Cleveland’s half-century long nightmare is over

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Not much needs to be said except CONGRATULATIONS to LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers! You did it!

The impossible.

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OAKLAND, CA - JUNE 19:  LeBron James #23 of the Cleveland Cavaliers shoots against Stephen Curry #30 of the Golden State Warriors in Game Seven of the 2016 NBA Finals on June 19, 2016 at Oracle Arena in Oakland, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of Getty Images License Agreement. Mandatory Copyright Notice: Copyright 2016 NBAE (Photo by Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE via Getty Images)

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NBA: Finals-Cleveland Cavaliers at Golden State Warriors

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5 Things People Hated About Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice That Are Just Fine

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With its opening weekend now behind us, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice turned out to be a success at the box office.  But was it a success to die hard comic book fans?  The internetz would say, “FUCK NO.”  So what went wrong?  I’ve heard more complaints about this movie than I can count on the fingers of both my hands.  Granted, it’s not a perfect film but some of the things people took issue with were explained in the film but because of the fast pace, lost in translation.  Then there are some that are just flat-out picky.  So what I’m gonna do is take the most echoed of those complaints and rebut them with something the unwashed masses fails to use these days: logic.

Here are 5 things people hated about Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice that are just fine.

 

***Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD***

 

1. Superman’s lack of hope

Many felt that Superman didn’t provide enough hope for the audience or even Metropolis.

*sigh* Why am I doing this to myself. Are you kidding me?

Every last scene with Clark/Superman is about hope.

The beginning of the movie has a montage of him saving people and embodying hope.  Metropolis is hopeful that everything will be fine and they worship him.  Even when that shifts and Supes doubts himself, there was always someone reminding him that there’s hope.  For him, the city AND humanity.  Lois, Martha Kent and even Jonathan Kent in his conscience was reminding him for crying out loud.  THE MAIN FIGHT TOOK PLACE BECAUSE SUPERMAN HOPED THAT BRUCE… fuck it.

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2. Jesse Eisenberg is not a good Lex Luthor

I agree with this…….if he were playing Lex Luthor.  The fact is, he’s not.  He actually plays Alexander “Lex” Luthor Jr., Luthor’s son.  We learn and are reminded of this multiple times throughout the movie.  If Lex Luthor was my father, I would probably look all coked up and abuse my power too.

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3. The Email

Bruce Wayne sends Diana Prince an email with video files attached and that’s when we first see the Justice League members.  I see why people thought that was a lazy way of introducing them.  Trust me, I do.  HOWEVER!  The files were dated June 2015.  TWENTY FIFTEEN.  Batman is too old to get in his Aston Martin DB 2/4 Mark III and look for fine ass Diana just to show her a picture and a few videos.  Just shoot it to her DMs. Batman is smooth, chill.  He don’t got time for all that.  Besides, he already went through the trouble of loading all of it on his computer with a dial-up connection.

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4. The Fight

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Lots of complaints about this one.  “It’s too short”, “It was convenient”, “The end of the fight was stupid”.

All valid opinions.  I personally thought nothing extra would’ve added to the fight.  Plus, they both were hurt enough.  How they were both ready to fight at the exact same time is easy to forget because there’s so much going on but trust and believe it is explained.  Clearly, Luthor masterminded the whole thing.  When Batman stole the Kryptonite, Lex knew his plan had worked to get Superman outta here.  Bat-signal goes up, Lex sees it and baits Supes using Lois and he gives him the ultimatum.  Convenient?  Superman is the definition of convenient.  He’s always there when it counts anyway so that shouldn’t be a deal breaker in a movie with his name in the title.  When Superman says, “Nothing stays good in this world”, you can tell he didn’t want to do it but he knew he possibly didn’t have a choice.  He still tries to not go ahead with the fight but when he saw Batman wouldn’t budge, he’s angered by the fact that his time was running out.  As for the end of the fight, it was Batman’s chance to do what he couldn’t as a child.  Simple.

