#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

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Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 11-20)

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That’s right, Sir Poe.  That IS fucked!  I almost lost some sleep over these next 2 movies.  I said almost.

Day 11: The Sacrament (2013)

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Before I begin, this movie is supposed to be found footage, yet it’s scored.  I don’t think that’s a good thing but I also don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing considering the way it ends.

This shit fucked me up.  It’s unsettling.  It’s disturbing.  It’s nightmarish.

The Sacrament is closely based on a real-life tragedy that occurred in 1978 known as the Jonestown Massacre.  The largest single mass death until 9/11.  I’m conflicted because on one hand, I thought this film was well done.  On the other hand, I think it’s disrespectful.  To make something like this, a historical event, into a movie in the horror genre is flat out rude, in my opinion.  I don’t know why I feel that way because I do understand that what happened was horrific.  I don’t know.  I’m confused.

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If I were asked about this movie, I guess I would describe it personally as a kitschy one.  I’m not even sure if I’m using the word right but somehow, I appreciate The Sacrament.  I thought about it and I figured if I watched this without the preconceived notion that it’s a horror flick, I can view it as a historically incorrect dramatization of the story of Jonestown.

Day 12: The House of the Devil (2009)

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While reading on The Sacrament, I learned that producer Ti West is mostly known for The Innkeepers and The House of the Devil and so I decided to watch The House of the Devil.  I wanted to see what he was REALLY about and I always see the artsy movie poster on the internet.

This movie is set in the 80’s.  Not only that, it’s shot in 80’s style.  It looks like it came out back then.  The video quality is grainy, the opening credits, as you can see in the picture above, was … what it was, the music, the camera angles, the excessive use of slow zoom in and outs…. I. WAS. FLOORED.

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I kept googling the movie for its release date because I couldn’t believe this came out in 2009.  It’s that perfect.  I’m already a sucker for 80’s flicks so I was enamored with the style of this movie and the idea that these cinematographic techniques are still valuable today.  The protagonist is played by a gorgeous woman by the name of Jocelin Donahue, who did an incredible job at her role.  (She favorited 2 of my tweets where I gushed over the film so I’m gassed and shit.)  This shit was so on point, I bet the same person that figured out exactly what date was Ice Cube’s “Good Day” can put the references and lunar eclipse date together to figure out when this so-called “true” event happened.

Day 13: American Mary (2012)

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Easy on the eyes, easy on the ears, barely scary.  Not something you would watch on Halloween or anything.  However, American Mary is a better-than-good Canadian independent movie made by Jen and Sylvia, the Soska Sisters, whom I first was introduced to when I went to that See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel they were on at New York Comic Con in 2013.  It’s about a medical student who, like most students, is in dire need of some quick cash to pay her bills.  Things go awry (sort of) and she starts performing body modification procedures for a living.  Doesn’t sound bad, right?  Well, it wasn’t.

This movie is very original.  A refined piece of art.  I’ve never seen much like it.  Real members of the body mod community are featured, which adds authenticity to the film.  SPOILER ALERT!: American Mary had potential for a sequel until the end ruined any possibility of that happening. This could very well have been an origin story to a reprising character in horror.  Like I said before about Nell Sweetzer from The Last Exorcism, there needs to be more iconic women in horror films.  Katharine Isabelle is an excellent candidate after making this.  Even her character’s name, Mary Mason, sounds like a great, memorable name.  Why isn’t she a Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure yet?  You don’t need a sequel for that.

I don’t know how horrors are typically made in Canada, but if this is any indication, I think I like what they’re doing up there.

Day 14: Dead Alive (1992)

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I fucking loved this.  It was so fun to watch.  Blood splatters EVERYWHERE!  The comedy is so ridiculous, it’s entertaining.  There’s a baby scene that’s funny in the Mr. Bean way.  It’s a guy being a complete klutz with an infant in public.  Also, we see awesome use of a lawnmower and a blender.  Amazing effects.  There isn’t much more I can say besides this shit is lit.

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Oh, and I’m gonna start using, “Is that the girl with the donkey in the chamber?”

