#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*


The Dopeness: ‘Backstage’

*sigh*  The good ole days.   Rough, rugged & raw hip-hop days.  When baggy jeans and headbands were deemed fashionable in the mind of every rapper and fan who listened to them.  The Hard Knock Life Tour was documented in this film to show how dope it was.  It was ratchet and beautiful at the same time.  Despite seeing an unprecedented amount of Phat Farm jeans & two tone Du-rags, the film kind of makes you want to go back to that era of hip-hop or at least to one of the shows on that tour.  That’s of course avoiding any possibility of even THINKING about putting on a two tone Du-rag.  No, for real…that shit was ridiculous.  Like, look at your man’s…

Fuck is wrong with him?!  Why the face?  Oh, I know. ….. It hurts, doesn’t it?  To carry such struggle cloth on your head.  I feel you.  It’s a painful thing.  That still don’t mean you gotta bite your lips, you lame.  I’m off it though.

Moving on from that fuck boy.  The Hard Knock Life Tour was special.  It was Roc-a-Fella, Ruff Ryders & Def Jam hitting the road & the stages together night after night.  Jay-Z, DMX, Method Man, Redman, Beanie Sigel, Ja Rule, Memphis Bleek, DJ Clue?, Amil and appearances by Busta Rhymes, Eve, Swizz Beats & Puff Daddy.  And then you had Dame Dash running around like always.  You can see DMX bringing his pit bulls into 5-star hotels with zero fucks to give, Jay-Z mopping everybody’s ass up in dice games, Meth & Red being Meth & Red and ugly ass groupies being fondled by a group of thugs.

Jay-Z is also seen decking some girl in the face softly.  To me, Jay poked fun at that “hoe” in 99 Problems 4 years later.  But he quickly disguises it by claiming the “hoe” reference was directed to a man.

Now, once upon a time not too long ago, a nigga like myself had to strong-arm a hoe.  This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy…but a pussy having no goddamn sense, trynna push me. – Jay-Z in 99 Problems

Very clever, Jigga.  But I know you already.  You and your little subliminals intertwined with double entendres can’t fool ME anymore.  You were definitely making fun of this:

Notice Hov’s shirt.  White tee sleeve poppin’ out.  Smh.

Anyway, it’s fun to watch what happens on a big Hip-Hop tour.  Especially since there aren’t many.  Quite frankly, there just isn’t enough unity in Hip-Hop anymore for something like this to ever happen again.  Sure, an artist can bring a whole bunch of people out.  But it’s usually solo artists.  Think about it.  What are the chances of there being a tour with all the crews out now?  G.O.O.D. Music, Young Money, Maybach Music Group, Shady (1.0 & 2.0), Grand Hustle & Roc Nation (solely for the purpose of having Jay-Z).  No matter how you cut it, it’s hard to imagine at least 3 of these on 1 tour together.  It’s funny how skinny jean wearing hipsters have more beef than former hustlers wearing Karl Kani & Iceberg.  Shit sucks, yo.

I’m glad those two tone Du-Rag days are over in a way though.  Unless you’re located in Brooklyn.  Y’all are probably still hitting up clubs with baggy jean jackets, ‘jorts’ and struggle cloth under over sized fitted caps.

Whoever spots one of em, pull your camera out IMMEDIATELY! …….Secretively.

Thank You, Goodnight.  *goes Kayaking in Hudson River*