#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 1-10)

Fresh off New York Comic Con babyyyy! That’s right gore whores and ravenous savages, we back! #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016: the 4G LTE edition.  My laptop did a corkscrew moonsault off the top rope and botched the landing. RIP. But we here! IT’S LIT!……FACTS!……..DEADASS!

Let’s get it started.

Day 1: 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

I watched the trailer for this early in the year and I said, “Yup. I’m in there.”  Ended up saving it for October to carry on the tradition. Talk about commi….commitm… what’s the word again? Oh, commitment? I don’t know what that is. Nevermind. I already went to see a bunch of movies this year. I wasn’t about to live in the movie theater so I chilled.  I waited fucking months. I’m not gonna say it’s great and I’m not gonna say its horrible. I finally saw it….. and I wanna hit about 1,000 of dem folks like YAAAAH! You know what I’m talkin’ about? … Yes you do! All the kids are doing it on the internet. YAAAH! I loved it! I never been so. …you know what? I can’t even say what I want cuz i fucking hate spoilers and it cant be told. It needs to be seent. Just know…..I swung my arm like Michael Jordan after “The Shot” in Game 5 as soon as the movie was over cuz i was so pumped. YAAAH! J.J. Abrams, you did it again my nigga.

Day 2: JeruZalem (2016)

One word kept popping in my head while I watched. Laughable.
But I checked the budget for this movie right now while writing this and. ….. I’m shocked. I remember noticing how good the resolution was while I watched. It was nice and clear, very HD. Fucking beautiful. I also remember thinking how some of the effects weren’t good enough for Youtube. CGI blood is rarely any good regardless, so I kind of let that part slide. In retrospect, however, for a movie with a $160,000 budget, I’m actually impressed. They did a lot with that 160k.  Unfortunately, the majority of what they did had ridiculous qualities. There was so much potential there, they got a fair amount of things right but it pales in comparison to the amount of terrible shit. Oh my God. No.

Day 3: Hush (2016)

Just imagine if you lived alone in the woods, you’re deaf and your voice is temporary paralyzed due to some kind of infection. FUCK NO.

I recommend this movie only to people who live with other people. If you live alone, you might not want this movie memory stored in the back of your brain. It will remind you you’re alone every night. Don’t do it.

Anyway, I liked it.

So far, good or bad, every movie has at least for a scene made me wince and put my hand on my mouth in an attempt to stop my jaw from literally dropping, popping and locking like Ice JJ Fish.

Day 4: Dementia (2015)

Fam… What kind of hardware store sells Barbie dolls? Am i missing something? Anyway…this movie has the most abrupt, non-abrupt ending. That’s the only way I can think to put it. It was weird because it felt unfinished but it just worked somehow. Despite being a really low budget film, it’s actually pretty good thanks to the story and some performances. It’s a fucked up movie with layers to that shit.

Day 5: Darling (2016)

Really quick…It’s short but feels long, not entirely in a bad way. It’s weird as hell. The movie consists of 100% still shots, creepy sounds and flashes. It has a Marvel adjace mid-credit scene, the protagonist is shown naked and has a boy body. It feels like a short film, it does indeed get real in some scenes, I would only recommend this to die hard horror fans who would watch anything horror. Not something I would recommend to anyone else.

Day 6: Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Pretty sure this movie deserves more than just random miniscule remarks but here I go anyway.

Dog actors are usually fun to watch to try and guess how they were manipulated into “acting”. Here, it’s obvious. A big juicy steak was dangled across his face. Proof: The one bead of drool the editors failed to remove in post production.
What is Ving Rhames’ character? Mike Tyson? It’s the only reason to be wearing a kufi and petting a flying rat on a Brooklyn rooftop.
Anyway, this movie is revered with good reason. It’s confusing as shit but there are enough classic terrifying scenes to keep this one in “Scariest Movie Moments” lists til this day.

Day 7: Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Listen, man. I picked this cuz I wanted something easy to watch. No, not Megan Fox. I’m talking about Amanda Seyfried’s beautiful features. Top 5 eyes/lips/dimples combination of all time. Let’s take a moment…

*slow exhale* Yep… very easy on the eyes. And that she was. Except this movie is just….. *sigh* As a film, no thank you. If you put yourself in a high school freshman girl’s shoes and already admire Juno for its quirky nature, you can see what this movie tried to do. I didn’t care about the quality much as I was barely watching it on a Comic Con line, catching only the little bit of action it has to offer. I liked 7% of this movie. Take it as you will.

Day 8: The Boy (2016)

Lauren Cohan, we love you. We do. You are bae and your American accent is sweet. This movie builds really well. There was one scene that made me go, “Uh oh. That’s it. Everything is fucked”. And then it was ruined. What is this? Why is he so tall? Why is he… what is …. huh??? I don’t know. There’s plenty of really well done aspects to this movie but honestly, I can’t seem to remember it well even though it was a few hours ago. I wouldn’t mind trying again but not for a long time.

Day 9: The Purge: Election Year (2016)

Over a fucking candy bar? Fuck outta here with these stereotypes and bum ass acting. This movie is awful. 3rd times the charm. I’m DONE with this franchise.  It sucks. Keep the ‘Purge’ movies away from me and my family.