Day 15: Creep (2014)

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This shit was short as fuck.  But hey, the allotted time was enough to make me go, “Well, when is this guy gonna show signs of being a creep?”  Knowing the title of the film sucks because I was on the edge of my seat expecting creep shit to start happening.  It’s better to go in blind.  I’ll probably play this for my dad soon without letting him know what he’s watching.   At first, the “creep” is just a funny person who you actually feel sympathy for and you kind of start to feel like you want to be his friend.

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And then it’s like, “Oh no.  Wait a minute…that’s unacceptable.”  It’s just what was expected, for me.  If I didn’t know the name of the movie, I would’ve had a pit in my stomach because just a few minutes prior, this maniac would’ve seemed sweet to me.  He was far from that.  Good acting by Mark Duplass though.  Even knowing the title, his character being genuinely nice was believable.  Anyway, it felt like something was missing once the movie was over but that’s cuz the shit was short as hell.  I enjoyed it.

Day 16: The Stranger (2014)

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It’s possible that I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this kind of movie but I doubt it.  I know when a movie is rear beer.

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This movie is a drama, it wasn’t scary at all.  The story pissed me off way too many times and a lot of shit didn’t make sense.  I watched this for Lorenza Izzo and she’s barely in it.  Let’s move on before I get pissed off again.

Day 17: The Innkeepers (2011)

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Sara Paxton is a delight.  Her screams alone were entertaining.  They were hilarious at first when she was just startled….then shit got real.  YO.  There’s a few scenes in this movie that made me either jump or made my heart drop.  Shit.  Was.  TERRIFYING!   Hotels get scarier and scarier in my mind the more I watch these haunted hotel movies.  If the lobby ain’t poppin’, I ain’t droppin’       ……………my ……..luggage   ….there.

The point is, fuck quiet ass hotels, bihh.

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Day 18: We Are Still Here (2015)

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Oh my God! It’s Ms. “Head Head” herself, Barbara Crampton! Of course, I’m so slow, I didn’t notice until there was 20 minutes left in the movie…….and it’s the reason I had it on my list in the first place! Wow, bro. Wow.  This shit was iight, nah mean?  A lot of very good qualities.

First, the negative.  The souls in the house were scary as fuck when they were barely visible.  I didn’t like how they looked once they were in the light though.  They just look like hipsters with black face.  And why do they look like they belong on the hookah, bro?  They look like newly lit charcoal.  The ending is laughable.  It’s so abrupt and ridiculous to me.

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Now, the positive.  My Xbox remote was dying so I paused the movie and I put it to charge.  I hit resume as I was getting comfortable in my bed again and at the exact same time that I finally got settled in, the movie got quiet.  Before I could blink, the movie caught me SO GOOD with a jump scare, my knee jerk reaction was to bury my face in my hands.  I never felt so pussy in my life OMG!  I felt it, you guys.  I finally felt fear.  Some of the gore was amazing too.  And finally, Larry Fessenden is Jack Nicholson adjace.  Don’t ask me how that’s a positive. It just is.

Day 19: American Psycho (2000)

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What a bunch of pretentious assholes, eh?  At least familiarize yourself with your co-workers enough to remember who’s name belongs to who.  These guys walk around calling each other anything and no one cares.  But that wasn’t even the real issue. This guy Patrick Bateman is a serious fucking psychopath.  Running around killing people for no reason at all.  OR WAS HE?! Hmmmmm…….

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Oh, boo hoo! This movie is 15 years old.  I’m the last person on earth to watch it for certain because I always am.  I haven’t even watched the original Star Wars trilogy.  PUT YOUR GODDAMN COCK AWAY!  This ain’t a measuring contest.  I just never got around to it.  No worries, I finally own them.  But anyway, back to American Psycho.

15 years is enough time to deem something a classic, right?  The ending IS open to interpretation and it’s still talked about today.  I think it’s a classic.  Despite watching it only 48 hours ago.

Day 20: American Psycho 2 (2002)

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I’m impressed.  For an early 2000’s straight-to-video sequel to a movie that’s revered as one of the most notable of the decade, this movie is very smart despite the terrible ratings all over the internet.  All the credit goes to a young Mila Kunis for really selling her character as a desperate-to-become-professor’s-assistant criminology student.  It’s also easy to watch her little face on the screen.  Wait….young Mila Kunis?  She’s STILL young!  She’s only 32, still. HOW SWAY?!  She been on my TV forever.  Younger Mila, I should say.

