#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s over now, move over.  Tur-key’s turn now, it’s over.  October’s.  Shut.  Down. ……SORRY!

You don’t know about that.  R.I.P. Natina Reed.

BUT WAIT!  We’re not putting #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 to rest just yet.  We still got 11 to go over.

Day 21: Trilogy of Terror (1975)

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Like Tourist Trap, this movie was featured on “The 50 Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen”; a documentary special released in 2014.  I watched that special (obviously) and I’m planning on watching all the movies I haven’t seen on there.  I went with this one first strictly for it’s short run-time.  I thought the first short of this anthology was alright and I already forgot what the second short was about.  The last one though… it was the memorable and fun to watch compared to the others.  There’s one “Oh shit, it’s about to go down.” moment that brought me way too much joy than it had any business  bringing.  Not only that; everything from the opening monologue to the final shot was entertaining to me which can’t be said about a lot of the dry, slow-moving horror produced before ’78.

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Day 22: Tales From The Crypt (1972)

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Another one.  Anthology horrors don’t necessarily need a connection between the tales but this one is better for having one.  After the tales are told, it’s revealed why they were told, which gives the movie a bit more purpose than the customary anthology horrors of that time.  While some of the acting isn’t the best and the images aren’t the scariest, the good terror was in the idea of what was happening more so than what’s seen on screen.  There were a couple of special effects that were impressive for a movie released in the early 70’s but none that would be as memorable if not for the story surrounding them and that’s what I like about these tales.  It’s the theme each tale had in common and the ending that I appreciated and liked just enough to make me want to watch the sequel.  So that’s what I did.

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Day 23: The Vault of Horror (1973)

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Nope.  This is not…. *sigh*.

In case you didn’t know, this movie is based on a comic book series published by EC Comics in the 50’s.  My favorite thing about this movie is an Easter egg.  I’m talking the smallest minor detail.  The comic book itself is seen sitting on the table in one scene and even the Tales From The Crypt book, which was also a comic published by EC Comics, is shamelessly plugged.  I love meta shit like that.  ……That was it.  The tales were fine but… meh.  The audio in these old movies are already not that great but this shit sounded horrendous.  I know not to expect much from these movies but that ending was trash.  I think I’m done with the 70’s for now. *hops back in time machine*

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Day 24: Tales From The Hood (1995)

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Clarence. Williams. III.  Great performance!  Now I know where The Game got that excerpt for “Da Shit” on his sophomore album Doctor’s Advocate.  (There I go again showing how much of a Hip-Hop savant I am.)  Anyway, there’s a tale featuring David Alan Grier on here about voodoo drawings and I swear I saw this as a kid on VHS.  Something tells me it might have been Wishmaster but I don’t know.  I must’ve seen this somewhere, it’s so familiar.  The scariest scene in the entire movie is basically a music video with gangsta ass music playing behind a bunch of graphic images of dead people and real lynchings.  It was disturbing.  The rest of it was as cringe worthy as Rodney King’s “Can we all get along?”, which was quoted in this movie.  While it’s not even close to being Spike Lee’s best effort, I enjoyed about half of this movie just fine.

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Got a little carried away with the anthology horrors.  As much as I like watching them, they’re not giving me that feeling I’m looking for.  I need to get back to the real movies to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 the right way.  It’s time to take it back to the master of horror, Stephen King.

Day 25: 1922 (2017)

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I didn’t plan it but this makes 4 Stephen King based movies for this year’s list.  Netflix is pumping them out!

Somehow, I didn’t get the feel I was hoping for with 1922 either.  The most horrifying stuff happens in the first half of the movie.  The rest wasn’t all that scary, I didn’t think.  However, in terms of storytelling, this was a damn good movie.  The story had me invested early on; focusing on every detail, clinging to every word,… I was relishing how dark the narrative was becoming.  If you’re looking for a great suspenseful drama with heavy southern accents,  this is a great one.  Just don’t expect to be blown away by the end.

