#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 21-31)

1….2….3….4…. 5!
5 time! 5 time!

Niggas and niggettes… for five consecutive years, EYE subjected myself to some of the most vile, gruesome, sinister and sometimes ridiculous, boring, abominable moving images ever concocted.  All in celebration of what I personally feel is the most underrated holiday, Hallo-mothafuckin’-ween!

Day 21: The Gallows (2015)

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This shit right here had me so conflicted.  I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with this much potential fall flat on its fucking face. The acting, OH MY GOD, the acting.  I wanted to rip my fucking ears off. I couldn’t stand these vanilla ass niggas trying to hold our hands, babying us every time they wasted silence to announce an obvious observation they made. In found footage, we already see what the character sees. He’s holding the fucking camera! LET US SEE WHAT YOU SEE! Stop saying what you see out loud!  It’s not natural.  It’s stupid.

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Day 22: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

*sigh*

Look, this shit is dated, alright? Granted every 70’s movie is dated. They either had the magic or they didn’t. There’s no magic here. “A True Story” is the only fascinating thing about this because it actually is a true story. But it doesn’t mean the movie’s good because the events actually happened. Besides, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre already scared the crap out of everybody with a good film 2 years prior to the release of this one. Come to think of it, living in Texas in the mid-70’s must’ve been fucking terrifying with these movies out. Apparently, what they show in the movie doesn’t compare to the actual real-life Texarkana Moonlight Murders. I wonder if “the Phantom killer” attached a knife to a trumpet and simulated playing it as he stabbed one his victims in real life. Regardless, it was retarded. Like there being some comic relief smack dab in the middle of a non-fiction adjace horror about a serial killer was retarded. Don’t watch this. You want genuine horror? Just read about the murders. There’s even pictures of the crime scenes.

Day 23: The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Decent slasher….. when the killings are happening. This movie is so ridiculous, I’m fucking astonished. It’s so dumb, I hate it. It’s a shame cuz the kills are worth watching. Youtube it, there should be a kill compilation. The kills here are better & could’ve been more successful if a remake came at the same time as Freddy & Jason. This shit is like 30 years too late.

That’s about the only positive about this shit. I don’t wanna see Anthony Anderson as a sheriff,  everything is mad 70’s even though it takes place in 2013 and the music is from 2013, like…..no. Fuck this. Inconsistent lookin’ ass. With both these movies, the simplicity of the title is what drew my attention. It’s so generic but it made me ask what it was that was so alarming that made a whole town not want the sun to go down out of fear. I wish I never found out.
Day 24: Curve (2015)

Rape is not funny. HOWEVER……….the rapey comment made in the car scene was hilarious because it came outta nowhere. Welp…I just ruined the best part of the movie. Sorry, not sorry. Just….here.

While we’re on tweets…

Day 25: Grace (2009)

So… I’m drinking some delicious, milky, creamy oatmeal and the movie wants to show real footage of cows being slaughtered. I was pissed. That wasn’t even the controversial scene. The infamous stomach churning scene comes much later in the movie. It wasn’t the old lady handjob like I suspected. It was actually a mutilation scene. I didn’t do my research, I just know by the amount of …I just know, bruh. It was graphic. Anyway, good independent film. Sick.

Day 26: Extraterrestrial  (2014)

I was shocked. This was surpisingly good. Surprising in that I didn’t expect it to be, not that it was amazing. I was sleepy as shit, dozing off in the middle but i got the damn point. ‘Twas good. I made up an alternate ending in my head that would’ve been the fucking coolest shit ever but I don’t wanna spoil anything. Ok, I lied. I just forgot what it was. What I won’t forget is one of the scenes on here that involves some controlling of the mind. When it happened, my face took it upon itself to appear as if I was trying to blow smoke rings. It was madness.