Day 10: Deathgasm (2015)

I am pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think it would be as enjoyable as it was. I thought it was consistently really funny. It’s a gore fest, it’s demonic, there’s weaponized dildos, boobs, it’s fucking Metal….literally. Death Metal everywhere. This is geared toward fans that listen to that genre of music but it’s not exclusive to them. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m watching the shit out of the sequel when it’s out. This is why you should try different shit. You never know.

1/3 of October down. Had to keep it short. It’s not the same on a phone app.

Bye, bitches! *does Lil’ Kim “Quiet Storm” dance on moving short bus*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10))

Scary. Movie. A Day. Month.

That’s right, mothafuckas!  It’s that time again.

Last time, I said I was seriously considering buying that “You’re Next“/Wyatt Family mask.  I completely forgot I said that and STILL ended up owning one.  That’s how you know I wasn’t bullshitting.  So nobody can give me a smiley side-eye and be like, “mmMMMMohMYGOD!….” Nope, can’t do it.

Obviously, the blogging completely stopped after a while but I enjoy doing this so much I keep coming back.

Like that one hip-hop ghost said: “It’s gettin’ spooky.”

Day 1: The Babadook (2014)

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Pretty fucking good!  This movie is almost perfectly paced. I say almost because it’s subjective.  The way you feel about the characters at the end of the story is the complete opposite of what you feel about them at the beginning and the movie gives you time to digest.  In wrestling, it’s called a “double turn” when there’s a definitive good guy and bad guy going in to the match and by the end of the match, there’s an unquestionable role reversal.  That’s sort of what happens here.

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I already hate kids but this movie purposely makes the viewer hate Samuel, a little boy who lost his father in a car crash on the way to the hospital while he was in his mother’s belly on the passenger side. Yes, regardless of how sad that is, he’s still such a little shit, you can’t help but hate him.  But that hatred subsides as the story unfolds.  Even his own mother told him to, and I quote, “eat shit” and though at that moment you no longer hate Samuel as much, it’s still great to see a kid get told off like that.  And that’s why, ladies & gentlemen, this movie is right up my alley.

Oh by the way, great sound effects.  They say the most successful horror movies use all of our senses against us.  I would consider this one to be a success.  I think I wanna be the Babadook for Halloween.

Day 2: ATM (2012)

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So, some sicko masterminds a torture method in which he puts victims in a situation where they eventually die on their own as opposed to assaulting them manually, I guess? Anyway, I ain’t mad at this one. I would watch a sequel, which is heavily hinted towards at the end of the movie. Sicko is back to the drawing board, formulating his next plan and he numbers the ATM machines. Of course, the sequel tease is blatant when the shot focuses on the blueprint with “ATM 2” written on it.

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This movie outsmarts the victims though.  Josh ‘Peck’erhead was at fault for them being in that situation in the first place and not once did he think to hit the “killer” in the head with that liquor bottle he had the whole time. He pissed me off.

Some “Good Ol’ JR” opportunities in this movie. Not spoiling anything but I did get to scream, “BAH GAWD, SHE’S BROKEN IN HALF!” at one point.

So far this #ScaryMovieADayMonth, dogs got the most sympathy from me.

Day 3: Would You Rather (2012)

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Third IFC Film in a row and I didn’t plan this. I’m sure it won’t be the last on this list.

This movie is fuuuuucked uuuuup!  The one message I got from this movie is life can be fucked up and you just can’t do anything about it.  Unlike Sasha Grey’s knees which are surprisingly unblemished, apparently.  Who’da thunk?  She must’ve done something to them.  But enough about her because her character was a stone cold bitch and I’m getting mad thinking about her.

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There.  That’s all I got from watching this.  If you know the game and you like horror, watch this.

Oh, right. Jeffrey Combs did a PHENOMENAL job at being the villain.

 Day 4: Dead Silence (2007)

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OK. You fuckers got me again. I can’t lie.  Once I read the words, “From the creators of Saw“, I should’ve known some shit was gonna come out of nowhere at the end.  I was caught off guard. On top of that, Donnie Wahlberg is in this movie and he looks like he just put on a mustache and shot this during Saw lunch breaks.  Even the score screamed Saw.

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However, unlike the Saw movies, this one was largely uninteresting.  It was only ‘ok’ because of the ending.  The main character looking like a poor man’s Patrick Swayze doesn’t help either.  I did really enjoy the parts where it got dead silent because it opened the door for some effective jump scares.  You know it’s coming when it gets quiet but you don’t know exactly when the scare comes. So there’s that and the ending; the only things I liked about Dead Silence.  Oh yeah, and that old lady Mary Saw saying, “Come close-ah”.

Day 5: Re-Animator (1985)

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Entertainment Weekly has a point.  This was fantastic!  The only problem is there’s no good way of ending some of these movies.  I’m starting to believe good movies have bad or abrupt endings because it’s such a ride from the beginning, the fun is ruined when it’s over.  It’s so worth watching though.  I’ll show you why it’s worth watching.

