#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 11-20)


So much ass.


Day 11: Phantasm (1979)



Pretty good.  Not too scary.  ….. Scratch that.  The Tall Man is scary as shit.  I think it’s the hair.  Why he’s referred to as The Tall Man? I don’t know. He’s not even that tall.  I just call him “old fuck”.



Day 12: The Collector (2009)




It was supposed to be a prequel to Saw and it’s obvious why.  It’s like soft core torture porn.  Nothing special.  9 days after watching, I can’t tell you a single thing about this movie.  Except, maybe, that I don’t remember being bored out of my mind.




Day 13: The Amityville Horror (2005)




ASS.  I now regret not watching the original, like I was supposed to.  I’m SURE I would’ve enjoyed it more than this atrocity because it was made in the 70’s.  The best scene in this movie?  A little girl on the roof of her house, walking toward the edge.




Played by Chloë Grace Moretz, the reason why I pressed play, of course.  I remember my sister telling me this movie sucked after she saw it in theaters and my dumb ass went and watched it anyway.  Fucking idiot.


Day 14: Rosemary’s Baby (1968)




When the ending credits rolled, I thought, “this movie blows dick.”  I know it’s a “classic”, but why?  And then, I read this: Roman Polanski’s “Rosemary’s Baby” and the Dark Side of Hollywood.  I was spooked, bruh.  Honestly, I’m making this post somewhat short in hopes that y’all would click on this article.  If you’ve never watched this movie, it’s thoroughly reviewed and explained.  A lot of shit to take in on that one, but I won’t say much else.  Here’s a hint: ILLUMINATI.  I understand now.




Day 15: The Conjuring (2013)




Solid. I’m going to say because it’s based on a true story that occurred in the 70’s. Not as good as it looked in the trailers.




Day 16: The Purge (2013)




Big Sean Ft. Nicki Minaj … A$$!

Oh my god, what a disappointment. I bet people like it though. Might be one of the many reasons why I hate y’all. This fucking movie pissed. me. OFF! … FUCK KIDS!  First of all, I would have killed the kids, FIRST THING! I don’t give a fuck!  Dumb ass fucking kids.  Jimmy is a faggot.  Ethan Hawke sucked hemorrhoids in this film.  The acting was corny.  Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne are smartest than this family.  The fucking villain said, “toodaloo” at one point.  WHAT KIND OF FUCKING VILLAIN SAYS TOODA…… *siiiiiiiigh*




It’s supposed to be the year 2022 and faggot ass Jimmy has a shitty surveillance robot that’s controlled by a dated ass fucking remote controller.  Macaulay Culkin had better in “Home Alone”, come on!  Sure enough, I’m not the only one who thinks that.  I know because holy shit… I found this:



I give this movie a FUCK YOU out of 10.


Day 17: Begotten (1991)



What the fuck was this?  It was filmed in black and white reversal film and then rephotographed?  Huh?  God disembowels himself, then Mother Earth comes out of nowhere and steals his jizz and impregnates herself?  Son of Earth is born in “grown ass man” form then burned alive, then resurrects, only to watch Mother Earth get raped to death?




And then they’re BOTH dismembered and buried and flowers grow on the burial site?  Bullshit!  WTF is this?  This is why I say fuck religion because apparently, this is a re-imagining of Genesis.  The only Genesis I know was 16-bit and said “Seee-gaaaaa” when it turned on. FUCK OUTTA HERE!  Oh, and Phil Collins.  … I didn’t understand this shit. Hell, I couldn’t see shit throughout the whole movie!  All the shit you just read right now is what I gathered from reading about this piece of elephant Swedish cake-shaped shit.  Video quality is horrible.  “This is true art”, they said.  “It’s totally original and intriguing”, they said. ………………………..

“This is nothing more than a dung juice cocktail”, I said.


Day 18: The Fly (1986)




Geena Davis fucks a human sized fly, is what I think happened.




Ew.  Is that how he ate……never mind.


Day 19: Mimic (1997)




Aaaaah! 7 foot cockroaches! ….. Oh shit, it’s Norman Reedus from The Walking Dead…without facial hair. …..AAAAAHHHHH!!!!  8 foot cockroaches!!!! My GOD! That’s dis-GUS-ting!  How will I sleep after this??!! (I slept like a baby. I don’t know how, but I did.)




Thanks, Dad.  Only you are capable of informing me that there are such movies.  And for letting me watch this at the tender age of 9 … ish.  I didn’t remember it but the subway scene haunted me ever since and that’s why I chose to watch it now.  I’ll never get off the F train on Delancey Street station for as long as I live.


Day 20: Creepshow (1982)




5 unrelated, 20-minute stories bundled to make 1 film.  I like it!  It’s just like watching TV for about 2 hours.  Easy.  Not too shabb..awww fuck.  More roaches.  This time, a gang of roaches the size of my palm.  Fuck zombies and serial killers, THIS shit fucked me up.




George A. Romero, you son of a bitch.  You had me turn on the lights and tap dance in my seat for the last 7 minutes.  Hated it, but it worked.   Gave me the heebie jeebies.  And that’s what #ScaryMovieADayMonth is all about.  Until the last batch…

Here’s my sign-off.  Ready? …..

Jesus wept.  *goes on flamethrower drive-by in gated community*


#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2013 (Days 1-10)

This has become one of my favorite months/holiday traditions.  Whether or not Halloween is considered a real holiday, I treat it like one.  It deserves just as much attention as the other holidays despite its lack of importance in history and origin or whatever the fuck.  So for the 2nd year in a row, I’m watching a horror movie every day for the month of October.  I mean, look….this is no different than putting up Christmas decorations before taking a massive Thanksgiving dinner shit, alright?  If you think it’s stupid, fine.  This is my shit.  So, I’ll go do me, & you go do you.  And by ”do you”, of course I mean go fuck yourself.