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5. Superman’s fate

This one I completely understand why people were dissatisfied with.  We know he’s gonna be in the Justice League movies.  So why kill him?  The best complaint I heard was that moving forward, deaths wouldn’t be as big a deal anymore because the last shot negates the importance of this event that took place too soon anyway.  Oh, internet.  Which one is it?  He should’ve really died to make for a ballsy ending?  Or he shouldn’t have died at all to make it more impactful later?  To go with the latter, you’d have to sacrifice the ballsy ending for THIS movie and save it for the later movies.  But then how would this one end?

We could blame this ending on Doomsday’s appearance being used prematurely but how can Superman die at the hands of Doomsday with the Justice League backing him?  That would make Superman look even weaker than he already did 70% of the time in this movie.

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I think we need to give the creators of this movie a little more credit than they’re receiving.  It’s easy to complain about all of this.  It’s not easy to make a movie like this.  It’s not easy to get people who hate Superman to root for him.  Although a lot of homage was paid to the comics with the way a lot of the scenes were shot, this is still a new rendition of these characters.  Superman killed in Man of Steel.  Batman slaughtered thugs in this one.  Zack Snyder has his own vision of these beloved characters and still found the decency to include scenes and dialogue damn near identical to the comic book moments.

Take a deeper look at the aesthetic of this film and you’ll see what I mean.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (Spoiler-Free Hood Review)

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Ayo wuz poppin’, bitch ass niggaz!  Yo, before I start this shit, nah mean, I wanna shout out all the real Star Wars fans out there, b.  On some real shit. REAL fans.  Mothafuckas that been waitin’ 30 suttin years for a good Star Wars movie.  Word.  Like, I don’t claim to be y’all cuz… shit, I ain’t 30, scrap.

I been playing the lil’ video games and shit since I was like 5 years old but I seent da umm…. da omm… da prequels and shit growin’ up.  Like part 1 and 2 in the theaters wit my fawvuh, you feel me?  I remember episode 2 being iight & shit.  I was prolly high off contact & shit from being in Harlem so much but I was a kid tho, son.  I was used to movies like Friday and Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.

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Shit like that.  You show me a war in outer space wit laser beams and little old wrinkly, green mothafuckas wit telekinesis and I’ma bug the fuck out, you see what I’m sayin’?  So….I just watched the whole shit back-ta-back and I gotta say, dem prequels was hot gahbage, b.  Word up. Shits was not good.  At ALL, shun.  Part 3 was aight and whatever but naaah.  Prequels was weaker than a abortion on Muva’s Day and shit, righ?  So I ain’t a hardcore fan but I fuck wit the original trilogy shit heavy namsayin’?  So I’m at the movies on Friday cuz we got the reserved joints that sold out in minutes, shout out to the plug! Shit was packed!  Every room was fucking Star Wars, dog!  Nuffin else.  But fuck all lat, let me get to it.2000px-Star_Wars_Logo.svgSo the shit start, same it always did. “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away……” …..PRAAAAHHNN! The fucking theme song caught me off guard like always and shit and then the words scroll up the screen. I’m reading the shit and in my head I’m like, “Yo gawd….this shit boutta be FIRE!”
So whatever, shit happens. We introduced to the new characters. Off the bat, we saw Kylo Ren, the new villain. Darth Vader wannabe and shit.

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We meet Finn … Myyy nigga.  First black MAIN character in Star Wars.  Salute to the young gawd.  He killed it!  He a Stormtrooper that feels like “naaah fuck this.  These mothafuckas evil, I gotta get the fuck outta here” type shit.  Then the chick name is Rey.  She’s a fucking G!  She’s a scavenger from the planet Jakku.  Her first movie role and she fucking did her thing, goddamn!  She’s outta here!  She’s a mothafuckin’ star, yo.  For real.  Who else?  Omm… the little soccer ball lookin’ robot nigga you see in Target and Walmart and shit.  Yeah, dat nigga.  BB-8.

