#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s fucking over.  What’s that? Like 100+ movies since 2012?  Bruh.  Somehow, this is the first time I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to push through the last week.  Must’ve been the convenience of starting with all Netflix picks.  Or maybe it was cuz I watched almost all of these at midnight so i had a whole day ahead of me to plan.  Maybe I’m just getting used to it.  Fuck it, I’m just old.  Months fly by quicker the older you get.  Yeah, that’s it.

Day 21: Crimson Peak (2015)

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Let me paint the picture for y’all. It’s 10 AM on a Wednesday.  Reserved seat dead center of an IMAX theater.  7 people scattered, 600 seats in total.  2 exits in the back and the only person sitting behind me is a man is business attire a few rows back.  A 2 hour movie about ghosts didn’t scare me as much as my mind did in those first 15 minutes of me sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start.  For 15 minutes, all I could think about is WHAT IF  someone just stands up and starts shooting.  But even if my girlfriend didn’t successfully put that fear in my hand for a short period of time, this movie still couldn’t scare me.  This movie couldn’t scare a kid.  It was not at all what I expected it to be in terms of being a horror movie.

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However, it was dare I say an excellent drama.  Mia Wasikowska as Edith Cushing reminded me of a young Claire Danes for whatever reason.  Her soft face contrasted with Jessica Chastain’s strong features.  That girl’s got a broad chin……CRIMSON CHIN! Ba-dum-ch!

I noticed a few audio/visual synchronicity issues early in the movie but nothing too serious.  Good story, lots of drama, great movie.  I think I might want this on Blu-ray because visually, this mothafucka was beautiful.  Some scenes looked Titanic adjace. (Early 1900’s)  Guillermo Del Toro did his goddamn thing.

Day 22: Ouija (2014)

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“Producer of Insidious” … THAT part is apparent.  I didn’t li-…… It just wasn’t go-…. It was whatever.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Y’all know how PG-13 horrors go.  Potential but no pay off.  Not only that, the acting.  Olivia Cooke is a beautiful girl but she has the same face on the entire movie.  She looked the same when she was shocked, sad, scared, worried, curious, doing her googles. Just all the time.  She’s young, she’ll get it right in the future.

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I don’t think I’ve seen many bathroom sinks to the head in horror movies but it happened in Crimson Peak and saw it again in this movie.  Back to back bathroom sink kills.  I could see how this movie can work on a kid who’s never heard of a Ouija board before.  I can at least say this movie came out at a proper time since all kids know about nowadays are iPads. But yeah……*raspberry*

Day 23: Frozen (2010)

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Same here, Harry Knowles.  I loved this damn movie.  It was a very stationary, simple movie but it wasn’t boring at all.  It’s about a terrifying situation that lots of people fear, but doesn’t happen because ski resorts are inspected to prevent it, but is still scary as fuck.  Being left and forgotten on a chairlift high off the ground.  This film sucks you in emotionally with the score and the acting, specifically Emma Bell’s and Shawn Ashmore’s performances. *COUGH*Animorphs*COUGH*

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That’s bae.  Has been ever since she portrayed Amy on The Walking Dead. … which came out after this movie.  So basically she was bae before I knew she was bae cuz she’s a babe in this movie.  I don’t know if she still is now but I’m pretty sure she could still be bae.  Anybae way, I noticed almost, if not everybody has blue eyes in this movie.  Purposely? I don’t know.  IMDB could help me out with….OH MY GOD.  The trivia on this movie blew me away.  To avoid spoiling events in the movie, I’ll just isolate one for y’all.

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That. Is. Crazy.  Rest of the Q&A HAD to be awkward.  The rest of the shit I read on IMDB just makes this movie officially one of my favorites.

Day 24: The Vatican Tapes (2015)

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If I were the devil, I’d possess this fine ass bitch too LAWD!

