#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 1-10)

Fresh off New York Comic Con babyyyy! That’s right gore whores and ravenous savages, we back! #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016: the 4G LTE edition.  My laptop did a corkscrew moonsault off the top rope and botched the landing. RIP. But we here! IT’S LIT!……FACTS!……..DEADASS!

Let’s get it started.

Day 1: 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

I watched the trailer for this early in the year and I said, “Yup. I’m in there.”  Ended up saving it for October to carry on the tradition. Talk about commi….commitm… what’s the word again? Oh, commitment? I don’t know what that is. Nevermind. I already went to see a bunch of movies this year. I wasn’t about to live in the movie theater so I chilled.  I waited fucking months. I’m not gonna say it’s great and I’m not gonna say its horrible. I finally saw it….. and I wanna hit about 1,000 of dem folks like YAAAAH! You know what I’m talkin’ about? … Yes you do! All the kids are doing it on the internet. YAAAH! I loved it! I never been so. …you know what? I can’t even say what I want cuz i fucking hate spoilers and it cant be told. It needs to be seent. Just know…..I swung my arm like Michael Jordan after “The Shot” in Game 5 as soon as the movie was over cuz i was so pumped. YAAAH! J.J. Abrams, you did it again my nigga.

Day 2: JeruZalem (2016)

One word kept popping in my head while I watched. Laughable.
But I checked the budget for this movie right now while writing this and. ….. I’m shocked. I remember noticing how good the resolution was while I watched. It was nice and clear, very HD. Fucking beautiful. I also remember thinking how some of the effects weren’t good enough for Youtube. CGI blood is rarely any good regardless, so I kind of let that part slide. In retrospect, however, for a movie with a $160,000 budget, I’m actually impressed. They did a lot with that 160k.  Unfortunately, the majority of what they did had ridiculous qualities. There was so much potential there, they got a fair amount of things right but it pales in comparison to the amount of terrible shit. Oh my God. No.

Day 3: Hush (2016)

Just imagine if you lived alone in the woods, you’re deaf and your voice is temporary paralyzed due to some kind of infection. FUCK NO.

I recommend this movie only to people who live with other people. If you live alone, you might not want this movie memory stored in the back of your brain. It will remind you you’re alone every night. Don’t do it.

Anyway, I liked it.

So far, good or bad, every movie has at least for a scene made me wince and put my hand on my mouth in an attempt to stop my jaw from literally dropping, popping and locking like Ice JJ Fish.

Day 4: Dementia (2015)

Fam… What kind of hardware store sells Barbie dolls? Am i missing something? Anyway…this movie has the most abrupt, non-abrupt ending. That’s the only way I can think to put it. It was weird because it felt unfinished but it just worked somehow. Despite being a really low budget film, it’s actually pretty good thanks to the story and some performances. It’s a fucked up movie with layers to that shit.

Day 5: Darling (2016)

Really quick…It’s short but feels long, not entirely in a bad way. It’s weird as hell. The movie consists of 100% still shots, creepy sounds and flashes. It has a Marvel adjace mid-credit scene, the protagonist is shown naked and has a boy body. It feels like a short film, it does indeed get real in some scenes, I would only recommend this to die hard horror fans who would watch anything horror. Not something I would recommend to anyone else.

Day 6: Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Pretty sure this movie deserves more than just random miniscule remarks but here I go anyway.

Dog actors are usually fun to watch to try and guess how they were manipulated into “acting”. Here, it’s obvious. A big juicy steak was dangled across his face. Proof: The one bead of drool the editors failed to remove in post production.
What is Ving Rhames’ character? Mike Tyson? It’s the only reason to be wearing a kufi and petting a flying rat on a Brooklyn rooftop.
Anyway, this movie is revered with good reason. It’s confusing as shit but there are enough classic terrifying scenes to keep this one in “Scariest Movie Moments” lists til this day.

Day 7: Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Listen, man. I picked this cuz I wanted something easy to watch. No, not Megan Fox. I’m talking about Amanda Seyfried’s beautiful features. Top 5 eyes/lips/dimples combination of all time. Let’s take a moment…

*slow exhale* Yep… very easy on the eyes. And that she was. Except this movie is just….. *sigh* As a film, no thank you. If you put yourself in a high school freshman girl’s shoes and already admire Juno for its quirky nature, you can see what this movie tried to do. I didn’t care about the quality much as I was barely watching it on a Comic Con line, catching only the little bit of action it has to offer. I liked 7% of this movie. Take it as you will.

