#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

This has become one of my favorite months/holiday traditions.  Whether or not Halloween is considered a real holiday, I treat it like one.  It deserves just as much attention as the other holidays despite its lack of importance in history and origin or whatever the fuck.  So for the 2nd year in a row, I’m watching a horror movie every day for the month of October.  I mean, look….this is no different than putting up Christmas decorations before taking a massive Thanksgiving dinner shit, alright?  If you think it’s stupid, fine.  This is my shit.  So, I’ll go do me, & you go do you.  And by ”do you”, of course I mean go fuck yourself.

Let’s just get right into it.

 

Day 1: Suspiria (1977)

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The tagline for this movie is what drew me in.  A creepy dude with a deep voice in the theatrical trailer states; ”the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92”.   So I thought, “I gotta see this for myself.”  The 1st 5 minutes were pretty good, but that’s about it.

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I shit you not, the word ”terrifying” in the tagline should have been replaced with the word ”shitty”.  I’m sure it worked in the 70’s, it does have some creepy ass music that still holds up. But my God, the build up was dreadful.  To me.  I hated it but I won’t dismiss the ending completely because maybe furniture magically attacking people was frightening 36 years ago.  But no.  Fuck this movie.  NEXT!

 

Day 2: The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

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In watching Suspiria, I remembered a brief debate in the movie Juno about which horror movie was the best of all time between Suspiria (Juno was buggin’), and this other film, The Wizard Of Gore.  So I dug it up (it was on YouTube) & I watched it.  First of all, Juno was wrong.  Suspiria was not better than this.  Cinematically? Sure.  But this, also shitty movie, had disgusting corn syrup everywhere. Win!  Oh no wait…

Gore

FAIL.  Continuity sucked, dialogue was boring as shit, & the story itself was trash dookie.  But there was this eerie feel to it & psychological trickery that’s hard to forget, unfortunately.

Verdict: The debate on Juno was worthless & stupid.

 

Day 3: Carrie (1976)

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Great movie.  Good character build.  John Travolta’s debut.  Based on the novel by Stephen King, Directed by Brian De Palma.  And to top it off, an outstanding performance by Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie White.

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I’m not about to ruin my experience of watching this movie by watching any sequels.  I only look forward to the remake.  I mean, it’s Chloë Grace Moretz! Like, come on.  Let me put it this way… if by any chance she gets kidnapped at New York Comic Con, it was probably me.  (Not serious.  (You’re goddamn right I’d do it) Nah, yea.  Nah) Like I was saying.  She’s not just smart & cute, she respects and understands there’s different methods to acting at such a young age and she loves the original.  Which can only mean she will perform to the best of her ability.  I want to hear her say ‘mama’ after every sentence, too.

But yea, I fucks with the original.

 

Day 4: The Thing (2011)

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Dope remake.  Cool special effects.

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The creatures make me want to play Dead Space for Xbox. But of course, there’s nothing like 80’s movies.  The original is cooler, to me.  Nevertheless, this movie’s good.  I recommend it.

 

Days 5-8: The Evil Dead Franchise: The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), Army Of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (2013)

EVIL DEAD FRANCHISE

The Evil Dead? …… FIRE!

The Evil Dead, 1981

Evil Dead II? …… Pretty Good.

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Army Of Darkness ……. Not even a horror. Shit was LIGHT! It’s a comedy dark-fantasy. It would be OK if it was a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Not my favorite.

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Evil Dead remake? ……. Pretty fucking sick.  I would put it 3rd, if not, tied with the second movie.  (Jane Levy got some sexy, thick, full legs.)

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Day 9: The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

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Watched the first one last year and when the sequel was announced, I told myself, in South Park voice, “You gotta go see this movie, dude.” ……. I didn’t.  I waited til it came to me.  So I finally watched it and…..it was straight ass juice.  Butt nectar.  Rear beer.  I was disappointed.  If you go back and read my opinion on the 1st one (#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20), I obviously thought it was a good one.  So to see this sphincter milk of a movie was such a letdown.  I do, however, think that this is not the end all, be all of this series or main character.

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History shows that the biggest horror movie characters, such as Freddy,  Jason, Michael Myers, Leatherface etc., became what they are because of the fans, not the quality of movies.  Let’s face it ….. them Friday The 13th movies are garbage to the core.  With the exception of 3 or 4 slighlty above MEDIOCRE ones, that whole franchise is TERRIBLE.  The name, Jason Voorhees, is HUGE though.  The same goes for the others.  (Especially Pinhead, my God! The 1st Hellraiser is a classic.  The rest? Disposable as fuck.)

the-exorcistMy point here is … the horror movie culture doesn’t have a solid female villain character, or has had one since Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist.  The Last Exorcism Part II was based around this character, Nell Sweetzer, which wasn’t the case for the 1st one.  Why else would they keep referencing her Doc Marten boots?  It’s probably her signature style.  Every major horror movie villain has one.

