How good was Superbowl XLVII?

How good was Superbowl XLVII

It’s been 3 days since the big game and I still can’t get the image of Beyoncé licking her thumb and provocatively sliding it down her chest out of my head.  And I’m not mad (at all) at the popular opinion that her Halftime show performance was possibly the best we’ve ever seen.  This also can be said about the actual game.  Every Superbowl is exciting in its own right and there are always fun facts thrown around to keep us caring about the two teams in the ultimate match-up.  But if you sit for a sec and recap what you witnessed on Sunday night, you might catch yourself mumbling, “Wow, that game was really amazing.”  Let’s start with the NFC & AFC Championship games of last season.

Last year, both of these teams fell short by an inch!  They both lost because they each made a mistake so miniscule, that fate can be the only explanation for what happened.  The truth is, the New York Giants and New England Patriots got lucky.  The San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens both deserved to be on the big stage last year as much as the teams that made it there.  So them being the top dogs THIS year is a true testament to that.  It’s like a fairy tale.

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You got Ravens wide receiver, Torrey Smith, who lost his 19 year old brother from a motorcycle accident earlier this year and still played what would turn out to be the best game of his career just hours later.  Then of course, their linebacker Ray Lewis, a leader who although was indicted on murder and aggravated-assault charges back in 2000, managed to recover his image and went on to defensively dominate on a consistent basis becoming one of the greatest middle linebackers of all time.  After tearing a tricep early in the season, he announced his retirement from the NFL, making this his last season.  On the other side, there’s Niners Quarterback Colin Kaepernick.  He’s a baby in the game!  Only his 2nd year in the NFL and already led his team to a Superbowl on his 1st year as starting QB.  And if that’s not enough of a fairy tale for y’all, the coaches came out of the same vagina!

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Jim and John Harbaugh, brothers.  Only a year apart.  Who isn’t intrigued by the idea of siblings putting their love for each other aside for 4 hours and competing to make their mutual lifelong dream, the one thing they worked incredibly hard for, become a reality?  Fuckin’ NOBODY!  With this fun little factor, non-Ravens fans and non-Niners fans now have a reason to care about this event.

As if this wasn’t enough to care:

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Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook choir sing “America The Beautiful” together, Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem, and BAM!  The game begins.  The 1st half was all Ravens.  They jumped, slid, rolled, danced to the end zone.

Light work!

Light work!

It was sad how bad the Niners were getting spanked.  21-6 at the half and it was time for Queen B to show the world what she does.  And boy, she does it well!  I mean, this MILF……. *sigh*.  I don’t know what to say.  All I know is when the announcer said “Beyoncé”, every female species on earth broke their neck and their eyes were glued to the screen in a split second for the 1st time all night.  She came out, ripped a few garments off and every MALE species on earth felt something flinch in their pants.  We all got chubs in unison.  You can’t get raging boners at social gatherings like that so we all just popped a quick chub.  The most consistent Superbowl chub of all time, might I add.

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Milf-oncé

 

Beyoncé, to come off  lip sync controversy and bounce back so quickly and efficiently, was amazing.   WHAM!  She hits us with a Destiny’s Child reunion!  Chubs flinched yet again when Kelly Rowland came out flaunting her new cakes.  Irreleva…. I mean, Michelle Williams came out the ground and our chubs anticipated the cameras to lose focus or switch angles.  There were  lights, smoke, fire, sparks coming out of guitars & 90’s babies’ ears perked up.  The nostalgic trip was in full effect.

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Just before it gets too DC’d out, B nips it in the bud.  She closes the show out with “Halo” and shows off her glorious vocal pipes after 8 minutes of non-stop choreography.  Inconceivable.  I can’t even rap along to my iPod while walking without needing a Gatorade.  She sang the SHIT out of the word “Halo”.  It was truly breathtaking.  You can almost see Ray Lewis catching the holy ghost with a face full of tears in the locker room while the rest of the team prepares for the second half.

Twitter was bombarded with Beyoncé tweets.

 

 

You know I couldn’t resist.

 

 

If I can recall correctly, there was one play before the lights of the stadium went out for 34 minutes.  Jacoby Jones runs 109 yards to break a new record for longest kickoff return touchdown in a Superbowl, ever.  To add insult to injury, this dude did the Ray Lewis squirrel dance in the end zone.

 

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I swear, they thought this shit was Soul Train.

 

Niners fans all across the nation sucked their teeth and took off their team gear at this point.  All hope was lost.  Next thing we knew, half of the Superdome had shut down.