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Listen, I get it.  This movie has some shitty qualities.  For one, this shit ain’t even scary, disturbing, offensive, NOTHING!  I get it.  Like the part where they show a picture of Patrick Bateman and it’s not even Christian Bale.  I get it, that was stupid.  Or like the part where the fire from the car explosion looks so fake and then they show the car on fire….REAL fire.  Like, why the fuck show the explosion at all?  It didn’t add anything to it.  I get it, shit was ass!  And who can forget Kunis jogging?  Easily the cheesiest jogging montage I’ve ever seen.  I GET IT! However, there’s plenty of good things.  The tie in to the 1st movie was decent.  The script wasn’t bad at all.  The nod to Bateman’s habit of talking about music right before he murders somebody.  A clear cut ending for the people that still struggle to make sense of the original’s ending.  Look.  Whatever, OK?  Given the stigma that sequels have, you probably won’t watch this anyway, so I’m done here.

BUT NOT ENTIRELY, Y’SEE?

We still have 11 days to go in October.  It ain’t over til the little girl at the 41st annual New York’s Village Halloween parade dressed as Elsa from Frozen tries to sing on NY1 and gets the microphone snatched from her face prematurely to her displeasure.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  You ain’t about this Halloween life, homie.

Condom Kill Counter: 1

…. Thanks, Kunis.

Au revoir!  *naked “Hotline Bling” dance moves on balcony*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 21-31)

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That’s it?  I still got a long ass list of movies though. …..  (Thank God, yo.  I was dying, yo.  Nah, yo.  Nah.  Too many fucking movies, b.  Chill, b.  I brrrrrr wit the nah-nah-nah, b.  Almost gave up about a week agooo!)

Fellow brethren and sistren, October has come to an end and that means we can stop acting scary now.  No more life-size poseable skeletons, jack-o’-lanterns and rubber roach replicas.  Only “boo” you need to be worried about after midnight is your significant other.  Y’all are just about ready to move on from all this ghoulish stuff so I’ll cut to the chase.  Homestretch.  We on it.

Day 21: Oculus (2013)

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I have to watch this one again.  When it finally got going at the end, I kind of wished I didn’t almost doze off during the first hour.  In my defense, it takes way too long for shit to pop off.  NOTHING HAPPENS!  I didn’t even take notes so I have nothing to talk about here.  All I know is when something DID happen, it was interesting enough to make me want to revisit it and pay close attention to that first hour.  With that said, I tucked this one in my movie stash for a rainy day.

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Day 22: See No Evil (2006)

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Let’s keep the WWE Studios produced movies theme going, shall we?

Just what I need.  Senseless, erratic mutilation.  “Choke slam to the ceiling!” (Jim Ross voice)  If you get queasy at the thought of eye sockets being infiltrated, LOOK AWAY.  This is not for you.

Hey, remember that show, Taina on Nickelodeon?  All my hick-spanics know!  I was surprised to see her in a horror movie for no valid reason at all.  And to last as long as she did in this one.  Because let’s face it. Only the white survive.

I have just a few comments for some of the scenes in this movie, so here they are.

-Yeah, sure.  Tell the man that holds your life in his hands to let you go as he dangles you from an apartment building window.  Very smart.

-The blonde chick is lucky the iPhone 6 Plus wasn’t out at the time or she would’ve had to deep-throat that.

And finally….

-What’s with all the generic hip-hop music in this movie? ……  OOOOH, that’s right.  This was made around the time Vince McMahon was in his black phase.

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I wish I was joking but this “Keep it up” segment happened late 2005 and See No Evil was released in 2006. Shaking my motherfucking head.

Day 23: See No Evil 2 (2014)

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Not 1 single eyeball was poked out.  What in the entire fuck!???!!!  I thought that was Jacob Goodnight’s schtick.  WHY IS HE TALKING?!  *sigh*

I have to say, this is still better than the first one.  The suspense in the first half hour of this movie is some of the finest straight-to-DVD films have to offer.  Aside from Kane talking and not even coming close to an eyeball, his character appeared to be much more complete.