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I ain’t give a fuck about him when I seent the hype about him before the movie came out.  But when the movie came on, I cared about the little guy.  I dunno how the director, J.J. Abrams did this shit but the nigga made me feel some type of way about a fucking droid, yo.  Like, this little robot was funny, cute-no-homo, emotional, all the above.  I guess further into the future, these mothafuckas got human emotion programmed into em or whatever.  Shit, idk.  Poe Dameron, 1st Latino in a Star Wars joint. Salute to him too, yo. And shout out to all my rice and beans niggaz, y’heardt?  He a pilot for the Resistance, the Military movement that fights against the omm…. the First Order and shit, Kylo Ren and em.  That nigga can FLY, b! There’s mad other characters, but those the main ones.  Then we got the OGs. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, all them old ass niggaz.  And the shit start to feel like it really continue a bunch of years after episode 6 left off.  By the way, I’m using the reguluh numbers cuz I know a few niggaz dat don’t know what the fuck a roman numeral is, ya dig?

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But yeah, these new characters go on a adventure, paths cross, woopty woo, all that shit.  I ain’t gon say shit cuz everything is a potential spoiler.  There’s a reason why we don’t see Luke Skywalker in the trailers.  There’s mad shit going on, mad new questions being raised, mad action, dope ass acting, humor, touchy moments, fucking classic light saber battles.  Yeah.  CLASSIC, nigga.  You heard me.  Fuck else imma say?  The shit was straight fire, b.  What’s the shit ppl say?  Phenomen-oh?  Masterfoe?  Yeah, fuck it.  All that shit. This movie is incredi-bow, like idk how else to put it bruh.  The music, sound effects, the signature Star Wars editing, FLAMES!  I’ma keep it all the way real. …….I almost shed a quick one, yo.  Like real quick, like… it ain’t come down and shit.  My nigga Blaze was right next to me, nah mean? I wasn’t trynna be a bitch and cry in public and shit but yeah.  It was there, son.  The shit was exciting. I man’d up tho, word.  Started clappin’ and shit wit the crowd to keep it together.

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But yeah umm….my niggaz, GO. SEE. THIS. MOVIE.  You never seen a Star Wars movie?  Don’t matter, fuck that.  It’s way better if you watch the OG trilogy first but to keep it a thousand, this is a new generation movie right here.  I was watching a Youtuber review this movie and he was like umm… he saw a little girl in the Disney store or whateva, going crazy about the female lead character, Rey and shit. There was princess dolls everywhere but the girl only cared about the Rey doll and the light saber in her hand.  And he was like it’s cool to see young kids who prolly don’t know shit about Star Wars getting excited about it like he did with Luke Skywalker and the original movie.  And how there was a black family buying the doll or whatever of the Finn character and how cool it is to have minorities represented in this universe finally.  I thought that shit was really dope, like…. it’s never too late to check Star Wars out if you curious why the fuck people love it so much, you feel me?  You curious but don’t wanna do your homework?  It is what it is, b.  That’s fine.  This movie is so fucking good tho, you could watch it as a stand-alone movie and get lost in the sauce, b. And you won’t really be lost like dat. star-wars-the-force-awakens-full-trailer-18-02-pm-155984I ain’t saying shit else cuz I might slip up and give some shit away and then I’m a snitch.  Fuck outta here.  All I know is, I’m watching this mothafucka again this week in IMAX. Regular IMAX. Fuck that 3D shit.  Shit trash.  Iz a gimmick.  This movie was so fire, that i ain’t even notice how much 3D effects it lacked. Shit, that’s wassup tho.  If 3D is the focus of the movie, 12 times out of 10 the shit is sanitation gar-baj like BIG say. You could tell this movie ain’t give a fuck about that.  They cared about tellin’ a story.  I could do without the fucking doofy glasses too, b.  Anyway, I’m ramblin’, dick.