But I want to know……why women? Why are only women possessed in these movies? Why won’t the devil possess men? Would getting inside a man make the devil gay? Is he homophobic? I wonder…
At least this exorcism was kind of different. The whole thing was ‘meh’ until the very end. The movie closes with so much possibilities. Is this it? Could Angela Holmes be that iconic recurring female character in horror that I’ve been talking about?

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I hope so.  The final shots of the movie were promising.  I sure hope that if there were any sequels in the future, that they actually make more sense. Some scenes were choppy and some were just ridiculous.  Like how the fuck can the devil shape shift into a clone of the person they possessed?  Why were there two Angelas? What the fuck.  Why the fuck does Michael Peña play a priest?  Why is an older man calling him “father”?  NO.  Next!

Day 25: Cooties (2014)

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I cried.  It starts with some light comedy and then shit hits the fan, hilarity ensues and I cried laughing.  The first 30 minutes were just back-to-back jokes, fast-paced comedy and blood everywhere.  It’s very colorful and as the movie progresses, it gets darker and scarier.  It goes from being a horror comedy to a comedy horror but it keeps it’s schtick and that’s why this was a fun watch.  I recommend this shit to anybody.  Especially fans of TV comedies.  Look at this cast.

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SQUAD!  At one point, Rainn Wilson starts dropping one-liners out his ass.  What more can you ask for?

Day 26: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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Wait……Margot Kidder was hot???  Really?  I watched the whole Superman movie series and not once did I think, “Damn.  Lois Lane is one fine bitch!”  But I did while watching this.  Like, come on.  She had ribbons in her pigtails.  Anyway, this shit was hilarious.  There’s a nun playing blacktop basketball.  I was dying.

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I just love the shitty editing of the 70’s.  And now I know where that Scary Movie 2 scene came from with the priest and the flies….he really looks like he was taking a shit.  Good shit, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Day 27: Unfriended (2014)

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Don’t know if this movie was actually good, but I was fucking glued.  The entire thing from beginning to end is a video screen capture of a girl’s computer.  I watched it on my laptop as everyone should for that authentic feel.  Preferably on an Apple computer but if you don’t have one, just pretend that your laptop is, like I did.  After the movie was over, I felt weird Googling stuff.  I felt like I was a character in the movie and I was being haunted.

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This shit was pretty cool.  It’s so original and creative.  Kudos to the producers for effectively executing such a unique film.  Lots of “Oh shit!” moments on here.  The acting starts to get ridiculous and cheesy half way through and unfortunately, the viewer can be temporarily reminded that it’s just a movie but it doesn’t really matter once you’re interested.  The ending was flawed but only from a technical standpoint.  I’ll take it though.  Technology, man.  It’s changing the landscape of cinema.  This one’s for the ‘Skypers’.

Day 28: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

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I did a terrible job at picking movies this year.  I want to be scared, not bombarded with action sequences.  I don’t fuck with action movies all that much.  There’s only so much you can do with them.  However, I ain’t mad at this one cuz it was fucking awesome.  If it’s action, there gotta be some serious ass-kicking or else I’m not interested.  This bitch right here? Badass.

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There was some horror in there somewhere, I guess.  Barely.  Originally an anime film but I was not about to watch that shit too.  Not now anyway.  Some of the special effects are god-awful.  Super trash.  All is forgiven once Saya starts slinging that katana though.

Day 29: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

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Maaaaan, there’s nothing like 70’s and 80’s horror movies.  If they’re not fantastic, they’re so terrible that they’re good.  If they’re neither, they’re weird enough to stay with you for a long ass time and the images of the movie replay in your mind to the point where the memory of it is more vivid than all your other movie memories.  Don’t Go in the House is both good and weird.  It’s good BECAUSE it’s weird.  The movie focuses on the psychotic killer, as opposed to the victim of the psychotic killer.  The first act of violence in the movie is so gruesome that, despite the noticeably shitty special effect, the movie was banned in England and Wales.