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It is what you think.  What you see here is a little thing I like to call “head head”. Fucking sick, right?

Here’s another thing that’s sick but not in the same way.  After the movie was over, I took my ass over to IMDB to learn more about the awesomeness I had just finished watching and I was amazed to find out that the scientist in this movie is the same person that played the villain in Would You Rather. FUCKING JEFFREY COMBS! Holy shit, he looked so different 30 years ago.  I watched both these movies and had no clue they were the same person.  Still wouldn’t know if it weren’t for IMDB.

But yo……. “head head” though.

Day 6: Poltergeist (2015)

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“Maybe someone should go through (the portal) to help Maddy find her way out”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

YES THE FUCK IT IS!  Nobody wanna go in there, bihh!  Who knows where that shit leads.  It’s not like you literally end up inside a TV.  That’s not even physically possible, especially nowadays with the flat screens and whatnot.  When I saw where that portal led later on in the movie I said fuck THAT!  Hell naw.  Same shit I said about this cast. Hell naw.  Shit was weak. Except for the little girl with the “gift”.  She’s the cutest thing.  Even with that in the back of my mind, I had a blast watching this.

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It’s a modernization of the original which is, again, what all remakes are for the most part. Plasma TV’s, tablets, drones, etc.  I don’t see how a man can be in any mood to make jokey comments when his daughter is mysteriously missing though, I hated that part. Other than that, I didn’t sit there and pick apart all the similarities and differences from the original so I really liked it.

Day 7: The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

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As soon as I saw Bree Olson’s face on my screen, I closed my room door.  I knew it was about get ugly.  Boy, was I right.  Castration, kidney rape, Tiny Lester Jr. …. it was just a repulsive piece of shit.  I mean, there’s a reason why it got a 2.2 out of 10 on Rotten Tomatoes.  It begins with the ending of part 2 being watched by the two sick motherfuckers from the first 2 movies as different characters.

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So it turned out to be a movie in a movie in a movie and we’re supposed to believe they’re different because now the fat meatball has a mustache and the toothpick with legs is bald. Tom Six, the filmmaker responsible for all three of these repugnant movies, put himself in the movie to play himself.  *sigh*  It’s just terrible. There’s not much more I can say.  SO bad. Oh my God. I’m done.  Eric Roberts, why?

Day 8: Bad Milo! (2013)

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This is the cutest horror movie I’ve ever seen.  Look at that little guy.  Besides the fact that he came out of a man’s ass and he eats people alive, you can’t look at Milo without your heart melting.  I don’t know if the comedy aspect of this movie works.  It’s not a good movie, really.  But when Milo is on the screen, it becomes impossible to not enjoy.

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This is the stuff 80’s movies were made of.  Those movies back then could be horrible but you liked them because they had a message or a full cast of familiar faces.  CGI has taken over cinema and if they can just bring back prosthetic props, movies can be special again.  Just look at Bad Milo!  It kept CGI to a minimum and it was nice to look at.

Day 9: Vile (2011)

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Netflix, I hate you.  I can’t believe how poor the quality of this movie is.  Only way I’d be impressed is if someone told me the budget was $0.00.  You see, the idea for this movie is decent.  Even the story was complete with a somewhat satisfying ending.  It’s too bad this movie is painful to watch.

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Let me be clear.  That wasn’t a pun.  Shitty score, shitty editing, 98% was shitty acting….. shitty, shitty, shitty.  This is the one movie in which sex didn’t get anyone killed but instead could have saved lives and yet not a single cheek was clapped.  And even after a character suggested that sex could save their lives, they went ahead and physically tortured each other anyway.  Fail is not the word.

Day 10: The Green Inferno (2015)

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Eli Roth, you. are. that. NIGGA!

The Green Inferno is only 2 weeks old, so I’ll keep it discreet.
I was so excited for this, I went straight to the movie theater after a long day at Comic Con.  I first heard about this movie in 2013 on WWE’s Chris Jericho’s podcast, Talk is Jericho, when he interviewed the master of horror that is Eli Roth.  He spoke about filming a movie in the Amazon rain forest with villagers and having to learn to communicate with them to get them to act as cannibals.  He said he realized these people had no concept of what a movie is because they had never seen one before.  So he brought a TV to them and had them watch the movie Cannibal Holocaust.  Also, currency is useless to them so he paid them in food and clothes for their time.  The villagers tried to offer Roth a two year old child as a ‘thank you’ and when I heard that shit, I said NAAAAH.  I HAD to see how this movie turned out.  Fucking GREAT is how it turned out!

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Seeds are planted at the very beginning and then the movie takes you on an adventure.  The story is so compelling, it captures you at the moment, making you sort of forget those seeds.  Then before you know it, you’re all like, “Oh shit!” Trust me, you are. I know because i literally murmured those words when the dots connected.

Storytelling at it’s finest comes with characters that give you reasons to care for them. Listen, bruh. The main character, Justine, played by Lorenza Izzo, is so naturally beautiful, I cared about her instantly. Of course, I cared more as the character developed.  Being attracted to the lead is no mistake either.