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Jacob Goodnight was super imposing, upgrading his attire by adding a leather apron and a mask.  Even the weapons looked more pristine and bad-ass.  He looks now like he can even take on the elite slasher movie serial killers like Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.  On second thought, it’s pretty cool Kane got some lines this time around.  He deserves it.

Day 24: Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

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Ever since I went to the See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel at NY Comic-Con last year, I had been looking forward to these movies, so I watched them back to back.

You see that picture of Hornswoggle right there?  Most misleading shit I’ve ever seen.  The man wasn’t shown ONCE in the movie.  He’s credited for making believe he’s in the movie. LMAOOOOO!  What the fuck was this?  There’s no way in hell Hornswoggle was in the costume and makeup.  It wasn’t even a Leprechaun.  It was some ugly ass creature running around, naked.  Am I missing something?  I don’t remember shit about the Leprechaun movies but, fuck outta here!  I know what a Leprechaun is.  That’s not a fucking Leprechaun.

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As far as the quality of the movie goes, it was ok.  Between the few gruesome scenes and the Irish dudes hilariously arguing in that Irish accent, it was watchable.  There was one scene that was excellent.  My eyebrows shot up, my eyes popped out of my head and I reacted with actual words.  “OOOH! ….. Daaamn.”  If you saw this movie, I’m sure you know the scene I’m talking about.  Very well done.

I’m still pissed the homie Hornswoggle wasn’t in a green top hat, sniffing around for gold coins and eating Lucky Charms though.  It’s bullshit.

Day 25: The Shining (1980)

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“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Please tell me one person did not sit at the typewriter and typed that shit.  It was like 100 pages of that shit.  If it was, I feel sorry for their fingers.

Jack fell asleep in a kitchen full of free Oreos, Tang, Country Time Lemonade, Corn Nuts and Nilla Wafers.  Unless the reason he fell asleep in there was the itis, Jack was buggin’.

All jokes aside, this is a masterpiece.  Stanley Kubrick shot this shit beautifully.  I’m glad I didn’t waste my time looking for the shorter, supposed “better” version as Kubrick would call it.  I prefer seeing every scene that was shot for this movie.  Jack Nicholson HAS to be a psycho in real life.  The faces he makes, to me, can’t be learned.  That shit is natural.  Don’t try to convince me he’s THAT good of an actor because I already know that.  It’s not happening. Those expressions have not nearly enough to do with acting than it does being a fucking born psychopath.

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If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and just watch it.  I never watched it from beginning to end without distractions until now and it was 10 times better than I remembered it.  That’s cuz I didn’t pay attention before.  What more do I need to say about an 80’s horror movie that would convince you to watch it other than “It’s an 80’s horror movie”? That’s pretty much all that needs to be said.  So isolate yourself for two and a half hours. GO!  This needs to be SEENT.

Day 26: V/H/S: Viral (2014)

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Three days after its release, I was watching this on a comfy couch, in the comfort of my home.  The internet is the greatest aspect of life.

Movie begins with a dude obsessively filming his pretty ass girlfriend, on some Joe Budden shit.  Before I knew it, shit got REAL!  I got goosebumps at the 19-minute mark.  That’s unheard of!  The movie moves so quickly, you don’t have to wait AT ALL for shit to go down.

The entire V/H/S series is fun to watch.  Never a dull moment.

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I wish I could be a fly on the wall at one of the round table discussions/brainstorming sessions for these movies.  How do they come up with this stuff?  Everybody in the threads on Reddit are saying they were disappointed with this movie.  That it wasn’t as good as the first 2 movies.  That part is true.  This one lacked compared to the others and the story was confusing.  Disappointed though?  Sounds like a personal problem.  Whoever says they didn’t have fun watching this is a lying ass faggot.  Parts 1 and 2 were good because they were fun to watch and made you go, “What the fuck?”.  “Viral” did that.  So take the dicks out your asses and just accept the fact that every horror movie declines with every sequel.  Not every movie is going to have a strong ending.  Just enjoy the ride.

