#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

*sigh*

Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2014 (Days 11-20)

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Here I am.  I made it through the second batch of films despite the distractions.  This is usually the toughest part of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  It’s when my attention span is broken into little pieces, causing things like Fall TV show season premieres, NFL football and bae to finagle their way into my “free time” schedule.  I thought this would be a cake walk but my God, where does the time go?  It doesn’t help that I take 2 hours to watch a 90 minute movie.  My mind wanders and I find myself rewinding like a maniac.  Meanwhile, the DVR is about to burst and my iPod is dick & butt with podcasts that become irrelevant as the weeks blow by.  If you’re not sure what “dick & butt” means….. think about all the times you’ve been in the pit at a rock show or a crowded elevator.  How close your genitals came to brushing up against a pair of butt cheeks.  Yeah.  I just hope, fellas, there was always a lady behind and in front of you.

Anyhow, here are days 11-20 in short and sweet form to make it easy on the both of us.  Giddy up!

Day 11: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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“You have your mother’s eyes………and they were always too FUCKING CLOSE TOGETHER!” *stabs eyeball*

Seed of Chucky was hilarious but I wanted the old Chucky back.  The ferocious “Good Guy”.  The one who made jokes and puns right before and AFTER killing people, as opposed to joking around every chance he got.  And I got that with this movie.  Also, I can never get tired of seeing Chucky’s little feet walking to his next victim.  That little motherfucker is over-the-top with the killings too.

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Loved it, it was fun to watch and whaddya know?  This was a direct-to-video release, the first in the Chucky series, and it was better than the last one.  We live in a different time.  We can no longer treat these movies like they’re less important than theatrical releases especially when they’re this entertaining and have great surprises how Curse of Chucky had at the end.

Day 12: Candyman (1992)

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“Have you heard of Candyman?  I’ve heard of him, have you?”  “I’ve heard of some guy called the Candyman, have you heard of him?”  “Have you heard of…”

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Goddammit, was everything in the 90’s as dumb as these bitches asking the same question over and over?  Because that’s not how I remember it.  This movie is almost TOO 90’s.  Rusty sinks, empty lots, graffiti everywhere…  Don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t bad….but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t bored the whole time.  Maybe the story is just old to me.  I can’t blame the movie because I’m the one who’s late.  I’ve been joking around about saying “Candyman” five times in front of my bathroom mirror, in the dark, since the 2nd grade.  I guess it would be scary as shit if I heard the black man’s voice after saying it five times.  His deep voice was hella dope though.  He could use it to serenade the hoes but instead, he murders the hoes.  Maybe his deep voice has something to do with having bees in his fucking mouth!

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Look at the look of struggle splattered on his face.  That’s what sacrifice looks like.  If i were to look up the word “struggle” right now, I’d probably….yup, found it.

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Only watch this for nostalgic purposes.  If you’ve never watched it, don’t.  Fuggedaboutit!

And now, here’s the series I alluded to in the last post. Here’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise!

Day 13: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

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Do I even need to talk about this one?  This is a certified clizznayee.  A CLASSIC!  Go on imdb.com and read the ‘Trivia’ section for this movie.  BRUH.

If The Exorcist didn’t exist, this would be the scariest movie of all-time.

Day 14: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

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So, the reason I chose to watch this franchise is because I had watched the original a bajillion times, and I watched the 2003 remake when it came out on Pay-Per-View.  One day, I was listening to a horror movie podcast when I heard that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 much more violent than the 1st one and possibly every other sequel.  I had to see it for myself so I figured why not just watch em all in a row?  Violent it was.  It also had humor in it which took away from the terror that is Leatherface.  Why the fuck was Dennis Hopper using a chainsaw more than Leatherface himself though?  Before I go any further, I’ll just say that it doesn’t get better than this one for this franchise when it comes to sequels.  It wasn’t great, but it’s far more entertaining than the rest of them.  The protagonist is pretty fucking attractive so it’s easy to watch.  Caroline Williams was a looker back in her day.