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Casting the right actors to captivate the audience is crucial and this film hit a home run in that field.  I genuinely hated the characters I was supposed to hate, worried for the morally sound ones and laughed out loud at my nigga Juni Cortez from Spy Kids LMAO!  There were other characters that were funny but he was cast for the sole purpose of making the audience laugh even when he’s not joking.

There might’ve been one or two cheesy parts but I’m sure it’s fine for the casual moviegoer.  Nothing too stupid.  For the most part, this movie deals with real fears that we all have.  AND THE GORE!

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Fuck, this shit looked real.  Basic shit like vomit was done really well too.  I could talk about this shit all day.  VERY entertaining.

Wow, that was quick.  10 movies just like that.

As I creep on these harlots at New York Comic Con, I will be thinking about what the next 10 movies might be.  They damn sure will be picked more carefully though. A lot of these were booty and I blame Netflix for providing trash in abundance.

Signing out.  *jumps out of moving Kingda Ka with a hang glider*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 21-31)

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That’s it?  I still got a long ass list of movies though. …..  (Thank God, yo.  I was dying, yo.  Nah, yo.  Nah.  Too many fucking movies, b.  Chill, b.  I brrrrrr wit the nah-nah-nah, b.  Almost gave up about a week agooo!)

Fellow brethren and sistren, October has come to an end and that means we can stop acting scary now.  No more life-size poseable skeletons, jack-o’-lanterns and rubber roach replicas.  Only “boo” you need to be worried about after midnight is your significant other.  Y’all are just about ready to move on from all this ghoulish stuff so I’ll cut to the chase.  Homestretch.  We on it.

Day 21: Oculus (2013)

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I have to watch this one again.  When it finally got going at the end, I kind of wished I didn’t almost doze off during the first hour.  In my defense, it takes way too long for shit to pop off.  NOTHING HAPPENS!  I didn’t even take notes so I have nothing to talk about here.  All I know is when something DID happen, it was interesting enough to make me want to revisit it and pay close attention to that first hour.  With that said, I tucked this one in my movie stash for a rainy day.

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Day 22: See No Evil (2006)

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Let’s keep the WWE Studios produced movies theme going, shall we?

Just what I need.  Senseless, erratic mutilation.  “Choke slam to the ceiling!” (Jim Ross voice)  If you get queasy at the thought of eye sockets being infiltrated, LOOK AWAY.  This is not for you.

Hey, remember that show, Taina on Nickelodeon?  All my hick-spanics know!  I was surprised to see her in a horror movie for no valid reason at all.  And to last as long as she did in this one.  Because let’s face it. Only the white survive.

I have just a few comments for some of the scenes in this movie, so here they are.

-Yeah, sure.  Tell the man that holds your life in his hands to let you go as he dangles you from an apartment building window.  Very smart.

-The blonde chick is lucky the iPhone 6 Plus wasn’t out at the time or she would’ve had to deep-throat that.

And finally….

-What’s with all the generic hip-hop music in this movie? ……  OOOOH, that’s right.  This was made around the time Vince McMahon was in his black phase.

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I wish I was joking but this “Keep it up” segment happened late 2005 and See No Evil was released in 2006. Shaking my motherfucking head.

Day 23: See No Evil 2 (2014)

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Not 1 single eyeball was poked out.  What in the entire fuck!???!!!  I thought that was Jacob Goodnight’s schtick.  WHY IS HE TALKING?!  *sigh*

I have to say, this is still better than the first one.  The suspense in the first half hour of this movie is some of the finest straight-to-DVD films have to offer.  Aside from Kane talking and not even coming close to an eyeball, his character appeared to be much more complete.

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Jacob Goodnight was super imposing, upgrading his attire by adding a leather apron and a mask.  Even the weapons looked more pristine and bad-ass.  He looks now like he can even take on the elite slasher movie serial killers like Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.  On second thought, it’s pretty cool Kane got some lines this time around.  He deserves it.

Day 24: Leprechaun: Origins (2014)

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Ever since I went to the See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel at NY Comic-Con last year, I had been looking forward to these movies, so I watched them back to back.

You see that picture of Hornswoggle right there?  Most misleading shit I’ve ever seen.  The man wasn’t shown ONCE in the movie.  He’s credited for making believe he’s in the movie. LMAOOOOO!  What the fuck was this?  There’s no way in hell Hornswoggle was in the costume and makeup.  It wasn’t even a Leprechaun.  It was some ugly ass creature running around, naked.  Am I missing something?  I don’t remember shit about the Leprechaun movies but, fuck outta here!  I know what a Leprechaun is.  That’s not a fucking Leprechaun.

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As far as the quality of the movie goes, it was ok.  Between the few gruesome scenes and the Irish dudes hilariously arguing in that Irish accent, it was watchable.  There was one scene that was excellent.  My eyebrows shot up, my eyes popped out of my head and I reacted with actual words.  “OOOH! ….. Daaamn.”  If you saw this movie, I’m sure you know the scene I’m talking about.  Very well done.

I’m still pissed the homie Hornswoggle wasn’t in a green top hat, sniffing around for gold coins and eating Lucky Charms though.  It’s bullshit.