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We’ve probably seen crazier shit over the years but at the time, it was pretty crazy.  Speaking of crazy, this motherfucker Donny, man.  What the fuck, bro?  Had me believing Dan Grimaldi, the actor who plays Donny, is really crazy.  He look like Bob from That 70’s Show in some scenes though LMAO!  Anyway, pretty solid horror film.

Days 30: Demons (1985)

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What the fuck did I just watch?  This shit was type trash, b.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the protagonist is completely forgotten about for like 20 minutes.  Like yo, huh?!  It’s an Italian movie yet it’s in English and the actors are CLEARLY speaking English but it still seems like the English audio was POORLY dubbed over cuz the audio-visual synchrony fucking sucked.  WOW.  At least there was some good gore.

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Day 31: Demons 2 (1986)

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Oh my fucking God.  Again with the terrible dubbed audio.  Both these movies are just about demons acting like zombies.  Mr. Argento…put the quill down and stick to directing, my G.

But seriously though, at least this one was kind of better.  Less gore, but better all around.  It’s like they used the first movie as a template and just changed the scenery and the practical effects and….OH look, same black guy.  As a different character.  Are they trying to say that all black people look alike and nobody would notice? Because that’s what it seems like.  WHY?  BRUH. WHY? Smh.

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You can tell these motherfuckers were watching Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and were like, “BROOO.  We should make a horror movie with mad rock music playing in the background for no reason”.  At least they upped the ante for this one.  Dogs and kids are with the shits in this one.  So here’s basically what I watched.  Grown ass women playing 16 year olds, midgets playing 6 year olds and the same black guy playing another black guy.  What the fuck is going on in Italy?

Alright, that’s it!  31 movi….

PSYCH!

BONUS MOVIE OF THE MONTH!!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

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Oh my God, it’s Bae from The Vatican Tapes.  I love her.  Oh, but wait.  She just single-handedly ruined the franchise.  How, you ask?  Well, she’s somewhat of a recognizable face in horror now.  These movies are supposed to be taken over by unknown actors to suspend disbelief.  But then again, what is this?  The 5th Paranormal Activity? Nobody even remotely suspects that this is actual found footage and nobody has since the 1st movie.  It picks up where the 3rd movie ended with little Katie.  Then it…. I’m not about to explain all this shit, bruh.

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It’s too complicated to verbalize.  Just know that the creative and innovative ways of camera use in the previous ‘Paranormals’ are coming to a slow and deliberate, while still screeching halt. But the creative efforts of these writers are starting to focus on the tie-ins. Every movie now is starting to put some puzzle pieces together that help understand the timeline of these hauntings and it’s all one big overwhelming knot that’s ready to be picked apart and explained on some elaborate essay. What’s that I hear? Do it for the blog? I AIN’T GON’ DO IT.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Bravo’s 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006)

Bravo’s 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009)

IT’S HALLOWEEN! A.k.a Ash Vs. Evil Dead day for the real niggas.  And the realest of niggas already seent the first episode but I’m still gonna watch it again cuz I’m a real nigga.

Until next year, fuckheads.  *ghost rides DeLorean through Halloween parade*

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#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 11-20)

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That’s right, Sir Poe.  That IS fucked!  I almost lost some sleep over these next 2 movies.  I said almost.

Day 11: The Sacrament (2013)

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Before I begin, this movie is supposed to be found footage, yet it’s scored.  I don’t think that’s a good thing but I also don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing considering the way it ends.

This shit fucked me up.  It’s unsettling.  It’s disturbing.  It’s nightmarish.

The Sacrament is closely based on a real-life tragedy that occurred in 1978 known as the Jonestown Massacre.  The largest single mass death until 9/11.  I’m conflicted because on one hand, I thought this film was well done.  On the other hand, I think it’s disrespectful.  To make something like this, a historical event, into a movie in the horror genre is flat out rude, in my opinion.  I don’t know why I feel that way because I do understand that what happened was horrific.  I don’t know.  I’m confused.