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Day 26: Creep 2 (2017)

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Could you think of a sequel that’s better than the first movie?  There are some out there but they’re few and far between.  ADD CREEP 2 TO THE LIST!  Mark Duplass is BRILLIANT!  I thought he was great in the first movie but he knocked this one out of the park from the opening scene to the very end.  I’m officially a fan of this series and yes, a third will apparently be made which makes this an actual series.  I can not wait to see what this crazy bastard does next.

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I had one problem with this movie, just one.  As a person who has no problem suspending disbelief, I had a tough time believing anyone in the real world would act the way a certain character did in her situation.  Her reactions to some things were a bit muted.  Even though it’s explained – and for that, I’m willing to let it slide – I still feel there could’ve been a way to make it feel a little more realistic.  Although at this point, I’m just nitpicking.  I’m sorry.  That’s what happens when you watch hundreds of horror movies and you know how they work.  Good thing I also know when to throw minor criticisms out the window and recognize when a movie is greater than that one minuscule flaw.  I really had a blast watching this movie and that’s all that matters.

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Day 27: Blair Witch (2016)

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SHIT.  GOT.  REAL.

You’d think after watching hundreds of scary movies, it gets easier to sit through them.  I mean… it kinda does but if there’s something that still frightens me to my core, it’s the memory I have of watching The Blair Witch Project.  I was 8 or 9 years old and the way I felt watching that movie was completely justifiable for anyone at the time but especially for a kid.

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Halfway through this movie, I felt it.  My stomach got queasy and my throat was dry but I didn’t wanna sip water in fear that I might choke if I was startled while drinking.  My 9 year-old feelings came back one by one with every familiar image.  The callbacks to the original had me on edge and the events in this film were scary as shit.  Perfect combination of keeping the essence of the Blair Witch lore and introducing new ideas and information about the Black Hill Forest.  I almost went back to watch a few scenes again to piece things together carefully to better understand what I just watched and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I had had enough.  I was shook.

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Day 28: Yoga Hosers (2016)

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This is the most Canadian movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s not even a Canadian production.  Apparently, Kevin Smith’s intention was to make three Canada-centric horror comedies that all connect in some way.  Yoga Hosers is the second installment of what Smith calls his “True North Trilogy”.  Wish I knew that before I watched this spin-off of the first installment, a movie called Tusk.  (Fuck it, I’m watching that next.  It’s Kevin Smith, man.)  Anyway, this movie isn’t scary at all.  It probably shouldn’t be on this list but it’s too late now.

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Starring Kevin Smith’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith and Johnny Depp’s daughter, Lily-Rose Depp, who start the movie with a rap rock jam session (Of course, the director’s a huge Run DMC fan.), I was curious to see how a movie like this could work.  ……You’re damn right Silent Bob made it work.  Despite its ridiculous premise, Yoga Hosers is dripping with butt jokes and jammed up that very ass with Canadian caricaturization, nerdy nods and comic book references; that signature campy style we’ve come to expect and want from Kevin Smith movies.  His techniques still charm my geek shorts off.  We got Smith and Depp themselves in supporting roles, cameos from iconic people, tons of Batman references and Easter eggs, (More than I caught with my own eye, I’m sure.) and… come to think of it…this is the most “Kevin Smith” movie I’ve ever seen.

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Day 29: Tusk (2014)

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Nobody creates a cinematic universe quite like Kevin Smith, holy crap.  I had no idea how different this movie was gonna be from Yoga Hosers.  Now that I’ve seen them both, when I think about how these movies work in order, it’s pretty fucking brilliant.  Tusk begins as a comedy and slowly gets darker and more fucked up as it continues.  There’s still humor throughout the movie but it’s done in moderation which doesn’t take away from the sick, crazy story being told.  Props to this cast for carrying this movie and somehow keeping it up in the next movie as different characters, with the exception of a few main characters who get more screen time and more of a center focus in Yoga Hosers.  A trilogy of three completely different types movies within the same universe?  This is not the first time Kevin Smith has executed this.  However, it’s taken a step further this time.  Genius.  Can’t wait for the third installment, Moose Jaws.

