#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

This has become one of my favorite months/holiday traditions.  Whether or not Halloween is considered a real holiday, I treat it like one.  It deserves just as much attention as the other holidays despite its lack of importance in history and origin or whatever the fuck.  So for the 2nd year in a row, I’m watching a horror movie every day for the month of October.  I mean, look….this is no different than putting up Christmas decorations before taking a massive Thanksgiving dinner shit, alright?  If you think it’s stupid, fine.  This is my shit.  So, I’ll go do me, & you go do you.  And by ”do you”, of course I mean go fuck yourself.

Let’s just get right into it.

 

Day 1: Suspiria (1977)

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The tagline for this movie is what drew me in.  A creepy dude with a deep voice in the theatrical trailer states; ”the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92”.   So I thought, “I gotta see this for myself.”  The 1st 5 minutes were pretty good, but that’s about it.

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I shit you not, the word ”terrifying” in the tagline should have been replaced with the word ”shitty”.  I’m sure it worked in the 70’s, it does have some creepy ass music that still holds up. But my God, the build up was dreadful.  To me.  I hated it but I won’t dismiss the ending completely because maybe furniture magically attacking people was frightening 36 years ago.  But no.  Fuck this movie.  NEXT!

 

Day 2: The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

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In watching Suspiria, I remembered a brief debate in the movie Juno about which horror movie was the best of all time between Suspiria (Juno was buggin’), and this other film, The Wizard Of Gore.  So I dug it up (it was on YouTube) & I watched it.  First of all, Juno was wrong.  Suspiria was not better than this.  Cinematically? Sure.  But this, also shitty movie, had disgusting corn syrup everywhere. Win!  Oh no wait…

Gore

FAIL.  Continuity sucked, dialogue was boring as shit, & the story itself was trash dookie.  But there was this eerie feel to it & psychological trickery that’s hard to forget, unfortunately.

Verdict: The debate on Juno was worthless & stupid.

 

Day 3: Carrie (1976)

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Great movie.  Good character build.  John Travolta’s debut.  Based on the novel by Stephen King, Directed by Brian De Palma.  And to top it off, an outstanding performance by Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie White.

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I’m not about to ruin my experience of watching this movie by watching any sequels.  I only look forward to the remake.  I mean, it’s Chloë Grace Moretz! Like, come on.  Let me put it this way… if by any chance she gets kidnapped at New York Comic Con, it was probably me.  (Not serious.  (You’re goddamn right I’d do it) Nah, yea.  Nah) Like I was saying.  She’s not just smart & cute, she respects and understands there’s different methods to acting at such a young age and she loves the original.  Which can only mean she will perform to the best of her ability.  I want to hear her say ‘mama’ after every sentence, too.

But yea, I fucks with the original.

 

Day 4: The Thing (2011)

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Dope remake.  Cool special effects.

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The creatures make me want to play Dead Space for Xbox. But of course, there’s nothing like 80’s movies.  The original is cooler, to me.  Nevertheless, this movie’s good.  I recommend it.

 

Days 5-8: The Evil Dead Franchise: The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), Army Of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (2013)

EVIL DEAD FRANCHISE

The Evil Dead? …… FIRE!

The Evil Dead, 1981

Evil Dead II? …… Pretty Good.

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Army Of Darkness ……. Not even a horror. Shit was LIGHT! It’s a comedy dark-fantasy. It would be OK if it was a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Not my favorite.

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Evil Dead remake? ……. Pretty fucking sick.  I would put it 3rd, if not, tied with the second movie.  (Jane Levy got some sexy, thick, full legs.)

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Day 9: The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

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Watched the first one last year and when the sequel was announced, I told myself, in South Park voice, “You gotta go see this movie, dude.” ……. I didn’t.  I waited til it came to me.  So I finally watched it and…..it was straight ass juice.  Butt nectar.  Rear beer.  I was disappointed.  If you go back and read my opinion on the 1st one (#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20), I obviously thought it was a good one.  So to see this sphincter milk of a movie was such a letdown.  I do, however, think that this is not the end all, be all of this series or main character.

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History shows that the biggest horror movie characters, such as Freddy,  Jason, Michael Myers, Leatherface etc., became what they are because of the fans, not the quality of movies.  Let’s face it ….. them Friday The 13th movies are garbage to the core.  With the exception of 3 or 4 slighlty above MEDIOCRE ones, that whole franchise is TERRIBLE.  The name, Jason Voorhees, is HUGE though.  The same goes for the others.  (Especially Pinhead, my God! The 1st Hellraiser is a classic.  The rest? Disposable as fuck.)

the-exorcistMy point here is … the horror movie culture doesn’t have a solid female villain character, or has had one since Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist.  The Last Exorcism Part II was based around this character, Nell Sweetzer, which wasn’t the case for the 1st one.  Why else would they keep referencing her Doc Marten boots?  It’s probably her signature style.  Every major horror movie villain has one.

