#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10))

Scary. Movie. A Day. Month.

That’s right, mothafuckas!  It’s that time again.

Last time, I said I was seriously considering buying that “You’re Next“/Wyatt Family mask.  I completely forgot I said that and STILL ended up owning one.  That’s how you know I wasn’t bullshitting.  So nobody can give me a smiley side-eye and be like, “mmMMMMohMYGOD!….” Nope, can’t do it.

Obviously, the blogging completely stopped after a while but I enjoy doing this so much I keep coming back.

Like that one hip-hop ghost said: “It’s gettin’ spooky.”

Day 1: The Babadook (2014)

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Pretty fucking good!  This movie is almost perfectly paced. I say almost because it’s subjective.  The way you feel about the characters at the end of the story is the complete opposite of what you feel about them at the beginning and the movie gives you time to digest.  In wrestling, it’s called a “double turn” when there’s a definitive good guy and bad guy going in to the match and by the end of the match, there’s an unquestionable role reversal.  That’s sort of what happens here.

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I already hate kids but this movie purposely makes the viewer hate Samuel, a little boy who lost his father in a car crash on the way to the hospital while he was in his mother’s belly on the passenger side. Yes, regardless of how sad that is, he’s still such a little shit, you can’t help but hate him.  But that hatred subsides as the story unfolds.  Even his own mother told him to, and I quote, “eat shit” and though at that moment you no longer hate Samuel as much, it’s still great to see a kid get told off like that.  And that’s why, ladies & gentlemen, this movie is right up my alley.

Oh by the way, great sound effects.  They say the most successful horror movies use all of our senses against us.  I would consider this one to be a success.  I think I wanna be the Babadook for Halloween.

Day 2: ATM (2012)

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So, some sicko masterminds a torture method in which he puts victims in a situation where they eventually die on their own as opposed to assaulting them manually, I guess? Anyway, I ain’t mad at this one. I would watch a sequel, which is heavily hinted towards at the end of the movie. Sicko is back to the drawing board, formulating his next plan and he numbers the ATM machines. Of course, the sequel tease is blatant when the shot focuses on the blueprint with “ATM 2” written on it.

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This movie outsmarts the victims though.  Josh ‘Peck’erhead was at fault for them being in that situation in the first place and not once did he think to hit the “killer” in the head with that liquor bottle he had the whole time. He pissed me off.

Some “Good Ol’ JR” opportunities in this movie. Not spoiling anything but I did get to scream, “BAH GAWD, SHE’S BROKEN IN HALF!” at one point.

So far this #ScaryMovieADayMonth, dogs got the most sympathy from me.

Day 3: Would You Rather (2012)

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Third IFC Film in a row and I didn’t plan this. I’m sure it won’t be the last on this list.

This movie is fuuuuucked uuuuup!  The one message I got from this movie is life can be fucked up and you just can’t do anything about it.  Unlike Sasha Grey’s knees which are surprisingly unblemished, apparently.  Who’da thunk?  She must’ve done something to them.  But enough about her because her character was a stone cold bitch and I’m getting mad thinking about her.

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There.  That’s all I got from watching this.  If you know the game and you like horror, watch this.

Oh, right. Jeffrey Combs did a PHENOMENAL job at being the villain.

 Day 4: Dead Silence (2007)

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OK. You fuckers got me again. I can’t lie.  Once I read the words, “From the creators of Saw“, I should’ve known some shit was gonna come out of nowhere at the end.  I was caught off guard. On top of that, Donnie Wahlberg is in this movie and he looks like he just put on a mustache and shot this during Saw lunch breaks.  Even the score screamed Saw.

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However, unlike the Saw movies, this one was largely uninteresting.  It was only ‘ok’ because of the ending.  The main character looking like a poor man’s Patrick Swayze doesn’t help either.  I did really enjoy the parts where it got dead silent because it opened the door for some effective jump scares.  You know it’s coming when it gets quiet but you don’t know exactly when the scare comes. So there’s that and the ending; the only things I liked about Dead Silence.  Oh yeah, and that old lady Mary Saw saying, “Come close-ah”.