Day 25: The Shining (1980)

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“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Please tell me one person did not sit at the typewriter and typed that shit.  It was like 100 pages of that shit.  If it was, I feel sorry for their fingers.

Jack fell asleep in a kitchen full of free Oreos, Tang, Country Time Lemonade, Corn Nuts and Nilla Wafers.  Unless the reason he fell asleep in there was the itis, Jack was buggin’.

All jokes aside, this is a masterpiece.  Stanley Kubrick shot this shit beautifully.  I’m glad I didn’t waste my time looking for the shorter, supposed “better” version as Kubrick would call it.  I prefer seeing every scene that was shot for this movie.  Jack Nicholson HAS to be a psycho in real life.  The faces he makes, to me, can’t be learned.  That shit is natural.  Don’t try to convince me he’s THAT good of an actor because I already know that.  It’s not happening. Those expressions have not nearly enough to do with acting than it does being a fucking born psychopath.

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If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and just watch it.  I never watched it from beginning to end without distractions until now and it was 10 times better than I remembered it.  That’s cuz I didn’t pay attention before.  What more do I need to say about an 80’s horror movie that would convince you to watch it other than “It’s an 80’s horror movie”? That’s pretty much all that needs to be said.  So isolate yourself for two and a half hours. GO!  This needs to be SEENT.

Day 26: V/H/S: Viral (2014)

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Three days after its release, I was watching this on a comfy couch, in the comfort of my home.  The internet is the greatest aspect of life.

Movie begins with a dude obsessively filming his pretty ass girlfriend, on some Joe Budden shit.  Before I knew it, shit got REAL!  I got goosebumps at the 19-minute mark.  That’s unheard of!  The movie moves so quickly, you don’t have to wait AT ALL for shit to go down.

The entire V/H/S series is fun to watch.  Never a dull moment.

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I wish I could be a fly on the wall at one of the round table discussions/brainstorming sessions for these movies.  How do they come up with this stuff?  Everybody in the threads on Reddit are saying they were disappointed with this movie.  That it wasn’t as good as the first 2 movies.  That part is true.  This one lacked compared to the others and the story was confusing.  Disappointed though?  Sounds like a personal problem.  Whoever says they didn’t have fun watching this is a lying ass faggot.  Parts 1 and 2 were good because they were fun to watch and made you go, “What the fuck?”.  “Viral” did that.  So take the dicks out your asses and just accept the fact that every horror movie declines with every sequel.  Not every movie is going to have a strong ending.  Just enjoy the ride.

Day 27: The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

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Oh my God.  Why does this exist?  Please let this be the last ‘Purge’ movie.  Shit sucks!  The casting is horrible.  These actors were not meant to be in a movie like this.  They sucked.  The movie itself pissed me off.  It’s always some emotional ass stupid bitches fucking up the groove.  Let the man get his revenge, who GIVES a fuck?

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It’s like you do right by somebody and they repay you by being clingy and ruining your life.  Hate that shit.  This shit was MAD disposable.

Omar from The Wire and I share the same sentiment.  “MOTHERFUCK THE PURGE!”

Day 28: World War Z (2013)

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The unrated cut.  EXCELLENT movie.  It could’ve ended after 28 minutes and I would’ve been satisfied with just that.  So fast-paced, so intense.  You know shit is hectic when you eagerly take refuge in a project building in Newark, New Jersey.

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I officially want to read the novel this movie is based on, which is kind of backwards for me.  I prefer reading books (this sentence already sounds inaccurate) before watching their film adaptations…….on the rare occasion that I DO read a book.  See how I patched that sentence up at the end like dat dere?  (Auntie Fee voice)

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Oh, you didn’t?  Then why the hell you pointing the ca….take that mothafuckin’ camera off me and point it at the blog, SHIT!

Anyway,  the “Mother Nature is a serial killer” monologue alone made me wonder what other gems were compressed and even removed completely from the script.

I recommend World War Z to pretty much anybody who likes movies in general.  Or Brad Pitt.

Day 29: Aftershock (2012)

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Eli Roth never disappoints.  It’s all in the tagline.  Everything that can possibly go wrong in this movie, DOES!  And it’s all humanity’s fault once the earthquake is over.  Even acts of kindness result in the most unimaginable epic fails you’ve ever seen in any film.  It’s what separates this one from the others.  Every glimpse of hope these characters felt were immediately crushed.

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At one point, I figured there’s no happy ending for any of these people. They have the worst luck.  Whether I was right or wrong is up to y’all to find out.  I’m not one to spoil things.  That’s for the faggots.

Day 30: A Serbian Film (2010)

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I can not believe what I just watched.  I’m surprised this isn’t banned everywhere.  This movie is not for the faint of heart any-fucking-body.  Seriously.  Is this how Serbia gets down?

