#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10))

Scary. Movie. A Day. Month.

That’s right, mothafuckas!  It’s that time again.

Last time, I said I was seriously considering buying that “You’re Next“/Wyatt Family mask.  I completely forgot I said that and STILL ended up owning one.  That’s how you know I wasn’t bullshitting.  So nobody can give me a smiley side-eye and be like, “mmMMMMohMYGOD!….” Nope, can’t do it.

Obviously, the blogging completely stopped after a while but I enjoy doing this so much I keep coming back.

Like that one hip-hop ghost said: “It’s gettin’ spooky.”

Day 1: The Babadook (2014)

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Pretty fucking good!  This movie is almost perfectly paced. I say almost because it’s subjective.  The way you feel about the characters at the end of the story is the complete opposite of what you feel about them at the beginning and the movie gives you time to digest.  In wrestling, it’s called a “double turn” when there’s a definitive good guy and bad guy going in to the match and by the end of the match, there’s an unquestionable role reversal.  That’s sort of what happens here.

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I already hate kids but this movie purposely makes the viewer hate Samuel, a little boy who lost his father in a car crash on the way to the hospital while he was in his mother’s belly on the passenger side. Yes, regardless of how sad that is, he’s still such a little shit, you can’t help but hate him.  But that hatred subsides as the story unfolds.  Even his own mother told him to, and I quote, “eat shit” and though at that moment you no longer hate Samuel as much, it’s still great to see a kid get told off like that.  And that’s why, ladies & gentlemen, this movie is right up my alley.

Oh by the way, great sound effects.  They say the most successful horror movies use all of our senses against us.  I would consider this one to be a success.  I think I wanna be the Babadook for Halloween.

Day 2: ATM (2012)

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So, some sicko masterminds a torture method in which he puts victims in a situation where they eventually die on their own as opposed to assaulting them manually, I guess? Anyway, I ain’t mad at this one. I would watch a sequel, which is heavily hinted towards at the end of the movie. Sicko is back to the drawing board, formulating his next plan and he numbers the ATM machines. Of course, the sequel tease is blatant when the shot focuses on the blueprint with “ATM 2” written on it.

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This movie outsmarts the victims though.  Josh ‘Peck’erhead was at fault for them being in that situation in the first place and not once did he think to hit the “killer” in the head with that liquor bottle he had the whole time. He pissed me off.

Some “Good Ol’ JR” opportunities in this movie. Not spoiling anything but I did get to scream, “BAH GAWD, SHE’S BROKEN IN HALF!” at one point.

So far this #ScaryMovieADayMonth, dogs got the most sympathy from me.

Day 3: Would You Rather (2012)

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Third IFC Film in a row and I didn’t plan this. I’m sure it won’t be the last on this list.

This movie is fuuuuucked uuuuup!  The one message I got from this movie is life can be fucked up and you just can’t do anything about it.  Unlike Sasha Grey’s knees which are surprisingly unblemished, apparently.  Who’da thunk?  She must’ve done something to them.  But enough about her because her character was a stone cold bitch and I’m getting mad thinking about her.

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There.  That’s all I got from watching this.  If you know the game and you like horror, watch this.

Oh, right. Jeffrey Combs did a PHENOMENAL job at being the villain.

 Day 4: Dead Silence (2007)

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OK. You fuckers got me again. I can’t lie.  Once I read the words, “From the creators of Saw“, I should’ve known some shit was gonna come out of nowhere at the end.  I was caught off guard. On top of that, Donnie Wahlberg is in this movie and he looks like he just put on a mustache and shot this during Saw lunch breaks.  Even the score screamed Saw.

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However, unlike the Saw movies, this one was largely uninteresting.  It was only ‘ok’ because of the ending.  The main character looking like a poor man’s Patrick Swayze doesn’t help either.  I did really enjoy the parts where it got dead silent because it opened the door for some effective jump scares.  You know it’s coming when it gets quiet but you don’t know exactly when the scare comes. So there’s that and the ending; the only things I liked about Dead Silence.  Oh yeah, and that old lady Mary Saw saying, “Come close-ah”.

Day 5: Re-Animator (1985)

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Entertainment Weekly has a point.  This was fantastic!  The only problem is there’s no good way of ending some of these movies.  I’m starting to believe good movies have bad or abrupt endings because it’s such a ride from the beginning, the fun is ruined when it’s over.  It’s so worth watching though.  I’ll show you why it’s worth watching.

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It is what you think.  What you see here is a little thing I like to call “head head”. Fucking sick, right?

Here’s another thing that’s sick but not in the same way.  After the movie was over, I took my ass over to IMDB to learn more about the awesomeness I had just finished watching and I was amazed to find out that the scientist in this movie is the same person that played the villain in Would You Rather. FUCKING JEFFREY COMBS! Holy shit, he looked so different 30 years ago.  I watched both these movies and had no clue they were the same person.  Still wouldn’t know if it weren’t for IMDB.

But yo……. “head head” though.

