#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016 (Days 1-10)

Fresh off New York Comic Con babyyyy! That’s right gore whores and ravenous savages, we back! #ScaryMovieADayMonth 2016: the 4G LTE edition.  My laptop did a corkscrew moonsault off the top rope and botched the landing. RIP. But we here! IT’S LIT!……FACTS!……..DEADASS!

Let’s get it started.

Day 1: 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

I watched the trailer for this early in the year and I said, “Yup. I’m in there.”  Ended up saving it for October to carry on the tradition. Talk about commi….commitm… what’s the word again? Oh, commitment? I don’t know what that is. Nevermind. I already went to see a bunch of movies this year. I wasn’t about to live in the movie theater so I chilled.  I waited fucking months. I’m not gonna say it’s great and I’m not gonna say its horrible. I finally saw it….. and I wanna hit about 1,000 of dem folks like YAAAAH! You know what I’m talkin’ about? … Yes you do! All the kids are doing it on the internet. YAAAH! I loved it! I never been so. …you know what? I can’t even say what I want cuz i fucking hate spoilers and it cant be told. It needs to be seent. Just know…..I swung my arm like Michael Jordan after “The Shot” in Game 5 as soon as the movie was over cuz i was so pumped. YAAAH! J.J. Abrams, you did it again my nigga.

Day 2: JeruZalem (2016)

One word kept popping in my head while I watched. Laughable.
But I checked the budget for this movie right now while writing this and. ….. I’m shocked. I remember noticing how good the resolution was while I watched. It was nice and clear, very HD. Fucking beautiful. I also remember thinking how some of the effects weren’t good enough for Youtube. CGI blood is rarely any good regardless, so I kind of let that part slide. In retrospect, however, for a movie with a $160,000 budget, I’m actually impressed. They did a lot with that 160k.  Unfortunately, the majority of what they did had ridiculous qualities. There was so much potential there, they got a fair amount of things right but it pales in comparison to the amount of terrible shit. Oh my God. No.

Day 3: Hush (2016)

Just imagine if you lived alone in the woods, you’re deaf and your voice is temporary paralyzed due to some kind of infection. FUCK NO.

I recommend this movie only to people who live with other people. If you live alone, you might not want this movie memory stored in the back of your brain. It will remind you you’re alone every night. Don’t do it.

Anyway, I liked it.

So far, good or bad, every movie has at least for a scene made me wince and put my hand on my mouth in an attempt to stop my jaw from literally dropping, popping and locking like Ice JJ Fish.

Day 4: Dementia (2015)

Fam… What kind of hardware store sells Barbie dolls? Am i missing something? Anyway…this movie has the most abrupt, non-abrupt ending. That’s the only way I can think to put it. It was weird because it felt unfinished but it just worked somehow. Despite being a really low budget film, it’s actually pretty good thanks to the story and some performances. It’s a fucked up movie with layers to that shit.

Day 5: Darling (2016)

Really quick…It’s short but feels long, not entirely in a bad way. It’s weird as hell. The movie consists of 100% still shots, creepy sounds and flashes. It has a Marvel adjace mid-credit scene, the protagonist is shown naked and has a boy body. It feels like a short film, it does indeed get real in some scenes, I would only recommend this to die hard horror fans who would watch anything horror. Not something I would recommend to anyone else.

Day 6: Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Pretty sure this movie deserves more than just random miniscule remarks but here I go anyway.

Dog actors are usually fun to watch to try and guess how they were manipulated into “acting”. Here, it’s obvious. A big juicy steak was dangled across his face. Proof: The one bead of drool the editors failed to remove in post production.
What is Ving Rhames’ character? Mike Tyson? It’s the only reason to be wearing a kufi and petting a flying rat on a Brooklyn rooftop.
Anyway, this movie is revered with good reason. It’s confusing as shit but there are enough classic terrifying scenes to keep this one in “Scariest Movie Moments” lists til this day.

Day 7: Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Listen, man. I picked this cuz I wanted something easy to watch. No, not Megan Fox. I’m talking about Amanda Seyfried’s beautiful features. Top 5 eyes/lips/dimples combination of all time. Let’s take a moment…

*slow exhale* Yep… very easy on the eyes. And that she was. Except this movie is just….. *sigh* As a film, no thank you. If you put yourself in a high school freshman girl’s shoes and already admire Juno for its quirky nature, you can see what this movie tried to do. I didn’t care about the quality much as I was barely watching it on a Comic Con line, catching only the little bit of action it has to offer. I liked 7% of this movie. Take it as you will.