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Day 30: Happy Death Day (2017)

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A girl wakes up on her birthday. That night, she’s murdered. She wakes up the next morning, it was a dream. Or was it?

Look, I’ll save you the Google search. It wasn’t a dream.  The poor girl relives the same day every day and dies every night.  It’s Groundhogs Day: The Horror Version.  The college girl horror version. There was a moment toward the end that took the movie from alright to “oh shit, that’s crazy”.  That lasted for a minute and five seconds.  It got corny fast. They almost redeemed it all with just two words, but by the end, it just converted to a good kind of corny.  A “Ok, that wasn’t all that bad. I had fun.” kinda corny. I guess the term is “cheesy”.  Whatever.  It was an eventful 95 minutes.

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Day 31: Halloween (1978)

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Come on.  I couldn’t NOT watch the original Halloween on Halloween after this:

If you haven’t already seen this CLASSIC, you’re not about this horror life.  I mean, I can respect that.  After all, not everyone is a loony horror enthusiast who watches scary movies for fun on the date the movie takes place in.  You definitely should cuz it’s better that way but you don’t hav- … I say that to say, … what is there to say about this iconic film?  John Carpenter.  Jamie Lee Curtis.  William Shatner face mold mask guy with a knife.  What else you need?

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Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Nothing.  I haven’t watched Stranger Things Season 2 yet.

Welp, Happy Halloween!

*stays home sipping hot cocoa, calmly*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2017 (Days 11-20)

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Chew right through that mystery gristle, my guy!  That voracious appetite for horror will only get stronger as Halloween stealthily approaches.  You gotta be well fed by the 31st, that’s how you know deep down in your dark soul you did everything you could to put on for the greatest holiday ever.  Go on, now.  Eat.  EAT!!!!!

Day 11: The Eyes of My Mother (2016)

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Film-making is an art.  Independent filmmakers make artsy films.  “Borrow the slow pace, carry the low budget…” If my math is correct, that’s double the artys-fartsy.  As we know, art is subjective.  Every piece ain’t for everybody.  This movie certainly is not for everybody.

I watched this with my cousin and he didn’t wait for it to end to look at me and say, “This movie is lame.”  While I couldn’t disagree, his opinion couldn’t sway me into agreeing.  This movie is slow, it’s in black-and-white and it’s a borderline snoozefest.  To someone looking to be entertained, this movie can be painfully boring.  However, art shouldn’t be judged just on its entertainment value, it’s deeper than that.  Some of the images in this film are still in my head a week later, whether it was a sick and twisted scene or simply beautiful cinematography.  For a movie with only a $250,000 budget, there are some great shots made more impressive by the fact that it’s director Nicolas Pesce’s debut.  Not to mention, he wrote and edited it as well.  I respect filmmakers too much to call this movie wack or trash just because it didn’t move fast or make me jump.

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Day 12: Gerald’s Game (2017)

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Few hours later, I got the complete opposite side of the coin with Gerald’s Game.  Having not read Stephen King’s novel and not knowing what to expect at all, I decided to give this a watch simply because it was new and as Netflix Originals are usually promoted, it was featured on the app’s main page.

Wow!  This is a movie.  I don’t mean the type you say that about when you leave the theater after a summer blockbuster.  I mean, this is an amazingly written, emotional movie.  It’s so dialogue driven in the best way.  It’s cerebral, it’s emotional, it’s….. just exceptionally well done. I didn’t care to check what critics are saying; I know this movie is good and you should see it.  All you have to do is open the app and press play.  God bless Netflix.

