Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (Spoiler-Free Hood Review)

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Ayo wuz poppin’, bitch ass niggaz!  Yo, before I start this shit, nah mean, I wanna shout out all the real Star Wars fans out there, b.  On some real shit. REAL fans.  Mothafuckas that been waitin’ 30 suttin years for a good Star Wars movie.  Word.  Like, I don’t claim to be y’all cuz… shit, I ain’t 30, scrap.

I been playing the lil’ video games and shit since I was like 5 years old but I seent da umm…. da omm… da prequels and shit growin’ up.  Like part 1 and 2 in the theaters wit my fawvuh, you feel me?  I remember episode 2 being iight & shit.  I was prolly high off contact & shit from being in Harlem so much but I was a kid tho, son.  I was used to movies like Friday and Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.

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Shit like that.  You show me a war in outer space wit laser beams and little old wrinkly, green mothafuckas wit telekinesis and I’ma bug the fuck out, you see what I’m sayin’?  So….I just watched the whole shit back-ta-back and I gotta say, dem prequels was hot gahbage, b.  Word up. Shits was not good.  At ALL, shun.  Part 3 was aight and whatever but naaah.  Prequels was weaker than a abortion on Muva’s Day and shit, righ?  So I ain’t a hardcore fan but I fuck wit the original trilogy shit heavy namsayin’?  So I’m at the movies on Friday cuz we got the reserved joints that sold out in minutes, shout out to the plug! Shit was packed!  Every room was fucking Star Wars, dog!  Nuffin else.  But fuck all lat, let me get to it.2000px-Star_Wars_Logo.svgSo the shit start, same it always did. “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away……” …..PRAAAAHHNN! The fucking theme song caught me off guard like always and shit and then the words scroll up the screen. I’m reading the shit and in my head I’m like, “Yo gawd….this shit boutta be FIRE!”
So whatever, shit happens. We introduced to the new characters. Off the bat, we saw Kylo Ren, the new villain. Darth Vader wannabe and shit.

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We meet Finn … Myyy nigga.  First black MAIN character in Star Wars.  Salute to the young gawd.  He killed it!  He a Stormtrooper that feels like “naaah fuck this.  These mothafuckas evil, I gotta get the fuck outta here” type shit.  Then the chick name is Rey.  She’s a fucking G!  She’s a scavenger from the planet Jakku.  Her first movie role and she fucking did her thing, goddamn!  She’s outta here!  She’s a mothafuckin’ star, yo.  For real.  Who else?  Omm… the little soccer ball lookin’ robot nigga you see in Target and Walmart and shit.  Yeah, dat nigga.  BB-8.

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I ain’t give a fuck about him when I seent the hype about him before the movie came out.  But when the movie came on, I cared about the little guy.  I dunno how the director, J.J. Abrams did this shit but the nigga made me feel some type of way about a fucking droid, yo.  Like, this little robot was funny, cute-no-homo, emotional, all the above.  I guess further into the future, these mothafuckas got human emotion programmed into em or whatever.  Shit, idk.  Poe Dameron, 1st Latino in a Star Wars joint. Salute to him too, yo. And shout out to all my rice and beans niggaz, y’heardt?  He a pilot for the Resistance, the Military movement that fights against the omm…. the First Order and shit, Kylo Ren and em.  That nigga can FLY, b! There’s mad other characters, but those the main ones.  Then we got the OGs. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, all them old ass niggaz.  And the shit start to feel like it really continue a bunch of years after episode 6 left off.  By the way, I’m using the reguluh numbers cuz I know a few niggaz dat don’t know what the fuck a roman numeral is, ya dig?

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But yeah, these new characters go on a adventure, paths cross, woopty woo, all that shit.  I ain’t gon say shit cuz everything is a potential spoiler.  There’s a reason why we don’t see Luke Skywalker in the trailers.  There’s mad shit going on, mad new questions being raised, mad action, dope ass acting, humor, touchy moments, fucking classic light saber battles.  Yeah.  CLASSIC, nigga.  You heard me.  Fuck else imma say?  The shit was straight fire, b.  What’s the shit ppl say?  Phenomen-oh?  Masterfoe?  Yeah, fuck it.  All that shit. This movie is incredi-bow, like idk how else to put it bruh.  The music, sound effects, the signature Star Wars editing, FLAMES!  I’ma keep it all the way real. …….I almost shed a quick one, yo.  Like real quick, like… it ain’t come down and shit.  My nigga Blaze was right next to me, nah mean? I wasn’t trynna be a bitch and cry in public and shit but yeah.  It was there, son.  The shit was exciting. I man’d up tho, word.  Started clappin’ and shit wit the crowd to keep it together.

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But yeah umm….my niggaz, GO. SEE. THIS. MOVIE.  You never seen a Star Wars movie?  Don’t matter, fuck that.  It’s way better if you watch the OG trilogy first but to keep it a thousand, this is a new generation movie right here.  I was watching a Youtuber review this movie and he was like umm… he saw a little girl in the Disney store or whateva, going crazy about the female lead character, Rey and shit. There was princess dolls everywhere but the girl only cared about the Rey doll and the light saber in her hand.  And he was like it’s cool to see young kids who prolly don’t know shit about Star Wars getting excited about it like he did with Luke Skywalker and the original movie.  And how there was a black family buying the doll or whatever of the Finn character and how cool it is to have minorities represented in this universe finally.  I thought that shit was really dope, like…. it’s never too late to check Star Wars out if you curious why the fuck people love it so much, you feel me?  You curious but don’t wanna do your homework?  It is what it is, b.  That’s fine.  This movie is so fucking good tho, you could watch it as a stand-alone movie and get lost in the sauce, b. And you won’t really be lost like dat. star-wars-the-force-awakens-full-trailer-18-02-pm-155984I ain’t saying shit else cuz I might slip up and give some shit away and then I’m a snitch.  Fuck outta here.  All I know is, I’m watching this mothafucka again this week in IMAX. Regular IMAX. Fuck that 3D shit.  Shit trash.  Iz a gimmick.  This movie was so fire, that i ain’t even notice how much 3D effects it lacked. Shit, that’s wassup tho.  If 3D is the focus of the movie, 12 times out of 10 the shit is sanitation gar-baj like BIG say. You could tell this movie ain’t give a fuck about that.  They cared about tellin’ a story.  I could do without the fucking doofy glasses too, b.  Anyway, I’m ramblin’, dick.

So what have we learned today children?
1. This movie str8 up fire.
2. Nerds was right all along to get they pussies wet over this shit and
3. J.J. Abrams is dat nigga.

Oh yeah, and fuck 3D.

I’ma give this muvafucka here a

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And a “Real Nigga” Seal of Approval.  Word.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is next, my niggas!  I’m fuckin’ dyin’ for this shit to come out.  I’ll smack somebody grandma for no reason, I’m so hype.

Anyway, may the force be with all you mothafuckaz. Peace.

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