Day 15: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

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Kenan & Kel’s dad? Wtf are YOU doing here? … The only man to take the chainsaw revving skinner head-on.  The black man.  Respect.  But the respect ends there cuz this movie was a feces sandwich with cheese.  Leatherface looks corny.  It’s easy to read about movies and like them based on the directors explanation of the direction they took.  But I saw this dung salad with my own eyes and there’s no convincing me that it was worth anything when Leatherface wasn’t on my screen, which was too often for a movie titled, “Leatherface”.  In this case, it doesn’t even make sense.  I read that this was a reboot and a sequel at the same time.  HOW SWAY?!  Leatherface has a knee brace on in this movie implying that it’s a sequel since he accidentally sawed his leg in the 1st movie so that’s what the fuck it is to me.  Reboot? What the fuck is you talkin’ about, b?  Fuck outta here with that bullshit.  It’s a sequel and it’s terrible.

Day 16: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

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Shelved for 3 years, this one actually came out in ’97.  This movie has some similarities to the original so it’s already better than the last one.  This one, however, is more annoying.  Let me get the positive out the way before I go in.  Renée Zellweger shows these other bitches how it’s done in this movie.  When you see a motherfucker with a chainsaw coming at you, you do what my Zell-wigga Renée did.  RUN. LIKE. USAIN. BOLT.  This girl was hauling ass and she had a dress on.  If she tripped, which I can’t recall, she probably got right back up because she was OUT!  No “deer in the headlights” bullshit.  Get the fuck outta there immediately.  Good for her.

Now, the negatives.

“The Next Generation”.  Nobody gives a fuck about this new Sawyer family.  We want to see Leatherface killing.  He barely did anything here.  FUCK Matthew McConaughey and his whistling S’s.  Fuck him right to hell.  Taking up all the screen time, fuck is wrong with him?  Was there any dialogue in this bullshit?  I swear all I heard was annoying screams the whole time.  Oh, right.  There was dialogue.  I heard some heffer say “mucho quicko”.  “Mucho quicko”??? What in the blue hell is that?  Bitch?!  Don’t even think about spanish.  That’s unacceptable even to a fucking mute.  Mucho quicko.  You need mucho dicko in your mouth to keep shit like that from coming outta there, dumb bitch.  WHY?!  Who allowed this gah-bidge?  All they did was take from the 1st movie, dipped it in a tub of Bling Bling the bum’s sweet and sour looking excrement and sautéed it.

Day 17: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

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*Sigh*  What a breath of fresh air….  Holy shit!  This movie came out on October 17th!  What a dope coincidence that it landed 17th being that I just started the series spontaneously.  11 years exactly.  Wow.

I remember ordering this when it came out On Demand and loving it.  Still love this.  It’s savagely violent.  I almost couldn’t finish my food just by looking at the hitchhiker.  I remember this movie like it was yesterday but it still affects me.  It’s even better now because I developed a keen eye for little details by watching so many horror movies.  Subtle shit like the leak on the ceiling in the basement forming a puddle early in the movie and noticing that’s the reason there’s a flood by the time Jessica Biel gets thrown down there.  Before, I would have probably been like, “Why the fuck is the basement a pool?”

Speaking of Jessica Biel, watching this as an adult, I noticed she’s a stone cold bitch in this movie.  She bitches about the weed in the car, then she disrespects the weed, puts everybody in danger and gets an attitude with her boyfriend over it like it’s his fault.  …….and I STILL was thinking, “Well, helloooo there, snowflake.”  Her body is on fleek!

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Shout out to Marcus Nipsel and Michael Bay for trying their ALL to get her nipples rigid.  They succeeded briefly.  But props to Biel’s jugs for defying damn near every classic element.  She went from hiding in a meat freezer, to running through sprinklers, to running in heavy rain and her nipples didn’t even flinch.  Trust me, I checked.