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Day 13: Friday The 13th (1980)

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Come on.  You knew it was coming, right?  A 13th day that happens to fall on a Friday in October… I’d be crazy to turn on a horror movie that’s not Friday The 13th.  This is why I’m here; to celebrate horror the right way.  Who am I to fuck tradition up?

No need to recap.  We know what this is.  It started a phenomenon and it’s one of the main reasons I’ll look at you crazy if you make it a thing to stay at an old cabin in the woods.  For fuck’s sake, get an Airbnb.  Love yourself.

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Day 14: They Look Like People (2015)

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I have no problem with low budget films.  This movie though….. this shit had damn near no budget.  I’ve seen iPhone clips with better quality than this.  Holy shit.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m above watching stuff like this because I’m not.  At all.  I just couldn’t get jiggy with this shit.  If a major studio were to make a movie like this with more, it would be perfectly fine.  Props to the makers though.  A lack of resources shouldn’t stop you from making what you want.

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Day 15: The Possession (2012)

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October 15th marked the 36th anniversary of one of my favorite horror movies of all time, The Evil Dead.  Since I already watched it for #ScaryMovieADayMonth a few years back, I decided to go with a different Sam Raimi flick to commemorate him in some fashion.  Maybe it was the fact that The Possession wasn’t Evil Dead at all that kept me from enjoying myself but I just wanted it to be over after like an hour.  The ending got pretty intense but not as intense as the voicemails my pillow was leaving me.  It was callin’, bruh.  The movie wasn’t horrendous, I don’t think.  It’s just …. I had more fun pretending the events in this movie were leading to Jeffrey Dean Morgan becoming Negan in The Walking Dead.  I’m assuming that having a possessed daughter will fundamentally change you as a person.

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Day 16: Little Evil (2017)

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Sometimes you gotta throw on some silly horror comedy to cleanse your palate.  Even though I didn’t laugh out loud over 1.5 times or at all for that matter, it was mindless fun.  There’s some Edgar Wright-influenced transitions sprinkled in there, that’s always fun.  So is realizing Evangeline Lilly ages like wine, which happens whenever she’s on the screen.  Overall, it was entertaining enough for me to not feel like I wasted my time.  Give it a shot if you’re bored and/or familiar with The Omen.

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Day 17: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

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I forgot where but I heard from somewhere this was a good found footage so I went for it.  I understood that it’s a good movie that happens to be found footage but it turned out to be a decent film that is better because it executes the style really well.  Scenes never linger enough to slow down the pace of the movie.  The editing and camera angles keep you interested in the story that would otherwise be standard horror storytelling.  Regardless, the documentation of an elderly woman battling Alzheimer’s doesn’t need much else to make one feel uneasy and this movie expounds the danger of a forgetful and unpredictable person and more.

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Day 18: XX (2017)

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I really enjoy anthology horror films.  It’s like binge watching a short series.  If one short sucks, OH WELL!  I didn’t waste 2 hours of my life watching a shitty movie.  Luckily, none of the four shorts on here were terrible.  There are always standouts in these types of movies but none are deal breakers.  If you want adult Goosebumps vibes, pick up an anthology horror.  Maybe start with this one.  You will enjoy at least one of these tales.

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Day 19: Train to Busan (2016)

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Ever wonder what a zombie virus spreading in a moving train in South Korea looks like? Look no goddamn further!  I found this on a “Top Horror Movies to Watch on Netflix” list and I was transfixed by the concept of such merciless pandemonium.  What can you do in that situation?  I had to see how fucked the situation was for myself.

This movie is emotionally exhausting.  One minute, I’m rooting for a group of people.  The next, I’m wishing death on some asshole.  The very next, I’m mourning and then furious…and then laughing…and then shocked, and then…. IT’S NON-STOP!  Balls to the motherfucking wall!  The reason is that this movie somehow makes you care about the characters at an impressive rate.  I was very much invested in and worried for these characters evading stampedes of rabid, flesh-eating Koreans in no time.  Despite having some B-movie quality special effects, Train to Busan is extremely well-paced and immensely entertaining.

