#ScaryMovieADayMonth Mothafucka! Days 1-10

Yes!  It is.  It’s October and it has been for 10 days now.  I’ve always liked Halloween because the thought of little kids being frightened to the point of having to change underwear & being traumatized for a few hours has always brought joy to my life. Oh yea, and when they cry from discomfort.

But I haven’t celebrated it the traditional way since I was like 14.  My pores have not let a bead of struggle mask sweat escape my face or gotten a costume wedgie for 7 years now and as wack as it sounds to not take advantage of corner stores making it rain on midget Power Rangers and sexy Slutty Nurses with free candy, I’m quite content (cue Soul IV Real song).  You see, I’m an old soul. I value tranquility and shit.  So I just take a step back and let those who don’t have cavities yet happily and unknowingly take a shot at joining the family.  The “Fuck, I have a fucking cavity, I wish I hadn’t eaten all them candies on Halloween” family.  But then there’s a problem.  I still need the fear factor that strangers dressed in shit that in no way represents their true identities, blending in with everyone else gives me.  It just sucks being a thug all the time, you know?  I want to feel vulnerable again.  I want to be intimidated & taken off my gangsta ass high horse.

(News flash!  I’m not a thug and you clearly suck at detecting sarcasm.)

SO! … To keep the spirit of Halloween alive in my heart, I decided to attempt to STOP my heart everyday with a bunch of scary ass horror movies.  One a day to be exact.  As much as I would love to re-watch movies that actually scared me as a kid like “The Exorcist” and “The Blair Witch Project“, for the most part I want to use this month to try new movies and old ones I never watched.  I still might watch a few favorites though.  And of course after 10 days, I have yet to see one that makes me wrap myself tight in my blanket and sleep with the bathroom light on.  I’m such a G. *side eye*

I’m in no way saying that these movies weren’t good.  It’s just difficult to be scared of em since my Dad ruined it for me when I was like 4.  (In Spanish): “Angel, keep in mind…that’s not real blood, it’s slightly watery corn starch with red food coloring.  None of this is real.”

Anyway, I’ll just briefly run down how my October aka “Scary Movie A Day Month” has gone so far.  Here’s Days 1-10.

Day 1: Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Nothing much to say here.  Except…it’s Paranormal Activity.  Every PA is better than the others in a sense.  I like this one because it was set in the 80’s, so boring scenes became fun when I was suddenly on a hunt to find something that might’ve not existed in the 80’s.  And pointing out the things that WERE was just as fun.  I KNOW they payed a grip for Teddy Ruxpin though.  Unless someone brought theirs from home.  But yea, it was cool. The scariest part, for me,  had nothing to do with demons.  It was the old bitches.

Day 2: The Devil Inside (2012)

Old bitches are just fucking scary!  Which is why I saw the trailer for THIS movie and said, “Yea, that one oughta loosen my sphincter and make a mess”.  Boy, was I wrong.  My shit was nicely secured and didn’t even send me a sign.  It’s a “documentary”.  But I have a feeling I got the “document-itis” cuz it was just doo doo.  Besides the 2 or 3 scenes this movie offers that are actually worth watching, there’s nothing worth watching.  i don’t know how else to word it.  The ending was different but unfulfilling.  No ass vomit was splattered during the viewing of this film.

Day 3: Poltergeist (1982)

Classic for plenty of reasons.  Although, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much if “Scary Movie 2” hadn’t completely spoofed the shit out of this movie in various ways.  Still good.  Last 20 minutes are intense enough to make up for the rest of the movie if it’s not satisfying enough for you.  I can’t lie, i was waiting for the clown to choke a bitch with his over-sized trouser snake.

Day 4: The Descent (2005)

Starts slow.  Picks up at about the 35-40 minute mark.  Holds a momentum, and ends with a head scratcher.  The ending is deep and requires some thinking.  Oh but wait a minute!  I watched the UK version.  The US version basically takes away the thinking part and leaves you hanging in order to be able to continue the story with a fucking sequel. Fucking great!  Way to ruin a perfectly solid movie.  Whatever, the US version ending is like every typical horror movie ending.  But that’s why, to me, it sucked ass compared the UK version.  Anywho, as you can see in the picture below, bitch tripped and fell in a pool of blood.  Kinda looks like a sewer if you make believe she’s not there.

In case you didn’t know, I have mild OCD (not really).  So naturally, I decided to see what the fuck the sequel was for.

Day 5: The Descent Part 2 (2009)

*Sigh*  It was cool.  The action didn’t take as long to heat up, a few cool mutilations and WHADDYA KNOW?!  A SHIT ending!  Dammit!  It’s like they do it on purpose.  As entertaining as the rest of the movie was, the ending was stupid enough for me to wish this whole sequel away, seriously.  I would have preferred for the UK version of the 1st to stand alone than to have a misleading ass sequel that takes you for a rollercoaster ride only to unbuckle the safety belts and derail as soon as it reaches the highest peek at top speed.