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If I were asked about this movie, I guess I would describe it personally as a kitschy one.  I’m not even sure if I’m using the word right but somehow, I appreciate The Sacrament.  I thought about it and I figured if I watched this without the preconceived notion that it’s a horror flick, I can view it as a historically incorrect dramatization of the story of Jonestown.

Day 12: The House of the Devil (2009)

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While reading on The Sacrament, I learned that producer Ti West is mostly known for The Innkeepers and The House of the Devil and so I decided to watch The House of the Devil.  I wanted to see what he was REALLY about and I always see the artsy movie poster on the internet.

This movie is set in the 80’s.  Not only that, it’s shot in 80’s style.  It looks like it came out back then.  The video quality is grainy, the opening credits, as you can see in the picture above, was … what it was, the music, the camera angles, the excessive use of slow zoom in and outs…. I. WAS. FLOORED.

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I kept googling the movie for its release date because I couldn’t believe this came out in 2009.  It’s that perfect.  I’m already a sucker for 80’s flicks so I was enamored with the style of this movie and the idea that these cinematographic techniques are still valuable today.  The protagonist is played by a gorgeous woman by the name of Jocelin Donahue, who did an incredible job at her role.  (She favorited 2 of my tweets where I gushed over the film so I’m gassed and shit.)  This shit was so on point, I bet the same person that figured out exactly what date was Ice Cube’s “Good Day” can put the references and lunar eclipse date together to figure out when this so-called “true” event happened.

Day 13: American Mary (2012)

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Easy on the eyes, easy on the ears, barely scary.  Not something you would watch on Halloween or anything.  However, American Mary is a better-than-good Canadian independent movie made by Jen and Sylvia, the Soska Sisters, whom I first was introduced to when I went to that See No Evil 2/Leprechaun: Origins panel they were on at New York Comic Con in 2013.  It’s about a medical student who, like most students, is in dire need of some quick cash to pay her bills.  Things go awry (sort of) and she starts performing body modification procedures for a living.  Doesn’t sound bad, right?  Well, it wasn’t.

This movie is very original.  A refined piece of art.  I’ve never seen much like it.  Real members of the body mod community are featured, which adds authenticity to the film.  SPOILER ALERT!: American Mary had potential for a sequel until the end ruined any possibility of that happening. This could very well have been an origin story to a reprising character in horror.  Like I said before about Nell Sweetzer from The Last Exorcism, there needs to be more iconic women in horror films.  Katharine Isabelle is an excellent candidate after making this.  Even her character’s name, Mary Mason, sounds like a great, memorable name.  Why isn’t she a Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure yet?  You don’t need a sequel for that.

I don’t know how horrors are typically made in Canada, but if this is any indication, I think I like what they’re doing up there.

Day 14: Dead Alive (1992)

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I fucking loved this.  It was so fun to watch.  Blood splatters EVERYWHERE!  The comedy is so ridiculous, it’s entertaining.  There’s a baby scene that’s funny in the Mr. Bean way.  It’s a guy being a complete klutz with an infant in public.  Also, we see awesome use of a lawnmower and a blender.  Amazing effects.  There isn’t much more I can say besides this shit is lit.

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Oh, and I’m gonna start using, “Is that the girl with the donkey in the chamber?”

Day 15: Creep (2014)

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This shit was short as fuck.  But hey, the allotted time was enough to make me go, “Well, when is this guy gonna show signs of being a creep?”  Knowing the title of the film sucks because I was on the edge of my seat expecting creep shit to start happening.  It’s better to go in blind.  I’ll probably play this for my dad soon without letting him know what he’s watching.   At first, the “creep” is just a funny person who you actually feel sympathy for and you kind of start to feel like you want to be his friend.