Day 27: The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

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Oh my God.  Why does this exist?  Please let this be the last ‘Purge’ movie.  Shit sucks!  The casting is horrible.  These actors were not meant to be in a movie like this.  They sucked.  The movie itself pissed me off.  It’s always some emotional ass stupid bitches fucking up the groove.  Let the man get his revenge, who GIVES a fuck?

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It’s like you do right by somebody and they repay you by being clingy and ruining your life.  Hate that shit.  This shit was MAD disposable.

Omar from The Wire and I share the same sentiment.  “MOTHERFUCK THE PURGE!”

Day 28: World War Z (2013)

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The unrated cut.  EXCELLENT movie.  It could’ve ended after 28 minutes and I would’ve been satisfied with just that.  So fast-paced, so intense.  You know shit is hectic when you eagerly take refuge in a project building in Newark, New Jersey.

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I officially want to read the novel this movie is based on, which is kind of backwards for me.  I prefer reading books (this sentence already sounds inaccurate) before watching their film adaptations…….on the rare occasion that I DO read a book.  See how I patched that sentence up at the end like dat dere?  (Auntie Fee voice)

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Oh, you didn’t?  Then why the hell you pointing the ca….take that mothafuckin’ camera off me and point it at the blog, SHIT!

Anyway,  the “Mother Nature is a serial killer” monologue alone made me wonder what other gems were compressed and even removed completely from the script.

I recommend World War Z to pretty much anybody who likes movies in general.  Or Brad Pitt.

Day 29: Aftershock (2012)

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Eli Roth never disappoints.  It’s all in the tagline.  Everything that can possibly go wrong in this movie, DOES!  And it’s all humanity’s fault once the earthquake is over.  Even acts of kindness result in the most unimaginable epic fails you’ve ever seen in any film.  It’s what separates this one from the others.  Every glimpse of hope these characters felt were immediately crushed.

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At one point, I figured there’s no happy ending for any of these people. They have the worst luck.  Whether I was right or wrong is up to y’all to find out.  I’m not one to spoil things.  That’s for the faggots.

Day 30: A Serbian Film (2010)

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I can not believe what I just watched.  I’m surprised this isn’t banned everywhere.  This movie is not for the faint of heart any-fucking-body.  Seriously.  Is this how Serbia gets down?

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It’s rated NC-17, so I should’ve known.  I should’ve known I was in for some fucked up shit.  I don’t even wanna say what it’s about.  If you’re curious, google it and read the synopsis.  I will say, though, that after reading about the director’s intentions, I reckon that this movie has artistic merit.  Srđan Spasojević (don’t even know how to pronounce that) said in an interview, “You’re raped from birth and it doesn’t even stop after your death.”  Now, I see the movie in a new light.  It’s still fucked up to no end, but now I know it wasn’t made to just sicken the audience as much as possible.  It was also to make a statement through metaphor.  I just don’t think the average person can sit through this.  Too graphic.

DOUBLE FEATURE!

WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A

DOUBLE FEATURE!

Day 31: Eraserhead (1977) & Pieces (1982)

Decided to watch 2 movies to conclude #ScaryMovieADayMonth because I’m a masochist and apparently, 31 movies in 31 days just isn’t enough for me.

Eraserhead

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In 2014, a 1977 movie made me say, “Whoa, how’d they do that?”  You new special effects people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

This movie is fucking weird.  Even though there’s no definitive explanation of what this movie is about, but to me, it’s basically about how life sucks balls and marriage and parenthood makes it suck dick.  And that the little bit of sleep you get as a parent sucks ass because if you’re not having a nightmare, you’re having a sweet dream that only makes you realize how much your life sucks orangutan tits once you wake up.  And that the only solution is to murder your child in cold….grits?  Oops, I just gave away too much.  Oh well, it’s not like your were going to watch this anyway.

Chicken period.

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Pieces

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80’s gory goodness.  The only copy I could find was like a videocassette rip and it looked all shitty.  PERFECT.  I prefer watching old movies like that, in their fuzzy, original picture quality.  Unless it’s a masterpiece or a movie with highly visual scenes, I don’t want to watch old movies in Blu-ray.  It’ll just unmask more flaws from already flawed movies with unprecedented clarity.  Fuck that.  Other than the few enjoyable, gory scenes, this movie is pretty bad.