Day 5: Re-Animator (1985)

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Entertainment Weekly has a point.  This was fantastic!  The only problem is there’s no good way of ending some of these movies.  I’m starting to believe good movies have bad or abrupt endings because it’s such a ride from the beginning, the fun is ruined when it’s over.  It’s so worth watching though.  I’ll show you why it’s worth watching.

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It is what you think.  What you see here is a little thing I like to call “head head”. Fucking sick, right?

Here’s another thing that’s sick but not in the same way.  After the movie was over, I took my ass over to IMDB to learn more about the awesomeness I had just finished watching and I was amazed to find out that the scientist in this movie is the same person that played the villain in Would You Rather. FUCKING JEFFREY COMBS! Holy shit, he looked so different 30 years ago.  I watched both these movies and had no clue they were the same person.  Still wouldn’t know if it weren’t for IMDB.

But yo……. “head head” though.

Day 6: Poltergeist (2015)

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“Maybe someone should go through (the portal) to help Maddy find her way out”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

YES THE FUCK IT IS!  Nobody wanna go in there, bihh!  Who knows where that shit leads.  It’s not like you literally end up inside a TV.  That’s not even physically possible, especially nowadays with the flat screens and whatnot.  When I saw where that portal led later on in the movie I said fuck THAT!  Hell naw.  Same shit I said about this cast. Hell naw.  Shit was weak. Except for the little girl with the “gift”.  She’s the cutest thing.  Even with that in the back of my mind, I had a blast watching this.

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It’s a modernization of the original which is, again, what all remakes are for the most part. Plasma TV’s, tablets, drones, etc.  I don’t see how a man can be in any mood to make jokey comments when his daughter is mysteriously missing though, I hated that part. Other than that, I didn’t sit there and pick apart all the similarities and differences from the original so I really liked it.

Day 7: The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

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As soon as I saw Bree Olson’s face on my screen, I closed my room door.  I knew it was about get ugly.  Boy, was I right.  Castration, kidney rape, Tiny Lester Jr. …. it was just a repulsive piece of shit.  I mean, there’s a reason why it got a 2.2 out of 10 on Rotten Tomatoes.  It begins with the ending of part 2 being watched by the two sick motherfuckers from the first 2 movies as different characters.

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So it turned out to be a movie in a movie in a movie and we’re supposed to believe they’re different because now the fat meatball has a mustache and the toothpick with legs is bald. Tom Six, the filmmaker responsible for all three of these repugnant movies, put himself in the movie to play himself.  *sigh*  It’s just terrible. There’s not much more I can say.  SO bad. Oh my God. I’m done.  Eric Roberts, why?

Day 8: Bad Milo! (2013)

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This is the cutest horror movie I’ve ever seen.  Look at that little guy.  Besides the fact that he came out of a man’s ass and he eats people alive, you can’t look at Milo without your heart melting.  I don’t know if the comedy aspect of this movie works.  It’s not a good movie, really.  But when Milo is on the screen, it becomes impossible to not enjoy.

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This is the stuff 80’s movies were made of.  Those movies back then could be horrible but you liked them because they had a message or a full cast of familiar faces.  CGI has taken over cinema and if they can just bring back prosthetic props, movies can be special again.  Just look at Bad Milo!  It kept CGI to a minimum and it was nice to look at.

Day 9: Vile (2011)

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Netflix, I hate you.  I can’t believe how poor the quality of this movie is.  Only way I’d be impressed is if someone told me the budget was $0.00.  You see, the idea for this movie is decent.  Even the story was complete with a somewhat satisfying ending.  It’s too bad this movie is painful to watch.

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Let me be clear.  That wasn’t a pun.  Shitty score, shitty editing, 98% was shitty acting….. shitty, shitty, shitty.  This is the one movie in which sex didn’t get anyone killed but instead could have saved lives and yet not a single cheek was clapped.  And even after a character suggested that sex could save their lives, they went ahead and physically tortured each other anyway.  Fail is not the word.