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I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt because this could have been a film just to build on this character and explain why she’s “the devil”, if you will.  Maybe in the next one, she won’t waste any time and just start fucking shit up from the jump, which is what we begin to see in the end of this one.  I won’t give up on Sweetzer, but this movie was confusing.  The bad kind.  The one where it was unnecessary an not beneficial to the story at all.

 

Day 10: Pumpkinhead (1989)

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I was expecting this:

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But Pumpkinhead was this:

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Whatever.  Honestly, I chose this movie today cuz I wanted to go to sleep early & it was the shortest one on my list.  It served its purpose.  Watched it on the computer and everything was dark as Sam Jack in Django.  Didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  So, yeah.  If you’re a fan of this so called Pumpkinhead, I’m sorry but…. I didn’t have to pay attention to know that this is as special as a skid mark in a homeless dude’s tighty whiteys.

There you have it.  Days 1-10.

Comic Con all weekend.  So many thots in Chun Li & Catwoman costumes, I can’t wait.  Days 11-20 are still coming though.

Th- th- the- thih- th- THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!  *chases pig with a chainsaw*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20

 

Ok.  Let’s just get this rollin’ like I was while watching most of these shits.

 

Day 11: Hostel: Part II (2007)

 

Great movie.  Can’t remember the 1st movie but I sure as hell don’t remember enjoying it as much as this one.  I’m almost 100% sure this one was more intense.  Fucking bloodbath…LITERALLY.  Bitch showered in someone else’s heart juice.  What a mutt.  (Not a spoiler.)

Day 12: Hostel: Part III (2011)

 

 

You know what this is?  It’s pretty much Saw: Las Vegas except there’s no mind games.  It’s just people being captured and killed in different ways.  Not saying there’s no twist, but the movie doesn’t revolve around clues and trickery or …whatever.  I don’t know.  All I know is: Sick fuckheads place wagers on death choices and scenarios.  Halfway through the movie, I learned something that depreciated my perception of the movie and my hope for it to end well.  This shit went straight to DVD.  And to top the feces cake off with a little hint of ass blood….It’s not even directed by Eli Roth.  I was discouraged for the rest of the movie.  It turned out to be ok.  But it lacked compared to the last.  I just can’t quite put my finger on what was missing.  If the rumor of part 4 being in pre-production is true, Eli Roth is gonna need to reclaim his franchise before it becomes wack.  Ew, big greasy roaches.

 

Day 13: The Last Exorcism (2010)

 

To me, this movie was fucking entertaining…but not in a horrifying way.  It was just brilliant.  It reminded me of The Office.  The camera focus, the humor, the awkward side eyes.  It was just a great movie about a Reverend who doesn’t even believe in what he preaches and exercises.  It’s just a job to him.  He has one more “exorcism” to perform and he’s done with all of it.  Simple.  I recommend this one.  Even for people who don’t like horror films.  This one was my favorite of the bunch.  That’s a shocker to me being that I think no exorcism movie can touch the 1973 original.  I still strongly believe that…but this movie is just different.  It stood out to me.

 

Day 14: Scream 4 (2011)

 

 

I loved this because I hadn’t revisited any Scream movie for more than a decade, yet I knew what was going on.  The film did a great job at reminding the audience of what happened in the 1st 3 without recapping.  The intro was fresh, the ending was expected but still unpredictable.  It was obvious something crazy was gonna happen, I just couldn’t call it at all and then it just happened.  This movie was really good.  All the nostalgia this came with was good enough.  This installment of the series was still as fresh as the rest. ” New decade, new rules”.

 

Day 15: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

 

 

This one’s cool too. Although, it is a remake.  So it’s pretty much the same movie, for the most part, but with the advantage of technology.  The shit that pissed me off about this the most is that it’s not memorable.  I didn’t know it until I was looking through my ticket stub collection a few days later to learn that I actually went to see this one at the movies.  So why the fuck didn’t I remember AT ALL?  Not even after the movie was over.  I thought I just saw a movie for the 1st time.  I’m still perplexed.  Did I fall asleep at the movies?  Well, no.  Because I’m sure I haven’t done that since I was a kid.  Did I go with someone I wasn’t supposed to, so I blocked it out?  I have no clue.  The 1 part that was sort of familiar was in the fucking trailer so it threw me off.  I’m sure of one thing though….nobody gives a raw “Blue Waffle” fuck so i’ll just move it right along.  (The picture below appears to be the result of a woman being pissed about having blue waffles and stabbing it repeatedly.)

