NYC Vs. Soda (#Sadderday For The Thirsty)

NYC banning super-sized sugary drinks is not that big a deal.  Just think about it.  When was the last time you said, “Shit. I’m thirsty as fuck. Let me grab an X-Treme Gulp from 7-Eleven” ?

If you have, I think you have bigger things to worry about.  Like, oh i don’t know, ….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO THIRSTY?!  Not even on Instagram has the urge to quench parch reached such severity. And with all the ass & titties floating around that app, Instagram is probably the biggest gathering of cotton-mouthed individuals known to man.

To those of you who go to the movies or restaurants and look forward to nearly drowning yourselves with fizzy liquified candy, you’re probably wearing all black right now.  The funeral for your favorite cup size is near.  But like the people who try to jump on the caskets in funerals, look up to the sky & scream “WHYYYY?!!!!!”, what y’all have to keep in mind is this:  It’s not the end of the world.

You have to remember the good times you had with your deceased cup size and be thankful it ever even existed.  For fuck’s sake, kids in Africa still have to walk miles to the nearest river to drink sugarless ass water….with their HANDS!  Why you crying? (In my best George Lopez impression.)
We still have soda.  We can still get up and get our very unnecessary refills.  Besides, I’m sure there’s a way around this shit.  We ALWAYS find loopholes.  We can’t stand being told what we can or can’t do, so we go out of our way to find little shortcuts and shit.

Guess what’s gonna start happening?  Ratchet ass people are gonna start smuggling 2 liter Pepsi’s into “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D” only to spill it when Trey Songz gets his big ass nose hacked off.  Hey, New York Health Board, look what you just did.  Now, ratchet hoes making a scene in the theaters because they don’t wanna be touched by security will become the norm.  Are you happy?

We’re just gonna have to deal with the fact that people WILL start walking around with soda-filled gasoline jugs everywhere they go like Big Sam from The Eastside Boyz.  *facepalm*


Oh wait a minute! I forgot….who drinks soda anymore?  If you ask me, it looks like everybody drinks Ciroc & Henny for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.  Some of y’all are willing to swap your blood for Patrón to flow in your veins for the rest of your lives.  I swear, it’s like nobody drinks water or juice anymore either.  It’s liquor, liquor, liquor all day, every day.  So I guess nobody will be affected by this law after all.  And this blog is useless.  *sigh*  Oh well, fuck it.

I’m outtie. Quench your thirst, folks.  (Go ahead. Double tap shorty’s picture)

*dives in pool of Mango nectar. No trunks*


The Fuckery: 2012 VMAs

First things first……… What the fucking fuck?!

This wasn’t the worst VMAs, but it sure as hell wasn’t the best.  Sure Rihanna & A$AP Rocky started it off right, Kevin Hart was funny in the 1st hour, Pink BROUGHT it yet again, Alicia Keys was Alicia Keys & Taylor Swift was adorable as always.  But were we really watching the VMAs last night?

Let me just point out the obvious.

  • It was a Thursday night.  WHY?!
  • The show began 1 hour earlier than it usually does because MTV refused to cut into Obama’s speech.  Ok, cool.
  • It was broadcasted on 4 channels.  Which is completely fine, giving viewers more access to watch it.  But at the same time, taking the exclusivity out of it.

None of this really bothered me enough to hate the show.  The show itself was what bothered me. Let’s just say I thought I was watching the Kid’s Choice Awards on Nickelodeon.  All they were missing were John Cena & buckets of slime. Seriously.  One Direction won 3 VMAs……….. THREE!  That’s 3 too many.

I don’t wanna sound like a hater. But FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  If you go up against Beyoncé, Rihanna, Fun., & Gotye all night and you come out winning every time, you better win Grammys too.  In other words, you have to be THAT good.  That’s all I’m saying.  Unless MTV wanted to give them a chance to shine because it benefits their ratings.  I mean, it IS all politics at the end of the day.