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What else did I notice? …. A lot of Leatherface’s past is explained.  We get to see him sewing himself a new face and his bare face, all deformed from some skin disease.

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OH, this might be a reach but the fact that the group was on their way to a Skynyrd concert could be a play on words.  Leatherface?…..you see where I’m going here?  He’s a skinner.  Maybe it has nothing to do with that and they just really love Lynyrd Skynyrd. After all, they were blasting “Sweet Home Alabama” in the car.  I can go on forever about this movie.  It’s THAT good.

Day 18: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

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Who the fuck is Tommy? I thought his name was Jedidiah.  Anyway, Jordana Brewster is one fine bitch.  Why am I just now seeing this?  Good prequel to the 2003 remake.  One problem: When Chrissie hides in what appears to be a tub of blood at first, why is her face the only thing covered in blood?  The liquid is clear when it drops off of her and the knife.  Then when she gets out, she’s completely covered in blood. WHAT WAS THIS?!  I’ll tell you what it was.  The most obvious continuity error of all time.  The beginning of this movie could’ve passed as the music video for 2Pac’s “Brenda’s Got A Baby”.  “She wrapped the baby up and threw him in a traaash heap.”  Turns out, Leatherface was a dumpster baby.

Day 19: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

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This one starts where the original movie ended which was dope.  Leatherface’s name is Jed and not Tommy.  I was glad about that.  Trey Songz dies…..HALLELUJAH!  The man can’t act, I’m sorry.  ….. Oh look, a dead armadillo.  Oh, the weird chick from LOST! She’s uh…  veryyy…..very THOTful, if you will.  This, I didn’t get.  Why is the camera always pointed at her ass?  We get it, she has a nice ass.  But why?  Especially if you’re gonna show her ass in a thong later on in the movie, why would you keep focusing on her bu..oooh I see.  Of course.  Whore-shadowing.

Anyway, the scene where Leatherface sews his new face on has never been so graphic.  So that’s cool.  What’s not cool is the way the movie tried to make us feel for Leatherface a little.  Am I supposed to feel sympathy for this guy?  I don’t give a damn if you’re my mother, if you murder innocent people, I don’t bangs wit chu, bruh.  “Ladies makeup?  What a fruitcake!”

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this movie and watching this whole collection.

40 years of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  SWAG!

Day 20: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

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Oh, we got another anniversary here!  30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Had to end the 2nd trimester of #ScaryMovieADayMonth with a goddamn classic!  This movie pushed cinema boundaries.  Changed the fucking game.  The special effects still hold up til this day.  80’s movies have the best special effects because none of it was digital.  No CGI.  Everything was crafted brilliantly for the movies.  Blood & makeup, remote control robots, all the details in the background, all that shit.  By hand.

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A Nightmare On Elm Street was unique.  Some of the scenes in this movie still impress me.  They just don’t make them like this anymore.  There will never be another Freddy Krueger to me.  Robert Englund is so good, and he has this distinct face that played as much a part as the fedora, the striped sweater and the metal-clawed brown leather glove in making this character iconic.  It just worked.  Perfectly.

20 movies down.  11 to go.

Game face: ON.

See you fuckers in 11 days.  *hangs up blood-filled piñata and picks up chainsaw while blindfolded*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

This has become one of my favorite months/holiday traditions.  Whether or not Halloween is considered a real holiday, I treat it like one.  It deserves just as much attention as the other holidays despite its lack of importance in history and origin or whatever the fuck.  So for the 2nd year in a row, I’m watching a horror movie every day for the month of October.  I mean, look….this is no different than putting up Christmas decorations before taking a massive Thanksgiving dinner shit, alright?  If you think it’s stupid, fine.  This is my shit.  So, I’ll go do me, & you go do you.  And by ”do you”, of course I mean go fuck yourself.

Let’s just get right into it.

 

Day 1: Suspiria (1977)

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The tagline for this movie is what drew me in.  A creepy dude with a deep voice in the theatrical trailer states; ”the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92”.   So I thought, “I gotta see this for myself.”  The 1st 5 minutes were pretty good, but that’s about it.