 

Day 16: Slither (2006)

 

This shit here is retarded.  Fuck this movie.  It’s kind of funny, but not funny enough.  It’s just nasty and stupid.  NEXT!

 

Day 17: Seed Of Chucky (2004)

 

 

I heard of comedy horrors.  But this is pure comedy.  Laugh-out-loud comedy.  I was dying the whole time.  It was intentional too.  Don Mancini must’ve figured out that Chucky’s sense of humor really resonates with the fans. Made room for more jokes to keep our attention.  We all know how horror movies can be such a drag at times.  Almost like this blog is sort of a drag.  I’ll just speed this up a bit.

 

Day 18: Red State (2011)

 

 

Sick religious zealots believe gays deserve to die.  So they capture them and you know the rest.  More action than horror.  Still very horrifying.  Good movie.  Different.

 

Day 19: Teeth (2007)

 

 

Bitch got pussy teeth.  Boys lose their manhood. … Get it?

 

 

Day 20: Devil (2010)

 

 

Notice how the pictures says “From The Mind Of M. Night Shyamalan”.  All this means is that FINALLY, someone went up to him and said, “Just give me your ideas and I’LL make it, you bitch ass nigga.”  And just like that, the only M. Night Shyamalan that’s actually good is born.

 

 

Well, there you have it.  Days 11-20.  Almost at the finish line.

 

Fuck this.  *horn grab piggy back rides blindfolded Satan*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 1-10

Yes!  It is.  It’s October and it has been for 10 days now.  I’ve always liked Halloween because the thought of little kids being frightened to the point of having to change underwear & being traumatized for a few hours has always brought joy to my life. Oh yea, and when they cry from discomfort.

But I haven’t celebrated it the traditional way since I was like 14.  My pores have not let a bead of struggle mask sweat escape my face or gotten a costume wedgie for 7 years now and as wack as it sounds to not take advantage of corner stores making it rain on midget Power Rangers and sexy Slutty Nurses with free candy, I’m quite content (cue Soul IV Real song).  You see, I’m an old soul. I value tranquility and shit.  So I just take a step back and let those who don’t have cavities yet happily and unknowingly take a shot at joining the family.  The “Fuck, I have a fucking cavity, I wish I hadn’t eaten all them candies on Halloween” family.  But then there’s a problem.  I still need the fear factor that strangers dressed in shit that in no way represents their true identities, blending in with everyone else gives me.  It just sucks being a thug all the time, you know?  I want to feel vulnerable again.  I want to be intimidated & taken off my gangsta ass high horse.

(News flash!  I’m not a thug and you clearly suck at detecting sarcasm.)

SO! … To keep the spirit of Halloween alive in my heart, I decided to attempt to STOP my heart everyday with a bunch of scary ass horror movies.  One a day to be exact.  As much as I would love to re-watch movies that actually scared me as a kid like “The Exorcist” and “The Blair Witch Project“, for the most part I want to use this month to try new movies and old ones I never watched.  I still might watch a few favorites though.  And of course after 10 days, I have yet to see one that makes me wrap myself tight in my blanket and sleep with the bathroom light on.  I’m such a G. *side eye*

I’m in no way saying that these movies weren’t good.  It’s just difficult to be scared of em since my Dad ruined it for me when I was like 4.  (In Spanish): “Angel, keep in mind…that’s not real blood, it’s slightly watery corn starch with red food coloring.  None of this is real.”

Anyway, I’ll just briefly run down how my October aka “Scary Movie A Day Month” has gone so far.  Here’s Days 1-10.

Day 1: Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Nothing much to say here.  Except…it’s Paranormal Activity.  Every PA is better than the others in a sense.  I like this one because it was set in the 80’s, so boring scenes became fun when I was suddenly on a hunt to find something that might’ve not existed in the 80’s.  And pointing out the things that WERE was just as fun.  I KNOW they payed a grip for Teddy Ruxpin though.  Unless someone brought theirs from home.  But yea, it was cool. The scariest part, for me,  had nothing to do with demons.  It was the old bitches.

Day 2: The Devil Inside (2012)

Old bitches are just fucking scary!  Which is why I saw the trailer for THIS movie and said, “Yea, that one oughta loosen my sphincter and make a mess”.  Boy, was I wrong.  My shit was nicely secured and didn’t even send me a sign.  It’s a “documentary”.  But I have a feeling I got the “document-itis” cuz it was just doo doo.  Besides the 2 or 3 scenes this movie offers that are actually worth watching, there’s nothing worth watching.  i don’t know how else to word it.  The ending was different but unfulfilling.  No ass vomit was splattered during the viewing of this film.

