#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 11-20)

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That’s right, Sir Poe.  That IS fucked!  I almost lost some sleep over these next 2 movies.  I said almost.

Day 11: The Sacrament (2013)

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Before I begin, this movie is supposed to be found footage, yet it’s scored.  I don’t think that’s a good thing but I also don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing considering the way it ends.

This shit fucked me up.  It’s unsettling.  It’s disturbing.  It’s nightmarish.

The Sacrament is closely based on a real-life tragedy that occurred in 1978 known as the Jonestown Massacre.  The largest single mass death until 9/11.  I’m conflicted because on one hand, I thought this film was well done.  On the other hand, I think it’s disrespectful.  To make something like this, a historical event, into a movie in the horror genre is flat out rude, in my opinion.  I don’t know why I feel that way because I do understand that what happened was horrific.  I don’t know.  I’m confused.

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If I were asked about this movie, I guess I would describe it personally as a kitschy one.  I’m not even sure if I’m using the word right but somehow, I appreciate The Sacrament.  I thought about it and I figured if I watched this without the preconceived notion that it’s a horror flick, I can view it as a historically incorrect dramatization of the story of Jonestown.

Day 12: The House of the Devil (2009)

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While reading on The Sacrament, I learned that producer Ti West is mostly known for The Innkeepers and The House of the Devil and so I decided to watch The House of the Devil.  I wanted to see what he was REALLY about and I always see the artsy movie poster on the internet.

This movie is set in the 80’s.  Not only that, it’s shot in 80’s style.  It looks like it came out back then.  The video quality is grainy, the opening credits, as you can see in the picture above, was … what it was, the music, the camera angles, the excessive use of slow zoom in and outs…. I. WAS. FLOORED.

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I kept googling the movie for its release date because I couldn’t believe this came out in 2009.  It’s that perfect.  I’m already a sucker for 80’s flicks so I was enamored with the style of this movie and the idea that these cinematographic techniques are still valuable today.  The protagonist is played by a gorgeous woman by the name of Jocelin Donahue, who did an incredible job at her role.  (She favorited 2 of my tweets where I gushed over the film so I’m gassed and shit.)  This shit was so on point, I bet the same person that figured out exactly what date was Ice Cube’s “Good Day” can put the references and lunar eclipse date together to figure out when this so-called “true” event happened.

Day 13: American Mary (2012)

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Easy on the eyes, easy on the ears, barely scary.  Not something you would watch on Halloween or anything.  However, American Mary is a better-than-good Canadian independent movie made by Jen and Sylvia, the Soska Sisters, whom I first was introduced to when I went to that See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel they were on at New York Comic Con in 2013.  It’s about a medical student who, like most students, is in dire need of some quick cash to pay her bills.  Things go awry (sort of) and she starts performing body modification procedures for a living.  Doesn’t sound bad, right?  Well, it wasn’t.

This movie is very original.  A refined piece of art.  I’ve never seen much like it.  Real members of the body mod community are featured, which adds authenticity to the film.  SPOILER ALERT!: American Mary had potential for a sequel until the end ruined any possibility of that happening. This could very well have been an origin story to a reprising character in horror.  Like I said before about Nell Sweetzer from The Last Exorcism, there needs to be more iconic women in horror films.  Katharine Isabelle is an excellent candidate after making this.  Even her character’s name, Mary Mason, sounds like a great, memorable name.  Why isn’t she a Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure yet?  You don’t need a sequel for that.

I don’t know how horrors are typically made in Canada, but if this is any indication, I think I like what they’re doing up there.

Day 14: Dead Alive (1992)

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I fucking loved this.  It was so fun to watch.  Blood splatters EVERYWHERE!  The comedy is so ridiculous, it’s entertaining.  There’s a baby scene that’s funny in the Mr. Bean way.  It’s a guy being a complete klutz with an infant in public.  Also, we see awesome use of a lawnmower and a blender.  Amazing effects.  There isn’t much more I can say besides this shit is lit.

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Oh, and I’m gonna start using, “Is that the girl with the donkey in the chamber?”

Day 15: Creep (2014)

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This shit was short as fuck.  But hey, the allotted time was enough to make me go, “Well, when is this guy gonna show signs of being a creep?”  Knowing the title of the film sucks because I was on the edge of my seat expecting creep shit to start happening.  It’s better to go in blind.  I’ll probably play this for my dad soon without letting him know what he’s watching.   At first, the “creep” is just a funny person who you actually feel sympathy for and you kind of start to feel like you want to be his friend.

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And then it’s like, “Oh no.  Wait a minute…that’s unacceptable.”  It’s just what was expected, for me.  If I didn’t know the name of the movie, I would’ve had a pit in my stomach because just a few minutes prior, this maniac would’ve seemed sweet to me.  He was far from that.  Good acting by Mark Duplass though.  Even knowing the title, his character being genuinely nice was believable.  Anyway, it felt like something was missing once the movie was over but that’s cuz the shit was short as hell.  I enjoyed it.

