5 Things People Hated About Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice That Are Just Fine

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With its opening weekend now behind us, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice turned out to be a success at the box office.  But was it a success to die hard comic book fans?  The internetz would say, “FUCK NO.”  So what went wrong?  I’ve heard more complaints about this movie than I can count on the fingers of both my hands.  Granted, it’s not a perfect film but some of the things people took issue with were explained in the film but because of the fast pace, lost in translation.  Then there are some that are just flat-out picky.  So what I’m gonna do is take the most echoed of those complaints and rebut them with something the unwashed masses fails to use these days: logic.

Here are 5 things people hated about Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice that are just fine.

 

***Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD***

 

1. Superman’s lack of hope

Many felt that Superman didn’t provide enough hope for the audience or even Metropolis.

*sigh* Why am I doing this to myself. Are you kidding me?

Every last scene with Clark/Superman is about hope.

The beginning of the movie has a montage of him saving people and embodying hope.  Metropolis is hopeful that everything will be fine and they worship him.  Even when that shifts and Supes doubts himself, there was always someone reminding him that there’s hope.  For him, the city AND humanity.  Lois, Martha Kent and even Jonathan Kent in his conscience was reminding him for crying out loud.  THE MAIN FIGHT TOOK PLACE BECAUSE SUPERMAN HOPED THAT BRUCE… fuck it.

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2. Jesse Eisenberg is not a good Lex Luthor

I agree with this…….if he were playing Lex Luthor.  The fact is, he’s not.  He actually plays Alexander “Lex” Luthor Jr., Luthor’s son.  We learn and are reminded of this multiple times throughout the movie.  If Lex Luthor was my father, I would probably look all coked up and abuse my power too.

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3. The Email

Bruce Wayne sends Diana Prince an email with video files attached and that’s when we first see the Justice League members.  I see why people thought that was a lazy way of introducing them.  Trust me, I do.  HOWEVER!  The files were dated June 2015.  TWENTY FIFTEEN.  Batman is too old to get in his Aston Martin DB 2/4 Mark III and look for fine ass Diana just to show her a picture and a few videos.  Just shoot it to her DMs. Batman is smooth, chill.  He don’t got time for all that.  Besides, he already went through the trouble of loading all of it on his computer with a dial-up connection.

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4. The Fight

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Lots of complaints about this one.  “It’s too short”, “It was convenient”, “The end of the fight was stupid”.

All valid opinions.  I personally thought nothing extra would’ve added to the fight.  Plus, they both were hurt enough.  How they were both ready to fight at the exact same time is easy to forget because there’s so much going on but trust and believe it is explained.  Clearly, Luthor masterminded the whole thing.  When Batman stole the Kryptonite, Lex knew his plan had worked to get Superman outta here.  Bat-signal goes up, Lex sees it and baits Supes using Lois and he gives him the ultimatum.  Convenient?  Superman is the definition of convenient.  He’s always there when it counts anyway so that shouldn’t be a deal breaker in a movie with his name in the title.  When Superman says, “Nothing stays good in this world”, you can tell he didn’t want to do it but he knew he possibly didn’t have a choice.  He still tries to not go ahead with the fight but when he saw Batman wouldn’t budge, he’s angered by the fact that his time was running out.  As for the end of the fight, it was Batman’s chance to do what he couldn’t as a child.  Simple.

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5. Superman’s fate

This one I completely understand why people were dissatisfied with.  We know he’s gonna be in the Justice League movies.  So why kill him?  The best complaint I heard was that moving forward, deaths wouldn’t be as big a deal anymore because the last shot negates the importance of this event that took place too soon anyway.  Oh, internet.  Which one is it?  He should’ve really died to make for a ballsy ending?  Or he shouldn’t have died at all to make it more impactful later?  To go with the latter, you’d have to sacrifice the ballsy ending for THIS movie and save it for the later movies.  But then how would this one end?

We could blame this ending on Doomsday’s appearance being used prematurely but how can Superman die at the hands of Doomsday with the Justice League backing him?  That would make Superman look even weaker than he already did 70% of the time in this movie.

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I think we need to give the creators of this movie a little more credit than they’re receiving.  It’s easy to complain about all of this.  It’s not easy to make a movie like this.  It’s not easy to get people who hate Superman to root for him.  Although a lot of homage was paid to the comics with the way a lot of the scenes were shot, this is still a new rendition of these characters.  Superman killed in Man of Steel.  Batman slaughtered thugs in this one.  Zack Snyder has his own vision of these beloved characters and still found the decency to include scenes and dialogue damn near identical to the comic book moments.

Take a deeper look at the aesthetic of this film and you’ll see what I mean.

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The Fuckery: Kids Edition

The Fuckery: Kids Edition

FACT: Little kids are fucking annoying!

