#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

the-gallows-poster

This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

the-gallows-pfeifer-brown-reese-mishler

Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

*sigh*

Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

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Olympic Gold

Oh man.  The Olympics.  This shit is golden.  There’s so much going on.  So much competition.  So much pride and honor…….So much to laugh at.

It’s hard to keep up, there’s so much going on.  Even for the country you’re rooting for.

Randumb:  “Rooting” means “fucking” in Australia

The only way to stay interested is to watch with a different mentality.  Other than the Brazilian Women’s Volleyball team looking fine, there’s only one other way to enjoy the Olympics.  Laugh.  Everything in life is better when you laugh.  Well, except diarrhea.  But you get what I mean.

Athletes falling, tripping, missing landings.  At times, it could be so intense that you don’t want to laugh at the participants crying after a mistake that cost them the gold.  But you just gotta pull out that inner asshole that everybody possesses knowingly or unknowingly and just crack up.  Come on, you can do it!  You know you’re asshole on the low.  Everybody knows it’s the way to go. (See Silent Savagery)

Now, I’m not a complete asshole.  For instance, I don’t laugh when a gymnast fails a landing and they appear to have injured something.  I give it up.  Well, the replay MIGHT get me sometimes.  But when I see them getting carted off, crying in pain but still smiling and waving, I feel for them and respect their bravery.  It sucks that all of their hard training went to shit, but they tried until they couldn’t anymore which is admirable.  EVERYTHING else makes my heart stop temporarily from rolling in the aisles though.  The way boats are rowed in those races makes me chuckle.  The struggle to score in Water Polo makes me grin.  The ass whoppings USA is giving the rest of the countries in basketball makes me pump my fist and let out an evil villain laugh.  I love it.

OH! What about when Japan bought Ukraine’s medal?

LMFAO!

Ok.  Fine.  They didn’t BUY it.  They appealed the judges’ decision and succeeded.  They were in fourth place.  Ukraine had the bronze, Britain had the silver.  Homeboy from Japan’s Men’s gymnastics team whipped out a few Benjis and the rest is history.  Now, Japan takes home silver, Britain bronze and Ukraine…well Ukraine got the fuck up out of there with nothing to show for their effort

and this face:

It wasn’t a funny situation for some.  But I found myself having to look for something to dry my face before my beard got wet while my 1-pack convulsed.  It was a challenge.  I couldn’t see with all the tears waiting in line for their turn to trickle down my cheek gracefully.  *sigh*  What a moment.

Olympic Comedy Gold.

Let’s all be semi-assholes collectively and enjoy these Summer Olympic games more by laughing.  Stop mean mugging the TV all the time, looking all concentrated.  Let it out.  Unless you have diarrhea.  You might want to let that pass first.

Signing out.  *floods Mentos factory with Coke*