Day 10: The Green Inferno (2015)

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Eli Roth, you. are. that. NIGGA!

The Green Inferno is only 2 weeks old, so I’ll keep it discreet.
I was so excited for this, I went straight to the movie theater after a long day at Comic Con.  I first heard about this movie in 2013 on WWE’s Chris Jericho’s podcast, Talk is Jericho, when he interviewed the master of horror that is Eli Roth.  He spoke about filming a movie in the Amazon rain forest with villagers and having to learn to communicate with them to get them to act as cannibals.  He said he realized these people had no concept of what a movie is because they had never seen one before.  So he brought a TV to them and had them watch the movie Cannibal Holocaust.  Also, currency is useless to them so he paid them in food and clothes for their time.  The villagers tried to offer Roth a two year old child as a ‘thank you’ and when I heard that shit, I said NAAAAH.  I HAD to see how this movie turned out.  Fucking GREAT is how it turned out!

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Seeds are planted at the very beginning and then the movie takes you on an adventure.  The story is so compelling, it captures you at the moment, making you sort of forget those seeds.  Then before you know it, you’re all like, “Oh shit!” Trust me, you are. I know because i literally murmured those words when the dots connected.

Storytelling at it’s finest comes with characters that give you reasons to care for them. Listen, bruh. The main character, Justine, played by Lorenza Izzo, is so naturally beautiful, I cared about her instantly. Of course, I cared more as the character developed.  Being attracted to the lead is no mistake either.

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Casting the right actors to captivate the audience is crucial and this film hit a home run in that field.  I genuinely hated the characters I was supposed to hate, worried for the morally sound ones and laughed out loud at my nigga Juni Cortez from Spy Kids LMAO!  There were other characters that were funny but he was cast for the sole purpose of making the audience laugh even when he’s not joking.

There might’ve been one or two cheesy parts but I’m sure it’s fine for the casual moviegoer.  Nothing too stupid.  For the most part, this movie deals with real fears that we all have.  AND THE GORE!

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Fuck, this shit looked real.  Basic shit like vomit was done really well too.  I could talk about this shit all day.  VERY entertaining.

Wow, that was quick.  10 movies just like that.

As I creep on these harlots at New York Comic Con, I will be thinking about what the next 10 movies might be.  They damn sure will be picked more carefully though. A lot of these were booty and I blame Netflix for providing trash in abundance.

Signing out.  *jumps out of moving Kingda Ka with a hang glider*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 11-20)

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Here I am.  I made it through the second batch of films despite the distractions.  This is usually the toughest part of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  It’s when my attention span is broken into little pieces, causing things like Fall TV show season premieres, NFL football and bae to finagle their way into my “free time” schedule.  I thought this would be a cake walk but my God, where does the time go?  It doesn’t help that I take 2 hours to watch a 90 minute movie.  My mind wanders and I find myself rewinding like a maniac.  Meanwhile, the DVR is about to burst and my iPod is dick & butt with podcasts that become irrelevant as the weeks blow by.  If you’re not sure what “dick & butt” means….. think about all the times you’ve been in the pit at a rock show or a crowded elevator.  How close your genitals came to brushing up against a pair of butt cheeks.  Yeah.  I just hope, fellas, there was always a lady behind and in front of you.

Anyhow, here are days 11-20 in short and sweet form to make it easy on the both of us.  Giddy up!

Day 11: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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“You have your mother’s eyes………and they were always too FUCKING CLOSE TOGETHER!” *stabs eyeball*

Seed of Chucky was hilarious but I wanted the old Chucky back.  The ferocious “Good Guy”.  The one who made jokes and puns right before and AFTER killing people, as opposed to joking around every chance he got.  And I got that with this movie.  Also, I can never get tired of seeing Chucky’s little feet walking to his next victim.  That little motherfucker is over-the-top with the killings too.