Day 8: The Boy (2016)

Lauren Cohan, we love you. We do. You are bae and your American accent is sweet. This movie builds really well. There was one scene that made me go, “Uh oh. That’s it. Everything is fucked”. And then it was ruined. What is this? Why is he so tall? Why is he… what is …. huh??? I don’t know. There’s plenty of really well done aspects to this movie but honestly, I can’t seem to remember it well even though it was a few hours ago. I wouldn’t mind trying again but not for a long time.

Day 9: The Purge: Election Year (2016)

Over a fucking candy bar? Fuck outta here with these stereotypes and bum ass acting. This movie is awful. 3rd times the charm. I’m DONE with this franchise.  It sucks. Keep the ‘Purge’ movies away from me and my family.

Day 10: Deathgasm (2015)

I am pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think it would be as enjoyable as it was. I thought it was consistently really funny. It’s a gore fest, it’s demonic, there’s weaponized dildos, boobs, it’s fucking Metal….literally. Death Metal everywhere. This is geared toward fans that listen to that genre of music but it’s not exclusive to them. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m watching the shit out of the sequel when it’s out. This is why you should try different shit. You never know.

1/3 of October down. Had to keep it short. It’s not the same on a phone app.

Bye, bitches! *does Lil’ Kim “Quiet Storm” dance on moving short bus*

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (Spoiler-Free Hood Review)

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Ayo wuz poppin’, bitch ass niggaz!  Yo, before I start this shit, nah mean, I wanna shout out all the real Star Wars fans out there, b.  On some real shit. REAL fans.  Mothafuckas that been waitin’ 30 suttin years for a good Star Wars movie.  Word.  Like, I don’t claim to be y’all cuz… shit, I ain’t 30, scrap.

I been playing the lil’ video games and shit since I was like 5 years old but I seent da umm…. da omm… da prequels and shit growin’ up.  Like part 1 and 2 in the theaters wit my fawvuh, you feel me?  I remember episode 2 being iight & shit.  I was prolly high off contact & shit from being in Harlem so much but I was a kid tho, son.  I was used to movies like Friday and Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.

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Shit like that.  You show me a war in outer space wit laser beams and little old wrinkly, green mothafuckas wit telekinesis and I’ma bug the fuck out, you see what I’m sayin’?  So….I just watched the whole shit back-ta-back and I gotta say, dem prequels was hot gahbage, b.  Word up. Shits was not good.  At ALL, shun.  Part 3 was aight and whatever but naaah.  Prequels was weaker than a abortion on Muva’s Day and shit, righ?  So I ain’t a hardcore fan but I fuck wit the original trilogy shit heavy namsayin’?  So I’m at the movies on Friday cuz we got the reserved joints that sold out in minutes, shout out to the plug! Shit was packed!  Every room was fucking Star Wars, dog!  Nuffin else.  But fuck all lat, let me get to it.2000px-Star_Wars_Logo.svgSo the shit start, same it always did. “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away……” …..PRAAAAHHNN! The fucking theme song caught me off guard like always and shit and then the words scroll up the screen. I’m reading the shit and in my head I’m like, “Yo gawd….this shit boutta be FIRE!”
So whatever, shit happens. We introduced to the new characters. Off the bat, we saw Kylo Ren, the new villain. Darth Vader wannabe and shit.

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We meet Finn … Myyy nigga.  First black MAIN character in Star Wars.  Salute to the young gawd.  He killed it!  He a Stormtrooper that feels like “naaah fuck this.  These mothafuckas evil, I gotta get the fuck outta here” type shit.  Then the chick name is Rey.  She’s a fucking G!  She’s a scavenger from the planet Jakku.  Her first movie role and she fucking did her thing, goddamn!  She’s outta here!  She’s a mothafuckin’ star, yo.  For real.  Who else?  Omm… the little soccer ball lookin’ robot nigga you see in Target and Walmart and shit.  Yeah, dat nigga.  BB-8.