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It’s rated NC-17, so I should’ve known.  I should’ve known I was in for some fucked up shit.  I don’t even wanna say what it’s about.  If you’re curious, google it and read the synopsis.  I will say, though, that after reading about the director’s intentions, I reckon that this movie has artistic merit.  Srđan Spasojević (don’t even know how to pronounce that) said in an interview, “You’re raped from birth and it doesn’t even stop after your death.”  Now, I see the movie in a new light.  It’s still fucked up to no end, but now I know it wasn’t made to just sicken the audience as much as possible.  It was also to make a statement through metaphor.  I just don’t think the average person can sit through this.  Too graphic.

DOUBLE FEATURE!

WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A

DOUBLE FEATURE!

Day 31: Eraserhead (1977) & Pieces (1982)

Decided to watch 2 movies to conclude #ScaryMovieADayMonth because I’m a masochist and apparently, 31 movies in 31 days just isn’t enough for me.

Eraserhead

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In 2014, a 1977 movie made me say, “Whoa, how’d they do that?”  You new special effects people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

This movie is fucking weird.  Even though there’s no definitive explanation of what this movie is about, but to me, it’s basically about how life sucks balls and marriage and parenthood makes it suck dick.  And that the little bit of sleep you get as a parent sucks ass because if you’re not having a nightmare, you’re having a sweet dream that only makes you realize how much your life sucks orangutan tits once you wake up.  And that the only solution is to murder your child in cold….grits?  Oops, I just gave away too much.  Oh well, it’s not like your were going to watch this anyway.

Chicken period.

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Pieces

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80’s gory goodness.  The only copy I could find was like a videocassette rip and it looked all shitty.  PERFECT.  I prefer watching old movies like that, in their fuzzy, original picture quality.  Unless it’s a masterpiece or a movie with highly visual scenes, I don’t want to watch old movies in Blu-ray.  It’ll just unmask more flaws from already flawed movies with unprecedented clarity.  Fuck that.  Other than the few enjoyable, gory scenes, this movie is pretty bad.

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The actors where just miming recordings of their voices reading the script, you can tell.  Sometimes, their mouths barely moved while you can clearly hear them “speaking”.  There were stupid scenes that had nothing to do with anything.  Like the Kung-Fu professor scene.  Pointless.  Lots of nudity, including full frontal from both a female and a male.  That’s 2 days in a row I watch a movie with male full frontal nudity.  This is ridick-ulous.  I’m kind of glad #ScaryMovieADayMonth is over.  The pecker sightings were getting out of hand.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

– Lights Out by David F. Sandberg (2013)

Short 2-minute film.  Creepy as all hell.

Tuck Me In by Ignacio F. Rodó (2014)

Advertised as the scariest 1-minute short film you will ever see.  Sounds about right.

– Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments (2004)

The infamous countdown that I can still enjoy a decade later.  My potential list of movies for next year is already significantly hefty but it’s better if it always is.  This countdown is helping me with that.

3 years in a row.  94 scary movies in 93 days.  Not really back to back but yes, really… sort of .. kind of.

Time to go Trick-or-Treating!  Which, by my definition, is pickpocketing kids for their candy while creepily salivating over the sexy Halloween costumes the THOTS so THOTfully wear.  (I’m not doing this. It’s just my definition.)

There might even be a costume twerk-off in the middle of the street.  You never know, these days.

Happy Halloween, everybody!  *revs up chainsaw, runs like maniac through crowded NYC streets*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 1-10)

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Thank you, baby Satan!  Eleven whole months have passed since the last edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth and not 1 image of gore has been transmitted through my optic nerve, bruh.  The same can’t be said for some of you who recently watched those beheading videos online, you sick motherfuckers.  News flash: Those videos BEEN online for quite some time now.  For some reason, they were noticed by a broader audience this year.  But enough of that sick, twisted shit.  We’re here for visually stunning, fictitious flicks with the actors and the…camera angles and the……. the FAKE shit, OK?!  The scripted ones.  Real people actually being killed is terrible.  I hate it.

So last year, I mentioned something about the movie Gravity, although not falling into the genre of horror, having a horrific theme.  I also said I might save it for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth list of movies to watch if I didn’t give in on opening weekend and caught it on the silver screen.  Well, call me Mr. Patience.  I put it off long enough and that’s why I’m starting this year’s edition of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with Gravity.  So here we go.  Days 1-10.

Day 1: Gravity (2013)

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Sandra!  NOOOOOOOOO!  I mean, wait…..what’s her name in the movie again?  I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re drifting aimlessly in space, now does it?  I noticed my breathing changed while I watched this movie.  All my zero gravity fantasies were discarded with a determined long range Michael Jordan fade away.  With the tongue out.  No way in hell do I want to feel like a yo-yo that never retracts.  That’s what Sandra Bullock was for a good 15 minutes.  No control of her direction whatsoever.  On George Clooney’s string, much like the women in his life were before he chose the one to settle down with.  (It’s a miracle.)

Remember when you were a kid and your big cousin would pick you up and swing you until you begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t, unless you were on the brink of genuine, pussified tears? THAT’S WHAT THIS WAS! But WORSE.  And then to top it off, a cameo from everybody’s least favorite Looney Tunes character, Marvin the Martian.

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How fitting.  I enjoyed the shit out of this movie.  The film score did it for me.  Many feels.