Day 6: Poltergeist (2015)

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“Maybe someone should go through (the portal) to help Maddy find her way out”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

YES THE FUCK IT IS!  Nobody wanna go in there, bihh!  Who knows where that shit leads.  It’s not like you literally end up inside a TV.  That’s not even physically possible, especially nowadays with the flat screens and whatnot.  When I saw where that portal led later on in the movie I said fuck THAT!  Hell naw.  Same shit I said about this cast. Hell naw.  Shit was weak. Except for the little girl with the “gift”.  She’s the cutest thing.  Even with that in the back of my mind, I had a blast watching this.

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It’s a modernization of the original which is, again, what all remakes are for the most part. Plasma TV’s, tablets, drones, etc.  I don’t see how a man can be in any mood to make jokey comments when his daughter is mysteriously missing though, I hated that part. Other than that, I didn’t sit there and pick apart all the similarities and differences from the original so I really liked it.

Day 7: The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

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As soon as I saw Bree Olson’s face on my screen, I closed my room door.  I knew it was about get ugly.  Boy, was I right.  Castration, kidney rape, Tiny Lester Jr. …. it was just a repulsive piece of shit.  I mean, there’s a reason why it got a 2.2 out of 10 on Rotten Tomatoes.  It begins with the ending of part 2 being watched by the two sick motherfuckers from the first 2 movies as different characters.

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So it turned out to be a movie in a movie in a movie and we’re supposed to believe they’re different because now the fat meatball has a mustache and the toothpick with legs is bald. Tom Six, the filmmaker responsible for all three of these repugnant movies, put himself in the movie to play himself.  *sigh*  It’s just terrible. There’s not much more I can say.  SO bad. Oh my God. I’m done.  Eric Roberts, why?

Day 8: Bad Milo! (2013)

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This is the cutest horror movie I’ve ever seen.  Look at that little guy.  Besides the fact that he came out of a man’s ass and he eats people alive, you can’t look at Milo without your heart melting.  I don’t know if the comedy aspect of this movie works.  It’s not a good movie, really.  But when Milo is on the screen, it becomes impossible to not enjoy.

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This is the stuff 80’s movies were made of.  Those movies back then could be horrible but you liked them because they had a message or a full cast of familiar faces.  CGI has taken over cinema and if they can just bring back prosthetic props, movies can be special again.  Just look at Bad Milo!  It kept CGI to a minimum and it was nice to look at.

Day 9: Vile (2011)

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Netflix, I hate you.  I can’t believe how poor the quality of this movie is.  Only way I’d be impressed is if someone told me the budget was $0.00.  You see, the idea for this movie is decent.  Even the story was complete with a somewhat satisfying ending.  It’s too bad this movie is painful to watch.

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Let me be clear.  That wasn’t a pun.  Shitty score, shitty editing, 98% was shitty acting….. shitty, shitty, shitty.  This is the one movie in which sex didn’t get anyone killed but instead could have saved lives and yet not a single cheek was clapped.  And even after a character suggested that sex could save their lives, they went ahead and physically tortured each other anyway.  Fail is not the word.

Day 10: The Green Inferno (2015)

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Eli Roth, you. are. that. NIGGA!

The Green Inferno is only 2 weeks old, so I’ll keep it discreet.
I was so excited for this, I went straight to the movie theater after a long day at Comic Con.  I first heard about this movie in 2013 on WWE’s Chris Jericho’s podcast, Talk is Jericho, when he interviewed the master of horror that is Eli Roth.  He spoke about filming a movie in the Amazon rain forest with villagers and having to learn to communicate with them to get them to act as cannibals.  He said he realized these people had no concept of what a movie is because they had never seen one before.  So he brought a TV to them and had them watch the movie Cannibal Holocaust.  Also, currency is useless to them so he paid them in food and clothes for their time.  The villagers tried to offer Roth a two year old child as a ‘thank you’ and when I heard that shit, I said NAAAAH.  I HAD to see how this movie turned out.  Fucking GREAT is how it turned out!

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Seeds are planted at the very beginning and then the movie takes you on an adventure.  The story is so compelling, it captures you at the moment, making you sort of forget those seeds.  Then before you know it, you’re all like, “Oh shit!” Trust me, you are. I know because i literally murmured those words when the dots connected.

Storytelling at it’s finest comes with characters that give you reasons to care for them. Listen, bruh. The main character, Justine, played by Lorenza Izzo, is so naturally beautiful, I cared about her instantly. Of course, I cared more as the character developed.  Being attracted to the lead is no mistake either.

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Casting the right actors to captivate the audience is crucial and this film hit a home run in that field.  I genuinely hated the characters I was supposed to hate, worried for the morally sound ones and laughed out loud at my nigga Juni Cortez from Spy Kids LMAO!  There were other characters that were funny but he was cast for the sole purpose of making the audience laugh even when he’s not joking.

There might’ve been one or two cheesy parts but I’m sure it’s fine for the casual moviegoer.  Nothing too stupid.  For the most part, this movie deals with real fears that we all have.  AND THE GORE!

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Fuck, this shit looked real.  Basic shit like vomit was done really well too.  I could talk about this shit all day.  VERY entertaining.

Wow, that was quick.  10 movies just like that.

As I creep on these harlots at New York Comic Con, I will be thinking about what the next 10 movies might be.  They damn sure will be picked more carefully though. A lot of these were booty and I blame Netflix for providing trash in abundance.

Signing out.  *jumps out of moving Kingda Ka with a hang glider*