Day 27: Martyrs (2008)

I’m blown the fuck away. I can’t begin to explain how twisted this movie is. It’s fucking brilliant. I sat in my seat for 20 minutes after it was over completely still, in the deepest thought. I questioned life, I questioned death, I questioned afterlife, I questioned why the good movie momentum became strong right when October’s coming to an end. I even remember wondering how I’d ever enjoy any horror movie after this. This was next level shit. Not for the faint-hearted at all. Please, if you decide to watch it, do not watch with the English dubbed audio. Watch the regular with subtitles. Just…trust me.

Day 28: Martyrs (2016)

If you saw this first, it’s fine. But once you’ve already seen the original, this is hollow. It’s centered on the characters rather than philosophical experimentation and it’s too matter-of-fact. Doesn’t leave you thinking enough to be something you want to decipher in conversation. Also, there’s just something about lesser known actors that make movies feel fresh. Ellis Grey shouldn’t be torturing people. She’s Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy and that’s who she’ll always be to me. 

In this retelling , there’s a significant difference in the 2nd act that made me rethink about where i thought this remake was going. After that, the possibilities were endless. Sure enough, the ending was what I suddenly learned to be typical American cinema. Less to think about once it ended. Again, it’s fine. 
Day 29: Viral (2016)

Not interesting enough for me to want to talk about this one. If you’re weird about holes in skin, stay the fuck away from Viral. Oh,  and RIP Machine Gun Kelly …..spoiler alert. 

Aye, since I brought it up, can we slap mothafuckas who say spoiler alert AFTER they spoil shit? 
WAIT! … Starting now.

Day 30: High Tension (2003)

The return of head-head but this time, it’s umm… i don’t wanna say sicker. I’ll just say it was straight up necrophilia. …. and it was cordless. Portable mobile sloppy toppy. He had the iThroat 7 plus, b. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wtf?”. As you should. This is a “WTF?” movie.  The gore is great and if you try hard enough, you can justify some of the problems with this film. I tried. Now, I’m allowed to like the movie because I made sense of it. It’s one of those. 

Day 31: The Witch (2016)

Fantastic. Damn, what a cast of actors. I turned the captions on because the old english is hard to follow when you’re not prepared to follow it for an hour and a half. I’m glad I did. This movie demands your undivided attention with the dialogue and you have to understand what’s being said to appreciate it. The horrific images are kept limited but because of it, they’re effective. All the performances were great, including the kids. Ralph Ineson’s deep ass voice is bad ass. He could get anybody’s attention with that shit. All these ingredients made for a perfect way to end #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (Fucking phenomenal show!)

Amanda Knox: A Netflix Original Documentary (Very interesting and waaaay scarier than horror movies because…real life.)

The Exorcist (TV Series) (Not what I hoped it would be. But fine.)

A toast! …. Here’s to five more bloody years!

*holds up polyethylene plastic cup filled with hydrofluoric acid*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 11-20)

Back again like Beanie Sigel trynna scrap again. Not putting up a good fight this time around is what I mean. I’m not with the scary shits that much right now. I can barely sit through a half hour show this week. If you thought the last post was short, this recap can’t even get on the kiddie rides at Six Flags.

Day 11: Knock Knock (2015)

So I’m watching Knock Knock and I’m like, “wait….where’s the horror? This is a fucking sexual fantasy.
And wtf is up with Keanu Reeves’ nipples no homo? They look like pepperoni with pimples.”
I swear, Keanu never shook that dumb ass Bill & Ted meat head trait. Am I the only one that thinks he might be slow? Keanu’s acting suuuuuucks with the exception of maybe two scenes and even then, his lines are ridicuolus.

Still, this is the easiest bad movie to watch. The two girls that show up and take over the whole movie are fucking gorgeous. Lorenza Izzo is the reason why I wanted to watch it in the first place.
This movie is barely horror. It’s whore-or.

Day 12: Squirm (1976)

The amount of worms used in this movie is over the top. I have to imagine hundreds of worms got stuck under the actors’ shoes. Disgusting.
They had some fakes in there but when they show the real ones up close, it’s a little much. … and why does the score have lyrics? This shit got a soundtrack? Oy vey!