Let’s just get right into it.


Day 1: Suspiria (1977)


The tagline for this movie is what drew me in.  A creepy dude with a deep voice in the theatrical trailer states; ”the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92”.   So I thought, “I gotta see this for myself.”  The 1st 5 minutes were pretty good, but that’s about it.


I shit you not, the word ”terrifying” in the tagline should have been replaced with the word ”shitty”.  I’m sure it worked in the 70’s, it does have some creepy ass music that still holds up. But my God, the build up was dreadful.  To me.  I hated it but I won’t dismiss the ending completely because maybe furniture magically attacking people was frightening 36 years ago.  But no.  Fuck this movie.  NEXT!


Day 2: The Wizard Of Gore (1970)


In watching Suspiria, I remembered a brief debate in the movie Juno about which horror movie was the best of all time between Suspiria (Juno was buggin’), and this other film, The Wizard Of Gore.  So I dug it up (it was on YouTube) & I watched it.  First of all, Juno was wrong.  Suspiria was not better than this.  Cinematically? Sure.  But this, also shitty movie, had disgusting corn syrup everywhere. Win!  Oh no wait…


FAIL.  Continuity sucked, dialogue was boring as shit, & the story itself was trash dookie.  But there was this eerie feel to it & psychological trickery that’s hard to forget, unfortunately.

Verdict: The debate on Juno was worthless & stupid.


Day 3: Carrie (1976)


Great movie.  Good character build.  John Travolta’s debut.  Based on the novel by Stephen King, Directed by Brian De Palma.  And to top it off, an outstanding performance by Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie White.


I’m not about to ruin my experience of watching this movie by watching any sequels.  I only look forward to the remake.  I mean, it’s Chloë Grace Moretz! Like, come on.  Let me put it this way… if by any chance she gets kidnapped at New York Comic Con, it was probably me.  (Not serious.  (You’re goddamn right I’d do it) Nah, yea.  Nah) Like I was saying.  She’s not just smart & cute, she respects and understands there’s different methods to acting at such a young age and she loves the original.  Which can only mean she will perform to the best of her ability.  I want to hear her say ‘mama’ after every sentence, too.

But yea, I fucks with the original.


Day 4: The Thing (2011)


Dope remake.  Cool special effects.


The creatures make me want to play Dead Space for Xbox. But of course, there’s nothing like 80’s movies.  The original is cooler, to me.  Nevertheless, this movie’s good.  I recommend it.


Days 5-8: The Evil Dead Franchise: The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II (1987), Army Of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (2013)


The Evil Dead? …… FIRE!

The Evil Dead, 1981

Evil Dead II? …… Pretty Good.


Army Of Darkness ……. Not even a horror. Shit was LIGHT! It’s a comedy dark-fantasy. It would be OK if it was a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Not my favorite.


Evil Dead remake? ……. Pretty fucking sick.  I would put it 3rd, if not, tied with the second movie.  (Jane Levy got some sexy, thick, full legs.)



Day 9: The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)


Watched the first one last year and when the sequel was announced, I told myself, in South Park voice, “You gotta go see this movie, dude.” ……. I didn’t.  I waited til it came to me.  So I finally watched it and…..it was straight ass juice.  Butt nectar.  Rear beer.  I was disappointed.  If you go back and read my opinion on the 1st one (#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 11-20), I obviously thought it was a good one.  So to see this sphincter milk of a movie was such a letdown.  I do, however, think that this is not the end all, be all of this series or main character.


History shows that the biggest horror movie characters, such as Freddy,  Jason, Michael Myers, Leatherface etc., became what they are because of the fans, not the quality of movies.  Let’s face it ….. them Friday The 13th movies are garbage to the core.  With the exception of 3 or 4 slighlty above MEDIOCRE ones, that whole franchise is TERRIBLE.  The name, Jason Voorhees, is HUGE though.  The same goes for the others.  (Especially Pinhead, my God! The 1st Hellraiser is a classic.  The rest? Disposable as fuck.)

the-exorcistMy point here is … the horror movie culture doesn’t have a solid female villain character, or has had one since Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist.  The Last Exorcism Part II was based around this character, Nell Sweetzer, which wasn’t the case for the 1st one.  Why else would they keep referencing her Doc Marten boots?  It’s probably her signature style.  Every major horror movie villain has one.

doc martens

I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt because this could have been a film just to build on this character and explain why she’s “the devil”, if you will.  Maybe in the next one, she won’t waste any time and just start fucking shit up from the jump, which is what we begin to see in the end of this one.  I won’t give up on Sweetzer, but this movie was confusing.  The bad kind.  The one where it was unnecessary an not beneficial to the story at all.


Day 10: Pumpkinhead (1989)


I was expecting this:


But Pumpkinhead was this:


Whatever.  Honestly, I chose this movie today cuz I wanted to go to sleep early & it was the shortest one on my list.  It served its purpose.  Watched it on the computer and everything was dark as Sam Jack in Django.  Didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  So, yeah.  If you’re a fan of this so called Pumpkinhead, I’m sorry but…. I didn’t have to pay attention to know that this is as special as a skid mark in a homeless dude’s tighty whiteys.

There you have it.  Days 1-10.

Comic Con all weekend.  So many thots in Chun Li & Catwoman costumes, I can’t wait.  Days 11-20 are still coming though.

Th- th- the- thih- th- THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!  *chases pig with a chainsaw*