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Day 20: Tourist Trap (1979)

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If Stephen King praised it, I appraise it.  Curiosity takes over me.  What about Tourist Trap made this master of horror speak highly of it?  I pressed play, ready to be slightly more critical than usual.  Twenty minutes in, I acknowledged the creepiness but nothing stood out besides the music, only because it was sampled on “Guilty Conscience” by Eminem Ft. Dr. Dre from The Slim Shady LP.  (Ignore my spectacular Hip-Hop IQ, that’s irrelevant right now.)

Forty-five minutes in, my mind was blown.  I realized the hot brunette is none other than Tanya Roberts aka Midge Pinciotti from That 70’s Show.  (Don’t scoff at me, I went in blind and I’d never seen her in her 20’s.)  By the way, why are there hot chicks skinny dipping and sexual content in a rated PG movie?  The 70’s were different, man.  Wtf?  Anyway, by the end, I was pleased with this movie.  The score, the still shot of the dark woods with blue backlight, the closing moments… everything felt classically spooky.  I don’t know how big this movie was in ’79 or ever, but it was, at least to me, filled with moments as memorable as those in some of the classics of that time.  Hey Stephen King, I get it.

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Man, oh man.  Twenty already.  Come to think of it, the majority of those 20 have been releases in the last 5 years.  That’s trash.  There’s waaaay more I need to explore, especially movies that predate my existence.  At this rate, I’ll become a horror film expert.  A human en-psycho-pedia, if you will.  Yeah….. I’m ready.

Annyeonghi Gyeseyo. (안녕히 계세요)  *sets time machine made in Korea to the 70’s and grabs bell bottom jeans *

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

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Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.

Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me.

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine.

Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert.

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit?
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b.

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those.

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 11-20)

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That’s right, Sir Poe.  That IS fucked!  I almost lost some sleep over these next 2 movies.  I said almost.

Day 11: The Sacrament (2013)

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Before I begin, this movie is supposed to be found footage, yet it’s scored.  I don’t think that’s a good thing but I also don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing considering the way it ends.

This shit fucked me up.  It’s unsettling.  It’s disturbing.  It’s nightmarish.

The Sacrament is closely based on a real-life tragedy that occurred in 1978 known as the Jonestown Massacre.  The largest single mass death until 9/11.  I’m conflicted because on one hand, I thought this film was well done.  On the other hand, I think it’s disrespectful.  To make something like this, a historical event, into a movie in the horror genre is flat out rude, in my opinion.  I don’t know why I feel that way because I do understand that what happened was horrific.  I don’t know.  I’m confused.

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If I were asked about this movie, I guess I would describe it personally as a kitschy one.  I’m not even sure if I’m using the word right but somehow, I appreciate The Sacrament.  I thought about it and I figured if I watched this without the preconceived notion that it’s a horror flick, I can view it as a historically incorrect dramatization of the story of Jonestown.

Day 12: The House of the Devil (2009)

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While reading on The Sacrament, I learned that producer Ti West is mostly known for The Innkeepers and The House of the Devil and so I decided to watch The House of the Devil.  I wanted to see what he was REALLY about and I always see the artsy movie poster on the internet.

This movie is set in the 80’s.  Not only that, it’s shot in 80’s style.  It looks like it came out back then.  The video quality is grainy, the opening credits, as you can see in the picture above, was … what it was, the music, the camera angles, the excessive use of slow zoom in and outs…. I. WAS. FLOORED.

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I kept googling the movie for its release date because I couldn’t believe this came out in 2009.  It’s that perfect.  I’m already a sucker for 80’s flicks so I was enamored with the style of this movie and the idea that these cinematographic techniques are still valuable today.  The protagonist is played by a gorgeous woman by the name of Jocelin Donahue, who did an incredible job at her role.  (She favorited 2 of my tweets where I gushed over the film so I’m gassed and shit.)  This shit was so on point, I bet the same person that figured out exactly what date was Ice Cube’s “Good Day” can put the references and lunar eclipse date together to figure out when this so-called “true” event happened.

