#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 21-31)

EYE

 

That’s right, hoochie mamas & baby daddies!  I sat and watched a movie errday for a month, for the 2nd year in a row.  #ScaryMovieADayMonth is finally over.  Thank you, ass cramp relief gods, no homo.  Only the 2nd time I do this and I already found myself digging for the shortest flicks I could find.  Big mistake.  And to think, I went for the most interesting sounding short ones.  So you’ll know its longer than 1 hour and 35 minutes if I’m saying positive things about it.

Let’s see if shit hits the fan in any of these.

 

Day 21: Cujo (1983)

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Big ass rabid dog attacks.  Guaranteed to scare the shit out of kids.  Make ’em cross the street when they see a dog.  The fear of having a dog black out on you can be instilled in people of all ages though.  Good watch, well done.

 

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Day 22: Jaws (1975)

Jaws

 

This shit here!  Similarly to “Cujo”, this one would make a casual swimmer/surfer/beach-head stay the fuck out of the water.  This movie is 10 times better than “Cujo” though, to me.  In 1975, the mechanics used in this movie blew minds, I’m sure of it.  That shark looks real as fuck! ….. I mean uh ….. it’s real, you guys.  Forget I said anything.  This is simply a shark caught on tape, ironically, fishing for humans.  Yup, that’s my belief and I’m sticking with that.  (Movie is fucking real, bruh.)  But yeah.

 

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This is actually a thriller but the realism and idea of this happening was horrific enough to land a spot on the “100 Scariest Movie Moments” special on the Bravo Network.  After all, I did replace the word ‘horror’ with ‘scary’ in #ScaryMovieADayMonth for that reason.  There are thousands of thrillers that capture the audience with fast-paced action but then there are films that rely on horrific themes that were put on-screen to scare people.  I haven’t seen the movie Gravity yet, but the plot is terrifying.  The idea of being unanchored in space is gut-wrenching.  (Making a mental note to watch this next October if I don’t give in and just go catch it in IMAX this weekend.)  I put myself in the character’s shoes and feel what they feel.  I be gettin’ lost in these movies, g. Word!

It happened with Jaws.  I was sucked in.  But this dope ass, Spielberg directed classic is almost 40 years old, so I’ll stop holding up the goddamn blog to get to the new stuff.

 

Day 23: Silent House (2011)

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This remake of a 2010 Uruguayan independent film of the same name stars the youngest Olsen sister, Elizabeth Olsen.  Her performance wowed me.  I didn’t think it would be as good as it was.  If memory serves me correct, there appears to be no cuts in the scenes, giving the viewers a sense of unedited raw-ness, if you will.  Whole movie, one continuous shot of a girl FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!  I enjoyed this and your girl did… I mean … will too.

 

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Day 24: Them (2006)

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French-Romanian movie with subtitles. It’s was barely ‘ok’.  OH but wait, this is based on real events?! Oh my God! That makes this really sca….no.

O-K. That’s it.

 

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Day 25: The Haunting (1963)

The Haunting

I watched this because it’s Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror film.  Curiosity bored the shit out of this cat.  I guess he loves it for the script and neat camera shots. I’m guessing because I didn’t pay enough attention to dissect it.

What are the 5 best movie elements of all time?

Dialogue …. Dialogue …. Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue.

Ugh.

 

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Day 26: Creepshow 2 (1987)

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Here I go, picking the easiest movies to watch again. Ya’know, I kind of learned to like these somewhat light-hearted stories, so I watched the rest of the series.  Bad acting everywhere, what a treat.  It’s like watching Goosebumps or Are You Afraid Of The Dark? but for adults.  “Thanks for the ride, lady!”  Some good laughs here.

 

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Day 27: Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

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An 80’s TV show, turned movie.  Cool.  Even though it’s expected, this movie has a surprising amount of stars in it.  Christian Slater, Julianne Moore, Matthew Lawrence (Boy Meets World), Steve Buscemi, even Debbie Harry from the band, Blondie.  The list goes on.  It was like playing I Spy.  Like, “Oh shit!  Look who it is!”  “Oooh!  Where is she from again?”  On top of that, this shit was hilarious.  “You broke your promise, you idiot!  I loved you!”  *rips own scalp in 2*  … My midsection was boomin’, cuhh.  It ends with a kid throwing a suburban housewife in an incinerator and saying, “Don’t you just love happy endings?”  I lost it.  Genuine tears.  What kind of shit is that?

 

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This isn’t really a sequel, just made by the same people.  So after making this next movie on the list, the creators said in an interview that Tales From The Darkside: The Movie was the actual 3rd and final installment to the Creepshow series.  I guess they agreed with my sentiment of Creepshow 3.

 

Day 28: Creepshow 3 (2006)

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This is the only movie that ties in all the stories and show what and how they affect each story.  It’s way more simple than what I just said.  This movie is ass.  A few gruesome deaths and way more blood is shed though, I’m guessing to quench modern horror movie-goers’ thirst for disgusting guts splattering.

 

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Day 29: V/H/S (2012)

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Awwww sheeit!  This is my new favorite series.  A bunch of sick footage gathered and edited into 1 long montage.  When I tell you shit hits the fan in this, it’s because the proverbial fecal matter does indeed hit the propellers.  The deaths look a little TOO real and I found myself cringing, even after being desensitized by the 28 movies I already watched this month.  The point of the movie might not be all that but once you see what happens, who cares?  I strongly recommend this shit, unless you have a weak stomach.

 

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Day 30: V/H/S/2 (2013)

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Once again, the excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device!  It started off really stupid but picked up halfway through.  Even the fake, impossible shit makes you go, “Whoa.  Did that just…..CAN that happen?” ….. ILL.

 

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Day 31: Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

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Looked at this picture, then read how interesting the film-making process was and I was sold.  The maker of this movie, Randy Moore, actually shot a majority of this film in Disney World and Disneyland.  Get this: …….WITHOUT PERMISSION!  They had the scripts on their iPhones and made a fucking movie on the low without Walt Disney Company’s approval.  I had to watch it.

 

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Shitty.  Didn’t like it.  But then again, I don’t really fuck with psychological horrors like that.  They’re effective on me but I just think they should at least try to get a physical reaction out of the audience as well as mentally to hit a home run.  This genre is full of pop up fly balls that ultimately get nowhere.  However, this is Randy Moore’s debut and I gotta say…that was a helluva risk he took, making this movie.  It gives me the impression that he’s a visionary who soon will make something awe-inspiring.  And for that, I’ll keep an eye out for his future work.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

The Fear of God: 25 Years of ‘The Exorcist’ (1998)

Dope documentary. All the tricks they used for special effects, cool facts and creepy coincidences between events in the movie and in real life.

 

The Curse of ‘The Omen’ (2005)

This documentary scared me more than any of the movies. The things that happened to the people involved with The Omen are peculiarly bone-chilling.

 

BAM! 31 in a month again.  *wipes sweat*

Already got a few in mind for next year.  But, fuck!  I just hope it takes forever to get there.  I’ll probably get excited again during the summer, when that heat makes me beg for autumn weather again.

I need a fucking shower.  I’m outtie!  *cannon ball dives into giant washing machines*