Day 3: Poltergeist (1982)

Classic for plenty of reasons.  Although, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much if “Scary Movie 2” hadn’t completely spoofed the shit out of this movie in various ways.  Still good.  Last 20 minutes are intense enough to make up for the rest of the movie if it’s not satisfying enough for you.  I can’t lie, i was waiting for the clown to choke a bitch with his over-sized trouser snake.

Day 4: The Descent (2005)

Starts slow.  Picks up at about the 35-40 minute mark.  Holds a momentum, and ends with a head scratcher.  The ending is deep and requires some thinking.  Oh but wait a minute!  I watched the UK version.  The US version basically takes away the thinking part and leaves you hanging in order to be able to continue the story with a fucking sequel. Fucking great!  Way to ruin a perfectly solid movie.  Whatever, the US version ending is like every typical horror movie ending.  But that’s why, to me, it sucked ass compared the UK version.  Anywho, as you can see in the picture below, bitch tripped and fell in a pool of blood.  Kinda looks like a sewer if you make believe she’s not there.

In case you didn’t know, I have mild OCD (not really).  So naturally, I decided to see what the fuck the sequel was for.

Day 5: The Descent Part 2 (2009)

*Sigh*  It was cool.  The action didn’t take as long to heat up, a few cool mutilations and WHADDYA KNOW?!  A SHIT ending!  Dammit!  It’s like they do it on purpose.  As entertaining as the rest of the movie was, the ending was stupid enough for me to wish this whole sequel away, seriously.  I would have preferred for the UK version of the 1st to stand alone than to have a misleading ass sequel that takes you for a rollercoaster ride only to unbuckle the safety belts and derail as soon as it reaches the highest peek at top speed.

Day 6: The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

This fucking film here. SMFH!  This is probably the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  The thing about it is…the human centipede isn’t even the most disgusting part.  Sewing lips to buttholes isn’t even the worst part.  (Although, a staple gun is used in this one.)  Besides, “ATM” is not that unusual these days anyway. …. I’m kidding.  It’s not like ass eaters eat shit, I know.  Anyway, the psychological torture I went through watching this shit was unbelievable.  I don’t let things get to me at all and at a certain point, I was legitimately ready to just turn it off and call it a night .  I feel my neck stiffening & my brain swelling up just thinking about it.  Ugh.  Be careful what you wish for, guys.  I wanted to watch something that scared me and was nasty.  And that’s what I got….but to the 20th fucking power!  This motherfucker is demented, yo.

Day 7: Apollo 18 (2011)

This movie is supposedly a bunch of footage of astronauts in the 70’s landing on the moon and…well, I don’t wanna spoil it.  I kept in mind that this is actual footage to scare myself and it kind of worked.  I was all into it.  But this is not one those movies that you watch with a Monster Energy Drink® as your choice of beverage.  You gotta be tired enough to want nothing more than to sit down and attentive enough to stay awake.  Movies that are accompanied by a website to further push the story isn’t a new concept.  But in this case, …. let’s just say I found myself reading about Richard Nixon and government cover ups and how the US government secretly have some knowledge of what’s on the moon besides rocks and shit.  Like “moon herpes”.  Oops,  was that a spoiler?  Sorry guys.  The point is … their website is freakishly realistic and I was spooked.

Day 8: Insidious (2010)

Fam, fuck this movie with an Aids dick.  I’m pissed.  It wasn’t horrible but it was nowhere near fantastic.  The best part was the little kid falling from the ladder.  That boy busted his shit! LMAO!  And what the fuck was up with the demon?  He was basically Darth Maul on bath salts.  He didn’t have his own identity til like the end.  I mean, ok.  It was so bad, it was funny.  So I guess it IS worth watching with the right people.  But the fact still remains.  This movie should be rated TD – Trash Dookie.

Day 9: Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Besides realizing that I have seen more than enough of this movie in the past on the SyFy channel (formerly known as Sci-Fi, which it still is, only written in a gay way) AFTER watching it whole, it was ok.  It just wasn’t my cup of tea.  Like, why the fuck would you cast Rah Digga in ANY movie?  Horror movies do NOT require ratchetness.  She tried toning it down, but when the ghosts pop up, her ghetto demeanor just exudes through her pores.  I gotta admit though, the deaths were fucking awesome!  Very snazzy.  But I hate the PG-13 feel.  The film score makes you forget it’s rated R.  The only reminder of this being an R rated film was the nudity.  Two words:  Ghost Tits.

