#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 11-20)

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So much ass.

 

Day 11: Phantasm (1979)

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Pretty good.  Not too scary.  ….. Scratch that.  The Tall Man is scary as shit.  I think it’s the hair.  Why he’s referred to as The Tall Man? I don’t know. He’s not even that tall.  I just call him “old fuck”.

 

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Day 12: The Collector (2009)

 

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It was supposed to be a prequel to Saw and it’s obvious why.  It’s like soft core torture porn.  Nothing special.  9 days after watching, I can’t tell you a single thing about this movie.  Except, maybe, that I don’t remember being bored out of my mind.

 

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Day 13: The Amityville Horror (2005)

 

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ASS.  I now regret not watching the original, like I was supposed to.  I’m SURE I would’ve enjoyed it more than this atrocity because it was made in the 70’s.  The best scene in this movie?  A little girl on the roof of her house, walking toward the edge.

 

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Played by Chloë Grace Moretz, the reason why I pressed play, of course.  I remember my sister telling me this movie sucked after she saw it in theaters and my dumb ass went and watched it anyway.  Fucking idiot.

 

Day 14: Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

 

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When the ending credits rolled, I thought, “this movie blows dick.”  I know it’s a “classic”, but why?  And then, I read this: Roman Polanski’s “Rosemary’s Baby” and the Dark Side of Hollywood.  I was spooked, bruh.  Honestly, I’m making this post somewhat short in hopes that y’all would click on this article.  If you’ve never watched this movie, it’s thoroughly reviewed and explained.  A lot of shit to take in on that one, but I won’t say much else.  Here’s a hint: ILLUMINATI.  I understand now.

 

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Day 15: The Conjuring (2013)

 

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Solid. I’m going to say because it’s based on a true story that occurred in the 70’s. Not as good as it looked in the trailers.

 

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Day 16: The Purge (2013)

 

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Big Sean Ft. Nicki Minaj … A$$!

Oh my god, what a disappointment. I bet people like it though. Might be one of the many reasons why I hate y’all. This fucking movie pissed. me. OFF! … FUCK KIDS!  First of all, I would have killed the kids, FIRST THING! I don’t give a fuck!  Dumb ass fucking kids.  Jimmy is a faggot.  Ethan Hawke sucked hemorrhoids in this film.  The acting was corny.  Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne are smartest than this family.  The fucking villain said, “toodaloo” at one point.  WHAT KIND OF FUCKING VILLAIN SAYS TOODA…… *siiiiiiiigh*

 

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It’s supposed to be the year 2022 and faggot ass Jimmy has a shitty surveillance robot that’s controlled by a dated ass fucking remote controller.  Macaulay Culkin had better in “Home Alone”, come on!  Sure enough, I’m not the only one who thinks that.  I know because holy shit… I found this:

 

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I give this movie a FUCK YOU out of 10.

 

Day 17: Begotten (1991)

 

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What the fuck was this?  It was filmed in black and white reversal film and then rephotographed?  Huh?  God disembowels himself, then Mother Earth comes out of nowhere and steals his jizz and impregnates herself?  Son of Earth is born in “grown ass man” form then burned alive, then resurrects, only to watch Mother Earth get raped to death?

 

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And then they’re BOTH dismembered and buried and flowers grow on the burial site?  Bullshit!  WTF is this?  This is why I say fuck religion because apparently, this is a re-imagining of Genesis.  The only Genesis I know was 16-bit and said “Seee-gaaaaa” when it turned on. FUCK OUTTA HERE!  Oh, and Phil Collins.  … I didn’t understand this shit. Hell, I couldn’t see shit throughout the whole movie!  All the shit you just read right now is what I gathered from reading about this piece of elephant Swedish cake-shaped shit.  Video quality is horrible.  “This is true art”, they said.  “It’s totally original and intriguing”, they said. ………………………..

“This is nothing more than a dung juice cocktail”, I said.

 

Day 18: The Fly (1986)

 

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Geena Davis fucks a human sized fly, is what I think happened.

 

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Ew.  Is that how he ate……never mind.

 

Day 19: Mimic (1997)

 

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Aaaaah! 7 foot cockroaches! ….. Oh shit, it’s Norman Reedus from The Walking Dead…without facial hair. …..AAAAAHHHHH!!!!  8 foot cockroaches!!!! My GOD! That’s dis-GUS-ting!  How will I sleep after this??!! (I slept like a baby. I don’t know how, but I did.)

 

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Thanks, Dad.  Only you are capable of informing me that there are such movies.  And for letting me watch this at the tender age of 9 … ish.  I didn’t remember it but the subway scene haunted me ever since and that’s why I chose to watch it now.  I’ll never get off the F train on Delancey Street station for as long as I live.

 

Day 20: Creepshow (1982)

 

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5 unrelated, 20-minute stories bundled to make 1 film.  I like it!  It’s just like watching TV for about 2 hours.  Easy.  Not too shabb..awww fuck.  More roaches.  This time, a gang of roaches the size of my palm.  Fuck zombies and serial killers, THIS shit fucked me up.

 

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George A. Romero, you son of a bitch.  You had me turn on the lights and tap dance in my seat for the last 7 minutes.  Hated it, but it worked.   Gave me the heebie jeebies.  And that’s what #ScaryMovieADayMonth is all about.  Until the last batch…

Here’s my sign-off.  Ready? …..

Jesus wept.  *goes on flamethrower drive-by in gated community*

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