#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 21-31

 

Hurricane Sandy was a tragic bitch.  That heaux not only ruined lives, but she TOOK lives.  I can’t even begin to imagine how devastating it must feel to no longer have a home to go back to.  It’s sad and I’m extremely sympathetic towards the people who lost family, lost homes by water, lost homes by fire & the people who are sitting at home right now with no light or heat as the days get colder.  I truly am.  In addition to that, I heard Halloween has been postponed and rescheduled for Monday, November 5th.  There goes the spirit of Halloween.  I toyed around with the idea of extending #ScaryMovieADayMonth and ending it on the NEW Halloween date.  But I decided that if I DO watch horror movies between today & the 5th, it won’t be counted on the list.  So today is officially the last day of #SMADM.   Some of the best AND some of the worst movies on the entire month list are in this bunch right here.  Let’s get it crackin’!  Here are days 21-31:

 

Day 21:  The Shrine (2010)

 

This movie was pure gar-baj for way too long.  Although, once the suspense and horror started picking up, it was pretty decent.  Especially for a private independent company funded Canadian movie or whatever the fuck this was.  I guess I would deem this movie “ok”.  Still don’t recommend anything but a few main scenes which can most likely be viewed on the glorious site that is Youtube.  So go right ahead and check those out.  Just make sure you scroll right on by this shit when you see it pop up on your Netflix Instant screen.  Unless you wanna see shit like this in HD:

Day 22:  Osombie: The Axis Of Evil (2012)

 

This one HERE tho……… oh. my. Gawd.  Thee worst movie I have EVER ……. EVER seen!  This one was my fault completely.  I saw how wack it looked, I imagined how wack it could be, & I KNEW this piece of skunk shit had no Wikipedia page.  No Wikipedia page should have closed the deal.  I should have taken the idea of watching it & soccer kick that shit into the Hudson River.  But I went right ahead and pressed play anyway.  This shit here exceeded any expectation of wackness I could have ever imagined.  Boy, do I feel like the dumbest motherfucker on earth?  It’s like touching the pot after momma said it was hot.  Check this out though… After I watched this, I read a review that said this movie sucked.  But it also suggested that it’s good “turn-off-the-brain” fun.  FUCK. OUTTA. HERE.  Fam, the deaths looked infinitely fake, the jokes were not funny enough for an 8 year old, & to top the feces sundae with waxed dingleberries, O-fucking-sombie wasn’t even seen until the end!  After the intro, he disappeared for what felt like the entire movie!  Why else would anybody watch this trash?!  Nobody gives a rancid necrophilic fuck about these characters and their faggot ass relationships.  GOD!

 

 

Day 23:  Quarantine (2008)

 

Why did I put this movie off for so many years?  I don’t remember the trailer much but I never forgot about this picture.  And I never will.  Maybe it’s because this movie is one of the best modern horror films I have seen to date.  Definitely top 5 horror movies of the 21st century.  I don’t care if certain things don’t make sense or how many times the characters contradict themselves.  The truth is….shit happens.  And when it does, nobody is thinking about shit but “get me the fuck out of here” and “i don’t wanna die”.  It’s pretty simple.  And I simply watch horror movies to see and feel horror.  Quarantine embodied that.  Not necessarily just in a gory sense but every sense.  Suspense, vulnerability, death, limitations, desparation, confusion, mutation … I can’t remember what else.  But I do remember this shit was fire.  I would and WILL watch this one again.

 

Day 24:  Friday The 13th: Killer Cut Extended Edition (2009)

One thing about remakes:  Typical.  Some movies take different routes with familiar elements, some just cast current babyface stars and repeat the same thing.  Which is cool, I guess.  I only had one problem with this one.  I’m fully aware that I watched the extended version, but I researched the differences from the theatrical version and the scenes were just longer for no significant reason.  Some scenes just were changed in sequence.  The beginning was made in typical slasher movie fashion.  Drunk friends sitting around making piss drinking jokes, using the word “fish” as another term for pussy and of course, the fakest boobs Michael Bay & the casting crew can find.  Which is expected anyway.  Sex scenes are expected as well.  But this shit was entirely too long.  Again, I know I watched the long version but the regular one was long as fuck too.  Mad unnecessary.  The shit was basically softcore porn.  Ironically, “Brooklyn We Go Hard” was playing in the background while they got down & dirty.  I guess they DID go kinda hard for that Cinemax type sex scene.  Hard, softcore coitus, b.  Coitus = ass ramming.  For you simpletons.  All in all, good traditional fun with Jason Voorhees.

 

 

Day 25:  Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

 

 

I was young when the 1st one came out.  And I nearly shit my pants when I saw it.  So i’m not sure if this one wasn’t as scary to me because i’m older or because this one wasn’t filmed as a Handycam POV.  Not comparing it to the original, it was good.  All the confusion caused by ghosts possessing bodies is pretty cool and interesting enough to keep you from checking how much time is left in the movie every 15 minutes.  I just kind of wish I saw this when it came out.  I would probably like it more and fear shit like this.  I still remember wanting to see it but being too scared to every time I saw the billboard poster over the KFC that once existed around my way.  RIP beloved automatic door system equipped KFC.  (Homeless dudes ALWAYS opened the door for people.)  But yea, movie was iight.