Day 13: American Mary (2012)

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Easy on the eyes, easy on the ears, barely scary.  Not something you would watch on Halloween or anything.  However, American Mary is a better-than-good Canadian independent movie made by Jen and Sylvia, the Soska Sisters, whom I first was introduced to when I went to that See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel they were on at New York Comic Con in 2013.  It’s about a medical student who, like most students, is in dire need of some quick cash to pay her bills.  Things go awry (sort of) and she starts performing body modification procedures for a living.  Doesn’t sound bad, right?  Well, it wasn’t.

This movie is very original.  A refined piece of art.  I’ve never seen much like it.  Real members of the body mod community are featured, which adds authenticity to the film.  SPOILER ALERT!: American Mary had potential for a sequel until the end ruined any possibility of that happening. This could very well have been an origin story to a reprising character in horror.  Like I said before about Nell Sweetzer from The Last Exorcism, there needs to be more iconic women in horror films.  Katharine Isabelle is an excellent candidate after making this.  Even her character’s name, Mary Mason, sounds like a great, memorable name.  Why isn’t she a Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure yet?  You don’t need a sequel for that.

I don’t know how horrors are typically made in Canada, but if this is any indication, I think I like what they’re doing up there.

Day 14: Dead Alive (1992)

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I fucking loved this.  It was so fun to watch.  Blood splatters EVERYWHERE!  The comedy is so ridiculous, it’s entertaining.  There’s a baby scene that’s funny in the Mr. Bean way.  It’s a guy being a complete klutz with an infant in public.  Also, we see awesome use of a lawnmower and a blender.  Amazing effects.  There isn’t much more I can say besides this shit is lit.

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Oh, and I’m gonna start using, “Is that the girl with the donkey in the chamber?”

Day 15: Creep (2014)

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This shit was short as fuck.  But hey, the allotted time was enough to make me go, “Well, when is this guy gonna show signs of being a creep?”  Knowing the title of the film sucks because I was on the edge of my seat expecting creep shit to start happening.  It’s better to go in blind.  I’ll probably play this for my dad soon without letting him know what he’s watching.   At first, the “creep” is just a funny person who you actually feel sympathy for and you kind of start to feel like you want to be his friend.

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And then it’s like, “Oh no.  Wait a minute…that’s unacceptable.”  It’s just what was expected, for me.  If I didn’t know the name of the movie, I would’ve had a pit in my stomach because just a few minutes prior, this maniac would’ve seemed sweet to me.  He was far from that.  Good acting by Mark Duplass though.  Even knowing the title, his character being genuinely nice was believable.  Anyway, it felt like something was missing once the movie was over but that’s cuz the shit was short as hell.  I enjoyed it.

Day 16: The Stranger (2014)

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It’s possible that I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this kind of movie but I doubt it.  I know when a movie is rear beer.

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This movie is a drama, it wasn’t scary at all.  The story pissed me off way too many times and a lot of shit didn’t make sense.  I watched this for Lorenza Izzo and she’s barely in it.  Let’s move on before I get pissed off again.

Day 17: The Innkeepers (2011)

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Sara Paxton is a delight.  Her screams alone were entertaining.  They were hilarious at first when she was just startled….then shit got real.  YO.  There’s a few scenes in this movie that made me either jump or made my heart drop.  Shit.  Was.  TERRIFYING!   Hotels get scarier and scarier in my mind the more I watch these haunted hotel movies.  If the lobby ain’t poppin’, I ain’t droppin’       ……………my ……..luggage   ….there.

The point is, fuck quiet ass hotels, bihh.