But it doesn’t matter cuz this movie is ass.

Day 13: The Shallows (2016)

Blake Lively aka Mrs. Deadpool. You know what? She can cry. I enjoyed it. Movies that take place in one location might be my favorite. The setting is established and the rest of the movie focuses solely on character dynamics. Hell, the setting IS a character. Especially when they’re kept to a minimum. Even the shittiest film can have a captivating performance. Just gotta set it up. This wasn’t a brilliant movie but it made me root for Lively’s character Nancy. It was thrilling. I had myself a time with this one. Thanks, Redbox.

Day 14: Holidays (2016)

Watching anthology horror films is basically watching a commercial-free hour block of Goosebumps for adults.
If one short is trash, who cares? It’s only like 13 minutes long. Had to cuz Lorenza Izzo is bae. I was surprised to see the Epic Meal Time guy in a movie. Handful of familiar names here. Kevin Smith, his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, the very talented Jocelyn Donahue, Seth Green and a bunch more. Some shorts were weird or dumb, some were good. At least watching this, you don’t need to commit. It’s not tied with a bow at the end. It’s like a handful of holiday themed YouTube videos thrown in one collection and given a title.

Day 15: The Monster Squad (1987)

“I know you are but what am I?” Who didn’t say this as a kid?
This was a quick watch, really short. There are some genuinely scary moments here despite being a comedy about a group of kids. Overall, this is legitimately a funny, cute, scary movie. Perfect way to spend a chilly October night. Watch this movie right here. Not to beat a dead Mr. Ed but it was the 80’s, man. Even the shitty stuff was worth watching. No worries here, though. The Monster Squad is a blast.

I’ll steal what Chad Gilbert from the band New Found Glory used as a tagline for his showing of this movie in his theater for his Movie Gang event. “If you liked Stranger Things, you’ll love Monster Squad.”

Day 16: The Visit (2015)

This movie is CHILLING. I didn’t think this movie would be what it is but I’m glad it’s not what i thought. OLD. PEOPLE. ARE. CREEPY. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.
So I’m watching The Exorcist episode 4 and the grandma from The Visit makes a cameo as a nun and I almost wanted to stop watching. I was like, “Naaaah. NOPE. I’m out.

To me, she’ll always be the grandma from The Visit. I could do without the little boy’s cringeworthy raps but everything else was really good. M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong, I’m impressed.

Day 17: Don’t Breathe (2016)

YO. I just want Jane Levy and Sam Raimi to keep making movies together. Don’t Breathe had me on the edge of my seat. It’s one of those movies with a lot of grey area. Nothing is clear-cut. The victim isn’t obvious here. And that’s why it’s brilliant. You don’t take sides 100% …. until you take a side. Shit like this is why I sit through all the garbage. I only hope to run into a gem like this every now and again.

Here’s a quick trivia straight from IMDB to show you what I mean.

*”It’s shit like that” drop*

Day 18: Christine (1983)

“TTFN …. ta ta for now” This was the lingo in the early 80’s. Sound familiar?
Anyway, so I’m watching Ash Vs. Evil Dead,  and in the most recent episode, a possessed car goes crazy and starts killing people. So you know what I said. I said, “Fuck it, I’ll watch Christine next.” This is the OG of possessed cars.

It’s a cunt hair too long. Some scenes go on for a bit too long, could’ve been perfect if it was 10 mins shorter. It’s John Carpenter though so obviously it’s good. Some scenes made me in 2016 go, “How did they do that?” Seriously. The visuals they created with the effects they went with were impressive even by today’s standards.

Day 19: The Last Horror Film (1982)

Excuse to see boobs. Joe Spinell, certified fucking creep in this one. Sign of the times, quality wise. The gore was iight. There are some swerves in this one though. I can imagine this blew some minds at the time. Now, it’s nothing new.