 

Day 26:  Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Excerpt from a “Halloween: H2O” review

It’s not the greatest horror film there has ever been but there’s a lot of fun to be had in its 86 minute runtime and I can definitely think of worse ways to spend a gloomy, autumnal evening; watching Halloween: Resurrection for example.

Why couldn’t I have read this BEFORE I watched Resurrection?  Day 26 wasted on a movie that’s straight buns. Trash dookie.  Feces sandwich.  Day 26 hasn’t gone to waste like this since Diddy dropped all the Making The Band artists.  Why did I think watching a scary movie with Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks in it was a good idea?  Not even a comedy.  I could watch the entire Halloween series and skip over this one with no problem at all, and I have OCD.  That’s enough validation to grab this movie & pull up a 3-point range Kobe Bryant fade-away jumper in the triddash if you ask me.

Day 27:  The Omen (1976)

Classic.  Despite having less technological advances, 70’s & 80’s horror movies are just BETTER!  It’s like they had less to work with so they focused more on creepy mannerisms, vibes, & music.  And less on all the craziness.  A simple suicide by noose is enough.  I loved this movie.  Nothing special, but that’s what makes it special.  To me. It’s just pure DIABLO.  The music made for this movie is still haunt people today.  Fucking creepy ass music, gawd.  Matter fact, do me a favor.  Just press play and read the rest of this blog with this shit playing in the background.  Here you go:

 

“Sanguis Bibimus!  Corpus Edimus!”  I’m not gonna translate that satanic shit for y’all.  Google it if you’d like.  The funny shit is, the scariest part isn’t even in the song.  In the movie, they just have a woman chanting those 4 words between scenes & shit. LMAO!  This movie and The Exorcist back-to-back in one night?  Forget about it.  Need diapers on deck, g.  I’m telling y’all.  Little kids and old people are the evilest.

 

 

Day 28:  The Stuff (1985)

 

This shit was retarded.  The little kid is a hater and there’s just ice cream oozing all over the floors and walls.  I laughed.  But I liked it.  It was very 80’s.  It was weird as fuck when the mutations started.  Too weird.  I like weird.

Day 29:  The Thing (1982)

 

Once again, 80’s.  But this one was a little more advanced somehow.  Or is it that John Carpenter is the man? … Yea, that.  It might just have been his ability to make it look advance.  I have no clue how they did it but this movie had cooler special effects than a lot of movies today.  That’s why this one is critically acclaimed.  One of the best horror films of all time.  I realized that when I suddenly felt the urge to youtube scenes from the 1951 original, watch the remake that came out recently & call my dad to ask him if he still has the video game.  I would always see it on the dresser and ignore it.  I was oblivious to the awesomeness while he kept all the fun to himself.  LOL!

 

 

Day 30:  Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

 

 

I wasn’t planning on watching any of the sequels until I was told “No, dude….they’re all good.”  And even though IMDB said otherwise, I went for it.  I agreed.  Well, I haven’t seen the 3rd yet.  But i’m sure i’ll enjoy it.  Why? …. That’s right, kids!  Because it’s 80’s!  You just can’t beat the 80’s, bro.  It’s not like these sequels are all title.  They’re actual sequels.  Same cast (for the most part), progressive storyline, and connections.  I love shit like this.  Once again, the creepiest element in scary movies is used in this one.  Old people.  The “Beast” is scary as fuck.  He looks 100.  But at the time, he was only like 59 or 60.  He died soon after the movie of stomach cancer.  That might explain why he already looked dead.  After the movie, I did my routine fact dig-up research as I do with every movie and found out he was born in Washington Heights.  Now i’m haunted f or life thinking “What if his spirit still wanders around?  What if he lived in my apartment?”   This is the scariest old man i’ve ever seen & the motherfucker was born here.  But that’s what I wanted out of #ScaryMovieADayMonth.  To be petrified.

 

 

Day 31: The Fog (1980)

 

 

” Just one more.  One more movie before 12.”  … Didn’t like it.  I’m gonna cut it some slack because it came out in 1980 which means it was filmed in the 70’s.  When I see a movie was released in the 80’s I have all these expectations.  But I have to consider how good this movie looked for a 70’s movie.  And that the idea of a fog traveling against the wind filled with vengeful ghosts was probably WAY scarier at the time of its release.  I can’t say this movie is good because Carpenter made it between Halloween & The Thing, 2 masterpieces.  So yea.  I’ll say it was ok.

 

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff:

-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Family Portrait Revisited (1988)

A documentary on the 1974 original.  Interesting stuff.

-Nightmares In Red, White & Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (2009)

The title says it all.  And that it was.  Great documentary.

 

I did it!  I watched a scary movie every single day without fail in the month of October to keep the spirit of Halloween floating way longer than it usually floats.  It should be like this every year.  Which is why i’m planning on doing this again next year.  Maybe I’ll watch all Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees next time.  Or split the month in categories.  I don’t know yet.  I do know that I’ll premeditate the next.   Welp, I won’t lose the spirit until November 5th so i’ll be watching scary shit until then.  They just won’t be listed.

 

As long as when I watch them, I don’t look like this:

 

But like this:

 

 

 

C’mon guys!  Let’s piss & shit our underwear with fear!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  *crushes & lines up candy corn on glass table*

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