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Day 18: We Are Still Here (2015)

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Oh my God! It’s Ms. “Head Head” herself, Barbara Crampton! Of course, I’m so slow, I didn’t notice until there was 20 minutes left in the movie…….and it’s the reason I had it on my list in the first place! Wow, bro. Wow.  This shit was iight, nah mean?  A lot of very good qualities.

First, the negative.  The souls in the house were scary as fuck when they were barely visible.  I didn’t like how they looked once they were in the light though.  They just look like hipsters with black face.  And why do they look like they belong on the hookah, bro?  They look like newly lit charcoal.  The ending is laughable.  It’s so abrupt and ridiculous to me.

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Now, the positive.  My Xbox remote was dying so I paused the movie and I put it to charge.  I hit resume as I was getting comfortable in my bed again and at the exact same time that I finally got settled in, the movie got quiet.  Before I could blink, the movie caught me SO GOOD with a jump scare, my knee jerk reaction was to bury my face in my hands.  I never felt so pussy in my life OMG!  I felt it, you guys.  I finally felt fear.  Some of the gore was amazing too.  And finally, Larry Fessenden is Jack Nicholson adjace.  Don’t ask me how that’s a positive. It just is.

Day 19: American Psycho (2000)

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What a bunch of pretentious assholes, eh?  At least familiarize yourself with your co-workers enough to remember who’s name belongs to who.  These guys walk around calling each other anything and no one cares.  But that wasn’t even the real issue. This guy Patrick Bateman is a serious fucking psychopath.  Running around killing people for no reason at all.  OR WAS HE?! Hmmmmm…….

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Oh, boo hoo! This movie is 15 years old.  I’m the last person on earth to watch it for certain because I always am.  I haven’t even watched the original Star Wars trilogy.  PUT YOUR GODDAMN COCK AWAY!  This ain’t a measuring contest.  I just never got around to it.  No worries, I finally own them.  But anyway, back to American Psycho.

15 years is enough time to deem something a classic, right?  The ending IS open to interpretation and it’s still talked about today.  I think it’s a classic.  Despite watching it only 48 hours ago.

Day 20: American Psycho 2 (2002)

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I’m impressed.  For an early 2000’s straight-to-video sequel to a movie that’s revered as one of the most notable of the decade, this movie is very smart despite the terrible ratings all over the internet.  All the credit goes to a young Mila Kunis for really selling her character as a desperate-to-become-professor’s-assistant criminology student.  It’s also easy to watch her little face on the screen.  Wait….young Mila Kunis?  She’s STILL young!  She’s only 32, still. HOW SWAY?!  She been on my TV forever.  Younger Mila, I should say.

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Listen, I get it.  This movie has some shitty qualities.  For one, this shit ain’t even scary, disturbing, offensive, NOTHING!  I get it.  Like the part where they show a picture of Patrick Bateman and it’s not even Christian Bale.  I get it, that was stupid.  Or like the part where the fire from the car explosion looks so fake and then they show the car on fire….REAL fire.  Like, why the fuck show the explosion at all?  It didn’t add anything to it.  I get it, shit was ass!  And who can forget Kunis jogging?  Easily the cheesiest jogging montage I’ve ever seen.  I GET IT! However, there’s plenty of good things.  The tie in to the 1st movie was decent.  The script wasn’t bad at all.  The nod to Bateman’s habit of talking about music right before he murders somebody.  A clear cut ending for the people that still struggle to make sense of the original’s ending.  Look.  Whatever, OK?  Given the stigma that sequels have, you probably won’t watch this anyway, so I’m done here.

BUT NOT ENTIRELY, Y’SEE?

We still have 11 days to go in October.  It ain’t over til the little girl at the 41st annual New York’s Village Halloween parade dressed as Elsa from Frozen tries to sing on NY1 and gets the microphone snatched from her face prematurely to her displeasure.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  You ain’t about this Halloween life, homie.

Condom Kill Counter: 1

…. Thanks, Kunis.

Au revoir!  *naked “Hotline Bling” dance moves on balcony*