Day 6: The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

This fucking film here. SMFH!  This is probably the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  The thing about it is…the human centipede isn’t even the most disgusting part.  Sewing lips to buttholes isn’t even the worst part.  (Although, a staple gun is used in this one.)  Besides, “ATM” is not that unusual these days anyway. …. I’m kidding.  It’s not like ass eaters eat shit, I know.  Anyway, the psychological torture I went through watching this shit was unbelievable.  I don’t let things get to me at all and at a certain point, I was legitimately ready to just turn it off and call it a night .  I feel my neck stiffening & my brain swelling up just thinking about it.  Ugh.  Be careful what you wish for, guys.  I wanted to watch something that scared me and was nasty.  And that’s what I got….but to the 20th fucking power!  This motherfucker is demented, yo.

Day 7: Apollo 18 (2011)

This movie is supposedly a bunch of footage of astronauts in the 70’s landing on the moon and…well, I don’t wanna spoil it.  I kept in mind that this is actual footage to scare myself and it kind of worked.  I was all into it.  But this is not one those movies that you watch with a Monster Energy Drink® as your choice of beverage.  You gotta be tired enough to want nothing more than to sit down and attentive enough to stay awake.  Movies that are accompanied by a website to further push the story isn’t a new concept.  But in this case, …. let’s just say I found myself reading about Richard Nixon and government cover ups and how the US government secretly have some knowledge of what’s on the moon besides rocks and shit.  Like “moon herpes”.  Oops,  was that a spoiler?  Sorry guys.  The point is … their website is freakishly realistic and I was spooked.

Day 8: Insidious (2010)

Fam, fuck this movie with an Aids dick.  I’m pissed.  It wasn’t horrible but it was nowhere near fantastic.  The best part was the little kid falling from the ladder.  That boy busted his shit! LMAO!  And what the fuck was up with the demon?  He was basically Darth Maul on bath salts.  He didn’t have his own identity til like the end.  I mean, ok.  It was so bad, it was funny.  So I guess it IS worth watching with the right people.  But the fact still remains.  This movie should be rated TD – Trash Dookie.

Day 9: Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Besides realizing that I have seen more than enough of this movie in the past on the SyFy channel (formerly known as Sci-Fi, which it still is, only written in a gay way) AFTER watching it whole, it was ok.  It just wasn’t my cup of tea.  Like, why the fuck would you cast Rah Digga in ANY movie?  Horror movies do NOT require ratchetness.  She tried toning it down, but when the ghosts pop up, her ghetto demeanor just exudes through her pores.  I gotta admit though, the deaths were fucking awesome!  Very snazzy.  But I hate the PG-13 feel.  The film score makes you forget it’s rated R.  The only reminder of this being an R rated film was the nudity.  Two words:  Ghost Tits.

Day 10: Stigmata (1999)

And then there’s the crap I subjected myself to yesterday.  I’m sure this movie is accepted by many people.  But from the bottom of my heart, get this shit the fuck outta here, b.  I mean, how are you going to portray an exorcism without having the possessed chick blurt out outlandish obscenities at the priests about sex or demonic shit?  Shit was the weakest exorcism ever.  Idk if it was because it was interrupted or because it was a corrupt Catholic priest… I don’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.  I didn’t care enough.  I can’t stand Jesus-y horror movies. Jesus ain’t scary, nigga!  He’s only scary if he was a stranger sitting next to you on the bus, word to Joan Osborne.

This movie had 4 memorable moments.

  1. The train scene where the priest asks the Frankie, the protagonist, “May I help you?” and the demon had already taken over her body and she says, “No one can help me now.  I’m fucked.” & proceeds to rip the cross off a nun’s neck.
  2. The part where she beats up the priest, throws him through a glass door and repeatedly slices her own arms with a knife all because he didn’t wanna thrust her vaginal walls.  I never seen a man be so against beating cheeks and on the other hand, a woman so desperate to make a deposit in her meat wallet.  But we can’t expect a priest to fuck an atheist possessed by a demon.  We just can’t.
  3. The room on fire looked pretty cool.
  4. And last but certainly not least – because it was the only thing that got me to react physically – her fucking sandals, b.  When the camera panned to her footwear, I felt my nuts doing chin ups in my scrotum.  I laughed so loud and hard.  Just LOOK at her feet, buzzin’! …

Platform chancletas.  LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welp, there you have it.  “Scary Movie A Day Month” Days 1-10.

Hope I have inspired you all to face the fact that it’s getting nippy outside and watching a movie in the dark wrapped in your blanket with munchies late at night isn’t a bad idea in the least.  Especially horror movies in October.  Gotta go and continue my festivities with Day 11.

I’ll holla at y’all in 10 days for the 11-20.  Peace!

*crawls in dead cow carcass and catapults from human slingshot*

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