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I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt because this could have been a film just to build on this character and explain why she’s “the devil”, if you will.  Maybe in the next one, she won’t waste any time and just start fucking shit up from the jump, which is what we begin to see in the end of this one.  I won’t give up on Sweetzer, but this movie was confusing.  The bad kind.  The one where it was unnecessary an not beneficial to the story at all.

 

Day 10: Pumpkinhead (1989)

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I was expecting this:

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But Pumpkinhead was this:

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Whatever.  Honestly, I chose this movie today cuz I wanted to go to sleep early & it was the shortest one on my list.  It served its purpose.  Watched it on the computer and everything was dark as Sam Jack in Django.  Didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  So, yeah.  If you’re a fan of this so called Pumpkinhead, I’m sorry but…. I didn’t have to pay attention to know that this is as special as a skid mark in a homeless dude’s tighty whiteys.

There you have it.  Days 1-10.

Comic Con all weekend.  So many thots in Chun Li & Catwoman costumes, I can’t wait.  Days 11-20 are still coming though.

Th- th- the- thih- th- THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!  *chases pig with a chainsaw*

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The Dopeness: TV Dramas

These shits right HERE?!!  Dopeness.  Keep in mind, these are dramas.  They contain a lot of emotion which naturally requires good acting.  That’s what draws me in.  Not the amount of deaths, sex scenes or adultery going on.  The acting that convinces you into thinking for a short moment that what’s going on in the screen is actually real.  I’m only mentioning shows I’m watching at the moment.  Let The Flames Begin!

Friday Night Lights

Obviously, this show is about football.  But then again, it’s NOT about football.  It’s about the lives of those who affect other people’s lives by playing football, coaching & cheer leading.  THEN it’s about football.  The acting ain’t all that except when it comes to Coach Taylor.  He’s the man.  It’s a good show.  You don’t have to like football to enjoy it.  It can be inspirational for anyone.  I’m only just finishing Season 1, so I can’t speak for the entire series.  So far, it was enough for me to want to watch all five seasons.  Also enough to make me want to be in a football team.  “CLEAR EYES!  FULL HEARTS!  CAN’T LOSE!”

The show ended in 2010, so it’s available in its entirety on Netflix.  WIN!

The Walking Dead

Zombie shows and movies never really satisfy me with anything other than zombies being dismembered and decapitated left and right.  That’s what i sat and watched the series premiere of The Walking Dead for.  And unexpectedly, I got MORE than that.  Along with great makeup, blood and guts everywhere… this show is carried by great actors.  The character development, what some might consider filler moments, is as good as the zombie killings.  The suspense, realism, and revelations in this show are fulfilling even when it doesn’t turn out how you wanted it to.  Not all questions are answered but what’s the fun in knowing everything?  Season 2 finished recently and it was CRAZY!  Can’t wait for the next.

As of now, only Season 1 is available on Netflix.

Grey’s Anatomy

Imagine someone’s life slipping away right in front of you.  And you have to find out why they’re dying, how to save them and how much time you have before it’s too late.  On top of that, your future job as a surgical resident depends on how you perform and handle the situation.  Then go through the same thing or worse the next day.  Being a doctor is NOT easy.  This show does a great job at portraying that.  It’s also good at glorifying their hectic schedules resulting in co-workers doing “the nasty” in the on-call rooms to relieve stress.  Oh yeah! This show is dope as fuck!  It’s humorous, tragic, educational and sexy at the same damn time!  Every mid-season and season finale is a butt clencher.  If this show was a rock band, they’d be named “Intensity In Ten Cities”.  Eight whole seasons, still going strong.

Seasons 1-7 available on Netflix.  MARATHON!

Breaking Bad

Just look at the picture.  Big ass containers filled with the purest crystal meth and a butt load of cash.  *Hails*  YOU’RE THE MAN, MR. WHITE!  EVERYTHING about this show is just perfection.  Before you go judging it by the picture, just don’t. Watch that shit!

Walter White’s job is to teach chemistry to a bunch of disinterested high school students.  After work, he goes to work….at a car wash.  This, along with a bunch of other bullshit, makes Mr. White realize how much his life sucks.  And then he was diagnosed with lung cancer.  The struggle came crashing down on this poor man.

I feel like I said too much already.  Just look at the picture.  Why does he look like a boss, you ask?  Well….just put Netflix on and start watching NOW.  The 1st 3 seasons are available.  It’s the father from Malcolm In the Middle for crying out loud!  Bryan Cranston is excellent!  That goes for the entire cast as well.  Season 5 begins tonight and my sphincter is tight with anticipation.  And don’t you even dare land on AMC when you’re flipping through channels later tonight.  You gotta watch from the beginning.

Breaking Bad is easily the best show on television.  No question.

There you have it.  The dopeness that I currently am subjecting myself to.  For the record, every one of these shows have given me some serious goosebumps.  The kind you get when you watch a blockbuster movie in IMAX.  … Yup.  Dopeness.

Alright guys.  Hope you take heed to the dopeness I’m trying to supply y’all with in confidence.

OUT!   *ghost rides whip into tornado*