  I was very much invested in and worried for these characters evading stampedes of rabid, flesh-eating Koreans in no time.  Despite having some B-movie quality special effects, Train to Busan is extremely well-paced and immensely entertaining.

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Day 20: Tourist Trap (1979)

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If Stephen King praised it, I appraise it.  Curiosity takes over me.  What about Tourist Trap made this master of horror speak highly of it?  I pressed play, ready to be slightly more critical than usual.  Twenty minutes in, I acknowledged the creepiness but nothing stood out besides the music, only because it was sampled on “Guilty Conscience” by Eminem Ft. Dr. Dre from The Slim Shady LP.  (Ignore my spectacular Hip-Hop IQ, that’s irrelevant right now.)

Forty-five minutes in, my mind was blown.  I realized the hot brunette is none other than Tanya Roberts aka Midge Pinciotti from That 70’s Show.  (Don’t scoff at me, I went in blind and I’d never seen her in her 20’s.)  By the way, why are there hot chicks skinny dipping and sexual content in a rated PG movie?  The 70’s were different, man.  Wtf?  Anyway, by the end, I was pleased with this movie.  The score, the still shot of the dark woods with blue backlight, the closing moments… everything felt classically spooky.  I don’t know how big this movie was in ’79 or ever, but it was, at least to me, filled with moments as memorable as those in some of the classics of that time.  Hey Stephen King, I get it.

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Man, oh man.  Twenty already.  Come to think of it, the majority of those 20 have been releases in the last 5 years.  That’s trash.  There’s waaaay more I need to explore, especially movies that predate my existence.  At this rate, I’ll become a horror film expert.  A human en-psycho-pedia, if you will.  Yeah….. I’m ready.

Annyeonghi Gyeseyo. (안녕히 계세요)  *sets time machine made in Korea to the 70’s and grabs bell bottom jeans *

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

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Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.

Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me.

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine.

Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert.

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit?
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b.

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those.

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 21-31)

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That’s it?  I still got a long ass list of movies though. …..  (Thank God, yo.  I was dying, yo.  Nah, yo.  Nah.  Too many fucking movies, b.  Chill, b.  I brrrrrr wit the nah-nah-nah, b.  Almost gave up about a week agooo!)

Fellow brethren and sistren, October has come to an end and that means we can stop acting scary now.  No more life-size poseable skeletons, jack-o’-lanterns and rubber roach replicas.  Only “boo” you need to be worried about after midnight is your significant other.  Y’all are just about ready to move on from all this ghoulish stuff so I’ll cut to the chase.  Homestretch.  We on it.

Day 21: Oculus (2013)

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I have to watch this one again.  When it finally got going at the end, I kind of wished I didn’t almost doze off during the first hour.  In my defense, it takes way too long for shit to pop off.  NOTHING HAPPENS!  I didn’t even take notes so I have nothing to talk about here.  All I know is when something DID happen, it was interesting enough to make me want to revisit it and pay close attention to that first hour.  With that said, I tucked this one in my movie stash for a rainy day.

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Day 22: See No Evil (2006)

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Let’s keep the WWE Studios produced movies theme going, shall we?

Just what I need.  Senseless, erratic mutilation.  “Choke slam to the ceiling!” (Jim Ross voice)  If you get queasy at the thought of eye sockets being infiltrated, LOOK AWAY.  This is not for you.

Hey, remember that show, Taina on Nickelodeon?  All my hick-spanics know!  I was surprised to see her in a horror movie for no valid reason at all.  And to last as long as she did in this one.  Because let’s face it. Only the white survive.

I have just a few comments for some of the scenes in this movie, so here they are.

-Yeah, sure.  Tell the man that holds your life in his hands to let you go as he dangles you from an apartment building window.  Very smart.

-The blonde chick is lucky the iPhone 6 Plus wasn’t out at the time or she would’ve had to deep-throat that.

And finally….

-What’s with all the generic hip-hop music in this movie? ……  OOOOH, that’s right.  This was made around the time Vince McMahon was in his black phase.

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I wish I was joking but this “Keep it up” segment happened late 2005 and See No Evil was released in 2006. Shaking my motherfucking head.

Day 23: See No Evil 2 (2014)

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Not 1 single eyeball was poked out.  What in the entire fuck!???!!!  I thought that was Jacob Goodnight’s schtick.  WHY IS HE TALKING?!  *sigh*

I have to say, this is still better than the first one.  The suspense in the first half hour of this movie is some of the finest straight-to-DVD films have to offer.  Aside from Kane talking and not even coming close to an eyeball, his character appeared to be much more complete.

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Jacob Goodnight was super imposing, upgrading his attire by adding a leather apron and a mask.  Even the weapons looked more pristine and bad-ass.  He looks now like he can even take on the elite slasher movie serial killers like Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.  On second thought, it’s pretty cool Kane got some lines this time around.  He deserves it.

