The Fuckery: 2012 VMAs

First things first……… What the fucking fuck?!

This wasn’t the worst VMAs, but it sure as hell wasn’t the best.  Sure Rihanna & A$AP Rocky started it off right, Kevin Hart was funny in the 1st hour, Pink BROUGHT it yet again, Alicia Keys was Alicia Keys & Taylor Swift was adorable as always.  But were we really watching the VMAs last night?

Let me just point out the obvious.

  • It was a Thursday night.  WHY?!
  • The show began 1 hour earlier than it usually does because MTV refused to cut into Obama’s speech.  Ok, cool.
  • It was broadcasted on 4 channels.  Which is completely fine, giving viewers more access to watch it.  But at the same time, taking the exclusivity out of it.

None of this really bothered me enough to hate the show.  The show itself was what bothered me. Let’s just say I thought I was watching the Kid’s Choice Awards on Nickelodeon.  All they were missing were John Cena & buckets of slime. Seriously.  One Direction won 3 VMAs……….. THREE!  That’s 3 too many.

I don’t wanna sound like a hater. But FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  If you go up against Beyoncé, Rihanna, Fun., & Gotye all night and you come out winning every time, you better win Grammys too.  In other words, you have to be THAT good.  That’s all I’m saying.  Unless MTV wanted to give them a chance to shine because it benefits their ratings.  I mean, it IS all politics at the end of the day.

For the record, when Adele stands still & sings, she gets a standing ovation.  So don’t give me shit about Frank Ocean’s performance.  (Love Adele btw.)  All I wanna know is……couldn’t they sacrifice just 1 awards for Frank Ocean?  He was nominated for “Swim Good”.  That song is old.  Which means they gave him the opportunity to win an award that’s long overdue, right? …… Apparently, no.  They just gave it to One Direction.  Then what was the point of even nominating him for such an old song in the first place?  *smacks forehead*

Not even MTV can.  But i’m off that now.

I made an interesting observation. Real quick:  Wtf was with all the stage diving?  Since when do all these people crowd surf?

2 Chainz was 2 Chainz, & Lil’ Wayne was….well, on drugs.  DON’T TELL ME SHIT! HE WAS ON ONE!

Moving right along…..matter fact, let’s keep the fuckery spotlight on Young Money.

Drake looked like he was following in Nicki Minaj’s footsteps. Did y’all see all that make-up?  That’s it, he’s a barb.

Nicki’s outfit never matters. All we tend to focus on is her horse ass anyway. So yea.

Lil’. Wayne.  This guy worries me.  I can already see him eating a bum’s face in the future.  He was totally disregarding Kevin Hart’s opening stand-up wearing his Beats headphones playing his own music.  In hindsight, I totally understand why he did that.  He’s a busy dude & he was most likely trying to memorize the lyrics to the new song he performed later that night.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still retarded.  Just LOOK:

When this happened, I said to myself ” Ok. So i’m NOT watching the Kid’s Choice Awards after all…….This is CLEARLY the Soul Train Awards. ” .. & it looks like Drizzy was up next.  I’m 1000% sure he would’ve shimmy’d right down that aisle if he wasn’t too busy thinking about how much bath salts he witnessed Weezy ingest backstage.

So were we watching the VMAs?  I don’t even know.

Pure fuckery all night long.  But we don’t learn. We’re gonna tune in next September to embrace the fuckery.

Anyway, I’m gone  *ties leg to cheetah’s torso*


Just My Thoughts, Ladies & Gentlemen

It’s been a long time.  What’s it been, like a year?  Feels like it…

Anyway, I’ve been very down lately.  No specific reason behind it.  It’s just the way it is.  Can’t be happy & funny all the time, right?  ……WRONG!  Permanent happiness might be nonexistent but being funny doesn’t require a smile.  I could be pissed the fuck off and still make people laugh even when I myself don’t find shit funny.

I hadn’t even thought of what my next blog would be about as I was too consumed with making a blueprint on how to give that motherfucker that owes me money a deliberate, potent Boosie fade.  He thinks I’m letting it slide til he’s eating gravel & drinking a concoction of his own blood and mucus.  I don’t care how much you owe me.  It can be 25 cents.  If you try to play me for it, my only intention thereafter will be to hound and pound you.  And your chances of recovering or living at all are extremely slim given the number of times I’ve contemplated leaving this earth prematurely.  Imagine how much less I care about your well being if I can envision myself taking the Kurt Cobain route more than once.

I’m sure no one would ever expect for me to have these thoughts.  That’s probably because I mastered this poker face that I live with and strengthened my ability to conceal my true emotions during the many hours I was neglected and completely stripped from having a voice with no regard.  There’s no point in saying something if no one will listen.  All anyone ever does anyway is get offended by the advice and opinions they originally asked others to provide.  People can be so fucking stupid and it just makes me not want to interact with them.

It’s almost as if logic has become extinct.  It’s not exercised enough.  But that’s a whole ‘nother subject.

