Stupid Dope Showers

*Heavy sigh* That last one was touchy.  Allow me to lighten the mood a little bit.

If you claim you don’t try hitting Mariah Carey notes in the shower, you’re a liar.  Everybody has tried singing in the shower AT LEAST once in their life.  Some keep it real and give up when they hear how bad they sound and some are pros.  Some of you out there don’t care if your roommate or your Mom has visitors, you squeal like pigs until you get a knock on the bathroom door accompanied by “SHUT YO ASS THE FUCK UP!… DAMN!!!”  Then you start yodeling even louder cuz you couldn’t give a furry crack of a rats behind about what anybody says.  In the shower, you got pipes like a young Whitney Houston and everybody is just hating on you.  …….. Vocal cords, not crack smoking devices. C’mon, guys. Stay with me here.

Me? ….. I take shit to another level.  I get my James Brown on when the tub is soapy.  Talkin’ bout “WATCH MEH!”  I puts it DOWN!  Stupid dope moves.  When I get hair conditioner on my shoulders, I do the “Wop” to get it off.  I don’t think about if I fall and crack my head. Fuck that. I’m too smoove.  *side eye* ……  I do the “Running Man” to get the soap off the bottom of my feet like it ain’t nuttin’.  Then I do the “River Dance” to push the water to the drain.  If my Michael Jackson hand-flick slaps the soap off the soap holder, AIN’T NO THANG!  I do a quick 360, soul train half-split, & come right back up with the soap in hand.  Move it right along. *crotch grab* “AAAAAHHHHH!!!”  Fucking SWAG!  Once ShowerJam is over, I “Harlem Shake” as much water off of me as I can.

So what if some water managed to escape the curtains?  I’ll be glad to grab the mop and  take care of the puddle on the floor.  Like this:

Yup.  Just like that.

Look at y’all. Denying it.  You do it too.  I didn’t invent this shit.

So you mean to tell me you never busted your ass when your back foot failed to land while you did the “Charlie Brown”? … HA! Please.

Confession: Even I, with my stupid dope self, took a bad spill once.  And there was nothing to grab on the way down but the shower curtain.  It was bad, y’all.  Shit sounded like a shopping cart falling down the stairs.  Shampoo bottles flyin’.  ANOTHER puddle I had to wipe up.  But this time, I was winded and the bruise on my thigh had me looking like Ice Cube in “Anaconda”.  Leg stiff than a mothafucka! ….Don’t laugh, b. It’s not funny, yo.  I coulda died and you’re over here cackling like Woody Wood Pecker. Fuck y’all.

But go ahead though.  ShowerJam doesn’t have to end there.  Just because I fell doesn’t mean you should stop doing the “Cha Cha Slide” butt ass nekkid.  I’m chillin’.  I learned my lesson.  I can’t wait til you learn yours. *evil laugh*

5 minus 4…