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I shit you not, the word ”terrifying” in the tagline should have been replaced with the word ”shitty”.  I’m sure it worked in the 70’s, it does have some creepy ass music that still holds up. But my God, the build up was dreadful.  To me.  I hated it but I won’t dismiss the ending completely because maybe furniture magically attacking people was frightening 36 years ago.  But no.  Fuck this movie.  NEXT!

 

Day 2: The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

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In watching Suspiria, I remembered a brief debate in the movie Juno about which horror movie was the best of all time between Suspiria (Juno was buggin’), and this other film, The Wizard Of Gore.  So I dug it up (it was on YouTube) & I watched it.  First of all, Juno was wrong.  Suspiria was not better than this.  Cinematically? Sure.  But this, also shitty movie, had disgusting corn syrup everywhere. Win!  Oh no wait…

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FAIL.  Continuity sucked, dialogue was boring as shit, & the story itself was trash dookie.  But there was this eerie feel to it & psychological trickery that’s hard to forget, unfortunately.

Verdict: The debate on Juno was worthless & stupid.

 

Day 3: Carrie (1976)

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Great movie.  Good character build.  John Travolta’s debut.  Based on the novel by Stephen King, Directed by Brian De Palma.  And to top it off, an outstanding performance by Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie White.

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I’m not about to ruin my experience of watching this movie by watching any sequels.  I only look forward to the remake.  I mean, it’s Chloë Grace Moretz! Like, come on.  Let me put it this way… if by any chance she gets kidnapped at New York Comic Con, it was probably me.  (Not serious.  (You’re goddamn right I’d do it) Nah, yea.  Nah) Like I was saying.  She’s not just smart & cute, she respects and understands there’s different methods to acting at such a young age and she loves the original.  Which can only mean she will perform to the best of her ability.  I want to hear her say ‘mama’ after every sentence, too.

But yea, I fucks with the original.

 

Day 4: The Thing (2011)

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Dope remake.  Cool special effects.

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The creatures make me want to play Dead Space for Xbox. But of course, there’s nothing like 80’s movies.  The original is cooler, to me.  Nevertheless, this movie’s good.  I recommend it.

 

Days 5-8: The Evil Dead Franchise: The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), Army Of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (2013)

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The Evil Dead? …… FIRE!

The Evil Dead, 1981

Evil Dead II? …… Pretty Good.

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Army Of Darkness ……. Not even a horror. Shit was LIGHT! It’s a comedy dark-fantasy. It would be OK if it was a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Not my favorite.

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Evil Dead remake? ……. Pretty fucking sick.  I would put it 3rd, if not, tied with the second movie.  (Jane Levy got some sexy, thick, full legs.)

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Day 9: The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

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Watched the first one last year and when the sequel was announced, I told myself, in South Park voice, “You gotta go see this movie, dude.” ……. I didn’t.  I waited til it came to me.  So I finally watched it and…..it was straight ass juice.  Butt nectar.  Rear beer.  I was disappointed.  If you go back and read my opinion on the 1st one (#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20), I obviously thought it was a good one.  So to see this sphincter milk of a movie was such a letdown.  I do, however, think that this is not the end all, be all of this series or main character.

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History shows that the biggest horror movie characters, such as Freddy,  Jason, Michael Myers, Leatherface etc., became what they are because of the fans, not the quality of movies.  Let’s face it ….. them Friday The 13th movies are garbage to the core.  With the exception of 3 or 4 slighlty above MEDIOCRE ones, that whole franchise is TERRIBLE.  The name, Jason Voorhees, is HUGE though.  The same goes for the others.  (Especially Pinhead, my God! The 1st Hellraiser is a classic.  The rest? Disposable as fuck.)

the-exorcistMy point here is … the horror movie culture doesn’t have a solid female villain character, or has had one since Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist.  The Last Exorcism Part II was based around this character, Nell Sweetzer, which wasn’t the case for the 1st one.  Why else would they keep referencing her Doc Marten boots?  It’s probably her signature style.  Every major horror movie villain has one.