Day 20: Bloody April Fools (aka Los Inocentes) (2015)

My soul was dying, it was 5 am, and I had to get a movie in.  Browsed Netflix and saw “1hr 8mins”. That’s literally the only reason I chose to watch this low budget film from Spain. No clue it was gonna be all in Spanish until it was rolling.
This was everything you’d expect an indie horror to be. Maybe two OK moments, some humor, a semi-twist, blood, swearing and sex. This shit is a slow motion jog away from being a boob fest. No matter what this movie is though , I can’t be mad at it. It’s as long as an episode from a Netflix original series. I don’t care.

Oh, thank God. I got these in right on time. I’m gonna go die now.

TTFN. *ties lasso to my life jacket & shark fin while wearing boxing gloves*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s fucking over.  What’s that? Like 100+ movies since 2012?  Bruh.  Somehow, this is the first time I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to push through the last week.  Must’ve been the convenience of starting with all Netflix picks.  Or maybe it was cuz I watched almost all of these at midnight so i had a whole day ahead of me to plan.  Maybe I’m just getting used to it.  Fuck it, I’m just old.  Months fly by quicker the older you get.  Yeah, that’s it.

Day 21: Crimson Peak (2015)

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Let me paint the picture for y’all. It’s 10 AM on a Wednesday.  Reserved seat dead center of an IMAX theater.  7 people scattered, 600 seats in total.  2 exits in the back and the only person sitting behind me is a man is business attire a few rows back.  A 2 hour movie about ghosts didn’t scare me as much as my mind did in those first 15 minutes of me sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start.  For 15 minutes, all I could think about is WHAT IF  someone just stands up and starts shooting.  But even if my girlfriend didn’t successfully put that fear in my hand for a short period of time, this movie still couldn’t scare me.  This movie couldn’t scare a kid.  It was not at all what I expected it to be in terms of being a horror movie.

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However, it was dare I say an excellent drama.  Mia Wasikowska as Edith Cushing reminded me of a young Claire Danes for whatever reason.  Her soft face contrasted with Jessica Chastain’s strong features.  That girl’s got a broad chin……CRIMSON CHIN! Ba-dum-ch!

I noticed a few audio/visual synchronicity issues early in the movie but nothing too serious.  Good story, lots of drama, great movie.  I think I might want this on Blu-ray because visually, this mothafucka was beautiful.  Some scenes looked Titanic adjace. (Early 1900’s)  Guillermo Del Toro did his goddamn thing.

Day 22: Ouija (2014)

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“Producer of Insidious” … THAT part is apparent.  I didn’t li-…… It just wasn’t go-…. It was whatever.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Y’all know how PG-13 horrors go.  Potential but no pay off.  Not only that, the acting.  Olivia Cooke is a beautiful girl but she has the same face on the entire movie.  She looked the same when she was shocked, sad, scared, worried, curious, doing her googles. Just all the time.  She’s young, she’ll get it right in the future.

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I don’t think I’ve seen many bathroom sinks to the head in horror movies but it happened in Crimson Peak and saw it again in this movie.  Back to back bathroom sink kills.  I could see how this movie can work on a kid who’s never heard of a Ouija board before.  I can at least say this movie came out at a proper time since all kids know about nowadays are iPads. But yeah……*raspberry*

Day 23: Frozen (2010)

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Same here, Harry Knowles.  I loved this damn movie.  It was a very stationary, simple movie but it wasn’t boring at all.  It’s about a terrifying situation that lots of people fear, but doesn’t happen because ski resorts are inspected to prevent it, but is still scary as fuck.  Being left and forgotten on a chairlift high off the ground.  This film sucks you in emotionally with the score and the acting, specifically Emma Bell’s and Shawn Ashmore’s performances. *COUGH*Animorphs*COUGH*

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That’s bae.  Has been ever since she portrayed Amy on The Walking Dead. … which came out after this movie.  So basically she was bae before I knew she was bae cuz she’s a babe in this movie.  I don’t know if she still is now but I’m pretty sure she could still be bae.  Anybae way, I noticed almost, if not everybody has blue eyes in this movie.  Purposely? I don’t know.  IMDB could help me out with….OH MY GOD.  The trivia on this movie blew me away.  To avoid spoiling events in the movie, I’ll just isolate one for y’all.

