#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s fucking over.  What’s that? Like 100+ movies since 2012?  Bruh.  Somehow, this is the first time I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to push through the last week.  Must’ve been the convenience of starting with all Netflix picks.  Or maybe it was cuz I watched almost all of these at midnight so i had a whole day ahead of me to plan.  Maybe I’m just getting used to it.  Fuck it, I’m just old.  Months fly by quicker the older you get.  Yeah, that’s it.

Day 21: Crimson Peak (2015)

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Let me paint the picture for y’all. It’s 10 AM on a Wednesday.  Reserved seat dead center of an IMAX theater.  7 people scattered, 600 seats in total.  2 exits in the back and the only person sitting behind me is a man is business attire a few rows back.  A 2 hour movie about ghosts didn’t scare me as much as my mind did in those first 15 minutes of me sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start.  For 15 minutes, all I could think about is WHAT IF  someone just stands up and starts shooting.  But even if my girlfriend didn’t successfully put that fear in my hand for a short period of time, this movie still couldn’t scare me.  This movie couldn’t scare a kid.  It was not at all what I expected it to be in terms of being a horror movie.

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However, it was dare I say an excellent drama.  Mia Wasikowska as Edith Cushing reminded me of a young Claire Danes for whatever reason.  Her soft face contrasted with Jessica Chastain’s strong features.  That girl’s got a broad chin……CRIMSON CHIN! Ba-dum-ch!

I noticed a few audio/visual synchronicity issues early in the movie but nothing too serious.  Good story, lots of drama, great movie.  I think I might want this on Blu-ray because visually, this mothafucka was beautiful.  Some scenes looked Titanic adjace. (Early 1900’s)  Guillermo Del Toro did his goddamn thing.

Day 22: Ouija (2014)

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“Producer of Insidious” … THAT part is apparent.  I didn’t li-…… It just wasn’t go-…. It was whatever.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Y’all know how PG-13 horrors go.  Potential but no pay off.  Not only that, the acting.  Olivia Cooke is a beautiful girl but she has the same face on the entire movie.  She looked the same when she was shocked, sad, scared, worried, curious, doing her googles. Just all the time.  She’s young, she’ll get it right in the future.

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I don’t think I’ve seen many bathroom sinks to the head in horror movies but it happened in Crimson Peak and saw it again in this movie.  Back to back bathroom sink kills.  I could see how this movie can work on a kid who’s never heard of a Ouija board before.  I can at least say this movie came out at a proper time since all kids know about nowadays are iPads. But yeah……*raspberry*

Day 23: Frozen (2010)

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Same here, Harry Knowles.  I loved this damn movie.  It was a very stationary, simple movie but it wasn’t boring at all.  It’s about a terrifying situation that lots of people fear, but doesn’t happen because ski resorts are inspected to prevent it, but is still scary as fuck.  Being left and forgotten on a chairlift high off the ground.  This film sucks you in emotionally with the score and the acting, specifically Emma Bell’s and Shawn Ashmore’s performances. *COUGH*Animorphs*COUGH*

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That’s bae.  Has been ever since she portrayed Amy on The Walking Dead. … which came out after this movie.  So basically she was bae before I knew she was bae cuz she’s a babe in this movie.  I don’t know if she still is now but I’m pretty sure she could still be bae.  Anybae way, I noticed almost, if not everybody has blue eyes in this movie.  Purposely? I don’t know.  IMDB could help me out with….OH MY GOD.  The trivia on this movie blew me away.  To avoid spoiling events in the movie, I’ll just isolate one for y’all.

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That. Is. Crazy.  Rest of the Q&A HAD to be awkward.  The rest of the shit I read on IMDB just makes this movie officially one of my favorites.

Day 24: The Vatican Tapes (2015)

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If I were the devil, I’d possess this fine ass bitch too LAWD!

But I want to know……why women? Why are only women possessed in these movies? Why won’t the devil possess men? Would getting inside a man make the devil gay? Is he homophobic? I wonder…
At least this exorcism was kind of different. The whole thing was ‘meh’ until the very end. The movie closes with so much possibilities. Is this it? Could Angela Holmes be that iconic recurring female character in horror that I’ve been talking about?

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I hope so.  The final shots of the movie were promising.  I sure hope that if there were any sequels in the future, that they actually make more sense. Some scenes were choppy and some were just ridiculous.  Like how the fuck can the devil shape shift into a clone of the person they possessed?  Why were there two Angelas? What the fuck.  Why the fuck does Michael Peña play a priest?  Why is an older man calling him “father”?  NO.  Next!

Day 25: Cooties (2014)

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I cried.  It starts with some light comedy and then shit hits the fan, hilarity ensues and I cried laughing.  The first 30 minutes were just back-to-back jokes, fast-paced comedy and blood everywhere.  It’s very colorful and as the movie progresses, it gets darker and scarier.  It goes from being a horror comedy to a comedy horror but it keeps it’s schtick and that’s why this was a fun watch.  I recommend this shit to anybody.  Especially fans of TV comedies.  Look at this cast.

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SQUAD!  At one point, Rainn Wilson starts dropping one-liners out his ass.  What more can you ask for?

Day 26: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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Wait……Margot Kidder was hot???  Really?  I watched the whole Superman movie series and not once did I think, “Damn.  Lois Lane is one fine bitch!”  But I did while watching this.  Like, come on.  She had ribbons in her pigtails.  Anyway, this shit was hilarious.  There’s a nun playing blacktop basketball.  I was dying.