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I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt because this could have been a film just to build on this character and explain why she’s “the devil”, if you will.  Maybe in the next one, she won’t waste any time and just start fucking shit up from the jump, which is what we begin to see in the end of this one.  I won’t give up on Sweetzer, but this movie was confusing.  The bad kind.  The one where it was unnecessary an not beneficial to the story at all.

 

Day 10: Pumpkinhead (1989)

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I was expecting this:

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But Pumpkinhead was this:

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Whatever.  Honestly, I chose this movie today cuz I wanted to go to sleep early & it was the shortest one on my list.  It served its purpose.  Watched it on the computer and everything was dark as Sam Jack in Django.  Didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  So, yeah.  If you’re a fan of this so called Pumpkinhead, I’m sorry but…. I didn’t have to pay attention to know that this is as special as a skid mark in a homeless dude’s tighty whiteys.

There you have it.  Days 1-10.

Comic Con all weekend.  So many thots in Chun Li & Catwoman costumes, I can’t wait.  Days 11-20 are still coming though.

Th- th- the- thih- th- THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!  *chases pig with a chainsaw*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 21-31

 

Hurricane Sandy was a tragic bitch.  That heaux not only ruined lives, but she TOOK lives.  I can’t even begin to imagine how devastating it must feel to no longer have a home to go back to.  It’s sad and I’m extremely sympathetic towards the people who lost family, lost homes by water, lost homes by fire & the people who are sitting at home right now with no light or heat as the days get colder.  I truly am.  In addition to that, I heard Halloween has been postponed and rescheduled for Monday, November 5th.  There goes the spirit of Halloween.  I toyed around with the idea of extending #ScaryMovieADayMonth and ending it on the NEW Halloween date.  But I decided that if I DO watch horror movies between today & the 5th, it won’t be counted on the list.  So today is officially the last day of #SMADM.   Some of the best AND some of the worst movies on the entire month list are in this bunch right here.  Let’s get it crackin’!  Here are days 21-31:

 

Day 21:  The Shrine (2010)

 

This movie was pure gar-baj for way too long.  Although, once the suspense and horror started picking up, it was pretty decent.  Especially for a private independent company funded Canadian movie or whatever the fuck this was.  I guess I would deem this movie “ok”.  Still don’t recommend anything but a few main scenes which can most likely be viewed on the glorious site that is Youtube.  So go right ahead and check those out.  Just make sure you scroll right on by this shit when you see it pop up on your Netflix Instant screen.  Unless you wanna see shit like this in HD:

Day 22:  Osombie: The Axis Of Evil (2012)

 

This one HERE tho……… oh. my. Gawd.  Thee worst movie I have EVER ……. EVER seen!  This one was my fault completely.  I saw how wack it looked, I imagined how wack it could be, & I KNEW this piece of skunk shit had no Wikipedia page.  No Wikipedia page should have closed the deal.  I should have taken the idea of watching it & soccer kick that shit into the Hudson River.  But I went right ahead and pressed play anyway.  This shit here exceeded any expectation of wackness I could have ever imagined.  Boy, do I feel like the dumbest motherfucker on earth?  It’s like touching the pot after momma said it was hot.  Check this out though… After I watched this, I read a review that said this movie sucked.  But it also suggested that it’s good “turn-off-the-brain” fun.  FUCK. OUTTA. HERE.  Fam, the deaths looked infinitely fake, the jokes were not funny enough for an 8 year old, & to top the feces sundae with waxed dingleberries, O-fucking-sombie wasn’t even seen until the end!  After the intro, he disappeared for what felt like the entire movie!  Why else would anybody watch this trash?!  Nobody gives a rancid necrophilic fuck about these characters and their faggot ass relationships.  GOD!

