#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

Advertisements

#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20

 

Ok.  Let’s just get this rollin’ like I was while watching most of these shits.

 

Day 11: Hostel: Part II (2007)

 

Great movie.  Can’t remember the 1st movie but I sure as hell don’t remember enjoying it as much as this one.  I’m almost 100% sure this one was more intense.  Fucking bloodbath…LITERALLY.  Bitch showered in someone else’s heart juice.  What a mutt.  (Not a spoiler.)

Day 12: Hostel: Part III (2011)

 

 

You know what this is?  It’s pretty much Saw: Las Vegas except there’s no mind games.  It’s just people being captured and killed in different ways.  Not saying there’s no twist, but the movie doesn’t revolve around clues and trickery or …whatever.  I don’t know.  All I know is: Sick fuckheads place wagers on death choices and scenarios.  Halfway through the movie, I learned something that depreciated my perception of the movie and my hope for it to end well.  This shit went straight to DVD.  And to top the feces cake off with a little hint of ass blood….It’s not even directed by Eli Roth.  I was discouraged for the rest of the movie.  It turned out to be ok.  But it lacked compared to the last.  I just can’t quite put my finger on what was missing.  If the rumor of part 4 being in pre-production is true, Eli Roth is gonna need to reclaim his franchise before it becomes wack.  Ew, big greasy roaches.

 

Day 13: The Last Exorcism (2010)

 

To me, this movie was fucking entertaining…but not in a horrifying way.  It was just brilliant.  It reminded me of The Office.  The camera focus, the humor, the awkward side eyes.  It was just a great movie about a Reverend who doesn’t even believe in what he preaches and exercises.  It’s just a job to him.  He has one more “exorcism” to perform and he’s done with all of it.  Simple.  I recommend this one.  Even for people who don’t like horror films.  This one was my favorite of the bunch.  That’s a shocker to me being that I think no exorcism movie can touch the 1973 original.  I still strongly believe that…but this movie is just different.  It stood out to me.

 

Day 14: Scream 4 (2011)

 

 

I loved this because I hadn’t revisited any Scream movie for more than a decade, yet I knew what was going on.  The film did a great job at reminding the audience of what happened in the 1st 3 without recapping.  The intro was fresh, the ending was expected but still unpredictable.  It was obvious something crazy was gonna happen, I just couldn’t call it at all and then it just happened.  This movie was really good.  All the nostalgia this came with was good enough.  This installment of the series was still as fresh as the rest. ” New decade, new rules”.

 

Day 15: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

 

 

This one’s cool too. Although, it is a remake.  So it’s pretty much the same movie, for the most part, but with the advantage of technology.  The shit that pissed me off about this the most is that it’s not memorable.  I didn’t know it until I was looking through my ticket stub collection a few days later to learn that I actually went to see this one at the movies.  So why the fuck didn’t I remember AT ALL?  Not even after the movie was over.  I thought I just saw a movie for the 1st time.  I’m still perplexed.  Did I fall asleep at the movies?  Well, no.  Because I’m sure I haven’t done that since I was a kid.  Did I go with someone I wasn’t supposed to, so I blocked it out?  I have no clue.  The 1 part that was sort of familiar was in the fucking trailer so it threw me off.  I’m sure of one thing though….nobody gives a raw “Blue Waffle” fuck so i’ll just move it right along.  (The picture below appears to be the result of a woman being pissed about having blue waffles and stabbing it repeatedly.)

 

Day 16: Slither (2006)

 

This shit here is retarded.  Fuck this movie.  It’s kind of funny, but not funny enough.  It’s just nasty and stupid.  NEXT!

 

Day 17: Seed Of Chucky (2004)

 

 

I heard of comedy horrors.  But this is pure comedy.  Laugh-out-loud comedy.  I was dying the whole time.  It was intentional too.  Don Mancini must’ve figured out that Chucky’s sense of humor really resonates with the fans. Made room for more jokes to keep our attention.  We all know how horror movies can be such a drag at times.  Almost like this blog is sort of a drag.  I’ll just speed this up a bit.

 

Day 18: Red State (2011)

 

 

Sick religious zealots believe gays deserve to die.  So they capture them and you know the rest.  More action than horror.  Still very horrifying.  Good movie.  Different.

 

Day 19: Teeth (2007)

 

 

Bitch got pussy teeth.  Boys lose their manhood. … Get it?

 

 

Day 20: Devil (2010)

 

 

Notice how the pictures says “From The Mind Of M. Night Shyamalan”.  All this means is that FINALLY, someone went up to him and said, “Just give me your ideas and I’LL make it, you bitch ass nigga.”  And just like that, the only M. Night Shyamalan that’s actually good is born.

 

 

Well, there you have it.  Days 11-20.  Almost at the finish line.

 

Fuck this.  *horn grab piggy back rides blindfolded Satan*