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Loved it, it was fun to watch and whaddya know?  This was a direct-to-video release, the first in the Chucky series, and it was better than the last one.  We live in a different time.  We can no longer treat these movies like they’re less important than theatrical releases especially when they’re this entertaining and have great surprises how Curse of Chucky had at the end.

Day 12: Candyman (1992)

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“Have you heard of Candyman?  I’ve heard of him, have you?”  “I’ve heard of some guy called the Candyman, have you heard of him?”  “Have you heard of…”

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Goddammit, was everything in the 90’s as dumb as these bitches asking the same question over and over?  Because that’s not how I remember it.  This movie is almost TOO 90’s.  Rusty sinks, empty lots, graffiti everywhere…  Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t bad….but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t bored the whole time.  Maybe the story is just old to me.  I can’t blame the movie because I’m the one who’s late.  I’ve been joking around about saying “Candyman” five times in front of my bathroom mirror, in the dark, since the 2nd grade.  I guess it would be scary as shit if I heard the black man’s voice after saying it five times.  His deep voice was hella dope though.  He could use it to serenade the hoes but instead, he murders the hoes.  Maybe his deep voice has something to do with having bees in his fucking mouth!

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Look at the look of struggle splattered on his face.  That’s what sacrifice looks like.  If i were to look up the word “struggle” right now, I’d probably….yup, found it.

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Only watch this for nostalgic purposes.  If you’ve never watched it, don’t.  Fuggedaboutit!

And now, here’s the series I alluded to in the last post. Here’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise!

Day 13: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

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Do I even need to talk about this one?  This is a certified clizznayee.  A CLASSIC!  Go on imdb.com and read the ‘Trivia’ section for this movie.  BRUH.

If The Exorcist didn’t exist, this would be the scariest movie of all-time.

Day 14: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

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So, the reason I chose to watch this franchise is because I had watched the original a bajillion times, and I watched the 2003 remake when it came out on Pay-Per-View.  One day, I was listening to a horror movie podcast when I heard that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 much more violent than the 1st one and possibly every other sequel.  I had to see it for myself so I figured why not just watch em all in a row?  Violent it was.  It also had humor in it which took away from the terror that is Leatherface.  Why the fuck was Dennis Hopper using a chainsaw more than Leatherface himself though?  Before I go any further, I’ll just say that it doesn’t get better than this one for this franchise when it comes to sequels.  It wasn’t great, but it’s far more entertaining than the rest of them.  The protagonist is pretty fucking attractive so it’s easy to watch.  Caroline Williams was a looker back in her day.

Day 15: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

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Kenan & Kel’s dad? Wtf are YOU doing here? … The only man to take the chainsaw revving skinner head-on.  The black man.  Respect.  But the respect ends there cuz this movie was a feces sandwich with cheese.  Leatherface looks corny.  It’s easy to read about movies and like them based on the directors explanation of the direction they took.  But I saw this dung salad with my own eyes and there’s no convincing me that it was worth anything when Leatherface wasn’t on my screen, which was too often for a movie titled, “Leatherface”.  In this case, it doesn’t even make sense.  I read that this was a reboot and a sequel at the same time.  HOW SWAY?!  Leatherface has a knee brace on in this movie implying that it’s a sequel since he accidentally sawed his leg in the 1st movie so that’s what the fuck it is to me.  Reboot? What the fuck is you talkin’ about, b?  Fuck outta here with that bullshit.  It’s a sequel and it’s terrible.

Day 16: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

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Shelved for 3 years, this one actually came out in ’97.  This movie has some similarities to the original so it’s already better than the last one.  This one, however, is more annoying.  Let me get the positive out the way before I go in.  Renée Zellweger shows these other bitches how it’s done in this movie.  When you see a motherfucker with a chainsaw coming at you, you do what my Zell-wigga Renée did.  RUN. LIKE. USAIN. BOLT.  This girl was hauling ass and she had a dress on.  If she tripped, which I can’t recall, she probably got right back up because she was OUT!  No “deer in the headlights” bullshit.  Get the fuck outta there immediately.  Good for her.

Now, the negatives.