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That. Is. Crazy.  Rest of the Q&A HAD to be awkward.  The rest of the shit I read on IMDB just makes this movie officially one of my favorites.

Day 24: The Vatican Tapes (2015)

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If I were the devil, I’d possess this fine ass bitch too LAWD!

But I want to know……why women? Why are only women possessed in these movies? Why won’t the devil possess men? Would getting inside a man make the devil gay? Is he homophobic? I wonder…
At least this exorcism was kind of different. The whole thing was ‘meh’ until the very end. The movie closes with so much possibilities. Is this it? Could Angela Holmes be that iconic recurring female character in horror that I’ve been talking about?

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I hope so.  The final shots of the movie were promising.  I sure hope that if there were any sequels in the future, that they actually make more sense. Some scenes were choppy and some were just ridiculous.  Like how the fuck can the devil shape shift into a clone of the person they possessed?  Why were there two Angelas? What the fuck.  Why the fuck does Michael Peña play a priest?  Why is an older man calling him “father”?  NO.  Next!

Day 25: Cooties (2014)

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I cried.  It starts with some light comedy and then shit hits the fan, hilarity ensues and I cried laughing.  The first 30 minutes were just back-to-back jokes, fast-paced comedy and blood everywhere.  It’s very colorful and as the movie progresses, it gets darker and scarier.  It goes from being a horror comedy to a comedy horror but it keeps it’s schtick and that’s why this was a fun watch.  I recommend this shit to anybody.  Especially fans of TV comedies.  Look at this cast.

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SQUAD!  At one point, Rainn Wilson starts dropping one-liners out his ass.  What more can you ask for?

Day 26: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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Wait……Margot Kidder was hot???  Really?  I watched the whole Superman movie series and not once did I think, “Damn.  Lois Lane is one fine bitch!”  But I did while watching this.  Like, come on.  She had ribbons in her pigtails.  Anyway, this shit was hilarious.  There’s a nun playing blacktop basketball.  I was dying.

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I just love the shitty editing of the 70’s.  And now I know where that Scary Movie 2 scene came from with the priest and the flies….he really looks like he was taking a shit.  Good shit, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Day 27: Unfriended (2014)

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Don’t know if this movie was actually good, but I was fucking glued.  The entire thing from beginning to end is a video screen capture of a girl’s computer.  I watched it on my laptop as everyone should for that authentic feel.  Preferably on an Apple computer but if you don’t have one, just pretend that your laptop is, like I did.  After the movie was over, I felt weird Googling stuff.  I felt like I was a character in the movie and I was being haunted.

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This shit was pretty cool.  It’s so original and creative.  Kudos to the producers for effectively executing such a unique film.  Lots of “Oh shit!” moments on here.  The acting starts to get ridiculous and cheesy half way through and unfortunately, the viewer can be temporarily reminded that it’s just a movie but it doesn’t really matter once you’re interested.  The ending was flawed but only from a technical standpoint.  I’ll take it though.  Technology, man.  It’s changing the landscape of cinema.  This one’s for the ‘Skypers’.

Day 28: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

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I did a terrible job at picking movies this year.  I want to be scared, not bombarded with action sequences.  I don’t fuck with action movies all that much.  There’s only so much you can do with them.  However, I ain’t mad at this one cuz it was fucking awesome.  If it’s action, there gotta be some serious ass-kicking or else I’m not interested.  This bitch right here? Badass.