Day 24: Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

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Ever since I went to the See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel at NY Comic-Con last year, I had been looking forward to these movies, so I watched them back to back.

You see that picture of Hornswoggle right there?  Most misleading shit I’ve ever seen.  The man wasn’t shown ONCE in the movie.  He’s credited for making believe he’s in the movie. LMAOOOOO!  What the fuck was this?  There’s no way in hell Hornswoggle was in the costume and makeup.  It wasn’t even a Leprechaun.  It was some ugly ass creature running around, naked.  Am I missing something?  I don’t remember shit about the Leprechaun movies but, fuck outta here!  I know what a Leprechaun is.  That’s not a fucking Leprechaun.

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As far as the quality of the movie goes, it was ok.  Between the few gruesome scenes and the Irish dudes hilariously arguing in that Irish accent, it was watchable.  There was one scene that was excellent.  My eyebrows shot up, my eyes popped out of my head and I reacted with actual words.  “OOOH! ….. Daaamn.”  If you saw this movie, I’m sure you know the scene I’m talking about.  Very well done.

I’m still pissed the homie Hornswoggle wasn’t in a green top hat, sniffing around for gold coins and eating Lucky Charms though.  It’s bullshit.

Day 25: The Shining (1980)

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“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Please tell me one person did not sit at the typewriter and typed that shit.  It was like 100 pages of that shit.  If it was, I feel sorry for their fingers.

Jack fell asleep in a kitchen full of free Oreos, Tang, Country Time Lemonade, Corn Nuts and Nilla Wafers.  Unless the reason he fell asleep in there was the itis, Jack was buggin’.

All jokes aside, this is a masterpiece.  Stanley Kubrick shot this shit beautifully.  I’m glad I didn’t waste my time looking for the shorter, supposed “better” version as Kubrick would call it.  I prefer seeing every scene that was shot for this movie.  Jack Nicholson HAS to be a psycho in real life.  The faces he makes, to me, can’t be learned.  That shit is natural.  Don’t try to convince me he’s THAT good of an actor because I already know that.  It’s not happening. Those expressions have not nearly enough to do with acting than it does being a fucking born psychopath.

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If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and just watch it.  I never watched it from beginning to end without distractions until now and it was 10 times better than I remembered it.  That’s cuz I didn’t pay attention before.  What more do I need to say about an 80’s horror movie that would convince you to watch it other than “It’s an 80’s horror movie”? That’s pretty much all that needs to be said.  So isolate yourself for two and a half hours. GO!  This needs to be SEENT.

Day 26: V/H/S: Viral (2014)

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Three days after its release, I was watching this on a comfy couch, in the comfort of my home.  The internet is the greatest aspect of life.

Movie begins with a dude obsessively filming his pretty ass girlfriend, on some Joe Budden shit.  Before I knew it, shit got REAL!  I got goosebumps at the 19-minute mark.  That’s unheard of!  The movie moves so quickly, you don’t have to wait AT ALL for shit to go down.

The entire V/H/S series is fun to watch.  Never a dull moment.

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I wish I could be a fly on the wall at one of the round table discussions/brainstorming sessions for these movies.  How do they come up with this stuff?  Everybody in the threads on Reddit are saying they were disappointed with this movie.  That it wasn’t as good as the first 2 movies.  That part is true.  This one lacked compared to the others and the story was confusing.  Disappointed though?  Sounds like a personal problem.  Whoever says they didn’t have fun watching this is a lying ass faggot.  Parts 1 and 2 were good because they were fun to watch and made you go, “What the fuck?”.  “Viral” did that.  So take the dicks out your asses and just accept the fact that every horror movie declines with every sequel.  Not every movie is going to have a strong ending.  Just enjoy the ride.

Day 27: The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

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Oh my God.  Why does this exist?  Please let this be the last ‘Purge’ movie.  Shit sucks!  The casting is horrible.  These actors were not meant to be in a movie like this.  They sucked.  The movie itself pissed me off.  It’s always some emotional ass stupid bitches fucking up the groove.  Let the man get his revenge, who GIVES a fuck?

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It’s like you do right by somebody and they repay you by being clingy and ruining your life.  Hate that shit.  This shit was MAD disposable.

Omar from The Wire and I share the same sentiment.  “MOTHERFUCK THE PURGE!”

Day 28: World War Z (2013)

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The unrated cut.  EXCELLENT movie.  It could’ve ended after 28 minutes and I would’ve been satisfied with just that.  So fast-paced, so intense.  You know shit is hectic when you eagerly take refuge in a project building in Newark, New Jersey.