“The Next Generation”.  Nobody gives a fuck about this new Sawyer family.  We want to see Leatherface killing.  He barely did anything here.  FUCK Matthew McConaughey and his whistling S’s.  Fuck him right to hell.  Taking up all the screen time, fuck is wrong with him?  Was there any dialogue in this bullshit?  I swear all I heard was annoying screams the whole time.  Oh, right.  There was dialogue.  I heard some heffer say “mucho quicko”.  “Mucho quicko”??? What in the blue hell is that?  Bitch?!  Don’t even think about spanish.  That’s unacceptable even to a fucking mute.  Mucho quicko.  You need mucho dicko in your mouth to keep shit like that from coming outta there, dumb bitch.  WHY?!  Who allowed this gah-bidge?  All they did was take from the 1st movie, dipped it in a tub of Bling Bling the bum’s sweet and sour looking excrement and sautéed it.

Day 17: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

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*Sigh*  What a breath of fresh air….  Holy shit!  This movie came out on October 17th!  What a dope coincidence that it landed 17th being that I just started the series spontaneously.  11 years exactly.  Wow.

I remember ordering this when it came out On Demand and loving it.  Still love this.  It’s savagely violent.  I almost couldn’t finish my food just by looking at the hitchhiker.  I remember this movie like it was yesterday but it still affects me.  It’s even better now because I developed a keen eye for little details by watching so many horror movies.  Subtle shit like the leak on the ceiling in the basement forming a puddle early in the movie and noticing that’s the reason there’s a flood by the time Jessica Biel gets thrown down there.  Before, I would have probably been like, “Why the fuck is the basement a pool?”

Speaking of Jessica Biel, watching this as an adult, I noticed she’s a stone cold bitch in this movie.  She bitches about the weed in the car, then she disrespects the weed, puts everybody in danger and gets an attitude with her boyfriend over it like it’s his fault.  …….and I STILL was thinking, “Well, helloooo there, snowflake.”  Her body is on fleek!

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Shout out to Marcus Nipsel and Michael Bay for trying their ALL to get her nipples rigid.  They succeeded briefly.  But props to Biel’s jugs for defying damn near every classic element.  She went from hiding in a meat freezer, to running through sprinklers, to running in heavy rain and her nipples didn’t even flinch.  Trust me, I checked.

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What else did I notice? …. A lot of Leatherface’s past is explained.  We get to see him sewing himself a new face and his bare face, all deformed from some skin disease.

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OH, this might be a reach but the fact that the group was on their way to a Skynyrd concert could be a play on words.  Leatherface?…..you see where I’m going here?  He’s a skinner.  Maybe it has nothing to do with that and they just really love Lynyrd Skynyrd. After all, they were blasting “Sweet Home Alabama” in the car.  I can go on forever about this movie.  It’s THAT good.

Day 18: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

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Who the fuck is Tommy? I thought his name was Jedidiah.  Anyway, Jordana Brewster is one fine bitch.  Why am I just now seeing this?  Good prequel to the 2003 remake.  One problem: When Chrissie hides in what appears to be a tub of blood at first, why is her face the only thing covered in blood?  The liquid is clear when it drops off of her and the knife.  Then when she gets out, she’s completely covered in blood. WHAT WAS THIS?!  I’ll tell you what it was.  The most obvious continuity error of all time.  The beginning of this movie could’ve passed as the music video for 2Pac’s “Brenda’s Got A Baby”.  “She wrapped the baby up and threw him in a traaash heap.”  Turns out, Leatherface was a dumpster baby.

Day 19: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

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This one starts where the original movie ended which was dope.  Leatherface’s name is Jed and not Tommy.  I was glad about that.  Trey Songz dies…..HALLELUJAH!  The man can’t act, I’m sorry.  ….. Oh look, a dead armadillo.  Oh, the weird chick from LOST! She’s uh…  veryyy…..very THOTful, if you will.  This, I didn’t get.  Why is the camera always pointed at her ass?  We get it, she has a nice ass.  But why?  Especially if you’re gonna show her ass in a thong later on in the movie, why would you keep focusing on her bu..oooh I see.  Of course.  Whore-shadowing.