Day 8: The Boy (2016)

Lauren Cohan, we love you. We do. You are bae and your American accent is sweet. This movie builds really well. There was one scene that made me go, “Uh oh. That’s it. Everything is fucked”. And then it was ruined. What is this? Why is he so tall? Why is he… what is …. huh??? I don’t know. There’s plenty of really well done aspects to this movie but honestly, I can’t seem to remember it well even though it was a few hours ago. I wouldn’t mind trying again but not for a long time.

Day 9: The Purge: Election Year (2016)

Over a fucking candy bar? Fuck outta here with these stereotypes and bum ass acting. This movie is awful. 3rd times the charm. I’m DONE with this franchise.  It sucks. Keep the ‘Purge’ movies away from me and my family.

Day 10: Deathgasm (2015)

I am pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think it would be as enjoyable as it was. I thought it was consistently really funny. It’s a gore fest, it’s demonic, there’s weaponized dildos, boobs, it’s fucking Metal….literally. Death Metal everywhere. This is geared toward fans that listen to that genre of music but it’s not exclusive to them. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m watching the shit out of the sequel when it’s out. This is why you should try different shit. You never know.

1/3 of October down. Had to keep it short. It’s not the same on a phone app.

Bye, bitches! *does Lil’ Kim “Quiet Storm” dance on moving short bus*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 21-31)

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That’s right, hoochie mamas & baby daddies!  I sat and watched a movie errday for a month, for the 2nd year in a row.  #ScaryMovieADayMonth is finally over.  Thank you, ass cramp relief gods, no homo.  Only the 2nd time I do this and I already found myself digging for the shortest flicks I could find.  Big mistake.  And to think, I went for the most interesting sounding short ones.  So you’ll know its longer than 1 hour and 35 minutes if I’m saying positive things about it.

Let’s see if shit hits the fan in any of these.

 

Day 21: Cujo (1983)

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Big ass rabid dog attacks.  Guaranteed to scare the shit out of kids.  Make ’em cross the street when they see a dog.  The fear of having a dog black out on you can be instilled in people of all ages though.  Good watch, well done.

 

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Day 22: Jaws (1975)

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This shit here!  Similarly to “Cujo”, this one would make a casual swimmer/surfer/beach-head stay the fuck out of the water.  This movie is 10 times better than “Cujo” though, to me.  In 1975, the mechanics used in this movie blew minds, I’m sure of it.  That shark looks real as fuck! ….. I mean uh ….. it’s real, you guys.  Forget I said anything.  This is simply a shark caught on tape, ironically, fishing for humans.  Yup, that’s my belief and I’m sticking with that.  (Movie is fucking real, bruh.)  But yeah.

 

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This is actually a thriller but the realism and idea of this happening was horrific enough to land a spot on the “100 Scariest Movie Moments” special on the Bravo Network.  After all, I did replace the word ‘horror’ with ‘scary’ in #ScaryMovieADayMonth for that reason.  There are thousands of thrillers that capture the audience with fast-paced action but then there are films that rely on horrific themes that were put on-screen to scare people.  I haven’t seen the movie Gravity yet, but the plot is terrifying.  The idea of being unanchored in space is gut-wrenching.  (Making a mental note to watch this next October if I don’t give in and just go catch it in IMAX this weekend.)  I put myself in the character’s shoes and feel what they feel.  I be gettin’ lost in these movies, g. Word!

It happened with Jaws.  I was sucked in.  But this dope ass, Spielberg directed classic is almost 40 years old, so I’ll stop holding up the goddamn blog to get to the new stuff.

 

Day 23: Silent House (2011)

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This remake of a 2010 Uruguayan independent film of the same name stars the youngest Olsen sister, Elizabeth Olsen.  Her performance wowed me.  I didn’t think it would be as good as it was.  If memory serves me correct, there appears to be no cuts in the scenes, giving the viewers a sense of unedited raw-ness, if you will.  Whole movie, one continuous shot of a girl FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!  I enjoyed this and your girl did… I mean … will too.

 

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Day 24: Them (2006)

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French-Romanian movie with subtitles. It’s was barely ‘ok’.  OH but wait, this is based on real events?! Oh my God! That makes this really sca….no.