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The actors where just miming recordings of their voices reading the script, you can tell.  Sometimes, their mouths barely moved while you can clearly hear them “speaking”.  There were stupid scenes that had nothing to do with anything.  Like the Kung-Fu professor scene.  Pointless.  Lots of nudity, including full frontal from both a female and a male.  That’s 2 days in a row I watch a movie with male full frontal nudity.  This is ridick-ulous.  I’m kind of glad #ScaryMovieADayMonth is over.  The pecker sightings were getting out of hand.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

– Lights Out by David F. Sandberg (2013)

Short 2-minute film.  Creepy as all hell.

Tuck Me In by Ignacio F. Rodó (2014)

Advertised as the scariest 1-minute short film you will ever see.  Sounds about right.

– Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments (2004)

The infamous countdown that I can still enjoy a decade later.  My potential list of movies for next year is already significantly hefty but it’s better if it always is.  This countdown is helping me with that.

3 years in a row.  94 scary movies in 93 days.  Not really back to back but yes, really… sort of .. kind of.

Time to go Trick-or-Treating!  Which, by my definition, is pickpocketing kids for their candy while creepily salivating over the sexy Halloween costumes the THOTS so THOTfully wear.  (I’m not doing this. It’s just my definition.)

There might even be a costume twerk-off in the middle of the street.  You never know, these days.

Happy Halloween, everybody!  *revs up chainsaw, runs like maniac through crowded NYC streets*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 11-20)

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Here I am.  I made it through the second batch of films despite the distractions.  This is usually the toughest part of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  It’s when my attention span is broken into little pieces, causing things like Fall TV show season premieres, NFL football and bae to finagle their way into my “free time” schedule.  I thought this would be a cake walk but my God, where does the time go?  It doesn’t help that I take 2 hours to watch a 90 minute movie.  My mind wanders and I find myself rewinding like a maniac.  Meanwhile, the DVR is about to burst and my iPod is dick & butt with podcasts that become irrelevant as the weeks blow by.  If you’re not sure what “dick & butt” means….. think about all the times you’ve been in the pit at a rock show or a crowded elevator.  How close your genitals came to brushing up against a pair of butt cheeks.  Yeah.  I just hope, fellas, there was always a lady behind and in front of you.

Anyhow, here are days 11-20 in short and sweet form to make it easy on the both of us.  Giddy up!

Day 11: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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“You have your mother’s eyes………and they were always too FUCKING CLOSE TOGETHER!” *stabs eyeball*

Seed of Chucky was hilarious but I wanted the old Chucky back.  The ferocious “Good Guy”.  The one who made jokes and puns right before and AFTER killing people, as opposed to joking around every chance he got.  And I got that with this movie.  Also, I can never get tired of seeing Chucky’s little feet walking to his next victim.  That little motherfucker is over-the-top with the killings too.

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Loved it, it was fun to watch and whaddya know?  This was a direct-to-video release, the first in the Chucky series, and it was better than the last one.  We live in a different time.  We can no longer treat these movies like they’re less important than theatrical releases especially when they’re this entertaining and have great surprises how Curse of Chucky had at the end.

Day 12: Candyman (1992)

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“Have you heard of Candyman?  I’ve heard of him, have you?”  “I’ve heard of some guy called the Candyman, have you heard of him?”  “Have you heard of…”

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Goddammit, was everything in the 90’s as dumb as these bitches asking the same question over and over?  Because that’s not how I remember it.  This movie is almost TOO 90’s.  Rusty sinks, empty lots, graffiti everywhere…  Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t bad….but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t bored the whole time.  Maybe the story is just old to me.  I can’t blame the movie because I’m the one who’s late.  I’ve been joking around about saying “Candyman” five times in front of my bathroom mirror, in the dark, since the 2nd grade.  I guess it would be scary as shit if I heard the black man’s voice after saying it five times.  His deep voice was hella dope though.  He could use it to serenade the hoes but instead, he murders the hoes.  Maybe his deep voice has something to do with having bees in his fucking mouth!

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Look at the look of struggle splattered on his face.  That’s what sacrifice looks like.  If i were to look up the word “struggle” right now, I’d probably….yup, found it.