Day 16: The Stranger (2014)

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It’s possible that I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this kind of movie but I doubt it.  I know when a movie is rear beer.

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This movie is a drama, it wasn’t scary at all.  The story pissed me off way too many times and a lot of shit didn’t make sense.  I watched this for Lorenza Izzo and she’s barely in it.  Let’s move on before I get pissed off again.

Day 17: The Innkeepers (2011)

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Sara Paxton is a delight.  Her screams alone were entertaining.  They were hilarious at first when she was just startled….then shit got real.  YO.  There’s a few scenes in this movie that made me either jump or made my heart drop.  Shit.  Was.  TERRIFYING!   Hotels get scarier and scarier in my mind the more I watch these haunted hotel movies.  If the lobby ain’t poppin’, I ain’t droppin’       ……………my ……..luggage   ….there.

The point is, fuck quiet ass hotels, bihh.

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Day 18: We Are Still Here (2015)

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Oh my God! It’s Ms. “Head Head” herself, Barbara Crampton! Of course, I’m so slow, I didn’t notice until there was 20 minutes left in the movie…….and it’s the reason I had it on my list in the first place! Wow, bro. Wow.  This shit was iight, nah mean?  A lot of very good qualities.

First, the negative.  The souls in the house were scary as fuck when they were barely visible.  I didn’t like how they looked once they were in the light though.  They just look like hipsters with black face.  And why do they look like they belong on the hookah, bro?  They look like newly lit charcoal.  The ending is laughable.  It’s so abrupt and ridiculous to me.

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Now, the positive.  My Xbox remote was dying so I paused the movie and I put it to charge.  I hit resume as I was getting comfortable in my bed again and at the exact same time that I finally got settled in, the movie got quiet.  Before I could blink, the movie caught me SO GOOD with a jump scare, my knee jerk reaction was to bury my face in my hands.  I never felt so pussy in my life OMG!  I felt it, you guys.  I finally felt fear.  Some of the gore was amazing too.  And finally, Larry Fessenden is Jack Nicholson adjace.  Don’t ask me how that’s a positive. It just is.

Day 19: American Psycho (2000)

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What a bunch of pretentious assholes, eh?  At least familiarize yourself with your co-workers enough to remember who’s name belongs to who.  These guys walk around calling each other anything and no one cares.  But that wasn’t even the real issue. This guy Patrick Bateman is a serious fucking psychopath.  Running around killing people for no reason at all.  OR WAS HE?! Hmmmmm…….

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Oh, boo hoo! This movie is 15 years old.  I’m the last person on earth to watch it for certain because I always am.  I haven’t even watched the original Star Wars trilogy.  PUT YOUR GODDAMN COCK AWAY!  This ain’t a measuring contest.  I just never got around to it.  No worries, I finally own them.  But anyway, back to American Psycho.

15 years is enough time to deem something a classic, right?  The ending IS open to interpretation and it’s still talked about today.  I think it’s a classic.  Despite watching it only 48 hours ago.

Day 20: American Psycho 2 (2002)

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I’m impressed.  For an early 2000’s straight-to-video sequel to a movie that’s revered as one of the most notable of the decade, this movie is very smart despite the terrible ratings all over the internet.  All the credit goes to a young Mila Kunis for really selling her character as a desperate-to-become-professor’s-assistant criminology student.  It’s also easy to watch her little face on the screen.  Wait….young Mila Kunis?  She’s STILL young!  She’s only 32, still. HOW SWAY?!  She been on my TV forever.  Younger Mila, I should say.

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Listen, I get it.  This movie has some shitty qualities.  For one, this shit ain’t even scary, disturbing, offensive, NOTHING!  I get it.  Like the part where they show a picture of Patrick Bateman and it’s not even Christian Bale.  I get it, that was stupid.  Or like the part where the fire from the car explosion looks so fake and then they show the car on fire….REAL fire.  Like, why the fuck show the explosion at all?  It didn’t add anything to it.  I get it, shit was ass!  And who can forget Kunis jogging?  Easily the cheesiest jogging montage I’ve ever seen.  I GET IT! However, there’s plenty of good things.  The tie in to the 1st movie was decent.  The script wasn’t bad at all.  The nod to Bateman’s habit of talking about music right before he murders somebody.  A clear cut ending for the people that still struggle to make sense of the original’s ending.  Look.  Whatever, OK?  Given the stigma that sequels have, you probably won’t watch this anyway, so I’m done here.

BUT NOT ENTIRELY, Y’SEE?

We still have 11 days to go in October.  It ain’t over til the little girl at the 41st annual New York’s Village Halloween parade dressed as Elsa from Frozen tries to sing on NY1 and gets the microphone snatched from her face prematurely to her displeasure.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  You ain’t about this Halloween life, homie.

Condom Kill Counter: 1

…. Thanks, Kunis.

Au revoir!  *naked “Hotline Bling” dance moves on balcony*

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