The reason why I’m down could be the fact that I’m ashamed to be the same species as that dude that owes me.  And that son of a bitch cop who shot a dog only because he was protecting his owner who was lying on concrete after having a seizure.  The same species that bred these heinous creatures along with others such as James Holmes, Rudy Eugene, Yolanda Saldívar and these fucking idiots:

I am disgusted at the fact that I share similar characteristics with these people, that I’m classified as a human alongside them.  And those I mentioned aren’t even a tenth of a percent that are out there .

There are few people who keep my hope of discovering good on this planet alive.  I wish there were more people like them.  With that said, I would like to awkwardly wish my sister Nicole a ‘Happy Burfday’ even though it totally doesn’t blend in with this horrible post.  I love you and I’m sure you have already found humor somewhere in reading this regardless of how serious I am.

Allow me to put my mask back on to preserve this facade of being 100% complacent and approving of the aspects in my life.  It’s the only way to co-exist with others successfully.  Not that I give a fuck anyway.

Oh, and by the way……the guy in the video has a Hannah Montana towel on his lap.  Fuck is wrong with you niggas, man?!  *sigh*

I’m out.  *blocks & reports world as spam*

Olympic Gold

Oh man.  The Olympics.  This shit is golden.  There’s so much going on.  So much competition.  So much pride and honor…….So much to laugh at.

It’s hard to keep up, there’s so much going on.  Even for the country you’re rooting for.

Randumb:  “Rooting” means “fucking” in Australia

The only way to stay interested is to watch with a different mentality.  Other than the Brazilian Women’s Volleyball team looking fine, there’s only one other way to enjoy the Olympics.  Laugh.  Everything in life is better when you laugh.  Well, except diarrhea.  But you get what I mean.

Athletes falling, tripping, missing landings.  At times, it could be so intense that you don’t want to laugh at the participants crying after a mistake that cost them the gold.  But you just gotta pull out that inner asshole that everybody possesses knowingly or unknowingly and just crack up.  Come on, you can do it!  You know you’re asshole on the low.  Everybody knows it’s the way to go. (See Silent Savagery)

Now, I’m not a complete asshole.  For instance, I don’t laugh when a gymnast fails a landing and they appear to have injured something.  I give it up.  Well, the replay MIGHT get me sometimes.  But when I see them getting carted off, crying in pain but still smiling and waving, I feel for them and respect their bravery.  It sucks that all of their hard training went to shit, but they tried until they couldn’t anymore which is admirable.  EVERYTHING else makes my heart stop temporarily from rolling in the aisles though.  The way boats are rowed in those races makes me chuckle.  The struggle to score in Water Polo makes me grin.  The ass whoppings USA is giving the rest of the countries in basketball makes me pump my fist and let out an evil villain laugh.  I love it.

OH! What about when Japan bought Ukraine’s medal?


Ok.  Fine.  They didn’t BUY it.  They appealed the judges’ decision and succeeded.  They were in fourth place.  Ukraine had the bronze, Britain had the silver.  Homeboy from Japan’s Men’s gymnastics team whipped out a few Benjis and the rest is history.  Now, Japan takes home silver, Britain bronze and Ukraine…well Ukraine got the fuck up out of there with nothing to show for their effort

and this face:

It wasn’t a funny situation for some.  But I found myself having to look for something to dry my face before my beard got wet while my 1-pack convulsed.  It was a challenge.  I couldn’t see with all the tears waiting in line for their turn to trickle down my cheek gracefully.  *sigh*  What a moment.

Olympic Comedy Gold.

Let’s all be semi-assholes collectively and enjoy these Summer Olympic games more by laughing.  Stop mean mugging the TV all the time, looking all concentrated.  Let it out.  Unless you have diarrhea.  You might want to let that pass first.

Signing out.  *floods Mentos factory with Coke*

Welcome To ‘FAILFest’

Look at the poor giraffe.  Can’t even succeed at suicide.  It’s ok, Geoffrey.  You’re not alone.  Everybody fails.  We’re human.  But some fail triumphantly, and those are the ones that end up on youtube.

For those who don’t like reading much, it’s your lucky day.  Today, it’s all about visuals.  Getting right to the point.  Less reading, more laughing.  Since the Olympics have arrived let’s start with athletic fails.  WELCOME TO FAILFest!!!

After watching this next one, I had to download this game.  I just HAD to try it.  It’s pretty fucking impossible.  The way this kid fails is hilarious though.  “SWISS FUCKING CHEESE, GODDAMMIT!!”

It would be some shit if the guy who made this video actually made the game and is using these funny videos to promote it.  If it is, it worked.  If you wanna try this game,you can download 2 Trial versions on XBOX Live in the “Indie games” section. Search: The Impossible Game (The ‘Level Pack’ one is longer.)

Who’s ready for fat fails?! LET’S FUCKING GO!

The song is retarded.  I love the ending though.  One of my favorites.

We also got drunk motherfuckers…..

Daaaamn, girl! You really know how to make a man………………laugh til he cries.

Fuck this. I’m outta here.  I hope y’all enjoyed my half-assed post.  (I referred to Geoffrey as a human. No fucks were given.)  Gotta go.

Toodaloo Mothafuckaaaa!  *sits on cheetah*