Anyway, the scene where Leatherface sews his new face on has never been so graphic.  So that’s cool.  What’s not cool is the way the movie tried to make us feel for Leatherface a little.  Am I supposed to feel sympathy for this guy?  I don’t give a damn if you’re my mother, if you murder innocent people, I don’t bangs wit chu, bruh.  “Ladies makeup?  What a fruitcake!”

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this movie and watching this whole collection.

40 years of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  SWAG!

Day 20: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

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Oh, we got another anniversary here!  30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Had to end the 2nd trimester of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with a goddamn classic!  This movie pushed cinema boundaries.  Changed the fucking game.  The special effects still hold up til this day.  80’s movies have the best special effects because none of it was digital.  No CGI.  Everything was crafted brilliantly for the movies.  Blood & makeup, remote control robots, all the details in the background, all that shit.  By hand.

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A Nightmare On Elm Street was unique.  Some of the scenes in this movie still impress me.  They just don’t make them like this anymore.  There will never be another Freddy Krueger to me.  Robert Englund is so good, and he has this distinct face that played as much a part as the fedora, the striped sweater and the metal-clawed brown leather glove in making this character iconic.  It just worked.  Perfectly.

20 movies down.  11 to go.

Game face: ON.

See you fuckers in 11 days.  *hangs up blood-filled piñata and picks up chainsaw while blindfolded*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 21-31

 

Hurricane Sandy was a tragic bitch.  That heaux not only ruined lives, but she TOOK lives.  I can’t even begin to imagine how devastating it must feel to no longer have a home to go back to.  It’s sad and I’m extremely sympathetic towards the people who lost family, lost homes by water, lost homes by fire & the people who are sitting at home right now with no light or heat as the days get colder.  I truly am.  In addition to that, I heard Halloween has been postponed and rescheduled for Monday, November 5th.  There goes the spirit of Halloween.  I toyed around with the idea of extending #ScaryMovieADayMonth and ending it on the NEW Halloween date.  But I decided that if I DO watch horror movies between today & the 5th, it won’t be counted on the list.  So today is officially the last day of #SMADM.   Some of the best AND some of the worst movies on the entire month list are in this bunch right here.  Let’s get it crackin’!  Here are days 21-31:

 

Day 21:  The Shrine (2010)

 

This movie was pure gar-baj for way too long.  Although, once the suspense and horror started picking up, it was pretty decent.  Especially for a private independent company funded Canadian movie or whatever the fuck this was.  I guess I would deem this movie “ok”.  Still don’t recommend anything but a few main scenes which can most likely be viewed on the glorious site that is Youtube.  So go right ahead and check those out.  Just make sure you scroll right on by this shit when you see it pop up on your Netflix Instant screen.  Unless you wanna see shit like this in HD:

Day 22:  Osombie: The Axis Of Evil (2012)

 

This one HERE tho……… oh. my. Gawd.  Thee worst movie I have EVER ……. EVER seen!  This one was my fault completely.  I saw how wack it looked, I imagined how wack it could be, & I KNEW this piece of skunk shit had no Wikipedia page.  No Wikipedia page should have closed the deal.  I should have taken the idea of watching it & soccer kick that shit into the Hudson River.  But I went right ahead and pressed play anyway.  This shit here exceeded any expectation of wackness I could have ever imagined.  Boy, do I feel like the dumbest motherfucker on earth?  It’s like touching the pot after momma said it was hot.  Check this out though… After I watched this, I read a review that said this movie sucked.  But it also suggested that it’s good “turn-off-the-brain” fun.  FUCK. OUTTA. HERE.  Fam, the deaths looked infinitely fake, the jokes were not funny enough for an 8 year old, & to top the feces sundae with waxed dingleberries, O-fucking-sombie wasn’t even seen until the end!  After the intro, he disappeared for what felt like the entire movie!  Why else would anybody watch this trash?!  Nobody gives a rancid necrophilic fuck about these characters and their faggot ass relationships.  GOD!

