My 1st Voting Experience

Quick & easy. Just like it’s supposed to be. Just how them GBE boys will light this whole shit up if Obama loses. Not that they even care. But yea. Speed dial.

Anyway, it was cold as shit this morning and the line to vote was dick & butt. Can of sardines. Luckily, it wasn’t packed enough for the line to be sticking out the building when I got there. So here’s what happened.

  • I waited in a line that made me feel I was coming out of there with government cheese & Corn Flakes.
  • The man in charge of my district was damn near Michael J. Fox, the way he was shaking. I felt bad for his nervous system.
  • I immediately lost all sympathy for the old geezer when he misspelled my name on the card. When have you ever heard of a dude named “Angle”? Tha FUCK!
  • Walked my ass to the private booth & filled in a bunch of bubbles for unfamiliar names. Except for maybe like 3. Which is still horrible. (I never claimed to be into politics anyway.)
  • Scanned my sheet & handed the dude next to the machine my card & folder like if they were keys to a Bentley & he was the valet.
  • Walked out and noticed the line sticking out the building, snapped a pic, chuckled, & walked away to Jay-Z’s “PSA” with the utmost, morning “I just voted for my 1st time” swag.

As I walked away, I wondered “How can you be so sure about who you want to represent this nation if you can’t even read signs & stand in the proper lines? Wow, these people are complete nincompoops”. But what do I know? I’m just a renegade who’s eyes glisten with hope at the thought of Obamacare like an anime cartoon. Wait, can I still be a renegade even though I just voted? Nah, right? Blah. Whatever. Maybe, just maybe …. I can live a life a little less cautious and mosh at concerts without having to pretend my body is an item at an antique store. “You break, you paaaay!” (Old Korean lady voice) Or should I say “blake” ….. hee hee hee.

I had no intentions of voting until last minute. I just decided, why not? I mean, I did watch all the debates. Even though they were all pretty much the same shit. A bunch of lying, polite ass rebuttals and a few jabs. And Mitt Romney’s listening face.


GO VOTE! (Unless you don’t want to. Fuck it.)
Peace, my dudes. *rides donkey in African safari, tossing molotovs at elephants* (only figuratively)


When Outdoors, Liquor Is The Devil

Being from New York City, I’ve seen a lot of drunk assholes roaming the streets late at night.  What makes them assholes?… the roaming.  Having no destination.  Lingering  like the stinky feet smell in the ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese’s.  Being outside while drunk for no apparent reason is just asking for trouble.

For instance, let’s say a drunk dude and his sober friend are just standing on a corner, hanging out.  The drunk all of a sudden feels like a tough guy and wants to play fight with his boy.  In an attempt to make his friend flinch with a fake punch he bumps into a stranger, causing a little altercation.  Drunk assholes never try to reason, they just make things way worse than they already are.  The next thing you know, 7 goons emerge from dark alleys.  Talking won’t help at this point.  Those 7 goons are ready to cave anybody’s chest in because that’s what goons do.  They linger in dark alleys waiting for any little misunderstanding to use as a reason for violence.  Now all there is left to do is acquiesce and get beat up.  The sober dude is thinking “He’s too drunk to remember anything anyway.  If I make a run for it, I can save myself from an ass whooping and still be his friend.” *sigh* …. This guy.

In an attempt to scram, sober idiot still gets hurt pretty bad.  Drunky over there is getting Anderson Silva kicks to the head, metal pipes to the back and receiving nut shots with any and everything.  Sober nimrod believing that he can still be a semi-friend tries to collect his half-dead buddy’s belongings and gets pistol whipped in the back of the head.  Game Over.  You 2 have no more “Continues” left.  No respawns.  You’re done.  Better luck next time….if you survive for there to even be a next time. You two just got knocked the fuck out! (In my best Smokey impression)

It was an honest mistake that could have easily been avoided by simply going the fuck home or going somewhere.  Now, sober fuckface’s lip & drunk fuckhead’s eyeball are lingering.  Hanging out……the socket.  Bars have TV’s and cushioned seats.  Why stand outside, jackasses?  If not a bar, how about a party?  Where all that excess energy can be used for humiliating dance moves.  I’d rather look stupid than deformed any day.  Way to accomplish both you nincompoops.

People.  People, please…….if you’re planning to get drunk, plan to do it at a bar or a social gathering.  Any places where there are other drunk people and you’re surrounded by loved ones.  It’s safe and just way more fun anyway.

Tabernacle. *pimp slaps bitch to close curtains*