It’s been 3 days since the big game and I still can’t get the image of Beyoncé licking her thumb and provocatively sliding it down her chest out of my head. And I’m not mad (at all) at the popular opinion that her Halftime show performance was possibly the best we’ve ever seen. This also can be said about the actual game. Every Superbowl is exciting in its own right and there are always fun facts thrown around to keep us caring about the two teams in the ultimate match-up. But if you sit for a sec and recap what you witnessed on Sunday night, you might catch yourself mumbling, “Wow, that game was really amazing.” Let’s start with the NFC & AFC Championship games of last season.
Last year, both of these teams fell short by an inch! They both lost because they each made a mistake so miniscule, that fate can be the only explanation for what happened. The truth is, the New York Giants and New England Patriots got lucky. The San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens both deserved to be on the big stage last year as much as the teams that made it there. So them being the top dogs THIS year is a true testament to that. It’s like a fairy tale.
You got Ravens wide receiver, Torrey Smith, who lost his 19 year old brother from a motorcycle accident earlier this year and still played what would turn out to be the best game of his career just hours later. Then of course, their linebacker Ray Lewis, a leader who although was indicted on murder and aggravated-assault charges back in 2000, managed to recover his image and went on to defensively dominate on a consistent basis becoming one of the greatest middle linebackers of all time. After tearing a tricep early in the season, he announced his retirement from the NFL, making this his last season. On the other side, there’s Niners Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. He’s a baby in the game! Only his 2nd year in the NFL and already led his team to a Superbowl on his 1st year as starting QB. And if that’s not enough of a fairy tale for y’all, the coaches came out of the same vagina!
Jim and John Harbaugh, brothers. Only a year apart. Who isn’t intrigued by the idea of siblings putting their love for each other aside for 4 hours and competing to make their mutual lifelong dream, the one thing they worked incredibly hard for, become a reality? Fuckin’ NOBODY! With this fun little factor, non-Ravens fans and non-Niners fans now have a reason to care about this event.
As if this wasn’t enough to care:
Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook choir sing “America The Beautiful” together, Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem, and BAM! The game begins. The 1st half was all Ravens. They jumped, slid, rolled, danced to the end zone.
It was sad how bad the Niners were getting spanked. 21-6 at the half and it was time for Queen B to show the world what she does. And boy, she does it well! I mean, this MILF……. *sigh*. I don’t know what to say. All I know is when the announcer said “Beyoncé”, every female species on earth broke their neck and their eyes were glued to the screen in a split second for the 1st time all night. She came out, ripped a few garments off and every MALE species on earth felt something flinch in their pants. We all got chubs in unison. You can’t get raging boners at social gatherings like that so we all just popped a quick chub. The most consistent Superbowl chub of all time, might I add.
Beyoncé, to come off lip sync controversy and bounce back so quickly and efficiently, was amazing. WHAM! She hits us with a Destiny’s Child reunion! Chubs flinched yet again when Kelly Rowland came out flaunting her new cakes. Irreleva…. I mean, Michelle Williams came out the ground and our chubs anticipated the cameras to lose focus or switch angles. There were lights, smoke, fire, sparks coming out of guitars & 90’s babies’ ears perked up. The nostalgic trip was in full effect.
Just before it gets too DC’d out, B nips it in the bud. She closes the show out with “Halo” and shows off her glorious vocal pipes after 8 minutes of non-stop choreography. Inconceivable. I can’t even rap along to my iPod while walking without needing a Gatorade. She sang the SHIT out of the word “Halo”. It was truly breathtaking. You can almost see Ray Lewis catching the holy ghost with a face full of tears in the locker room while the rest of the team prepares for the second half.
Twitter was bombarded with Beyoncé tweets.
I saw an ad for scientology, i joined, and then Destiny’s Child reunited! That shit works – thanks, Tom Cruise!
— Bill Maher (@billmaher) February 4, 2013
I’m in the DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF IT’S PRE-RECORDED OR NOT club!! B’s putting’ in WURK!!!!
— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) February 4, 2013
The only thing missing there was a Justin Timberlake assisted Wardrobe Malfunction. #BestHalftimeShowEver
— Dalten Garrison (@DaltenG58) February 4, 2013
Beyonce could punch me in the face and I would apologize for my face getting in the way of her fist. — Retweet & Follow (@MrTopTweets) February 4, 2013
Plot twist: Beyoncé wins the Superbowl. The Ravens & 49ers hug it out. North Korea sees and is touched. World peace commences. We all twerk — Tweet Like A Girl (@TweetLikeAGirI) February 4, 2013
You know I couldn’t resist.
oh, Beyonce. oh my lord…. — Angel C. aka Big Ang (@BigAng171) February 4, 2013
If I can recall correctly, there was one play before the lights of the stadium went out for 34 minutes. Jacoby Jones runs 109 yards to break a new record for longest kickoff return touchdown in a Superbowl, ever. To add insult to injury, this dude did the Ray Lewis squirrel dance in the end zone.
Niners fans all across the nation sucked their teeth and took off their team gear at this point. All hope was lost. Next thing we knew, half of the Superdome had shut down.
The lights went out. That’s when Jigga Man himself shared a tweet.
Lights out!!! Any questions??
— Mr. Carter (@S_C_) February 4, 2013
What else did they expect to happen with stage production like this?
— Al-Qaeda (@alqaeda) February 4, 2013
// I just had to add that.
Blackout. I immediately thought, “This is a good thing.” The San Francisco 49ers is my 2nd favorite team. And being that the Baltimore Ravens took out MY New England Patriots in their last game, the only thing I wanted more than to tell the Ravens they can draw upon my pubic sack succulently for no less than 30 seconds, was this much needed momentum shift. Momentum shift granted. 49ers made a remarkable comeback taking the lead and we had ourselves a FUCKING GAME! Kaepernick reminded us how he and his team made it this far.
The bad calls on both sides, the intentional safety, the failed 2-point conversion … this game was IN. TENSE. Just like last year, every second was crucial. It came down to the last play. Niners came up short, big brother upset little brother, the Baltimore Ravens prevailed.
So now, these motherfuckers eliminated my favorite team AND beat my 2nd favorite team in the Superbowl! Or the #Harbowl or the #Sup-Harbaugh, as I like to call it. Some refer to it as the #BeyonceBowl. Whatever! They crushed my happiness twice. But in the end, I couldn’t be mad at them. Joe Flacco was astounding throughout the entire season, finishing with no interceptions. Not 1. They deserved it.
Great game, Great halftime ….. but what about the commercials? Honestly, we were too busy discussing the game to even care about commercials this year. I glanced at the TV here and there. I saw 2 or 3 good ones.
Like this one:
But for those who were REALLY watching them, quick question. Were the commercials really not up to par this year or was the event just impossible to outshine?
I guess you can say I’m back…? *shrug* Let me go watch that Halftime show one more time though.
I’ll holla! *hops in tub of Jergens*