Day 2: Carrie (2013)

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Well, well, well.  If it isn’t one of the best horror remakes I’ve ever seen.  All the elements are there.  Nobody can say this is a watered down version of the story or it wasn’t as captivating as the original.  The buildup, the payoff, the characters. All there.  Of course there’s minor differences.  E.g., instead of traditional volleyball, they played in a pool.  Then, of course, the modernization of the setting.  Internet instead of books, a Tim Tebow reference, and “Young Blood” by The Naked and Famous playing at the prom.  Naturally, the violent scenes are little better, visually, because technology allows that now.  Still, they kept from using too much CGI.  No John Travolta.  But his replacement is just as douchey.  No Sissy Spacek, but my God, if Chloë Grace Moretz didn’t do a hell of a job making the viewer believe she was odd and not as attractive as the other girls… I mean, I have to admit…I was a little skeptical about how believable she would be, coming into this.  The character is supposed to be an ugly duckling and Chloë is far from that.

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But somehow, she made it happen.  She made you feel for her when she was getting picked on and I was just as happy for her as I was for Sissy’s Carrie when Billy was being nice to her.  Oh yeah, can’t forget about Julianne Moore’s performance. Wow. What a fucking psycho.

Remakes that are actually good are hard to come by.  Finding any that are AS good as the original is even more unlikely, making this film a pleasant rarity.

Day 3: You’re Next (2013)

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Thirty minutes in, I was ready to say this is the dumbest movie ever.  Then it became enjoyable. By enjoyable, I mean violent & unfortunate for the characters.  “Crawling on broken glass” unfortunate.  Just when it was on it’s way to being a pretty good movie, some corny, over-the-top shit happens like some whore trying to convince her man to fuck her next to his dead mother and it’s right back to being the worst.  Soon after, a blender is neatly used as a weapon and just like that, it’s good again.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s more than decent for a movie with a million dollar budget.  I’d say it’s a good slasher.  Everybody knows slashers are not always the best movies.  As long as people die every 5 minutes, it’s worth it.  The masks in this one though, is what put the movie on the map.  The Wyatt Family in the WWE stole the sheep mask look because it works so well at creeping people out and made it arguably more menacing which only brought more attention to the movie.

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That’s the only reason I wanted to watch You’re Next.  To see that creepy ass mask some more.  Seriously considering buying one.

Day 4: Freaks (1932)

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After 3 consecutive 2013 releases, I felt the need to just watch something that wasn’t modern.  I kind of overdid it and went back 82 years.  Freaks is a movie that I knew about for like 10 years but I never had the balls to watch it.  As a matter of fact, I found out about this film while watching Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments which aired in 2004.  I was right on the money. 10 years ago.  Coming in at #15 on the countdown, the clips were so fucking creepy to me despite being desensitized from watching clips from the previous 84 entries to the countdown.  A woman being chased by a legless man and a completely limbless man on his stomach, wobbling left and right with a knife in his mouth was the image that stuck in my head since I was 13 years old.

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All types of real-life deformed people in one movie was something I just could not bring myself to watch for 10 whole years. Until now.  Apparently, the original cut was too shocking and doesn’t even exist anymore as it was edited from it’s initial 90 minute runtime to the 64 minute version that’s out there.  Shit is short as hell.  I already saw the scariest parts by forcing myself to watch a clip here and there through the years so I basically just watched a midget leave his midget bae for a full-size bitch who only wanted to marry him for his money.  Black man lights cigarette with his mouth, “One of us! One of us! We accept her, we accept her! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us!”, roll credits.  That’s it.  Great for it’s time.  Creepy chant is the most memorable part in this whole shit and the “freaks” leave a lasting image in your psyche.  A must watch for those who want to say they’ve seen the movie that defined the subgenre “cult film”.

 

Day 5: Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

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Oh, look.  I’m unintentionally back in 2013 again.

I hate way more about this movie than I care to like.  I’m giving this movie the same rating I gave the 1st one.  TD.  Trash Dookie.  It’s not fair at all that I realized it was rated PG-13 after I watched it.  But come on, y’all really liked this shit?  It was pretty scary for PG-13 but the majority of it is just jump scares.  I’m not even exaggerating, every time there was a jump scare, it was laughable.  Hands slamming down on piano keys was all they used to create suspense. There were maybe 2 good ones but I still laughed after them and it’s because there was no reason for me to be startled by a jump scare.  I didn’t flinch but if anyone did, it’s because the sound was loud and that’s just a reflex.  It has nothing to do with the possibility of something scary jumping out at you or the story being really creepy because there was none of that until like halfway through the 3rd quarter of this movie.

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I showed more emotion at the terrible shopping decisions this family made, especially when it came to house decorations and appliances.  I was like, “That wallpaper is God-awful.  And why the fuck do they have a TV with a knob on it?  What year is this?”  Other times, I was like, “So y’all just gon’ cover YOUR ears when the burglar alarm goes off and leave the baby’s ears unprotected, you selfish assholes?  Oh, that’s right.  Y’all suck at protecting.  Should’ve protected your genitals because you clearly are unfit parents.”  Movie is such a fucking drag.  You should see how the writers attempted to include comic relief.  Really, that shit couldn’t have been in the script.  It must’ve been ad-libbed on a day where the director just wanted to go the fuck home already.  PG-13 horror movies be so trash, bruh.