 

 

Day 23:  Quarantine (2008)

 

Why did I put this movie off for so many years?  I don’t remember the trailer much but I never forgot about this picture.  And I never will.  Maybe it’s because this movie is one of the best modern horror films I have seen to date.  Definitely top 5 horror movies of the 21st century.  I don’t care if certain things don’t make sense or how many times the characters contradict themselves.  The truth is….shit happens.  And when it does, nobody is thinking about shit but “get me the fuck out of here” and “i don’t wanna die”.  It’s pretty simple.  And I simply watch horror movies to see and feel horror.  Quarantine embodied that.  Not necessarily just in a gory sense but every sense.  Suspense, vulnerability, death, limitations, desparation, confusion, mutation … I can’t remember what else.  But I do remember this shit was fire.  I would and WILL watch this one again.

 

Day 24:  Friday The 13th: Killer Cut Extended Edition (2009)

One thing about remakes:  Typical.  Some movies take different routes with familiar elements, some just cast current babyface stars and repeat the same thing.  Which is cool, I guess.  I only had one problem with this one.  I’m fully aware that I watched the extended version, but I researched the differences from the theatrical version and the scenes were just longer for no significant reason.  Some scenes just were changed in sequence.  The beginning was made in typical slasher movie fashion.  Drunk friends sitting around making piss drinking jokes, using the word “fish” as another term for pussy and of course, the fakest boobs Michael Bay & the casting crew can find.  Which is expected anyway.  Sex scenes are expected as well.  But this shit was entirely too long.  Again, I know I watched the long version but the regular one was long as fuck too.  Mad unnecessary.  The shit was basically softcore porn.  Ironically, “Brooklyn We Go Hard” was playing in the background while they got down & dirty.  I guess they DID go kinda hard for that Cinemax type sex scene.  Hard, softcore coitus, b.  Coitus = ass ramming.  For you simpletons.  All in all, good traditional fun with Jason Voorhees.

 

 

Day 25:  Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

 

 

I was young when the 1st one came out.  And I nearly shit my pants when I saw it.  So i’m not sure if this one wasn’t as scary to me because i’m older or because this one wasn’t filmed as a Handycam POV.  Not comparing it to the original, it was good.  All the confusion caused by ghosts possessing bodies is pretty cool and interesting enough to keep you from checking how much time is left in the movie every 15 minutes.  I just kind of wish I saw this when it came out.  I would probably like it more and fear shit like this.  I still remember wanting to see it but being too scared to every time I saw the billboard poster over the KFC that once existed around my way.  RIP beloved automatic door system equipped KFC.  (Homeless dudes ALWAYS opened the door for people.)  But yea, movie was iight.

 

Day 26:  Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Excerpt from a “Halloween: H2O” review

It’s not the greatest horror film there has ever been but there’s a lot of fun to be had in its 86 minute runtime and I can definitely think of worse ways to spend a gloomy, autumnal evening; watching Halloween: Resurrection for example.

Why couldn’t I have read this BEFORE I watched Resurrection?  Day 26 wasted on a movie that’s straight buns. Trash dookie.  Feces sandwich.  Day 26 hasn’t gone to waste like this since Diddy dropped all the Making The Band artists.  Why did I think watching a scary movie with Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks in it was a good idea?  Not even a comedy.  I could watch the entire Halloween series and skip over this one with no problem at all, and I have OCD.  That’s enough validation to grab this movie & pull up a 3-point range Kobe Bryant fade-away jumper in the triddash if you ask me.