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Only watch this for nostalgic purposes.  If you’ve never watched it, don’t.  Fuggedaboutit!

And now, here’s the series I alluded to in the last post. Here’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise!

Day 13: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

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Do I even need to talk about this one?  This is a certified clizznayee.  A CLASSIC!  Go on imdb.com and read the ‘Trivia’ section for this movie.  BRUH.

If The Exorcist didn’t exist, this would be the scariest movie of all-time.

Day 14: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

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So, the reason I chose to watch this franchise is because I had watched the original a bajillion times, and I watched the 2003 remake when it came out on Pay-Per-View.  One day, I was listening to a horror movie podcast when I heard that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 much more violent than the 1st one and possibly every other sequel.  I had to see it for myself so I figured why not just watch em all in a row?  Violent it was.  It also had humor in it which took away from the terror that is Leatherface.  Why the fuck was Dennis Hopper using a chainsaw more than Leatherface himself though?  Before I go any further, I’ll just say that it doesn’t get better than this one for this franchise when it comes to sequels.  It wasn’t great, but it’s far more entertaining than the rest of them.  The protagonist is pretty fucking attractive so it’s easy to watch.  Caroline Williams was a looker back in her day.

Day 15: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

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Kenan & Kel’s dad? Wtf are YOU doing here? … The only man to take the chainsaw revving skinner head-on.  The black man.  Respect.  But the respect ends there cuz this movie was a feces sandwich with cheese.  Leatherface looks corny.  It’s easy to read about movies and like them based on the directors explanation of the direction they took.  But I saw this dung salad with my own eyes and there’s no convincing me that it was worth anything when Leatherface wasn’t on my screen, which was too often for a movie titled, “Leatherface”.  In this case, it doesn’t even make sense.  I read that this was a reboot and a sequel at the same time.  HOW SWAY?!  Leatherface has a knee brace on in this movie implying that it’s a sequel since he accidentally sawed his leg in the 1st movie so that’s what the fuck it is to me.  Reboot? What the fuck is you talkin’ about, b?  Fuck outta here with that bullshit.  It’s a sequel and it’s terrible.

Day 16: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

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Shelved for 3 years, this one actually came out in ’97.  This movie has some similarities to the original so it’s already better than the last one.  This one, however, is more annoying.  Let me get the positive out the way before I go in.  Renée Zellweger shows these other bitches how it’s done in this movie.  When you see a motherfucker with a chainsaw coming at you, you do what my Zell-wigga Renée did.  RUN. LIKE. USAIN. BOLT.  This girl was hauling ass and she had a dress on.  If she tripped, which I can’t recall, she probably got right back up because she was OUT!  No “deer in the headlights” bullshit.  Get the fuck outta there immediately.  Good for her.

Now, the negatives.

“The Next Generation”.  Nobody gives a fuck about this new Sawyer family.  We want to see Leatherface killing.  He barely did anything here.  FUCK Matthew McConaughey and his whistling S’s.  Fuck him right to hell.  Taking up all the screen time, fuck is wrong with him?  Was there any dialogue in this bullshit?  I swear all I heard was annoying screams the whole time.  Oh, right.  There was dialogue.  I heard some heffer say “mucho quicko”.  “Mucho quicko”??? What in the blue hell is that?  Bitch?!  Don’t even think about spanish.  That’s unacceptable even to a fucking mute.  Mucho quicko.  You need mucho dicko in your mouth to keep shit like that from coming outta there, dumb bitch.  WHY?!  Who allowed this gah-bidge?  All they did was take from the 1st movie, dipped it in a tub of Bling Bling the bum’s sweet and sour looking excrement and sautéed it.

Day 17: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

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*Sigh*  What a breath of fresh air….  Holy shit!  This movie came out on October 17th!  What a dope coincidence that it landed 17th being that I just started the series spontaneously.  11 years exactly.  Wow.