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I just love the shitty editing of the 70’s.  And now I know where that Scary Movie 2 scene came from with the priest and the flies….he really looks like he was taking a shit.  Good shit, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Day 27: Unfriended (2014)

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Don’t know if this movie was actually good, but I was fucking glued.  The entire thing from beginning to end is a video screen capture of a girl’s computer.  I watched it on my laptop as everyone should for that authentic feel.  Preferably on an Apple computer but if you don’t have one, just pretend that your laptop is, like I did.  After the movie was over, I felt weird Googling stuff.  I felt like I was a character in the movie and I was being haunted.

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This shit was pretty cool.  It’s so original and creative.  Kudos to the producers for effectively executing such a unique film.  Lots of “Oh shit!” moments on here.  The acting starts to get ridiculous and cheesy half way through and unfortunately, the viewer can be temporarily reminded that it’s just a movie but it doesn’t really matter once you’re interested.  The ending was flawed but only from a technical standpoint.  I’ll take it though.  Technology, man.  It’s changing the landscape of cinema.  This one’s for the ‘Skypers’.

Day 28: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

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I did a terrible job at picking movies this year.  I want to be scared, not bombarded with action sequences.  I don’t fuck with action movies all that much.  There’s only so much you can do with them.  However, I ain’t mad at this one cuz it was fucking awesome.  If it’s action, there gotta be some serious ass-kicking or else I’m not interested.  This bitch right here? Badass.

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There was some horror in there somewhere, I guess.  Barely.  Originally an anime film but I was not about to watch that shit too.  Not now anyway.  Some of the special effects are god-awful.  Super trash.  All is forgiven once Saya starts slinging that katana though.

Day 29: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

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Maaaaan, there’s nothing like 70’s and 80’s horror movies.  If they’re not fantastic, they’re so terrible that they’re good.  If they’re neither, they’re weird enough to stay with you for a long ass time and the images of the movie replay in your mind to the point where the memory of it is more vivid than all your other movie memories.  Don’t Go in the House is both good and weird.  It’s good BECAUSE it’s weird.  The movie focuses on the psychotic killer, as opposed to the victim of the psychotic killer.  The first act of violence in the movie is so gruesome that, despite the noticeably shitty special effect, the movie was banned in England and Wales.

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We’ve probably seen crazier shit over the years but at the time, it was pretty crazy.  Speaking of crazy, this motherfucker Donny, man.  What the fuck, bro?  Had me believing Dan Grimaldi, the actor who plays Donny, is really crazy.  He look like Bob from That 70’s Show in some scenes though LMAO!  Anyway, pretty solid horror film.

Days 30: Demons (1985)

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What the fuck did I just watch?  This shit was type trash, b.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the protagonist is completely forgotten about for like 20 minutes.  Like yo, huh?!  It’s an Italian movie yet it’s in English and the actors are CLEARLY speaking English but it still seems like the English audio was POORLY dubbed over cuz the audio-visual synchrony fucking sucked.  WOW.  At least there was some good gore.

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Day 31: Demons 2 (1986)

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Oh my fucking God.  Again with the terrible dubbed audio.  Both these movies are just about demons acting like zombies.  Mr. Argento…put the quill down and stick to directing, my G.

But seriously though, at least this one was kind of better.  Less gore, but better all around.  It’s like they used the first movie as a template and just changed the scenery and the practical effects and….OH look, same black guy.  As a different character.  Are they trying to say that all black people look alike and nobody would notice? Because that’s what it seems like.  WHY?  BRUH. WHY? Smh.

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You can tell these motherfuckers were watching Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and were like, “BROOO.  We should make a horror movie with mad rock music playing in the background for no reason”.  At least they upped the ante for this one.  Dogs and kids are with the shits in this one.  So here’s basically what I watched.  Grown ass women playing 16 year olds, midgets playing 6 year olds and the same black guy playing another black guy.  What the fuck is going on in Italy?

Alright, that’s it!  31 movi….

PSYCH!

BONUS MOVIE OF THE MONTH!!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

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Oh my God, it’s Bae from The Vatican Tapes.  I love her.  Oh, but wait.  She just single-handedly ruined the franchise.  How, you ask?  Well, she’s somewhat of a recognizable face in horror now.  These movies are supposed to be taken over by unknown actors to suspend disbelief.  But then again, what is this?  The 5th Paranormal Activity? Nobody even remotely suspects that this is actual found footage and nobody has since the 1st movie.  It picks up where the 3rd movie ended with little Katie.  Then it…. I’m not about to explain all this shit, bruh.

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It’s too complicated to verbalize.  Just know that the creative and innovative ways of camera use in the previous ‘Paranormals’ are coming to a slow and deliberate, while still screeching halt. But the creative efforts of these writers are starting to focus on the tie-ins. Every movie now is starting to put some puzzle pieces together that help understand the timeline of these hauntings and it’s all one big overwhelming knot that’s ready to be picked apart and explained on some elaborate essay. What’s that I hear? Do it for the blog? I AIN’T GON’ DO IT.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Bravo’s 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006)

Bravo’s 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009)

IT’S HALLOWEEN! A.k.a Ash Vs. Evil Dead day for the real niggas.  And the realest of niggas already seent the first episode but I’m still gonna watch it again cuz I’m a real nigga.

Until next year, fuckheads.  *ghost rides DeLorean through Halloween parade*

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