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And then it’s like, “Oh no.  Wait a minute…that’s unacceptable.”  It’s just what was expected, for me.  If I didn’t know the name of the movie, I would’ve had a pit in my stomach because just a few minutes prior, this maniac would’ve seemed sweet to me.  He was far from that.  Good acting by Mark Duplass though.  Even knowing the title, his character being genuinely nice was believable.  Anyway, it felt like something was missing once the movie was over but that’s cuz the shit was short as hell.  I enjoyed it.

Day 16: The Stranger (2014)

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It’s possible that I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this kind of movie but I doubt it.  I know when a movie is rear beer.

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This movie is a drama, it wasn’t scary at all.  The story pissed me off way too many times and a lot of shit didn’t make sense.  I watched this for Lorenza Izzo and she’s barely in it.  Let’s move on before I get pissed off again.

Day 17: The Innkeepers (2011)

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Sara Paxton is a delight.  Her screams alone were entertaining.  They were hilarious at first when she was just startled….then shit got real.  YO.  There’s a few scenes in this movie that made me either jump or made my heart drop.  Shit.  Was.  TERRIFYING!   Hotels get scarier and scarier in my mind the more I watch these haunted hotel movies.  If the lobby ain’t poppin’, I ain’t droppin’       ……………my ……..luggage   ….there.

The point is, fuck quiet ass hotels, bihh.

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Day 18: We Are Still Here (2015)

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Oh my God! It’s Ms. “Head Head” herself, Barbara Crampton! Of course, I’m so slow, I didn’t notice until there was 20 minutes left in the movie…….and it’s the reason I had it on my list in the first place! Wow, bro. Wow.  This shit was iight, nah mean?  A lot of very good qualities.

First, the negative.  The souls in the house were scary as fuck when they were barely visible.  I didn’t like how they looked once they were in the light though.  They just look like hipsters with black face.  And why do they look like they belong on the hookah, bro?  They look like newly lit charcoal.  The ending is laughable.  It’s so abrupt and ridiculous to me.

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Now, the positive.  My Xbox remote was dying so I paused the movie and I put it to charge.  I hit resume as I was getting comfortable in my bed again and at the exact same time that I finally got settled in, the movie got quiet.  Before I could blink, the movie caught me SO GOOD with a jump scare, my knee jerk reaction was to bury my face in my hands.  I never felt so pussy in my life OMG!  I felt it, you guys.  I finally felt fear.  Some of the gore was amazing too.  And finally, Larry Fessenden is Jack Nicholson adjace.  Don’t ask me how that’s a positive. It just is.

Day 19: American Psycho (2000)

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What a bunch of pretentious assholes, eh?  At least familiarize yourself with your co-workers enough to remember who’s name belongs to who.  These guys walk around calling each other anything and no one cares.  But that wasn’t even the real issue. This guy Patrick Bateman is a serious fucking psychopath.  Running around killing people for no reason at all.  OR WAS HE?! Hmmmmm…….

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Oh, boo hoo! This movie is 15 years old.  I’m the last person on earth to watch it for certain because I always am.  I haven’t even watched the original Star Wars trilogy.  PUT YOUR GODDAMN COCK AWAY!  This ain’t a measuring contest.  I just never got around to it.  No worries, I finally own them.  But anyway, back to American Psycho.

15 years is enough time to deem something a classic, right?  The ending IS open to interpretation and it’s still talked about today.  I think it’s a classic.  Despite watching it only 48 hours ago.

Day 20: American Psycho 2 (2002)

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I’m impressed.  For an early 2000’s straight-to-video sequel to a movie that’s revered as one of the most notable of the decade, this movie is very smart despite the terrible ratings all over the internet.  All the credit goes to a young Mila Kunis for really selling her character as a desperate-to-become-professor’s-assistant criminology student.  It’s also easy to watch her little face on the screen.  Wait….young Mila Kunis?  She’s STILL young!  She’s only 32, still. HOW SWAY?!  She been on my TV forever.  Younger Mila, I should say.

