R. Kelly Is Retarded

Plain & simple.  Sisqo…..I mean, R. Kelly is retarded.  I haven’t really followed any of his music for the past couple years.  Apparently, he’s still going.  That doesn’t stop me from pointing out how retarded this motherfucker is lyrically and creatively.  I know a lot of y’all gave up on the man after he attempted to stretch what was once a fun storytelling series of songs.  The “Trapped In The Closet” series went to shit once people realized how retarded it really was.  I love laughing so I’ll probably revisit it soon.  But check this out……THE NIGGA AIN’T DONE! *facepalm*

I just read a headline on MTV.com.  The combination of words that were used on this headline burned my eyes.  Take a look for yourselves —-> Fuckery

I cannot believe this jigga boo.  30 more chapters for “Trapped In The Closet”….
Let that shit marinate.

That’s approximately…… a FUCKING MOVIE!  A movie showcasing the most ratchet series of events known to man in a short yet long ass sitting.  This solidified his spot in the “Dee Dee Dee Hall Of Fame”.  He’s the type to be honored in the “Shawt Bus Awards” every year.

He makes retarded decisions, retarded fashion statements and most importantly retarded music.  You’re probably not on the same page as me because you don’t see it from where I’m sitting.  I offer you my seat for a clearer view.

DISCLAIMER: I love R. Kelly’s music.  He got some dope shit.  I wouldn’t be able to see how he’s retarded if I wasn’t a fan.

But his songs contain asinine elements in small doses.  All you gotta do is randomly throw on an R. Kelly song and focus on the lyrics.  Something ridiculous is bound to smack you in the face.

Exhibit A: “A Woman’s Threat”

Song is cool.  Until about the 4-minute mark when the shit took a drastic turn but somehow managed to maintain a connection with the theme.  It was definitely retarded though.  Yo Robert, Why the fuck are you explaining the story of Goldilocks & The Three Bears at the end, fam?  Did you take a “frisco speedball” break in the middle of the goddamn session and came back with that?  Do you feel you made a woman’s threat fairly clear to the masses by comparing it to Goldilocks’ inconsiderate ass?  My God…

Exhibit B: “When A Woman’s Fed Up”

Kelly beats himself up the entire time about how his woman leaving was his fault.  It’s pitiful, but that’s not the retarded part.  It comes in at the end when he starts singing about her background to his reflection in the mirror.  He’s so tight, he goes “She was raised in Illinois, right outside of Chicago.  Some of best cooking you ever had.  Yes it was.”  There’s like 10 seconds left in the song & he just couldn’t chill.  Dwelling on it just makes the listener laugh at how bad he took that L.  Just look at the struggle face.

Exhibit C: “Real Talk”

Being a ghetto Chicago-bred R&B singer is probably difficult.  Staying smooth, calm & collected can be a challenge.

But to make a song flippin’ out on your shorty over some bullshit is a whole different ball game.  Kellz is really REALLY retarded for this one.

Just listen to it:

In his defense, she DID threaten to burn his clothes.  Still doesn’t take away how hilariously unstable that was.

NOW do you feel me on this?  Alright, cool.  Move your ass out my seat. I’m gonna need it for when I watch “Trapped In The Closet” in its entirety for the 1st time later.

Y’all be cool.  *runs through hell with gasoline drawls on*

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6 thoughts on “R. Kelly Is Retarded

  1. Actually, I’d like to redact my former comment. It couldn’t possibly be R. Kelly, since R. Kelly has admitted he is illiterate.

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