Day 27:  The Omen (1976)

Classic.  Despite having less technological advances, 70’s & 80’s horror movies are just BETTER!  It’s like they had less to work with so they focused more on creepy mannerisms, vibes, & music.  And less on all the craziness.  A simple suicide by noose is enough.  I loved this movie.  Nothing special, but that’s what makes it special.  To me. It’s just pure DIABLO.  The music made for this movie is still haunt people today.  Fucking creepy ass music, gawd.  Matter fact, do me a favor.  Just press play and read the rest of this blog with this shit playing in the background.  Here you go:

 

“Sanguis Bibimus!  Corpus Edimus!”  I’m not gonna translate that satanic shit for y’all.  Google it if you’d like.  The funny shit is, the scariest part isn’t even in the song.  In the movie, they just have a woman chanting those 4 words between scenes & shit. LMAO!  This movie and The Exorcist back-to-back in one night?  Forget about it.  Need diapers on deck, g.  I’m telling y’all.  Little kids and old people are the evilest.

 

 

Day 28:  The Stuff (1985)

 

This shit was retarded.  The little kid is a hater and there’s just ice cream oozing all over the floors and walls.  I laughed.  But I liked it.  It was very 80’s.  It was weird as fuck when the mutations started.  Too weird.  I like weird.

Day 29:  The Thing (1982)

 

Once again, 80’s.  But this one was a little more advanced somehow.  Or is it that John Carpenter is the man? … Yea, that.  It might just have been his ability to make it look advance.  I have no clue how they did it but this movie had cooler special effects than a lot of movies today.  That’s why this one is critically acclaimed.  One of the best horror films of all time.  I realized that when I suddenly felt the urge to youtube scenes from the 1951 original, watch the remake that came out recently & call my dad to ask him if he still has the video game.  I would always see it on the dresser and ignore it.  I was oblivious to the awesomeness while he kept all the fun to himself.  LOL!

 

 

Day 30:  Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

 

 

I wasn’t planning on watching any of the sequels until I was told “No, dude….they’re all good.”  And even though IMDB said otherwise, I went for it.  I agreed.  Well, I haven’t seen the 3rd yet.  But i’m sure i’ll enjoy it.  Why? …. That’s right, kids!  Because it’s 80’s!  You just can’t beat the 80’s, bro.  It’s not like these sequels are all title.  They’re actual sequels.  Same cast (for the most part), progressive storyline, and connections.  I love shit like this.  Once again, the creepiest element in scary movies is used in this one.  Old people.  The “Beast” is scary as fuck.  He looks 100.  But at the time, he was only like 59 or 60.  He died soon after the movie of stomach cancer.  That might explain why he already looked dead.  After the movie, I did my routine fact dig-up research as I do with every movie and found out he was born in Washington Heights.  Now i’m haunted f or life thinking “What if his spirit still wanders around?  What if he lived in my apartment?”   This is the scariest old man i’ve ever seen & the motherfucker was born here.  But that’s what I wanted out of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  To be petrified.

 

 

Day 31: The Fog (1980)

 

 

” Just one more.  One more movie before 12.”  … Didn’t like it.  I’m gonna cut it some slack because it came out in 1980 which means it was filmed in the 70’s.  When I see a movie was released in the 80’s I have all these expectations.  But I have to consider how good this movie looked for a 70’s movie.  And that the idea of a fog traveling against the wind filled with vengeful ghosts was probably WAY scarier at the time of its release.  I can’t say this movie is good because Carpenter made it between Halloween & The Thing, 2 masterpieces.  So yea.  I’ll say it was ok.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Family Portrait Revisited (1988)

A documentary on the 1974 original.  Interesting stuff.

-Nightmares In Red, White & Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (2009)

The title says it all.  And that it was.  Great documentary.

 

I did it!  I watched a scary movie every single day without fail in the month of October to keep the spirit of Halloween floating way longer than it usually floats.  It should be like this every year.  Which is why i’m planning on doing this again next year.  Maybe I’ll watch all Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees next time.  Or split the month in categories.  I don’t know yet.  I do know that I’ll premeditate the next.   Welp, I won’t lose the spirit until November 5th so i’ll be watching scary shit until then.  They just won’t be listed.

 

As long as when I watch them, I don’t look like this:

 

But like this:

 

 

 

C’mon guys!  Let’s piss & shit our underwear with fear!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  *crushes & lines up candy corn on glass table*