“Aww look how cute the baby is.” … “*Gasp* LOOK! He took 3 steps and fell on his butt.  How adorable! ” … “Oh my God, I want one. ”

Yea.  Go right ahead and have a kid RIGHT now.  Go fuck like jack rabbits, kick your roommate out, decorate the room with kid shit, drench your dreams in gasoline and just light the bitch on fire.  It’s over.  Of course, it’s beautiful.  It’s so magical how you have to wake up at 3am to rock that little fucker back to sleep.  Wiping spray shit has never been this fun.  It’s great!  What’s even better is how all of a sudden you’re in charge of another human being who cries uncontrollably over God knows what.

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And those are the best years.  No matter how annoyed you are, the baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and you love them like you’ve never loved anything before.

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Before you know it, their front teeth fall out and they smile every time they do something that nobody finds funny but them.  You start forcing yourself to be unfunny so you won’t have to see that ghoulish grin until you just become the boring parent.  They’ll seek fun by throwing YOUR shit out the window and voilà! You’re miserable.  A little positivity and proud moments here and there but that’s about it.

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Few years later, they’re older and a little less dependent and right before you start accepting it and enjoying their mild spurt of  “maturity”, something goes wrong.  Never fails.  Whether it’s a pregnancy scare, a dumb ass tattoo, a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend, drugs … something happens.

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Fast forward a few years later, your expectations are just 6 feet underground at this point.  So, any type of progression they make, you’re satisfied with.

“Wow, things are looking up.  I don’t have to worry and keep tabs anymore because my kid is all grown up.”

Hey, you know when you buy McDonald’s, and you’re doing your happy dance while you eat because you love your nuggets and Big Macs and what not?  Soon as you finish, “Good golly, what a piece of shit.  I’m still hungry.  I should’ve bought a chicken & rice platter from the Halal truck instead.”  Yea.

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The night life you once lived resumes.  Your attempt to hit the club and scoop a young whipper snapper just fails because holy shit…. YOU’RE FUCKING OLD, DUDE!

20+ years have gone by and there’s nothing you can do about it.  No make-up or baseball cap in the world can fully disguise them wrinkles on your face and muffin top is inevitable.  Any sudden movement you make looks like a truffle shuffle.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, having children is the ultimate “youth disintegrator”.  Teen moms and dads are automatically perceived as bad parents if they’re spotted out and about without their kids, trying to have fun and hold on to the majesty of the wonder years.  Anything after that is classified as follows.

Women: MILF

Men: Filth

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I’m done.  *pokes holes in asshole’s condoms*

My 1st Voting Experience

Quick & easy.  Just like it’s supposed to be.  Just how them GBE boys will light this whole shit up if Obama loses.  Not that they even care.  But yea.  Speed dial.

Anyway, it was cold as shit this morning and the line to vote was dick & butt.  Can of sardines.  Luckily,  it wasn’t packed enough for the line to be sticking out the building when I got there.  So here’s what happened.

  • I waited in a line that made me feel I was coming out of there with government cheese & Corn Flakes.
  • The man in charge of my district was damn near Michael J. Fox, the way he was shaking.  I felt bad for his nervous system.
  • I immediately lost all sympathy for the old geezer when he misspelled my name on the card.  When have you ever heard of a nigga named “Angle”?  Tha FUCK!
  • Walked my ass to the private booth & filled in a bunch of bubbles for unfamiliar names.  Except for maybe like 3.  Which is still horrible.  (I never claimed to be into politics anyway.)
  • Scanned my sheet & handed the dude next to the machine my card & folder like if they were keys to a Bentley & he was the valet.
  • Walked out and noticed the line sticking out the building, snapped a pic, chuckled, & walked away to Jay-Z’s “PSA” with the utmost, morning “I just voted for my 1st time” swag.

As I walked away, I wondered “How can you be so sure about who you want to represent this nation if you can’t even read signs & stand in the proper lines?  Wow, these people are complete nincompoops”.  But what do I know?  I’m just a renegade who’s eyes glisten with hope at the thought of Obamacare like an anime cartoon.  Wait, can I still be a renegade even though I just voted?  Nah, right?  Blah.  Whatever.  Maybe, just maybe …. I can live a life a little less cautious and mosh at concerts without having to pretend my body is an item at an antique store.  “You break, you paaaay!” (Old Korean lady voice) Or should I say “blake” ….. hee hee hee.

I had no intentions of voting until last minute.  I just decided, why not?  I mean, I did watch all the debates.  Even though they were all pretty much the same shit.  A bunch of lying, polite ass rebuttals and a few jabs.  And Mitt Romney’s listening face.

Hilarious.

GO VOTE!  (Unless you don’t want to.  Fuck it.)
Peace, my nigs.  *rides donkey in African safari, tossing molotovs at elephants* (only figuratively)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20

 

Ok.  Let’s just get this rollin’ like I was while watching most of these shits.