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Listen, I get it.  This movie has some shitty qualities.  For one, this shit ain’t even scary, disturbing, offensive, NOTHING!  I get it.  Like the part where they show a picture of Patrick Bateman and it’s not even Christian Bale.  I get it, that was stupid.  Or like the part where the fire from the car explosion looks so fake and then they show the car on fire….REAL fire.  Like, why the fuck show the explosion at all?  It didn’t add anything to it.  I get it, shit was ass!  And who can forget Kunis jogging?  Easily the cheesiest jogging montage I’ve ever seen.  I GET IT! However, there’s plenty of good things.  The tie in to the 1st movie was decent.  The script wasn’t bad at all.  The nod to Bateman’s habit of talking about music right before he murders somebody.  A clear cut ending for the people that still struggle to make sense of the original’s ending.  Look.  Whatever, OK?  Given the stigma that sequels have, you probably won’t watch this anyway, so I’m done here.

BUT NOT ENTIRELY, Y’SEE?

We still have 11 days to go in October.  It ain’t over til the little girl at the 41st annual New York’s Village Halloween parade dressed as Elsa from Frozen tries to sing on NY1 and gets the microphone snatched from her face prematurely to her displeasure.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  You ain’t about this Halloween life, homie.

Condom Kill Counter: 1

…. Thanks, Kunis.

Au revoir!  *naked “Hotline Bling” dance moves on balcony*

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 1-10))

Scary. Movie. A Day. Month.

That’s right, mothafuckas!  It’s that time again.

Last time, I said I was seriously considering buying that “You’re Next“/Wyatt Family mask.  I completely forgot I said that and STILL ended up owning one.  That’s how you know I wasn’t bullshitting.  So nobody can give me a smiley side-eye and be like, “mmMMMMohMYGOD!….” Nope, can’t do it.

Obviously, the blogging completely stopped after a while but I enjoy doing this so much I keep coming back.

Like that one hip-hop ghost said: “It’s gettin’ spooky.”

Day 1: The Babadook (2014)

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Pretty fucking good!  This movie is almost perfectly paced. I say almost because it’s subjective.  The way you feel about the characters at the end of the story is the complete opposite of what you feel about them at the beginning and the movie gives you time to digest.  In wrestling, it’s called a “double turn” when there’s a definitive good guy and bad guy going in to the match and by the end of the match, there’s an unquestionable role reversal.  That’s sort of what happens here.

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I already hate kids but this movie purposely makes the viewer hate Samuel, a little boy who lost his father in a car crash on the way to the hospital while he was in his mother’s belly on the passenger side. Yes, regardless of how sad that is, he’s still such a little shit, you can’t help but hate him.  But that hatred subsides as the story unfolds.  Even his own mother told him to, and I quote, “eat shit” and though at that moment you no longer hate Samuel as much, it’s still great to see a kid get told off like that.  And that’s why, ladies & gentlemen, this movie is right up my alley.

Oh by the way, great sound effects.  They say the most successful horror movies use all of our senses against us.  I would consider this one to be a success.  I think I wanna be the Babadook for Halloween.

Day 2: ATM (2012)

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So, some sicko masterminds a torture method in which he puts victims in a situation where they eventually die on their own as opposed to assaulting them manually, I guess? Anyway, I ain’t mad at this one. I would watch a sequel, which is heavily hinted towards at the end of the movie. Sicko is back to the drawing board, formulating his next plan and he numbers the ATM machines. Of course, the sequel tease is blatant when the shot focuses on the blueprint with “ATM 2” written on it.

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This movie outsmarts the victims though.  Josh ‘Peck’erhead was at fault for them being in that situation in the first place and not once did he think to hit the “killer” in the head with that liquor bottle he had the whole time. He pissed me off.

Some “Good Ol’ JR” opportunities in this movie. Not spoiling anything but I did get to scream, “BAH GAWD, SHE’S BROKEN IN HALF!” at one point.

So far this #ScaryMovieADayMonth, dogs got the most sympathy from me.