For the record, when Adele stands still & sings, she gets a standing ovation.  So don’t give me shit about Frank Ocean’s performance.  (Love Adele btw.)  All I wanna know is……couldn’t they sacrifice just 1 awards for Frank Ocean?  He was nominated for “Swim Good”.  That song is old.  Which means they gave him the opportunity to win an award that’s long overdue, right? …… Apparently, no.  They just gave it to One Direction.  Then what was the point of even nominating him for such an old song in the first place?  *smacks forehead*

Not even MTV can.  But i’m off that now.

I made an interesting observation. Real quick:  Wtf was with all the stage diving?  Since when do all these people crowd surf?

2 Chainz was 2 Chainz, & Lil’ Wayne was….well, on drugs.  DON’T TELL ME SHIT! HE WAS ON ONE!

Moving right along…..matter fact, let’s keep the fuckery spotlight on Young Money.

Drake looked like he was following in Nicki Minaj’s footsteps. Did y’all see all that make-up?  That’s it, he’s a barb.

Nicki’s outfit never matters. All we tend to focus on is her horse ass anyway. So yea.

Lil’. Wayne.  This guy worries me.  I can already see him eating a bum’s face in the future.  He was totally disregarding Kevin Hart’s opening stand-up wearing his Beats headphones playing his own music.  In hindsight, I totally understand why he did that.  He’s a busy dude & he was most likely trying to memorize the lyrics to the new song he performed later that night.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still retarded.  Just LOOK:

When this happened, I said to myself ” Ok. So i’m NOT watching the Kid’s Choice Awards after all…….This is CLEARLY the Soul Train Awards. ” .. & it looks like Drizzy was up next.  I’m 1000% sure he would’ve shimmy’d right down that aisle if he wasn’t too busy thinking about how much bath salts he witnessed Weezy ingest backstage.

So were we watching the VMAs?  I don’t even know.

Pure fuckery all night long.  But we don’t learn. We’re gonna tune in next September to embrace the fuckery.

Anyway, I’m gone  *ties leg to cheetah’s torso*

The Fuckery: Love & Shit Pop: Atlanta

First off, let me get this off my chest…… LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This show is such a disservice to men & women. Especially for men.  But before I get into that, I want to point out this show is PACKED with doppelgangers.  The whole cast is just a bunch of look alikes .  K Michelle is a fake Keyshia Cole, that’s a given.  Mimi has a little Trina thing goin on.  Karlie reminds me of Shanell from Young Money a little too much.  There were rumors in the past about Joseline possibly being a man, so that’s that.  Rasheeda…….i don’t know who she looks like, but I don’t care.  Nobody does.  Her storyline sucks.  Her man looks like Lamar Odom though.  Benzino looks like a fucking british bulldog.   Lil Scrappy looks like he just finished eating ass every single time his face pops up, I’m sorry but he does.  Maybe that’s his secret to keeping his teeth that white.  If you ask me, his baby momma Erica looks like a man too.  And as for the rest of the cast….

Stevie J looks like everybody though.

Let’s talk about this fool for a second.  Stevie J is the reason why the show is so popular.  He’s a fucking clown.  Just look at his face.  That’s only 1 of the many retarded faces he makes randomly.  This man is the epitome of an “ain’t shit nigga”.  This dude is the disservice to us men I was talking about.  In women’s minds, he’s confirming that the majority of us are “ain’t shit niggas”.  Never mind what he does and has done for the music industry.  Strictly based on what’s happens on VH1 on Mondays at 8PM, this man is dumb as fuck.  But funny as fuck to watch.

Time out.  Look what I just found though…

See? Told you. Buncha look alikes.

Like I was saying… This motherfucker Stevie J is bugged.  Always making funny faces and saying outlandish shit.

LMAO!  Something is really wrong with him.  That ain’t even the half.  Those of you who watch know.  I was late to this show and watched the 1st 7 episodes last week.  Yea, I was sucked into this ratchet-fest.  Now I’m recruiting more of y’all.  If you haven’t watched, I recommend Stevie J’s storyline ONLY!  Fuck everything else.  Just watch how this fool acts.  Skip through the whole show.  Just watch HIS parts.  He’s still a “ain’t shit nigga”, but funny to watch.  The girls on this show just showcase women’s gossiping and chitchatting habits.  Of course, not every woman is like that.  Just how not every man is like Stevie J.  But America doesn’t think like that.  What’s seen on the show makes us look bad.  In some cases, women are the ones cheating and men are the one’s talking behind people’s backs.  But with shit like THIS on TV, people think only men are pigs and women talk.  But whatever.  Fuck all that.  Just watch this fool be dumb as fuck and the fights, I guess. If that’s your thing.