O-K. That’s it.

 

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Day 25: The Haunting (1963)

The Haunting

I watched this because it’s Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror film.  Curiosity bored the shit out of this cat.  I guess he loves it for the script and neat camera shots. I’m guessing because I didn’t pay enough attention to dissect it.

What are the 5 best movie elements of all time?

Dialogue …. Dialogue …. Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue.

Ugh.

 

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Day 26: Creepshow 2 (1987)

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Here I go, picking the easiest movies to watch again. Ya’know, I kind of learned to like these somewhat light-hearted stories, so I watched the rest of the series.  Bad acting everywhere, what a treat.  It’s like watching Goosebumps or Are You Afraid Of The Dark? but for adults.  “Thanks for the ride, lady!”  Some good laughs here.

 

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Day 27: Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

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An 80’s TV show, turned movie.  Cool.  Even though it’s expected, this movie has a surprising amount of stars in it.  Christian Slater, Julianne Moore, Matthew Lawrence (Boy Meets World), Steve Buscemi, even Debbie Harry from the band, Blondie.  The list goes on.  It was like playing I Spy.  Like, “Oh shit!  Look who it is!”  “Oooh!  Where is she from again?”  On top of that, this shit was hilarious.  “You broke your promise, you idiot!  I loved you!”  *rips own scalp in 2*  … My midsection was boomin’, cuhh.  It ends with a kid throwing a suburban housewife in an incinerator and saying, “Don’t you just love happy endings?”  I lost it.  Genuine tears.  What kind of shit is that?

 

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This isn’t really a sequel, just made by the same people.  So after making this next movie on the list, the creators said in an interview that Tales From The Darkside: The Movie was the actual 3rd and final installment to the Creepshow series.  I guess they agreed with my sentiment of Creepshow 3.

 

Day 28: Creepshow 3 (2006)

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This is the only movie that ties in all the stories and show what and how they affect each story.  It’s way more simple than what I just said.  This movie is ass.  A few gruesome deaths and way more blood is shed though, I’m guessing to quench modern horror movie-goers’ thirst for disgusting guts splattering.

 

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Day 29: V/H/S (2012)

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Awwww sheeit!  This is my new favorite series.  A bunch of sick footage gathered and edited into 1 long montage.  When I tell you shit hits the fan in this, it’s because the proverbial fecal matter does indeed hit the propellers.  The deaths look a little TOO real and I found myself cringing, even after being desensitized by the 28 movies I already watched this month.  The point of the movie might not be all that but once you see what happens, who cares?  I strongly recommend this shit, unless you have a weak stomach.

 

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Day 30: V/H/S/2 (2013)

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Once again, the excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device!  It started off really stupid but picked up halfway through.  Even the fake, impossible shit makes you go, “Whoa.  Did that just…..CAN that happen?” ….. ILL.

 

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Day 31: Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

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Looked at this picture, then read how interesting the film-making process was and I was sold.  The maker of this movie, Randy Moore, actually shot a majority of this film in Disney World and Disneyland.  Get this: …….WITHOUT PERMISSION!  They had the scripts on their iPhones and made a fucking movie on the low without Walt Disney Company’s approval.  I had to watch it.

 

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Shitty.  Didn’t like it.  But then again, I don’t really fuck with psychological horrors like that.  They’re effective on me but I just think they should at least try to get a physical reaction out of the audience as well as mentally to hit a home run.  This genre is full of pop up fly balls that ultimately get nowhere.  However, this is Randy Moore’s debut and I gotta say…that was a helluva risk he took, making this movie.  It gives me the impression that he’s a visionary who soon will make something awe-inspiring.  And for that, I’ll keep an eye out for his future work.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

The Fear of God: 25 Years of ‘The Exorcist’ (1998)

Dope documentary. All the tricks they used for special effects, cool facts and creepy coincidences between events in the movie and in real life.

 

The Curse of ‘The Omen’ (2005)

This documentary scared me more than any of the movies. The things that happened to the people involved with The Omen are peculiarly bone-chilling.

 

BAM! 31 in a month again.  *wipes sweat*

Already got a few in mind for next year.  But, fuck!  I just hope it takes forever to get there.  I’ll probably get excited again during the summer, when that heat makes me beg for autumn weather again.

I need a fucking shower.  I’m outtie!  *cannon ball dives into giant washing machines*