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There was some horror in there somewhere, I guess.  Barely.  Originally an anime film but I was not about to watch that shit too.  Not now anyway.  Some of the special effects are god-awful.  Super trash.  All is forgiven once Saya starts slinging that katana though.

Day 29: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

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Maaaaan, there’s nothing like 70’s and 80’s horror movies.  If they’re not fantastic, they’re so terrible that they’re good.  If they’re neither, they’re weird enough to stay with you for a long ass time and the images of the movie replay in your mind to the point where the memory of it is more vivid than all your other movie memories.  Don’t Go in the House is both good and weird.  It’s good BECAUSE it’s weird.  The movie focuses on the psychotic killer, as opposed to the victim of the psychotic killer.  The first act of violence in the movie is so gruesome that, despite the noticeably shitty special effect, the movie was banned in England and Wales.

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We’ve probably seen crazier shit over the years but at the time, it was pretty crazy.  Speaking of crazy, this motherfucker Donny, man.  What the fuck, bro?  Had me believing Dan Grimaldi, the actor who plays Donny, is really crazy.  He look like Bob from That 70’s Show in some scenes though LMAO!  Anyway, pretty solid horror film.

Days 30: Demons (1985)

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What the fuck did I just watch?  This shit was type trash, b.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the protagonist is completely forgotten about for like 20 minutes.  Like yo, huh?!  It’s an Italian movie yet it’s in English and the actors are CLEARLY speaking English but it still seems like the English audio was POORLY dubbed over cuz the audio-visual synchrony fucking sucked.  WOW.  At least there was some good gore.

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Day 31: Demons 2 (1986)

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Oh my fucking God.  Again with the terrible dubbed audio.  Both these movies are just about demons acting like zombies.  Mr. Argento…put the quill down and stick to directing, my G.

But seriously though, at least this one was kind of better.  Less gore, but better all around.  It’s like they used the first movie as a template and just changed the scenery and the practical effects and….OH look, same black guy.  As a different character.  Are they trying to say that all black people look alike and nobody would notice? Because that’s what it seems like.  WHY?  BRUH. WHY? Smh.

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You can tell these motherfuckers were watching Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and were like, “BROOO.  We should make a horror movie with mad rock music playing in the background for no reason”.  At least they upped the ante for this one.  Dogs and kids are with the shits in this one.  So here’s basically what I watched.  Grown ass women playing 16 year olds, midgets playing 6 year olds and the same black guy playing another black guy.  What the fuck is going on in Italy?

Alright, that’s it!  31 movi….

PSYCH!

BONUS MOVIE OF THE MONTH!!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

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Oh my God, it’s Bae from The Vatican Tapes.  I love her.  Oh, but wait.  She just single-handedly ruined the franchise.  How, you ask?  Well, she’s somewhat of a recognizable face in horror now.  These movies are supposed to be taken over by unknown actors to suspend disbelief.  But then again, what is this?  The 5th Paranormal Activity? Nobody even remotely suspects that this is actual found footage and nobody has since the 1st movie.  It picks up where the 3rd movie ended with little Katie.  Then it…. I’m not about to explain all this shit, bruh.

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It’s too complicated to verbalize.  Just know that the creative and innovative ways of camera use in the previous ‘Paranormals’ are coming to a slow and deliberate, while still screeching halt. But the creative efforts of these writers are starting to focus on the tie-ins. Every movie now is starting to put some puzzle pieces together that help understand the timeline of these hauntings and it’s all one big overwhelming knot that’s ready to be picked apart and explained on some elaborate essay. What’s that I hear? Do it for the blog? I AIN’T GON’ DO IT.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Bravo’s 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006)

Bravo’s 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009)

IT’S HALLOWEEN! A.k.a Ash Vs. Evil Dead day for the real niggas.  And the realest of niggas already seent the first episode but I’m still gonna watch it again cuz I’m a real nigga.

Until next year, fuckheads.  *ghost rides DeLorean through Halloween parade*