 

 

Day 23:  Quarantine (2008)

 

Why did I put this movie off for so many years?  I don’t remember the trailer much but I never forgot about this picture.  And I never will.  Maybe it’s because this movie is one of the best modern horror films I have seen to date.  Definitely top 5 horror movies of the 21st century.  I don’t care if certain things don’t make sense or how many times the characters contradict themselves.  The truth is….shit happens.  And when it does, nobody is thinking about shit but “get me the fuck out of here” and “i don’t wanna die”.  It’s pretty simple.  And I simply watch horror movies to see and feel horror.  Quarantine embodied that.  Not necessarily just in a gory sense but every sense.  Suspense, vulnerability, death, limitations, desparation, confusion, mutation … I can’t remember what else.  But I do remember this shit was fire.  I would and WILL watch this one again.

 

Day 24:  Friday The 13th: Killer Cut Extended Edition (2009)

One thing about remakes:  Typical.  Some movies take different routes with familiar elements, some just cast current babyface stars and repeat the same thing.  Which is cool, I guess.  I only had one problem with this one.  I’m fully aware that I watched the extended version, but I researched the differences from the theatrical version and the scenes were just longer for no significant reason.  Some scenes just were changed in sequence.  The beginning was made in typical slasher movie fashion.  Drunk friends sitting around making piss drinking jokes, using the word “fish” as another term for pussy and of course, the fakest boobs Michael Bay & the casting crew can find.  Which is expected anyway.  Sex scenes are expected as well.  But this shit was entirely too long.  Again, I know I watched the long version but the regular one was long as fuck too.  Mad unnecessary.  The shit was basically softcore porn.  Ironically, “Brooklyn We Go Hard” was playing in the background while they got down & dirty.  I guess they DID go kinda hard for that Cinemax type sex scene.  Hard, softcore coitus, b.  Coitus = ass ramming.  For you simpletons.  All in all, good traditional fun with Jason Voorhees.

 

 

Day 25:  Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

 

 

I was young when the 1st one came out.  And I nearly shit my pants when I saw it.  So i’m not sure if this one wasn’t as scary to me because i’m older or because this one wasn’t filmed as a Handycam POV.  Not comparing it to the original, it was good.  All the confusion caused by ghosts possessing bodies is pretty cool and interesting enough to keep you from checking how much time is left in the movie every 15 minutes.  I just kind of wish I saw this when it came out.  I would probably like it more and fear shit like this.  I still remember wanting to see it but being too scared to every time I saw the billboard poster over the KFC that once existed around my way.  RIP beloved automatic door system equipped KFC.  (Homeless dudes ALWAYS opened the door for people.)  But yea, movie was iight.

 

Day 26:  Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Excerpt from a “Halloween: H2O” review

It’s not the greatest horror film there has ever been but there’s a lot of fun to be had in its 86 minute runtime and I can definitely think of worse ways to spend a gloomy, autumnal evening; watching Halloween: Resurrection for example.

Why couldn’t I have read this BEFORE I watched Resurrection?  Day 26 wasted on a movie that’s straight buns. Trash dookie.  Feces sandwich.  Day 26 hasn’t gone to waste like this since Diddy dropped all the Making The Band artists.  Why did I think watching a scary movie with Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks in it was a good idea?  Not even a comedy.  I could watch the entire Halloween series and skip over this one with no problem at all, and I have OCD.  That’s enough validation to grab this movie & pull up a 3-point range Kobe Bryant fade-away jumper in the triddash if you ask me.

