The Fuckery: Kids Edition

The Fuckery: Kids Edition

FACT: Little kids are fucking annoying!

“Aww look how cute the baby is.” … “*Gasp* LOOK! He took 3 steps and fell on his butt.  How adorable! ” … “Oh my God, I want one. ”

Yea.  Go right ahead and have a kid RIGHT now.  Go fuck like jack rabbits, kick your roommate out, decorate the room with kid shit, drench your dreams in gasoline and just light the bitch on fire.  It’s over.  Of course, it’s beautiful.  It’s so magical how you have to wake up at 3am to rock that little fucker back to sleep.  Wiping spray shit has never been this fun.  It’s great!  What’s even better is how all of a sudden you’re in charge of another human being who cries uncontrollably over God knows what.

CRY

And those are the best years.  No matter how annoyed you are, the baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and you love them like you’ve never loved anything before.

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Before you know it, their front teeth fall out and they smile every time they do something that nobody finds funny but them.  You start forcing yourself to be unfunny so you won’t have to see that ghoulish grin until you just become the boring parent.  They’ll seek fun by throwing YOUR shit out the window and voilà! You’re miserable.  A little positivity and proud moments here and there but that’s about it.

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Few years later, they’re older and a little less dependent and right before you start accepting it and enjoying their mild spurt of  “maturity”, something goes wrong.  Never fails.  Whether it’s a pregnancy scare, a dumb ass tattoo, a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend, drugs … something happens.

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Fast forward a few years later, your expectations are just 6 feet underground at this point.  So, any type of progression they make, you’re satisfied with.

“Wow, things are looking up.  I don’t have to worry and keep tabs anymore because my kid is all grown up.”

Hey, you know when you buy McDonald’s, and you’re doing your happy dance while you eat because you love your nuggets and Big Macs and what not?  Soon as you finish, “Good golly, what a piece of shit.  I’m still hungry.  I should’ve bought a chicken & rice platter from the Halal truck instead.”  Yea.

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The night life you once lived resumes.  Your attempt to hit the club and scoop a young whipper snapper just fails because holy shit…. YOU’RE FUCKING OLD, DUDE!

20+ years have gone by and there’s nothing you can do about it.  No make-up or baseball cap in the world can fully disguise them wrinkles on your face and muffin top is inevitable.  Any sudden movement you make looks like a truffle shuffle.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, having children is the ultimate “youth disintegrator”.  Teen moms and dads are automatically perceived as bad parents if they’re spotted out and about without their kids, trying to have fun and hold on to the majesty of the wonder years.  Anything after that is classified as follows.

Women: MILF

Men: Filth

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I’m done.  *pokes holes in asshole’s condoms*

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Bawses Date Rape Too

Savage

For many weeks now, Rick Ross has been bashed and shitted on all over the web for saying some inappropriate things on a guest feature.  On a song by Rocko called “U.O.E.N.O.” which also features the ever so poppin’-popular, heart-of-the-club-scene, rapper/harmonizer, Future, something possessed Ricky Rozay to rap the following lyric:

Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it

Fam……..what are you doing?

Time out, because I’m on the fence about this.  There’s different ways to look at this line.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a terrible thing to say and people SHOULD be upset about it.  I just believe it should be really dissected before anybody can take action against Rick Ross.

First things first, it’s never…and I mean NEVER acceptable to put anything in anyone’s drink without his or her consent. I don’t give a fuck if you try to put Smarties in some bitch’s drink, we fightin’, breh.  You’re not doing that shit.  Not on my watch.  Ross was wrong off the bat with that one.

smarties

The part that I’m iffy about is the 2nd line.  We all know what he meant by “enjoyed that”, right?  Well….who knows?  Maybe he simply enjoyed the act of taking her home.  Maybe he just enjoyed her side effects.  Again, it was wrong to dirty her champagne…but could it be that we’re jumping to conclusions as to what he did once he took her home?  That part is unclear so we can only look at the fact that he drugged the chick.  We forgave Alan in “Hangover”, didn’t we?  Aye, don’t give me that bullshit. Hip-Hop and Hollywood movies are one in the same.  It’s all entertainment, so Alan counts.  And he used a REAL date rape drug in the movie.  Which brings me to my next point.

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Ross used molly in his lyric which is pure MDMA.  Last time I checked, ecstasy made you horny and want to bang whatever comes your way.  I’m not sure how champagne can alter the effects but I’m pretty sure you need more to make someone pass out.  Perhaps Ross left the important detail of how much Molly and/or champagne was consumed by this poor lady out.  So I’ll just stick with the context.  By the way, I refer to the victim as “poor lady” even though she could’ve been a deceitful bitch to begin with because the fact of the matter remains…she was drugged AND enjoyed by the former Slip-n-Slide artist.

Now, this guy is under heavy scrutiny and the struggle is slowly crashing down on the Bawse of rap.  Rape survivors are demanding Reebok to cut his endorsement deal and after multiple attempts to apologize, these activists are showing no signs of taking it easy.  They want Rick Ross’ ass chewed up and spit out.  In addition, concerts are being cancelled because of this.

Shit

This shit is serious and a lot of people questioned how serious this really is, including myself.

Oh, who am I kidding? Rick Ross said that shit.

“What about Eminem? He runs around saying crazy shit all the time and nobody cares.”, said one of my homies.  I agreed with him because I guess I forgot how BAD Eminem had it in his heyday.  As a young kid, I didn’t recognize the severity of Slim Shady’s hardships.  Thinking back NOW, it makes me look at this Rick Ross scandal like it’s a joke.

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Yo, Eminem had everybody protesting against him.  Gays, women, award shows (Grammys), students,  the British.  Michael Jackson, son.  The King Of Pop himself was butthurt about his portrayal in the “Just Lose It” video and encouraged anti-Eminem hate groups to hate on.  Em had it a MILLION times worse.  Of course, these are the results of lyrics that are WAY more offensive than what Ross said.  Most recently, his own fans protested against him for his lyrical content on “Recovery”, which even non-Eminem stans labeled a great album.  Still, Mr. Mathers came out on on top every time and overcame all adversities and I don’t remember him apologizing.

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I shit you not, “Recovery” is certified diamond worldwide less than 3 years after its release.  If he could survive all that shit, Rick Ross has nothing to worry about.  He’s been one of the top tier MC’s in the game for 7 years now, more so for the last 3.

Ross fans, stop feeling bad for him and stop defending him.  He will bounce back, he did make a mistake, but the man is damn near 40.  Let the struggle crash down on him and admit what he said was foul.  I’m with y’all when y’all say everybody’s overreacting about it.  But let them overreact.  In the end, it’ll only prove that Hip-Hop DOES make an impact whether THEY like it or not.

(I don’t know who “they” is.  As a minority, we just exude oppression.)

Peace out, mmg.  *throws up peace sign while wearing tie dye shirt…barefoot*