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I ain’t give a fuck about him when I seent the hype about him before the movie came out.  But when the movie came on, I cared about the little guy.  I dunno how the director, J.J. Abrams did this shit but the nigga made me feel some type of way about a fucking droid, yo.  Like, this little robot was funny, cute-no-homo, emotional, all the above.  I guess further into the future, these mothafuckas got human emotion programmed into em or whatever.  Shit, idk.  Poe Dameron, 1st Latino in a Star Wars joint. Salute to him too, yo. And shout out to all my rice and beans niggaz, y’heardt?  He a pilot for the Resistance, the Military movement that fights against the omm…. the First Order and shit, Kylo Ren and em.  That nigga can FLY, b! There’s mad other characters, but those the main ones.  Then we got the OGs. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, all them old ass niggaz.  And the shit start to feel like it really continue a bunch of years after episode 6 left off.  By the way, I’m using the reguluh numbers cuz I know a few niggaz dat don’t know what the fuck a roman numeral is, ya dig?

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But yeah, these new characters go on a adventure, paths cross, woopty woo, all that shit.  I ain’t gon say shit cuz everything is a potential spoiler.  There’s a reason why we don’t see Luke Skywalker in the trailers.  There’s mad shit going on, mad new questions being raised, mad action, dope ass acting, humor, touchy moments, fucking classic light saber battles.  Yeah.  CLASSIC, nigga.  You heard me.  Fuck else imma say?  The shit was straight fire, b.  What’s the shit ppl say?  Phenomen-oh?  Masterfoe?  Yeah, fuck it.  All that shit. This movie is incredi-bow, like idk how else to put it bruh.  The music, sound effects, the signature Star Wars editing, FLAMES!  I’ma keep it all the way real. …….I almost shed a quick one, yo.  Like real quick, like… it ain’t come down and shit.  My nigga Blaze was right next to me, nah mean? I wasn’t trynna be a bitch and cry in public and shit but yeah.  It was there, son.  The shit was exciting. I man’d up tho, word.  Started clappin’ and shit wit the crowd to keep it together.

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But yeah umm….my niggaz, GO. SEE. THIS. MOVIE.  You never seen a Star Wars movie?  Don’t matter, fuck that.  It’s way better if you watch the OG trilogy first but to keep it a thousand, this is a new generation movie right here.  I was watching a Youtuber review this movie and he was like umm… he saw a little girl in the Disney store or whateva, going crazy about the female lead character, Rey and shit. There was princess dolls everywhere but the girl only cared about the Rey doll and the light saber in her hand.  And he was like it’s cool to see young kids who prolly don’t know shit about Star Wars getting excited about it like he did with Luke Skywalker and the original movie.  And how there was a black family buying the doll or whatever of the Finn character and how cool it is to have minorities represented in this universe finally.  I thought that shit was really dope, like…. it’s never too late to check Star Wars out if you curious why the fuck people love it so much, you feel me?  You curious but don’t wanna do your homework?  It is what it is, b.  That’s fine.  This movie is so fucking good tho, you could watch it as a stand-alone movie and get lost in the sauce, b. And you won’t really be lost like dat. star-wars-the-force-awakens-full-trailer-18-02-pm-155984I ain’t saying shit else cuz I might slip up and give some shit away and then I’m a snitch.  Fuck outta here.  All I know is, I’m watching this mothafucka again this week in IMAX. Regular IMAX. Fuck that 3D shit.  Shit trash.  Iz a gimmick.  This movie was so fire, that i ain’t even notice how much 3D effects it lacked. Shit, that’s wassup tho.  If 3D is the focus of the movie, 12 times out of 10 the shit is sanitation gar-baj like BIG say. You could tell this movie ain’t give a fuck about that.  They cared about tellin’ a story.  I could do without the fucking doofy glasses too, b.  Anyway, I’m ramblin’, dick.

So what have we learned today children?
1. This movie str8 up fire.
2. Nerds was right all along to get they pussies wet over this shit and
3. J.J. Abrams is dat nigga.

Oh yeah, and fuck 3D.

I’ma give this muvafucka here a

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And a “Real Nigga” Seal of Approval.  Word.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is next, my niggas!  I’m fuckin’ dyin’ for this shit to come out.  I’ll smack somebody grandma for no reason, I’m so hype.

Anyway, may the force be with all you mothafuckaz. Peace.