 

Day 11: Hostel: Part II (2007)

 

Great movie.  Can’t remember the 1st movie but I sure as hell don’t remember enjoying it as much as this one.  I’m almost 100% sure this one was more intense.  Fucking bloodbath…LITERALLY.  Bitch showered in someone else’s heart juice.  What a mutt.  (Not a spoiler.)

Day 12: Hostel: Part III (2011)

 

 

You know what this is?  It’s pretty much Saw: Las Vegas except there’s no mind games.  It’s just people being captured and killed in different ways.  Not saying there’s no twist, but the movie doesn’t revolve around clues and trickery or …whatever.  I don’t know.  All I know is: Sick fuckheads place wagers on death choices and scenarios.  Halfway through the movie, I learned something that depreciated my perception of the movie and my hope for it to end well.  This shit went straight to DVD.  And to top the feces cake off with a little hint of ass blood….It’s not even directed by Eli Roth.  I was discouraged for the rest of the movie.  It turned out to be ok.  But it lacked compared to the last.  I just can’t quite put my finger on what was missing.  If the rumor of part 4 being in pre-production is true, Eli Roth is gonna need to reclaim his franchise before it becomes wack.  Ew, big greasy roaches.

 

Day 13: The Last Exorcism (2010)

 

To me, this movie was fucking entertaining…but not in a horrifying way.  It was just brilliant.  It reminded me of The Office.  The camera focus, the humor, the awkward side eyes.  It was just a great movie about a Reverend who doesn’t even believe in what he preaches and exercises.  It’s just a job to him.  He has one more “exorcism” to perform and he’s done with all of it.  Simple.  I recommend this one.  Even for people who don’t like horror films.  This one was my favorite of the bunch.  That’s a shocker to me being that I think no exorcism movie can touch the 1973 original.  I still strongly believe that…but this movie is just different.  It stood out to me.

 

Day 14: Scream 4 (2011)

 

 

I loved this because I hadn’t revisited any Scream movie for more than a decade, yet I knew what was going on.  The film did a great job at reminding the audience of what happened in the 1st 3 without recapping.  The intro was fresh, the ending was expected but still unpredictable.  It was obvious something crazy was gonna happen, I just couldn’t call it at all and then it just happened.  This movie was really good.  All the nostalgia this came with was good enough.  This installment of the series was still as fresh as the rest. ” New decade, new rules”.

 

Day 15: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

 

 

This one’s cool too. Although, it is a remake.  So it’s pretty much the same movie, for the most part, but with the advantage of technology.  The shit that pissed me off about this the most is that it’s not memorable.  I didn’t know it until I was looking through my ticket stub collection a few days later to learn that I actually went to see this one at the movies.  So why the fuck didn’t I remember AT ALL?  Not even after the movie was over.  I thought I just saw a movie for the 1st time.  I’m still perplexed.  Did I fall asleep at the movies?  Well, no.  Because I’m sure I haven’t done that since I was a kid.  Did I go with someone I wasn’t supposed to, so I blocked it out?  I have no clue.  The 1 part that was sort of familiar was in the fucking trailer so it threw me off.  I’m sure of one thing though….nobody gives a raw “Blue Waffle” fuck so i’ll just move it right along.  (The picture below appears to be the result of a woman being pissed about having blue waffles and stabbing it repeatedly.)

 

Day 16: Slither (2006)

 

This shit here is retarded.  Fuck this movie.  It’s kind of funny, but not funny enough.  It’s just nasty and stupid.  NEXT!

 

Day 17: Seed Of Chucky (2004)

 

 

I heard of comedy horrors.  But this is pure comedy.  Laugh-out-loud comedy.  I was dying the whole time.  It was intentional too.  Don Mancini must’ve figured out that Chucky’s sense of humor really resonates with the fans. Made room for more jokes to keep our attention.  We all know how horror movies can be such a drag at times.  Almost like this blog is sort of a drag.  I’ll just speed this up a bit.

 

Day 18: Red State (2011)

 

 

Sick religious zealots believe gays deserve to die.  So they capture them and you know the rest.  More action than horror.  Still very horrifying.  Good movie.  Different.

 

Day 19: Teeth (2007)

 

 

Bitch got pussy teeth.  Boys lose their manhood. … Get it?

 

 

Day 20: Devil (2010)

 

 

Notice how the pictures says “From The Mind Of M. Night Shyamalan”.  All this means is that FINALLY, someone went up to him and said, “Just give me your ideas and I’LL make it, you bitch ass nigga.”  And just like that, the only M. Night Shyamalan that’s actually good is born.

 

 

Well, there you have it.  Days 11-20.  Almost at the finish line.

 

Fuck this.  *horn grab piggy back rides blindfolded Satan*