Day 27:  The Omen (1976)

Classic.  Despite having less technological advances, 70’s & 80’s horror movies are just BETTER!  It’s like they had less to work with so they focused more on creepy mannerisms, vibes, & music.  And less on all the craziness.  A simple suicide by noose is enough.  I loved this movie.  Nothing special, but that’s what makes it special.  To me. It’s just pure DIABLO.  The music made for this movie is still haunt people today.  Fucking creepy ass music, gawd.  Matter fact, do me a favor.  Just press play and read the rest of this blog with this shit playing in the background.  Here you go:

 

“Sanguis Bibimus!  Corpus Edimus!”  I’m not gonna translate that satanic shit for y’all.  Google it if you’d like.  The funny shit is, the scariest part isn’t even in the song.  In the movie, they just have a woman chanting those 4 words between scenes & shit. LMAO!  This movie and The Exorcist back-to-back in one night?  Forget about it.  Need diapers on deck, g.  I’m telling y’all.  Little kids and old people are the evilest.

 

 

Day 28:  The Stuff (1985)

 

This shit was retarded.  The little kid is a hater and there’s just ice cream oozing all over the floors and walls.  I laughed.  But I liked it.  It was very 80’s.  It was weird as fuck when the mutations started.  Too weird.  I like weird.

Day 29:  The Thing (1982)

 

Once again, 80’s.  But this one was a little more advanced somehow.  Or is it that John Carpenter is the man? … Yea, that.  It might just have been his ability to make it look advance.  I have no clue how they did it but this movie had cooler special effects than a lot of movies today.  That’s why this one is critically acclaimed.  One of the best horror films of all time.  I realized that when I suddenly felt the urge to youtube scenes from the 1951 original, watch the remake that came out recently & call my dad to ask him if he still has the video game.  I would always see it on the dresser and ignore it.  I was oblivious to the awesomeness while he kept all the fun to himself.  LOL!

 

 

Day 30:  Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

 

 

I wasn’t planning on watching any of the sequels until I was told “No, dude….they’re all good.”  And even though IMDB said otherwise, I went for it.  I agreed.  Well, I haven’t seen the 3rd yet.  But i’m sure i’ll enjoy it.  Why? …. That’s right, kids!  Because it’s 80’s!  You just can’t beat the 80’s, bro.  It’s not like these sequels are all title.  They’re actual sequels.  Same cast (for the most part), progressive storyline, and connections.  I love shit like this.  Once again, the creepiest element in scary movies is used in this one.  Old people.  The “Beast” is scary as fuck.  He looks 100.  But at the time, he was only like 59 or 60.  He died soon after the movie of stomach cancer.  That might explain why he already looked dead.  After the movie, I did my routine fact dig-up research as I do with every movie and found out he was born in Washington Heights.  Now i’m haunted f or life thinking “What if his spirit still wanders around?  What if he lived in my apartment?”   This is the scariest old man i’ve ever seen & the motherfucker was born here.  But that’s what I wanted out of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  To be petrified.

 

 

Day 31: The Fog (1980)

 

 

” Just one more.  One more movie before 12.”  … Didn’t like it.  I’m gonna cut it some slack because it came out in 1980 which means it was filmed in the 70’s.  When I see a movie was released in the 80’s I have all these expectations.  But I have to consider how good this movie looked for a 70’s movie.  And that the idea of a fog traveling against the wind filled with vengeful ghosts was probably WAY scarier at the time of its release.  I can’t say this movie is good because Carpenter made it between Halloween & The Thing, 2 masterpieces.  So yea.  I’ll say it was ok.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Family Portrait Revisited (1988)

A documentary on the 1974 original.  Interesting stuff.

-Nightmares In Red, White & Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (2009)

The title says it all.  And that it was.  Great documentary.

 

I did it!  I watched a scary movie every single day without fail in the month of October to keep the spirit of Halloween floating way longer than it usually floats.  It should be like this every year.  Which is why i’m planning on doing this again next year.  Maybe I’ll watch all Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees next time.  Or split the month in categories.  I don’t know yet.  I do know that I’ll premeditate the next.   Welp, I won’t lose the spirit until November 5th so i’ll be watching scary shit until then.  They just won’t be listed.

 

As long as when I watch them, I don’t look like this:

 

But like this:

 

 

 

C’mon guys!  Let’s piss & shit our underwear with fear!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  *crushes & lines up candy corn on glass table*