 

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The lights went out.  That’s when Jigga Man himself shared a tweet.

What else did they expect to happen with stage production like this?

 

power5n-5-web

 

……………………..

// I just had to add that.

Blackout.  I immediately thought, “This is a good thing.”  The San Francisco 49ers is my 2nd favorite team.  And being that the Baltimore Ravens took out MY New England Patriots in their last game, the only thing I wanted more than to tell the Ravens they can draw upon my pubic sack succulently for no less than 30 seconds, was this much needed momentum shift.  Momentum shift granted.  49ers made a remarkable comeback taking the lead and we had ourselves a FUCKING GAME!  Kaepernick reminded us how he and his team made it this far.

 

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The bad calls on both sides, the intentional safety, the failed 2-point conversion … this game was IN. TENSE.  Just like last year, every second was crucial.  It came down to the last play.  Niners came up short, big brother upset little brother, the Baltimore Ravens prevailed.

 

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Ray Lewis with the Lombardi Trophy

 

So now, these motherfuckers eliminated my favorite team AND beat my 2nd favorite team in the Superbowl!  Or the #Harbowl or the #Sup-Harbaugh, as I like to call it.  Some refer to it as the #BeyonceBowl.  Whatever!  They crushed my happiness twice.  But in the end, I couldn’t be mad at them.  Joe Flacco was astounding throughout the entire season, finishing with no interceptions. Not 1.  They deserved it.

Great game, Great halftime ….. but what about the commercials?  Honestly, we were too busy discussing the game to even care about commercials this year.  I glanced at the TV here and there.  I saw 2 or 3 good ones.

Like this one:

 

I don't even know what this commercial was for.  I just rememeber an old man nipple on a glass.

I don’t even know what this commercial was for. I just remember an old man nipple on a glass.

 

But for those who were REALLY watching them, quick question.  Were the commercials really not up to par this year or was the event just impossible to outshine?

 

I guess you can say I’m back…? *shrug* Let me go watch that Halftime show one more time though.

I’ll holla!  *hops in tub of Jergens*

 

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Important message brought to you in part by Big Ang.

ATTENTION friends, family & acquaintances!

I would like to convey an important message at this moment… I’m not doing this to be trampled by opinions, but to let you all know that i’m serious about the decision I am about to make.

As of October 3rd, 2012 ….. I, Angel Cabrera, vow to refrain from ever taking another sip of an alcoholic beverage. EVER. This is it. I will not let anybody try to HINT towards even BEGINNING to try to convince me to take a drink. I’m eliminating it COMPLETELY. I have my personal reasons. This is not an attempt to try to appear holier than thou.

With that said, I encourage you to continue to be yourselves & to accept those who might have different views than you in being themselves.

Thanks for reading this. Carry on.

The Fuckery: 2012 VMAs

First things first……… What the fucking fuck?!

This wasn’t the worst VMAs, but it sure as hell wasn’t the best.  Sure Rihanna & A$AP Rocky started it off right, Kevin Hart was funny in the 1st hour, Pink BROUGHT it yet again, Alicia Keys was Alicia Keys & Taylor Swift was adorable as always.  But were we really watching the VMAs last night?

Let me just point out the obvious.

  • It was a Thursday night.  WHY?!
  • The show began 1 hour earlier than it usually does because MTV refused to cut into Obama’s speech.  Ok, cool.
  • It was broadcasted on 4 channels.  Which is completely fine, giving viewers more access to watch it.  But at the same time, taking the exclusivity out of it.

None of this really bothered me enough to hate the show.  The show itself was what bothered me. Let’s just say I thought I was watching the Kid’s Choice Awards on Nickelodeon.  All they were missing were John Cena & buckets of slime. Seriously.  One Direction won 3 VMAs……….. THREE!  That’s 3 too many.

I don’t wanna sound like a hater. But FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  If you go up against Beyoncé, Rihanna, Fun., & Gotye all night and you come out winning every time, you better win Grammys too.  In other words, you have to be THAT good.  That’s all I’m saying.  Unless MTV wanted to give them a chance to shine because it benefits their ratings.  I mean, it IS all politics at the end of the day.