Day 3: Would You Rather (2012)

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Third IFC Film in a row and I didn’t plan this. I’m sure it won’t be the last on this list.

This movie is fuuuuucked uuuuup!  The one message I got from this movie is life can be fucked up and you just can’t do anything about it.  Unlike Sasha Grey’s knees which are surprisingly unblemished, apparently.  Who’da thunk?  She must’ve done something to them.  But enough about her because her character was a stone cold bitch and I’m getting mad thinking about her.

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There.  That’s all I got from watching this.  If you know the game and you like horror, watch this.

Oh, right. Jeffrey Combs did a PHENOMENAL job at being the villain.

 Day 4: Dead Silence (2007)

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OK. You fuckers got me again. I can’t lie.  Once I read the words, “From the creators of Saw“, I should’ve known some shit was gonna come out of nowhere at the end.  I was caught off guard. On top of that, Donnie Wahlberg is in this movie and he looks like he just put on a mustache and shot this during Saw lunch breaks.  Even the score screamed Saw.

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However, unlike the Saw movies, this one was largely uninteresting.  It was only ‘ok’ because of the ending.  The main character looking like a poor man’s Patrick Swayze doesn’t help either.  I did really enjoy the parts where it got dead silent because it opened the door for some effective jump scares.  You know it’s coming when it gets quiet but you don’t know exactly when the scare comes. So there’s that and the ending; the only things I liked about Dead Silence.  Oh yeah, and that old lady Mary Saw saying, “Come close-ah”.

Day 5: Re-Animator (1985)

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Entertainment Weekly has a point.  This was fantastic!  The only problem is there’s no good way of ending some of these movies.  I’m starting to believe good movies have bad or abrupt endings because it’s such a ride from the beginning, the fun is ruined when it’s over.  It’s so worth watching though.  I’ll show you why it’s worth watching.

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It is what you think.  What you see here is a little thing I like to call “head head”. Fucking sick, right?

Here’s another thing that’s sick but not in the same way.  After the movie was over, I took my ass over to IMDB to learn more about the awesomeness I had just finished watching and I was amazed to find out that the scientist in this movie is the same person that played the villain in Would You Rather. FUCKING JEFFREY COMBS! Holy shit, he looked so different 30 years ago.  I watched both these movies and had no clue they were the same person.  Still wouldn’t know if it weren’t for IMDB.

But yo……. “head head” though.

Day 6: Poltergeist (2015)

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“Maybe someone should go through (the portal) to help Maddy find her way out”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

YES THE FUCK IT IS!  Nobody wanna go in there, bihh!  Who knows where that shit leads.  It’s not like you literally end up inside a TV.  That’s not even physically possible, especially nowadays with the flat screens and whatnot.  When I saw where that portal led later on in the movie I said fuck THAT!  Hell naw.  Same shit I said about this cast. Hell naw.  Shit was weak. Except for the little girl with the “gift”.  She’s the cutest thing.  Even with that in the back of my mind, I had a blast watching this.

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It’s a modernization of the original which is, again, what all remakes are for the most part. Plasma TV’s, tablets, drones, etc.  I don’t see how a man can be in any mood to make jokey comments when his daughter is mysteriously missing though, I hated that part. Other than that, I didn’t sit there and pick apart all the similarities and differences from the original so I really liked it.

Day 7: The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

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As soon as I saw Bree Olson’s face on my screen, I closed my room door.  I knew it was about get ugly.  Boy, was I right.  Castration, kidney rape, Tiny Lester Jr. …. it was just a repulsive piece of shit.  I mean, there’s a reason why it got a 2.2 out of 10 on Rotten Tomatoes.  It begins with the ending of part 2 being watched by the two sick motherfuckers from the first 2 movies as different characters.

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So it turned out to be a movie in a movie in a movie and we’re supposed to believe they’re different because now the fat meatball has a mustache and the toothpick with legs is bald. Tom Six, the filmmaker responsible for all three of these repugnant movies, put himself in the movie to play himself.  *sigh*  It’s just terrible. There’s not much more I can say.  SO bad. Oh my God. I’m done.  Eric Roberts, why?