So what have we learned today children?
1. This movie str8 up fire.
2. Nerds was right all along to get they pussies wet over this shit and
3. J.J. Abrams is dat nigga.

Oh yeah, and fuck 3D.

I’ma give this muvafucka here a

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And a “Real Nigga” Seal of Approval.  Word.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is next, my niggas!  I’m fuckin’ dyin’ for this shit to come out.  I’ll smack somebody grandma for no reason, I’m so hype.

Anyway, may the force be with all you mothafuckaz. Peace.

#ScaryMovieADayMonth 2015 (Days 21-31)

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It’s over.  It’s fucking over.  What’s that? Like 100+ movies since 2012?  Bruh.  Somehow, this is the first time I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to push through the last week.  Must’ve been the convenience of starting with all Netflix picks.  Or maybe it was cuz I watched almost all of these at midnight so i had a whole day ahead of me to plan.  Maybe I’m just getting used to it.  Fuck it, I’m just old.  Months fly by quicker the older you get.  Yeah, that’s it.

Day 21: Crimson Peak (2015)

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Let me paint the picture for y’all. It’s 10 AM on a Wednesday.  Reserved seat dead center of an IMAX theater.  7 people scattered, 600 seats in total.  2 exits in the back and the only person sitting behind me is a man is business attire a few rows back.  A 2 hour movie about ghosts didn’t scare me as much as my mind did in those first 15 minutes of me sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start.  For 15 minutes, all I could think about is WHAT IF  someone just stands up and starts shooting.  But even if my girlfriend didn’t successfully put that fear in my hand for a short period of time, this movie still couldn’t scare me.  This movie couldn’t scare a kid.  It was not at all what I expected it to be in terms of being a horror movie.

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However, it was dare I say an excellent drama.  Mia Wasikowska as Edith Cushing reminded me of a young Claire Danes for whatever reason.  Her soft face contrasted with Jessica Chastain’s strong features.  That girl’s got a broad chin……CRIMSON CHIN! Ba-dum-ch!

I noticed a few audio/visual synchronicity issues early in the movie but nothing too serious.  Good story, lots of drama, great movie.  I think I might want this on Blu-ray because visually, this mothafucka was beautiful.  Some scenes looked Titanic adjace. (Early 1900’s)  Guillermo Del Toro did his goddamn thing.

Day 22: Ouija (2014)

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“Producer of Insidious” … THAT part is apparent.  I didn’t li-…… It just wasn’t go-…. It was whatever.  I don’t know how else to put it.  Y’all know how PG-13 horrors go.  Potential but no pay off.  Not only that, the acting.  Olivia Cooke is a beautiful girl but she has the same face on the entire movie.  She looked the same when she was shocked, sad, scared, worried, curious, doing her googles. Just all the time.  She’s young, she’ll get it right in the future.

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I don’t think I’ve seen many bathroom sinks to the head in horror movies but it happened in Crimson Peak and saw it again in this movie.  Back to back bathroom sink kills.  I could see how this movie can work on a kid who’s never heard of a Ouija board before.  I can at least say this movie came out at a proper time since all kids know about nowadays are iPads. But yeah……*raspberry*

Day 23: Frozen (2010)

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Same here, Harry Knowles.  I loved this damn movie.  It was a very stationary, simple movie but it wasn’t boring at all.  It’s about a terrifying situation that lots of people fear, but doesn’t happen because ski resorts are inspected to prevent it, but is still scary as fuck.  Being left and forgotten on a chairlift high off the ground.  This film sucks you in emotionally with the score and the acting, specifically Emma Bell’s and Shawn Ashmore’s performances. *COUGH*Animorphs*COUGH*

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That’s bae.  Has been ever since she portrayed Amy on The Walking Dead. … which came out after this movie.  So basically she was bae before I knew she was bae cuz she’s a babe in this movie.  I don’t know if she still is now but I’m pretty sure she could still be bae.  Anybae way, I noticed almost, if not everybody has blue eyes in this movie.  Purposely? I don’t know.  IMDB could help me out with….OH MY GOD.  The trivia on this movie blew me away.  To avoid spoiling events in the movie, I’ll just isolate one for y’all.