For the record, when Adele stands still & sings, she gets a standing ovation.  So don’t give me shit about Frank Ocean’s performance.  (Love Adele btw.)  All I wanna know is……couldn’t they sacrifice just 1 awards for Frank Ocean?  He was nominated for “Swim Good”.  That song is old.  Which means they gave him the opportunity to win an award that’s long overdue, right? …… Apparently, no.  They just gave it to One Direction.  Then what was the point of even nominating him for such an old song in the first place?  *smacks forehead*

Not even MTV can.  But i’m off that now.

I made an interesting observation. Real quick:  Wtf was with all the stage diving?  Since when do all these people crowd surf?

2 Chainz was 2 Chainz, & Lil’ Wayne was….well, on drugs.  DON’T TELL ME SHIT! HE WAS ON ONE!

Moving right along…..matter fact, let’s keep the fuckery spotlight on Young Money.

Drake looked like he was following in Nicki Minaj’s footsteps. Did y’all see all that make-up?  That’s it, he’s a barb.

Nicki’s outfit never matters. All we tend to focus on is her horse ass anyway. So yea.

Lil’. Wayne.  This guy worries me.  I can already see him eating a bum’s face in the future.  He was totally disregarding Kevin Hart’s opening stand-up wearing his Beats headphones playing his own music.  In hindsight, I totally understand why he did that.  He’s a busy dude & he was most likely trying to memorize the lyrics to the new song he performed later that night.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still retarded.  Just LOOK:

When this happened, I said to myself ” Ok. So i’m NOT watching the Kid’s Choice Awards after all…….This is CLEARLY the Soul Train Awards. ” .. & it looks like Drizzy was up next.  I’m 1000% sure he would’ve shimmy’d right down that aisle if he wasn’t too busy thinking about how much bath salts he witnessed Weezy ingest backstage.

So were we watching the VMAs?  I don’t even know.

Pure fuckery all night long.  But we don’t learn. We’re gonna tune in next September to embrace the fuckery.

Anyway, I’m gone  *ties leg to cheetah’s torso*

Olympic Gold

Oh man.  The Olympics.  This shit is golden.  There’s so much going on.  So much competition.  So much pride and honor…….So much to laugh at.

It’s hard to keep up, there’s so much going on.  Even for the country you’re rooting for.

Randumb:  “Rooting” means “fucking” in Australia

The only way to stay interested is to watch with a different mentality.  Other than the Brazilian Women’s Volleyball team looking fine, there’s only one other way to enjoy the Olympics.  Laugh.  Everything in life is better when you laugh.  Well, except diarrhea.  But you get what I mean.

Athletes falling, tripping, missing landings.  At times, it could be so intense that you don’t want to laugh at the participants crying after a mistake that cost them the gold.  But you just gotta pull out that inner asshole that everybody possesses knowingly or unknowingly and just crack up.  Come on, you can do it!  You know you’re asshole on the low.  Everybody knows it’s the way to go. (See Silent Savagery)

Now, I’m not a complete asshole.  For instance, I don’t laugh when a gymnast fails a landing and they appear to have injured something.  I give it up.  Well, the replay MIGHT get me sometimes.  But when I see them getting carted off, crying in pain but still smiling and waving, I feel for them and respect their bravery.  It sucks that all of their hard training went to shit, but they tried until they couldn’t anymore which is admirable.  EVERYTHING else makes my heart stop temporarily from rolling in the aisles though.  The way boats are rowed in those races makes me chuckle.  The struggle to score in Water Polo makes me grin.  The ass whoppings USA is giving the rest of the countries in basketball makes me pump my fist and let out an evil villain laugh.  I love it.

OH! What about when Japan bought Ukraine’s medal?

LMFAO!

Ok.  Fine.  They didn’t BUY it.  They appealed the judges’ decision and succeeded.  They were in fourth place.  Ukraine had the bronze, Britain had the silver.  Homeboy from Japan’s Men’s gymnastics team whipped out a few Benjis and the rest is history.  Now, Japan takes home silver, Britain bronze and Ukraine…well Ukraine got the fuck up out of there with nothing to show for their effort

and this face:

It wasn’t a funny situation for some.  But I found myself having to look for something to dry my face before my beard got wet while my 1-pack convulsed.  It was a challenge.  I couldn’t see with all the tears waiting in line for their turn to trickle down my cheek gracefully.  *sigh*  What a moment.

Olympic Comedy Gold.

Let’s all be semi-assholes collectively and enjoy these Summer Olympic games more by laughing.  Stop mean mugging the TV all the time, looking all concentrated.  Let it out.  Unless you have diarrhea.  You might want to let that pass first.

Signing out.  *floods Mentos factory with Coke*