I remember ordering this when it came out On Demand and loving it.  Still love this.  It’s savagely violent.  I almost couldn’t finish my food just by looking at the hitchhiker.  I remember this movie like it was yesterday but it still affects me.  It’s even better now because I developed a keen eye for little details by watching so many horror movies.  Subtle shit like the leak on the ceiling in the basement forming a puddle early in the movie and noticing that’s the reason there’s a flood by the time Jessica Biel gets thrown down there.  Before, I would have probably been like, “Why the fuck is the basement a pool?”

Speaking of Jessica Biel, watching this as an adult, I noticed she’s a stone cold bitch in this movie.  She bitches about the weed in the car, then she disrespects the weed, puts everybody in danger and gets an attitude with her boyfriend over it like it’s his fault.  …….and I STILL was thinking, “Well, helloooo there, snowflake.”  Her body is on fleek!

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Shout out to Marcus Nipsel and Michael Bay for trying their ALL to get her nipples rigid.  They succeeded briefly.  But props to Biel’s jugs for defying damn near every classic element.  She went from hiding in a meat freezer, to running through sprinklers, to running in heavy rain and her nipples didn’t even flinch.  Trust me, I checked.

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What else did I notice? …. A lot of Leatherface’s past is explained.  We get to see him sewing himself a new face and his bare face, all deformed from some skin disease.

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OH, this might be a reach but the fact that the group was on their way to a Skynyrd concert could be a play on words.  Leatherface?…..you see where I’m going here?  He’s a skinner.  Maybe it has nothing to do with that and they just really love Lynyrd Skynyrd. After all, they were blasting “Sweet Home Alabama” in the car.  I can go on forever about this movie.  It’s THAT good.

Day 18: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

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Who the fuck is Tommy? I thought his name was Jedidiah.  Anyway, Jordana Brewster is one fine bitch.  Why am I just now seeing this?  Good prequel to the 2003 remake.  One problem: When Chrissie hides in what appears to be a tub of blood at first, why is her face the only thing covered in blood?  The liquid is clear when it drops off of her and the knife.  Then when she gets out, she’s completely covered in blood. WHAT WAS THIS?!  I’ll tell you what it was.  The most obvious continuity error of all time.  The beginning of this movie could’ve passed as the music video for 2Pac’s “Brenda’s Got A Baby”.  “She wrapped the baby up and threw him in a traaash heap.”  Turns out, Leatherface was a dumpster baby.

Day 19: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

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This one starts where the original movie ended which was dope.  Leatherface’s name is Jed and not Tommy.  I was glad about that.  Trey Songz dies…..HALLELUJAH!  The man can’t act, I’m sorry.  ….. Oh look, a dead armadillo.  Oh, the weird chick from LOST! She’s uh…  veryyy…..very THOTful, if you will.  This, I didn’t get.  Why is the camera always pointed at her ass?  We get it, she has a nice ass.  But why?  Especially if you’re gonna show her ass in a thong later on in the movie, why would you keep focusing on her bu..oooh I see.  Of course.  Whore-shadowing.

Anyway, the scene where Leatherface sews his new face on has never been so graphic.  So that’s cool.  What’s not cool is the way the movie tried to make us feel for Leatherface a little.  Am I supposed to feel sympathy for this guy?  I don’t give a damn if you’re my mother, if you murder innocent people, I don’t bangs wit chu, bruh.  “Ladies makeup?  What a fruitcake!”

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this movie and watching this whole collection.

40 years of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  SWAG!

Day 20: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

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Oh, we got another anniversary here!  30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Had to end the 2nd trimester of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with a goddamn classic!  This movie pushed cinema boundaries.  Changed the fucking game.  The special effects still hold up til this day.  80’s movies have the best special effects because none of it was digital.  No CGI.  Everything was crafted brilliantly for the movies.  Blood & makeup, remote control robots, all the details in the background, all that shit.  By hand.

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A Nightmare On Elm Street was unique.  Some of the scenes in this movie still impress me.  They just don’t make them like this anymore.  There will never be another Freddy Krueger to me.  Robert Englund is so good, and he has this distinct face that played as much a part as the fedora, the striped sweater and the metal-clawed brown leather glove in making this character iconic.  It just worked.  Perfectly.

20 movies down.  11 to go.

Game face: ON.

See you fuckers in 11 days.  *hangs up blood-filled piñata and picks up chainsaw while blindfolded*