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That. Is. Crazy.  Rest of the Q&A HAD to be awkward.  The rest of the shit I read on IMDB just makes this movie officially one of my favorites.

Day 24: The Vatican Tapes (2015)

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If I were the devil, I’d possess this fine ass bitch too LAWD!

But I want to know……why women? Why are only women possessed in these movies? Why won’t the devil possess men? Would getting inside a man make the devil gay? Is he homophobic? I wonder…
At least this exorcism was kind of different. The whole thing was ‘meh’ until the very end. The movie closes with so much possibilities. Is this it? Could Angela Holmes be that iconic recurring female character in horror that I’ve been talking about?

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I hope so.  The final shots of the movie were promising.  I sure hope that if there were any sequels in the future, that they actually make more sense. Some scenes were choppy and some were just ridiculous.  Like how the fuck can the devil shape shift into a clone of the person they possessed?  Why were there two Angelas? What the fuck.  Why the fuck does Michael Peña play a priest?  Why is an older man calling him “father”?  NO.  Next!

Day 25: Cooties (2014)

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I cried.  It starts with some light comedy and then shit hits the fan, hilarity ensues and I cried laughing.  The first 30 minutes were just back-to-back jokes, fast-paced comedy and blood everywhere.  It’s very colorful and as the movie progresses, it gets darker and scarier.  It goes from being a horror comedy to a comedy horror but it keeps it’s schtick and that’s why this was a fun watch.  I recommend this shit to anybody.  Especially fans of TV comedies.  Look at this cast.

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SQUAD!  At one point, Rainn Wilson starts dropping one-liners out his ass.  What more can you ask for?

Day 26: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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Wait……Margot Kidder was hot???  Really?  I watched the whole Superman movie series and not once did I think, “Damn.  Lois Lane is one fine bitch!”  But I did while watching this.  Like, come on.  She had ribbons in her pigtails.  Anyway, this shit was hilarious.  There’s a nun playing blacktop basketball.  I was dying.

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I just love the shitty editing of the 70’s.  And now I know where that Scary Movie 2 scene came from with the priest and the flies….he really looks like he was taking a shit.  Good shit, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Day 27: Unfriended (2014)

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Don’t know if this movie was actually good, but I was fucking glued.  The entire thing from beginning to end is a video screen capture of a girl’s computer.  I watched it on my laptop as everyone should for that authentic feel.  Preferably on an Apple computer but if you don’t have one, just pretend that your laptop is, like I did.  After the movie was over, I felt weird Googling stuff.  I felt like I was a character in the movie and I was being haunted.

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This shit was pretty cool.  It’s so original and creative.  Kudos to the producers for effectively executing such a unique film.  Lots of “Oh shit!” moments on here.  The acting starts to get ridiculous and cheesy half way through and unfortunately, the viewer can be temporarily reminded that it’s just a movie but it doesn’t really matter once you’re interested.  The ending was flawed but only from a technical standpoint.  I’ll take it though.  Technology, man.  It’s changing the landscape of cinema.  This one’s for the ‘Skypers’.

Day 28: Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

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I did a terrible job at picking movies this year.  I want to be scared, not bombarded with action sequences.  I don’t fuck with action movies all that much.  There’s only so much you can do with them.  However, I ain’t mad at this one cuz it was fucking awesome.  If it’s action, there gotta be some serious ass-kicking or else I’m not interested.  This bitch right here? Badass.

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There was some horror in there somewhere, I guess.  Barely.  Originally an anime film but I was not about to watch that shit too.  Not now anyway.  Some of the special effects are god-awful.  Super trash.  All is forgiven once Saya starts slinging that katana though.