Day 6: Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

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I ain’t mad at this one.  I ain’t mad at any of the Paranormal Activity movies.  Truth is, they keep it fresh with the surveillance camera footage.  I made the mistake of watching this on a TV.  This is the one movie that should be watched on a laptop with some good headphones because then it feels like the actual found footage.  This time, laptop webcams were turned on on all the laptops in the house to keep tabs on the creepy boy from across the street who was sleeping over for like a week and a half for a reason I’m not sure about.  (My copy of the movie had really low audio.  Or maybe it was the loud ass fan on my Xbox making it impossible for me to hear indoor voice dialogue.)  SPEAKING OF XBOX!  A Kinect is used in the most dope way for this movie.  The special effects just keep getting better and better in this series.  The whole thing was like one big Kinect ad and I loved every minute of it.

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“Fucking Prius!”  LMAO!  The main character, Alex, yells this at someone who almost runs her over with a Toyota Prius.  I don’t understand the global hate for this vehicle but it sure is funny.  There’s a brief much-needed reminder of how the last one ended in the beginning, thank God.  The endings might not be as shocking anymore since we have an idea of what to expect but they’re still effective.  I heard the next one is not a sequel, but a spin-off.  So maybe it won’t be as predictable.  Should be fun.  Might watch that next, idk yet. ……

Day 7: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

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Psych, I’m just fucking with you.  Of course this was next. You kidding me?  I love these movies!  (Also, I have slight OCD so I couldn’t have watched anything else even if I tried.)  Holy shit, this was good!  I even forgot to take notes.  Well, not entirely.  I could revert to my tweets.

But seriously though, this is the best one out of the bunch.  This one makes the whole franchise worth it for me.  It’s the funniest, it’s the scariest, and….just fucking watch it.  That’s it.  I’m not saying anymore on it.  The next installment is called Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and it was supposed to be out in theaters on the 25th of this month.  It was pushed back to March 13, 2015 and now I’m pissed.  (Oh yeah. Movies come out on Fridays so it’s on Friday the 13th.)  I might not even wait for the next #ScaryMovieADayMonth and just go on opening day, fuck it.

Day 8: Mama (2013)

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Remember when I said PG-13 horror movies be trash? … Scratch that.  FAITH RESTORED!  THIS motherfucker right here is frightening!  The story, the acting, the score, it’s all GOOD.  The girls humming was spine-tingling, sound effects on fleek, special effects eerie as fuck.  Jessica Chastain looked pretty good with black hair.  Loved it.  I don’t even like horror fantasy like that.  I feel like most of them are not creepy enough.  I noticed that the horror aspect turned into more of a drama-fantasy at the end of Mama.  It was fitting, though, and there was closure to the story.  The entire movie was sinister so I didn’t need an over-the-top gory ending.  PG-13 rated horror movies are back in my radar.

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Day 9: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

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Feels like American Pie at first.  Then Jesse Williams aka my nigga Jackson from Grey’s Anatomy shows up.  Then a pot head pulls up in a hoopty playing Asher Roth’s “Blunt Cruisin'”.  In those first 5 minutes, I was sold.  But I didn’t think it was gonna get any better.  After all, I WAS watching a horror movie on Netflix.  BRUH. …. When I say this is one of the best horror movies I’ve seen, I’m not just talking about this year.  Or since I started #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  EVER, bro.  E-VERRRR!  Shit was creative as fuck, goddamn!  I haven’t had this much fun watching a cabin movie since the original Evil Dead.  (I’m making it sound like I saw it when it came out.  I saw that shit for the 1st time last year.)  Seriously, it was fun, it was funny, it was scary, there was blood, there was gore, there were twists, there were surprises, there were tits, there was action, …I can’t even keep going like I want to because I don’t want to spoil it.  GO WATCH THIS MOVIE!  NOW!!! It’s my new fav.

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Day 10: Alien Abduction (2014)

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Begins so serious.  Next thing I know, there’s a family on the road and Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick” is playing on the radio.

So there was really a family bumpin’ this on the way to their demise in real life I guess because apparently, this is “actual footage” retrieved from an 11 year old autistic boy’s camera.  Priceless.  This one was limited in theaters and released on VOD and yo….I’m gonna stop shunning straight-to-video movies because this was actually worth my time.  It’s barely 90 minutes long and the proverbial fecal matter hit the gyrating, bladed appliance for sure.

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It has post-credits goods and the whole Project Blue Book thing had me googling shit after the movie was over and it added a sense of reality to it.  I always go too far with the government cover-ups/military studies research after watching alien movies and I need to stop.

Bada bing, bada boom. Days 1-10: Over.

Next 10 days might include an entire franchise.  Come back on the 20th to find out which legendary horror villain I’m going with.

Peace gawd, I’m gone.  *opens airborne airplane emergency exit whilst wearing a cape*