When Outdoors, Liquor Is The Devil

Being from New York City, I’ve seen a lot of drunk assholes roaming the streets late at night.  What makes them assholes?… the roaming.  Having no destination.  Lingering  like the stinky feet smell in the ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese’s.  Being outside while drunk for no apparent reason is just asking for trouble.

For instance, let’s say a drunk dude and his sober friend are just standing on a corner, hanging out.  The drunk all of a sudden feels like a tough guy and wants to play fight with his boy.  In an attempt to make his friend flinch with a fake punch he bumps into a stranger, causing a little altercation.  Drunk assholes never try to reason, they just make things way worse than they already are.  The next thing you know, 7 goons emerge from dark alleys.  Talking won’t help at this point.  Those 7 goons are ready to cave anybody’s chest in because that’s what goons do.  They linger in dark alleys waiting for any little misunderstanding to use as a reason for violence.  Now all there is left to do is acquiesce and get beat up.  The sober dude is thinking “He’s too drunk to remember anything anyway.  If I make a run for it, I can save myself from an ass whooping and still be his friend.” *sigh* …. This guy.

In an attempt to scram, sober idiot still gets hurt pretty bad.  Drunky over there is getting Anderson Silva kicks to the head, metal pipes to the back and receiving nut shots with any and everything.  Sober nimrod believing that he can still be a semi-friend tries to collect his half-dead buddy’s belongings and gets pistol whipped in the back of the head.  Game Over.  You 2 have no more “Continues” left.  No respawns.  You’re done.  Better luck next time….if you survive for there to even be a next time. You two just got knocked the fuck out! (In my best Smokey impression)

It was an honest mistake that could have easily been avoided by simply going the fuck home or going somewhere.  Now, sober fuckface’s lip & drunk fuckhead’s eyeball are lingering.  Hanging out……the socket.  Bars have TV’s and cushioned seats.  Why stand outside, jackasses?  If not a bar, how about a party?  Where all that excess energy can be used for humiliating dance moves.  I’d rather look stupid than deformed any day.  Way to accomplish both you nincompoops.

People.  People, please…….if you’re planning to get drunk, plan to do it at a bar or a social gathering.  Any places where there are other drunk people and you’re surrounded by loved ones.  It’s safe and just way more fun anyway.

Tabernacle. *pimp slaps bitch to close curtains*


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