Day 29: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

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Maaaaan, there’s nothing like 70’s and 80’s horror movies.  If they’re not fantastic, they’re so terrible that they’re good.  If they’re neither, they’re weird enough to stay with you for a long ass time and the images of the movie replay in your mind to the point where the memory of it is more vivid than all your other movie memories.  Don’t Go in the House is both good and weird.  It’s good BECAUSE it’s weird.  The movie focuses on the psychotic killer, as opposed to the victim of the psychotic killer.  The first act of violence in the movie is so gruesome that, despite the noticeably shitty special effect, the movie was banned in England and Wales.

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We’ve probably seen crazier shit over the years but at the time, it was pretty crazy.  Speaking of crazy, this motherfucker Donny, man.  What the fuck, bro?  Had me believing Dan Grimaldi, the actor who plays Donny, is really crazy.  He look like Bob from That 70’s Show in some scenes though LMAO!  Anyway, pretty solid horror film.

Days 30: Demons (1985)

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What the fuck did I just watch?  This shit was type trash, b.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the protagonist is completely forgotten about for like 20 minutes.  Like yo, huh?!  It’s an Italian movie yet it’s in English and the actors are CLEARLY speaking English but it still seems like the English audio was POORLY dubbed over cuz the audio-visual synchrony fucking sucked.  WOW.  At least there was some good gore.

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Day 31: Demons 2 (1986)

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Oh my fucking God.  Again with the terrible dubbed audio.  Both these movies are just about demons acting like zombies.  Mr. Argento…put the quill down and stick to directing, my G.

But seriously though, at least this one was kind of better.  Less gore, but better all around.  It’s like they used the first movie as a template and just changed the scenery and the practical effects and….OH look, same black guy.  As a different character.  Are they trying to say that all black people look alike and nobody would notice? Because that’s what it seems like.  WHY?  BRUH. WHY? Smh.

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You can tell these motherfuckers were watching Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and were like, “BROOO.  We should make a horror movie with mad rock music playing in the background for no reason”.  At least they upped the ante for this one.  Dogs and kids are with the shits in this one.  So here’s basically what I watched.  Grown ass women playing 16 year olds, midgets playing 6 year olds and the same black guy playing another black guy.  What the fuck is going on in Italy?

Alright, that’s it!  31 movi….

PSYCH!

BONUS MOVIE OF THE MONTH!!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

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Oh my God, it’s Bae from The Vatican Tapes.  I love her.  Oh, but wait.  She just single-handedly ruined the franchise.  How, you ask?  Well, she’s somewhat of a recognizable face in horror now.  These movies are supposed to be taken over by unknown actors to suspend disbelief.  But then again, what is this?  The 5th Paranormal Activity? Nobody even remotely suspects that this is actual found footage and nobody has since the 1st movie.  It picks up where the 3rd movie ended with little Katie.  Then it…. I’m not about to explain all this shit, bruh.

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It’s too complicated to verbalize.  Just know that the creative and innovative ways of camera use in the previous ‘Paranormals’ are coming to a slow and deliberate, while still screeching halt. But the creative efforts of these writers are starting to focus on the tie-ins. Every movie now is starting to put some puzzle pieces together that help understand the timeline of these hauntings and it’s all one big overwhelming knot that’s ready to be picked apart and explained on some elaborate essay. What’s that I hear? Do it for the blog? I AIN’T GON’ DO IT.

Bonus #ScaryMovieADayMonth related stuff

Bravo’s 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006)

Bravo’s 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009)

IT’S HALLOWEEN! A.k.a Ash Vs. Evil Dead day for the real niggas.  And the realest of niggas already seent the first episode but I’m still gonna watch it again cuz I’m a real nigga.

Until next year, fuckheads.  *ghost rides DeLorean through Halloween parade*