Day 8: Bad Milo! (2013)

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This is the cutest horror movie I’ve ever seen.  Look at that little guy.  Besides the fact that he came out of a man’s ass and he eats people alive, you can’t look at Milo without your heart melting.  I don’t know if the comedy aspect of this movie works.  It’s not a good movie, really.  But when Milo is on the screen, it becomes impossible to not enjoy.

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This is the stuff 80’s movies were made of.  Those movies back then could be horrible but you liked them because they had a message or a full cast of familiar faces.  CGI has taken over cinema and if they can just bring back prosthetic props, movies can be special again.  Just look at Bad Milo!  It kept CGI to a minimum and it was nice to look at.

Day 9: Vile (2011)

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Netflix, I hate you.  I can’t believe how poor the quality of this movie is.  Only way I’d be impressed is if someone told me the budget was $0.00.  You see, the idea for this movie is decent.  Even the story was complete with a somewhat satisfying ending.  It’s too bad this movie is painful to watch.

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Let me be clear.  That wasn’t a pun.  Shitty score, shitty editing, 98% was shitty acting….. shitty, shitty, shitty.  This is the one movie in which sex didn’t get anyone killed but instead could have saved lives and yet not a single cheek was clapped.  And even after a character suggested that sex could save their lives, they went ahead and physically tortured each other anyway.  Fail is not the word.

Day 10: The Green Inferno (2015)

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Eli Roth, you. are. that. NIGGA!

The Green Inferno is only 2 weeks old, so I’ll keep it discreet.
I was so excited for this, I went straight to the movie theater after a long day at Comic Con.  I first heard about this movie in 2013 on WWE’s Chris Jericho’s podcast, Talk is Jericho, when he interviewed the master of horror that is Eli Roth.  He spoke about filming a movie in the Amazon rain forest with villagers and having to learn to communicate with them to get them to act as cannibals.  He said he realized these people had no concept of what a movie is because they had never seen one before.  So he brought a TV to them and had them watch the movie Cannibal Holocaust.  Also, currency is useless to them so he paid them in food and clothes for their time.  The villagers tried to offer Roth a two year old child as a ‘thank you’ and when I heard that shit, I said NAAAAH.  I HAD to see how this movie turned out.  Fucking GREAT is how it turned out!

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Seeds are planted at the very beginning and then the movie takes you on an adventure.  The story is so compelling, it captures you at the moment, making you sort of forget those seeds.  Then before you know it, you’re all like, “Oh shit!” Trust me, you are. I know because i literally murmured those words when the dots connected.

Storytelling at it’s finest comes with characters that give you reasons to care for them. Listen, bruh. The main character, Justine, played by Lorenza Izzo, is so naturally beautiful, I cared about her instantly. Of course, I cared more as the character developed.  Being attracted to the lead is no mistake either.

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Casting the right actors to captivate the audience is crucial and this film hit a home run in that field.  I genuinely hated the characters I was supposed to hate, worried for the morally sound ones and laughed out loud at my nigga Juni Cortez from Spy Kids LMAO!  There were other characters that were funny but he was cast for the sole purpose of making the audience laugh even when he’s not joking.

There might’ve been one or two cheesy parts but I’m sure it’s fine for the casual moviegoer.  Nothing too stupid.  For the most part, this movie deals with real fears that we all have.  AND THE GORE!

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Fuck, this shit looked real.  Basic shit like vomit was done really well too.  I could talk about this shit all day.  VERY entertaining.

Wow, that was quick.  10 movies just like that.

As I creep on these harlots at New York Comic Con, I will be thinking about what the next 10 movies might be.  They damn sure will be picked more carefully though. A lot of these were booty and I blame Netflix for providing trash in abundance.

Signing out.  *jumps out of moving Kingda Ka with a hang glider*