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I officially want to read the novel this movie is based on, which is kind of backwards for me.  I prefer reading books (this sentence already sounds inaccurate) before watching their film adaptations…….on the rare occasion that I DO read a book.  See how I patched that sentence up at the end like dat dere?  (Auntie Fee voice)

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Oh, you didn’t?  Then why the hell you pointing the ca….take that mothafuckin’ camera off me and point it at the blog, SHIT!

Anyway,  the “Mother Nature is a serial killer” monologue alone made me wonder what other gems were compressed and even removed completely from the script.

I recommend World War Z to pretty much anybody who likes movies in general.  Or Brad Pitt.

Day 29: Aftershock (2012)

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Eli Roth never disappoints.  It’s all in the tagline.  Everything that can possibly go wrong in this movie, DOES!  And it’s all humanity’s fault once the earthquake is over.  Even acts of kindness result in the most unimaginable epic fails you’ve ever seen in any film.  It’s what separates this one from the others.  Every glimpse of hope these characters felt were immediately crushed.

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At one point, I figured there’s no happy ending for any of these people. They have the worst luck.  Whether I was right or wrong is up to y’all to find out.  I’m not one to spoil things.  That’s for the faggots.

Day 30: A Serbian Film (2010)

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I can not believe what I just watched.  I’m surprised this isn’t banned everywhere.  This movie is not for the faint of heart any-fucking-body.  Seriously.  Is this how Serbia gets down?

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It’s rated NC-17, so I should’ve known.  I should’ve known I was in for some fucked up shit.  I don’t even wanna say what it’s about.  If you’re curious, google it and read the synopsis.  I will say, though, that after reading about the director’s intentions, I reckon that this movie has artistic merit.  Srđan Spasojević (don’t even know how to pronounce that) said in an interview, “You’re raped from birth and it doesn’t even stop after your death.”  Now, I see the movie in a new light.  It’s still fucked up to no end, but now I know it wasn’t made to just sicken the audience as much as possible.  It was also to make a statement through metaphor.  I just don’t think the average person can sit through this.  Too graphic.

DOUBLE FEATURE!

WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A

DOUBLE FEATURE!

Day 31: Eraserhead (1977) & Pieces (1982)

Decided to watch 2 movies to conclude #ScaryMovieADayMonth because I’m a masochist and apparently, 31 movies in 31 days just isn’t enough for me.

Eraserhead

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In 2014, a 1977 movie made me say, “Whoa, how’d they do that?”  You new special effects people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

This movie is fucking weird.  Even though there’s no definitive explanation of what this movie is about, but to me, it’s basically about how life sucks balls and marriage and parenthood makes it suck dick.  And that the little bit of sleep you get as a parent sucks ass because if you’re not having a nightmare, you’re having a sweet dream that only makes you realize how much your life sucks orangutan tits once you wake up.  And that the only solution is to murder your child in cold….grits?  Oops, I just gave away too much.  Oh well, it’s not like your were going to watch this anyway.

Chicken period.

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Pieces

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80’s gory goodness.  The only copy I could find was like a videocassette rip and it looked all shitty.  PERFECT.  I prefer watching old movies like that, in their fuzzy, original picture quality.  Unless it’s a masterpiece or a movie with highly visual scenes, I don’t want to watch old movies in Blu-ray.  It’ll just unmask more flaws from already flawed movies with unprecedented clarity.  Fuck that.  Other than the few enjoyable, gory scenes, this movie is pretty bad.

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The actors where just miming recordings of their voices reading the script, you can tell.  Sometimes, their mouths barely moved while you can clearly hear them “speaking”.  There were stupid scenes that had nothing to do with anything.  Like the Kung-Fu professor scene.  Pointless.  Lots of nudity, including full frontal from both a female and a male.  That’s 2 days in a row I watch a movie with male full frontal nudity.  This is ridick-ulous.  I’m kind of glad #ScaryMovieADayMonth is over.  The pecker sightings were getting out of hand.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

– Lights Out by David F. Sandberg (2013)

Short 2-minute film.  Creepy as all hell.

Tuck Me In by Ignacio F. Rodó (2014)

Advertised as the scariest 1-minute short film you will ever see.  Sounds about right.

– Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments (2004)

The infamous countdown that I can still enjoy a decade later.  My potential list of movies for next year is already significantly hefty but it’s better if it always is.  This countdown is helping me with that.

3 years in a row.  94 scary movies in 93 days.  Not really back to back but yes, really… sort of .. kind of.

Time to go Trick-or-Treating!  Which, by my definition, is pickpocketing kids for their candy while creepily salivating over the sexy Halloween costumes the THOTS so THOTfully wear.  (I’m not doing this. It’s just my definition.)

There might even be a costume twerk-off in the middle of the street.  You never know, these days.

Happy Halloween, everybody!  *revs up chainsaw, runs like maniac through crowded NYC streets*