Day 10: Stigmata (1999)

And then there’s the crap I subjected myself to yesterday.  I’m sure this movie is accepted by many people.  But from the bottom of my heart, get this shit the fuck outta here, b.  I mean, how are you going to portray an exorcism without having the possessed chick blurt out outlandish obscenities at the priests about sex or demonic shit?  Shit was the weakest exorcism ever.  Idk if it was because it was interrupted or because it was a corrupt Catholic priest… I don’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  I didn’t care enough.  I can’t stand Jesus-y horror movies. Jesus ain’t scary, nigga!  He’s only scary if he was a stranger sitting next to you on the bus, word to Joan Osborne.

This movie had 4 memorable moments.

  1. The train scene where the priest asks the Frankie, the protagonist, “May I help you?” and the demon had already taken over her body and she says, “No one can help me now.  I’m fucked.” & proceeds to rip the cross off a nun’s neck.
  2. The part where she beats up the priest, throws him through a glass door and repeatedly slices her own arms with a knife all because he didn’t wanna thrust her vaginal walls.  I never seen a man be so against beating cheeks and on the other hand, a woman so desperate to make a deposit in her meat wallet.  But we can’t expect a priest to fuck an atheist possessed by a demon.  We just can’t.
  3. The room on fire looked pretty cool.
  4. And last but certainly not least – because it was the only thing that got me to react physically – her fucking sandals, b.  When the camera panned to her footwear, I felt my nuts doing chin ups in my scrotum.  I laughed so loud and hard.  Just LOOK at her feet, buzzin’! …

Platform chancletas.  LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welp, there you have it.  “Scary Movie A Day Month” Days 1-10.

Hope I have inspired you all to face the fact that it’s getting nippy outside and watching a movie in the dark wrapped in your blanket with munchies late at night isn’t a bad idea in the least.  Especially horror movies in October.  Gotta go and continue my festivities with Day 11.

I’ll holla at y’all in 10 days for the 11-20.  Peace!

*crawls in dead cow carcass and catapults from human slingshot*

NYC Vs. Soda (#Sadderday For The Thirsty)

NYC banning super-sized sugary drinks is not that big a deal.  Just think about it.  When was the last time you said, “Shit. I’m thirsty as fuck. Let me grab an X-Treme Gulp from 7-Eleven” ?

If you have, I think you have bigger things to worry about.  Like, oh i don’t know, ….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO THIRSTY?!  Not even on Instagram has the urge to quench parch reached such severity. And with all the ass & titties floating around that app, Instagram is probably the biggest gathering of cotton-mouthed individuals known to man.

To those of you who go to the movies or restaurants and look forward to nearly drowning yourselves with fizzy liquified candy, you’re probably wearing all black right now.  The funeral for your favorite cup size is near.  But like the people who try to jump on the caskets in funerals, look up to the sky & scream “WHYYYY?!!!!!”, what y’all have to keep in mind is this:  It’s not the end of the world.

You have to remember the good times you had with your deceased cup size and be thankful it ever even existed.  For fuck’s sake, kids in Africa still have to walk miles to the nearest river to drink sugarless ass water….with their HANDS!  Why you crying? (In my best George Lopez impression.)
We still have soda.  We can still get up and get our very unnecessary refills.  Besides, I’m sure there’s a way around this shit.  We ALWAYS find loopholes.  We can’t stand being told what we can or can’t do, so we go out of our way to find little shortcuts and shit.

Guess what’s gonna start happening?  Ratchet ass people are gonna start smuggling 2 liter Pepsi’s into “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D” only to spill it when Trey Songz gets his big ass nose hacked off.  Hey, New York Health Board, look what you just did.  Now, ratchet hoes making a scene in the theaters because they don’t wanna be touched by security will become the norm.  Are you happy?

We’re just gonna have to deal with the fact that people WILL start walking around with soda-filled gasoline jugs everywhere they go like Big Sam from The Eastside Boyz.  *facepalm*

SMMFH!

Oh wait a minute! I forgot….who drinks soda anymore?  If you ask me, it looks like everybody drinks Ciroc & Henny for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.  Some of y’all are willing to swap your blood for Patrón to flow in your veins for the rest of your lives.  I swear, it’s like nobody drinks water or juice anymore either.  It’s liquor, liquor, liquor all day, every day.  So I guess nobody will be affected by this law after all.  And this blog is useless.  *sigh*  Oh well, fuck it.

I’m outtie. Quench your thirst, folks.  (Go ahead. Double tap shorty’s picture)

*dives in pool of Mango nectar. No trunks*