Why Love & Hip Hop though?  Joseline makes reggaeton, Karlie speaks in tongues and K Michelle is a singer.  Shit makes no sense.  Rasheeda is the only one that raps.  Then there’s Benzino & Master Splinter over there, but that’s about it.  There’s more drama and shit poppin’ off than Hip Hop.  I ain’t mad though.  That shit would be boring as fuck anyway.  I prefer watching the fuckery.

Adios amigos!  *sails away in boat making Stevie J face*

R. Kelly Is Retarded

Plain & simple.  Sisqo…..I mean, R. Kelly is retarded.  I haven’t really followed any of his music for the past couple years.  Apparently, he’s still going.  That doesn’t stop me from pointing out how retarded this motherfucker is lyrically and creatively.  I know a lot of y’all gave up on the man after he attempted to stretch what was once a fun storytelling series of songs.  The “Trapped In The Closet” series went to shit once people realized how retarded it really was.  I love laughing so I’ll probably revisit it soon.  But check this out……THE NIGGA AIN’T DONE! *facepalm*

I just read a headline on  The combination of words that were used on this headline burned my eyes.  Take a look for yourselves —-> Fuckery

I cannot believe this jigga boo.  30 more chapters for “Trapped In The Closet”….
Let that shit marinate.

That’s approximately…… a FUCKING MOVIE!  A movie showcasing the most ratchet series of events known to man in a short yet long ass sitting.  This solidified his spot in the “Dee Dee Dee Hall Of Fame”.  He’s the type to be honored in the “Shawt Bus Awards” every year.

He makes retarded decisions, retarded fashion statements and most importantly retarded music.  You’re probably not on the same page as me because you don’t see it from where I’m sitting.  I offer you my seat for a clearer view.

DISCLAIMER: I love R. Kelly’s music.  He got some dope shit.  I wouldn’t be able to see how he’s retarded if I wasn’t a fan.

But his songs contain asinine elements in small doses.  All you gotta do is randomly throw on an R. Kelly song and focus on the lyrics.  Something ridiculous is bound to smack you in the face.

Exhibit A: “A Woman’s Threat”

Song is cool.  Until about the 4-minute mark when the shit took a drastic turn but somehow managed to maintain a connection with the theme.  It was definitely retarded though.  Yo Robert, Why the fuck are you explaining the story of Goldilocks & The Three Bears at the end, fam?  Did you take a “frisco speedball” break in the middle of the goddamn session and came back with that?  Do you feel you made a woman’s threat fairly clear to the masses by comparing it to Goldilocks’ inconsiderate ass?  My God…

Exhibit B: “When A Woman’s Fed Up”

Kelly beats himself up the entire time about how his woman leaving was his fault.  It’s pitiful, but that’s not the retarded part.  It comes in at the end when he starts singing about her background to his reflection in the mirror.  He’s so tight, he goes “She was raised in Illinois, right outside of Chicago.  Some of best cooking you ever had.  Yes it was.”  There’s like 10 seconds left in the song & he just couldn’t chill.  Dwelling on it just makes the listener laugh at how bad he took that L.  Just look at the struggle face.

Exhibit C: “Real Talk”

Being a ghetto Chicago-bred R&B singer is probably difficult.  Staying smooth, calm & collected can be a challenge.

But to make a song flippin’ out on your shorty over some bullshit is a whole different ball game.  Kellz is really REALLY retarded for this one.

Just listen to it:

In his defense, she DID threaten to burn his clothes.  Still doesn’t take away how hilariously unstable that was.

NOW do you feel me on this?  Alright, cool.  Move your ass out my seat. I’m gonna need it for when I watch “Trapped In The Closet” in its entirety for the 1st time later.

Y’all be cool.  *runs through hell with gasoline drawls on*